dragons hoard cake tooo

...

...

"No, You're my worst fucking nightmare!"

"Those two things aren't mutually exclusive,"

Tw: threat of death, swearing, painful overconfidence

"Your such a fucking idiot"

Villan blinked twice at the hero, waiting for an explanation.

"Do you want to elaborate?" They prompted when the hero just blinked back.

"No"

"...no? I'm an idiot and I don't even get to understand why?" This was ridiculous. Hero was ridiculous. Villan wasn't an idiot, hero was just rude.

" unless vaugley gesturing to our current situation counts as an explanation you don't get one. We are going to die because you refuse to use your fucking brain" the hero sighed, overly dramatic if you asked the villan. They might not die. Maybe. It wasn't certain. Well... they weren't dead yet. That counted for something?? Right?

"Oh c'mon you always knew you were gonna die like this. Your a hero, going out in a blaze of glory is your whole shtick. Don't be mad at me for the inevitable" seriously who did hero think they were?

"Villan, we are dangling over a vat of craft glue and surrounded by genetically mutated rabbits because a spoilt child, who you woke up, told their parent that's how to make them go back to sleep. This is not a blaze of glory, this is a testament to human stupidity." The hero's voice was constrained, trying to reel in their rage. Honestly that wasn't a fair assessment of the situation. The child in question wasn't spoilt, they were a fucking brat, their parent was the supervillan and hero had refused villans idea to sing the brat to sleep. So if anything it was hero's fault!

"Well to bad I guess your a testament to human stupidity!" Villan sniped.

"No, you are, I am collateral damage!" hero finally yelled.

"Well that's not very heroic of you!"

"I'm not a hero anymore, I'm a victim of craft glue and bunny rabbits because you had to cheer when we found the evidence!"

"You could still try to get us down, your super powered you idiot" the villan was so sick of hero blaming them.

"YOUR THE ONE WITH SUPERPOWERS DIPSHIT!"

Shit. Hero was right.

Ten minutes later they were outside of the supervillan compound covered in glitter and googly eyes - don't ask - whilst villan questioned their own intelligence.

What kind of evil genius forgets they have super powers?

"A really great unique one" they whispered to themselves.

" I am a visionary"

tw: blood, injury, threat of death, recklessness, stupidity

"i have it under control!" the hero yelled at the villain.

it really didn't seem like it from villains perspective. no to them it looked like the hero had been ripped out of their bed by this monstrous creature. they were literally fighting to the death in a onesie. but the hero had been adamant they could handle it. so the villain sat back and watched.

about 6 "that all you got!"'s and roughly 9 "I'm not scared of you"'s later the hero was being dangled by their neck off the side of the building. 30 stories high. and they still refused help.

"you sure your alright?"

"I am fine" the hero's words spat blood at the beasts gnarled face, it growled at them. or maybe snarled, was there a difference? whatever it was annoyed.

"what? I pissed you of? go on then, drop me! do it you ugly shit" the hero taunted, sounding for all the world like they thought they could survive the fall. they couldn't.

fuck.

villain was getting involved.

maybe a minute later it was done. the beast decapitated on the floor resembled a fur rug more than the terrifying monster it had been mere seconds ago. though admittedly a bloodied one.

"told you i could handle it" hero choked from their position, a few feet away, doubled over and laughing.

villain rushed to help them, they were in bad shape, but the hero kept laughing.

"told you" hero kept saying it. villain shook their head.

"hero, i think your concussed, i killed it, you were about to die" villain was equal parts gentle and incredulous.

"why did you kill it?"

"what?"

"why kill it, you were happy to let it rampage through the city the last few days. you could have killed it in an instant, why now?" the hero questioned smugly. they knew. they knew the villain wouldn't let them die. they knew they couldn't kill the beast themselves. they were reckless not delusional. but villain could kill it easily. evidently.

"you did that on purpose! fuck hero. you could have died!" villain yelled. it may have been scarier if they hadn't been gently gathering up the broken hero, taking inventory of their wounds.

"I...I... I wanted to know if you wanted hot chocolate..????????"

"Yes"

"Sure you are sweetheart" the human soothed, stifling a laugh that definitely wouldn't help.

"I don't care if its spooky season, I am not summoning a demon with you!"

tw: violence, betrayal (sorry its longer than i meant it to be)

Villan wasn't one to hide. they weren't sly or cunning, they prefered open, honest fights, to air their greivances whilst shouting passionatly about idealism or whatever. villan prefered to be brash, abrasive and destructive.

hero was cunning and sly. half of everything they said was a lie. they lied and tricked, decieved and manipulated to get what they needed to win. eventually people caught on, that you couldn't trust a word they said, people were more skeptical, but hero caught on too, using their skeptisism to get what they wanted. no one out-witted hero. eventually people accepted it, hero always won, always saved the day, who cared if you couldn't trust a word out their mouth? you could trust them to do the right thing.

villan found hero facinating. at first they assumed they had a crush on their conniving nemesis, but really it was awe, how did that powerless slip of a person bend the city to their will? how did they defeat their every plan? and that the hero gained all these resourses - just to use them on the villan!

...okay maybe it was a crush.

the villan couldn't help it, they tried everything not to fall for the heros manipulation, but they were so very convincing. one time the hero convinced villan that they had gone absolutley bathsit crazy, that they had a nuke aimed at the city and was willing to kill everyone just to ensure the villans death if they didn't surrender! of course it had all been lies, crazy desperate lies. but fuck, they were so convincing. the next time, when hero said they had four army hericopters filled to the brim with armed men ready to attack, the villan hadn't believed them, yet lo and behold the armed battalion that hero had somehow convinced the military to moblize, just to make them stand down. how on earth do you fight that insanity!

how on earth do you not fall for that insanity?

villan had tried to find their elusive hero, but no. nothing. hero fought with their hair - if they had any - pinned back under a hood, a full face mask sewn onto their shirt so it couldn't be ripped of in a battle, and they even had contact lenses. CONTACT LENSES. their eyes shone unnatural golden every time they faced one another. villan had considered that they were in fact natural just unique, but no, one time a contact fell out, but hero had pulled the hood over their face and vanished before they could see the real colour. so they had tried tracking whoever brought the contacts, because really not many people can be in the market for golden eyes. yet upon investigation it became clear that someone was stealing them out of the warehouse.

so that left villan to scour the few interveiws hero had been wrangled into- masked of course. but those were all lies to. counting all their stories they had; dead parents, shitty parents, no idea what happened to their parents, wonderful parents hidden safely halfway across the world, adoptive parents and the same went for everything else. so many lies that even if the truth was in their somewhere, they could never discern it.

until one night they got a wonderful surprise.

it had been a shitty day, their latest plan was stupid, their lair was a mess and they had run out of food two days ago but had forgotten to get more. so when three aggressive knocks assaulted their door in turn it was all they could do not to groan. they were not prepared for the beautiful sight at the door.

three men in dark suits carrying a limp hero between them. the heros head was lolling, knocked out or drugged they assumed. the three men had swiftly informed them that they worked for the government and was offering their nemesis as a peace offering. villan had signed a piece of paper that the men had called a peace treaty but villan didn't care for sticking to it so all it really was was a piece of paper. the hero had then been deposited in their arms and the men had left.

villan carried hero to their sofa and set about cutting away the mask. hero somewhat came to during the process but not enough to put up a fight. once villan cut away the layers and unpinned their hair - they had hair - they took a moment to study hero.

they were beautiful. dark curls curtained the most lovely face they had ever seen. bruised and slightly bloodied, but beautiful nontheless.

the villan had spent the next hours waiting for the hero to awaken and perfecting their "come join me" speech. they were determined that the hero wasnt the only one who could be convincing.

they watched the heros warm brown eyes flutter open, slowly at first, then quickly as alarm set it.

"what the fuck?" they cried as they saw their mask cut to shreds on the table infront of them. their head flew side to side in panic until they saw villan. villan felt a sharp pang at how terrified they looked, hopefully the hero would believe that they didn't want to hurt them.

"its your turn to listen to me now hero. im offering you..."

"shut up"

"excuse me? your my captive you can't..."

"shut up. your not convincing." hero sounded exhausted.

"you haven't even heard me out!" villan shrieked.

"you won't convince me, i've already convinced myself"

"convinced yourself?? convinced yourself of what?" villan watched heros exhausted expression contort in anger.

"i have saved every life in this city from you countless times. i have lied and manipulated and tricked into being allowed to save lives. i have given years of my life to protecting them from you. and you know what they did to me. i walked in this morning, and before i could even get a word in they were on me. beating me, kicking me, restraining me. they wore noise cancelling headphones so i couldn't even beg them to stop. couldn't even ask what was going on." hero broke of for a moment, breathing hard, villan reached out to comfort them instinctively, hero flinched and brushed them of, "you know this, you can see my face, me, they beat me black and blue, they betrayed me, they handed me to you, you, no doubt thinking id face torture or death or something. i saved their lives just for them to sacrafice mine. so no you don't need to convince me to join you. i'm convinced. i guess they actually convinced me more than anything." heros laugh was a hollow joyless thing that left villan horrified. hero, their hero, looked so small and broken. they were small and broken.

"i'm going to kill them, for what they did to you, would you like to join me?" villan stood, holding out their hand to hero.

a small smile lit up heros face as they took the villans hand, "i wanna burn it all to the ground".

"I would take a bullet!"

"...for any reason in particular?"

Tw: kidnapping and cringy nicknames

Civilian was in a shitty mood.

Her boyfriend was a dick, a serious dick, and now some stupid villan had mistaken her for the hero's partner whilst she was on the phone to him...so now she was tied to a chair. Where she had been for the last TWO HOURS. And the villan still hadn't figured it out. Still.

Incompetent idiot.

So she sat there, not so patiently waiting for the villan to turn their attention to her so she could chew them out for the mistake.

"Scared darling?" The villan had finally decided to remember their hostage.

"Doing okay princess, how about you?", she couldn't help herself. The villan blinked at her, startled. The giant towering before her seemed suddenly self-conscious.

"You think your endearing? You think being funny will help you" it was not as threatening as the civilian guessed it was suppose to be.

"Nah, your just so cute when ur mad" civilian snickered. Her boyfriend had said exactly that to her earlier that night. She knew how infuriating it was. Now so did the villan. who was spluttering a little and clearly taken off guard.

"C'mon use your words kitten" she continued mercilessly.

Apparently that one got to the villan as their fist flew threw the wall.

"Shut up! Stop talking before I make you!" civilian tried not to giggle at the villans tantrum, she really tried.

"You being so emotional, feeling hormonal?" She asked with mock kindness. That one was used against her a lot. It was nice to flip it. Not so nice for the villan though. But how much was civilian supposed to care? They kidnapped her. Any emotional damage was now their fault.

"I will not be disrespected like this!" Villan raged on, punching more of their own stuff.

"Then kidnap the right girl next time kitten" civilian smiled as the villan froze and turned to look at them.

"Who are you?"

"A random civilian, that you, in your incompetence, kidnapped instead of hero's partner." Civilians false smile fell away to reveal how unimpressed she was. Very. Very unimpressed.

"Fuck" villan sighed, "you could've told me that ten minutes ago..."

"Miss out on all this fun, no way princess" civilian giggled, "and by the way, hero's partner broke up with her three months ago! She moved to another country! Who did you think i was??"

"Shut up, I can still kill you" villan huffed.

tw: kidnapping, restraints, trauma, PTSD, flashbacks, suicidal ideation, murder, gore, swearing, hurt/comfort? this got a little angsty-er than i meant it to

the hero was really fucking tired. so fucking tired.

there were a few theories roaming around about them. about why. because people had begun to notice. they noticed the sallow skin, they noticed the bags like bruises under their eyes. they noticed. so they bitched about it. what else would they do?

hero's tired of fighting villains and never defeating them.

hero is happy to save lives where they can.

hero's just tired because they always have the night shift.

hero doesn't care, hero's basically nocturnal.

hero thinks the agency is corrupt.

well, yes, but frankly their to tired to care.

hero was tired. they couldn't sleep. apparently years of unending horrors fucked up a persons mental sate or something. and apparently that meant fucking up their sleep schedule. which was really fucking annoying.

it was more annoying because the villain had taken a "liking" to hero that they didn't much appreciate. villain had declared it their mission to "fix" the hero. which they were unsurprisingly not fond of. especially now, tied to a chair, whilst villain ranted about take-out.

"...pizza? really, you don't want PIZZA! c'mon I'm hungry what food do you bloody want. who doesn't want pizza?" they demanded, resembling hero in their exhaustion.

"I'm not hungry" the hero had said it at least half a dozen times now they weren't confident that this would be the time villain listen.

"bullshit" the villain yelled, "you don't fucking eat, you don't fucking sleep. what's your fucking plan hero just stubborn your way to death?"

"doesn't sound half bad" hero shrugged. the villain screeched in frustration. this had become a routine. villain had made a habit of kidnapping hero just to yell at them about self-care or the importance of actually eating. trivial shit to be honest. hero didn't see the big deal.

what if nightmares stopped them sleeping? what if they couldn't eat without it coming back up? hero had seen awful things. and in too many domestic situations. robberies, hostage situations, gruesome homicides, mostly in peoples homes or the shops or the like. places all to ordinary. when they were a kid watching movies the big fights always happened in an underground base or on top of a mountain, somewhere far far far away from the characters home. the reality of heroism was a far more domestic setting. now everything set them of. food more than anything. its consistency was awful, somehow it always resembled something horrid, and before they knew it they were munching on the bones of a civilian they had failed to save last month, or slurping down their fallen friends blood. of course they couldn't keep it down.

the villain didn't understand. they didn't care, they just wanted hero to eat something, sleep a bit. hero didn't care because they wanted to go home and zone out at their bedroom wall.

"your eating something before you leave, ill force it down your fucking throat if i have to, your not leaving until you eat. ill kidnap you every fucking day until I'm sure you can be trusted to look after yourself i swear to god" the villain threatened, increasingly exasperated.

"why bother?"

"what"

"why. bother. somethings gonna get me. maybe your right and I'll starve to death, but what's the difference if supervillain decides to choke me out in my sleep tomorrow? or other-villain decides to torture me to death this time around? or the public turn on me. my days are numbered villain. I'm not gonna live much longer no matter what i do."

the villain stared for a second, eyes boring into the other.

"hero if you kill yourself i swear to god I'm gonna..."

"GONNA WHAT VILLAIN?" the hero roared, trembling with rage, finally losing their patience, "KILL MY FAMILY? MY FRIENDS? RANDOM CIVILIANS? YOU GONNA TORTURE ME? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO TO ME THAT HALF A DOZEN OTHERS HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE" the hero ended breathlessly. it was silent for a moment.

"this job is killing you hero, you gotta stop" the villain whispered gently, careful not to provoke the other.

"untie me" hero demanded brokenly. villain didn't move, "i won't kill myself villain please just untie me"

"you know i can't trust that"

hero huffed. staring down the villain. they didn't know how to proceed from here.

"hero, I'm handing in your resignation to the agency tomorrow" villain stated coldly, determination setting in.

hero laughed, "your not"

"hero i am going to hand in your resignation letter tomorrow. and I'm kidnapping you" there was no room for negotiation.

"already done that for gods sake" hero grumbled but they knew what the villain meant.

"hero, i am so sorry or everything those bastards put you through, i want to kill every single one of them, and i will, but i will not avenge your death"