3/26/2017 - Bethel Chu in her mother's arms - Bethel, a name which means house of God (Gen. 28:19 NLT)
I shared intimate & precious moments with Bethel during worship service today & also last Sunday in church by exercising self-control with the help of the Holy Spirit & revealing a part of my heart that is perhaps not seen as often as it maybe should be, but one (though prayer, wisdom, and discernment is always needed) that is just as needed & necessary: I let her small hand touch my hand as long as she so desired, let her small finger touch my fingers as long as she so desired, I let her enjoy me by letting her explore my hands & fingers with tactile sensation as long as she so desired. When I saw her face light up with such delight, I smiled right back at her so that she could see it, maybe even grinned with such a big smile that revealed the utter happiness, pleasure, joy, and delight that I felt so sincerely & genuinely from the very fibers of my being about her.Ā
There were also moments during service last week in which she, while sitting in the pews, was throwing her toys onto the floor not once but multiple times. Despite such, I chose to be loving, gentle, patient, and kind (1 Cor 13:4-13) in the way I treated & disciplined her gently but firmly, helping her to understand through show & tell that this kind of behavior should not be exhibited during worship service. Though it did take a couple tries, she eventually got the message & stopped doing so for the reminder of the worship service.
By doing these things, I wanted her to know, to see, to rejoice, and to believe with all her heart, mind, soul, and spirit that despite her failures, flaws, bad behavior that she sometimes exhibits during the times she breaks the rules, and more, not only how much I cherish, love her, and am for her, but also how much her parents cherish, love her & are for her and most importantly of all, how much our good & wonderful God & Heavenly Father cherishes her, is for her, and loves her with a steadfast love/lovingkindness that is better than life (Ps 63:3 ESV/NASB). Though these acts may be seemingly small to most, I did such so that it would be an incredibly intentional & powerful form of Christian witness (God/His Word/the Gospel/His goodness/beauty is seen/heard/proclaimed/celebrated & much is made of the name of Christ) & discipleship onto her.
When I was doing these things onto Bethel, I was aware and also knew that her genuinely concerned & godly mother was watching me do this onto Bethel from afar. Even though she did not stop me as I did these things onto her daughter, I also intended this to be an incredibly intentional & powerful form of Christian witness & discipleship onto Julia as well.
During lunch after worship service, I had a long conversation with Julia over the lunch table afterwards. Though it had been a long time since I had a conversation with her at length (for quite understandable reasons - she's married haha), I've always genuinely & sincerely appreciated the way God used her the last time we spoke at length many years ago during a beach trip a time after I had sharply rebuked her boyfriend (now husband) in righteous anger & with tears, after sensing that he would not listen were I to suggest such gently, for not speaking the truth in love to comfort & to encourage me that I had done the right thing, even if it meant running the risk of being alienated from the others (which did happen; oh well, no apologies & regrets) and that she had a godly degree of self-control when we last conversed at length, which meant I could trust her. As such, we talked about the joys & struggles of parenthood, the disapproval she faced from parents in regards to putting aside her career to be a full-time mother at home, the desperation & anxiety that she sometimes felt as a mother about Bethel, and the late hours of the night to which such feelings would keep her up & thinking hard. Though I do not have children of my own as a single man, I could sympathize & understand where she was coming from as these were similar sentiments that I felt & had when making disciples & working with both brothers & sisters outside official ACF meetings not merely confined to such times, but simply as the way that I always did life. I gently but firmly reminded and encouraged Julia, that she & her husband would reap at just the right time (Gal 6:9-10), that none of her & her husband's efforts were in vain (1 Cor 15:58), and that no matter how hard it may seem now, that there is great joy in raising children/that it is a great honor to be a mother (I have utmost respect for her) and to raise & train disciples full-time for the glory of God even if it meant facing disapproval from loved ones/others & that it would all be worth it in the end. I saw Julia's face lighten up considerably after I said those words to her and could tell that she was encouraged & much more relieved than when we first started talking, but in some ways, I didn't really anticipate what she would say next. She asked me directly point blank whether I had ever thought of having children & becoming a father one day. Though I was initially thrown off by her brave heart in asking me such a direct question, I saw her bravery & chose to honor that by answering her with raw honesty & sincerity: that though such a prospect did not occur to me until recently, I was slowly but surely warming up to the possibility of such, as the Lord wills. It was at that point that our conversation ended as she, along with her husband, had to go home to put Bethel to sleep for her afternoon nap & quite appropriately did it end then.
In a lot of ways, this conversation is not the first time that such a topic has come up. Not once, not twice, but three times now has this topic come up. What I find so very interesting about all this is that other than from family (understandable), this topic has been brought up to me all three times by three different married sisters & fellow wives in the faith.Ā
The truth is, I've never really considered romantic relationships, marriage, and fatherhood as something to think more about in my earlier years because I've always been so busy learning so much about God/the Word/the Gospel (I'm only beginning to scratch the surface), learning how to organically disciple both brothers & sisters in every context & setting, learning how to see a brother/sister/man/woman/boy/girl through the Father's eyes, learning what biblical love really is & how to lead in biblical love/the Word/righteousness/selflessness/intimacy, learning how to cultivate spiritual spaces of love/vulnerability/honesty/confession/repentance so that we can all grow & mature in our faith/Christ/our relationship with God, learning how to wring out my life to make disciples for His glory & for the good of those around me, learning how to genuinely encourage/to come alongside the hearts & souls of my sisters not in the creepy hypersexualized way like that found in the culture around us (such utter madness/insanity, oh Lord have mercy), and more. Honestly, I get the same if not similar joy from making disciples of both brothers & sisters, which has been the primary reason why I haven't really considered all that much romantic relationships with the end goal of marriage in mind. However, the more I look around, the more I realize how much decay, sin, destruction, and death is in this broken world, the more aware I become of the many sisters who struggle mightily against comparison & perfection, and I wonder if there is indeed a need to reconsider and to have mercy, especially considering that I am indeed incredibly haunted by the words of Matt Chandler, who made a most profound but apt point indeed: the men who refuse to become husbands & fathers are indeed giving over family, church, city, community, nation, and life over to destruction.Ā
As this has been quite a recurring topic with me as of recent years, it's led me to more carefully consider the incredibly high standard that I've set, that's remained at that high level ever since the fall of 2012. A decent amount of it has come from the godly brother I've been discipled by, but much of it has also come as a result of meeting & befriending to an intimate degree the only sister (Sister #1) who God used single-handedly to utterly blow my mind out of the water in regards to what a godly woman looks like and the enormous blessing that she was & continues to be onto me & all that she meets even to this very day (even though she's married now, we still remain very good friends to this day). She's not only the kind of godly woman that I was thoroughly impressed by on every level (and thoroughly won over by) but the only kind of woman that I would ever consider pursuing in the hopes that it'd lead to something more & eventually result in marriage. That being said, I don't have any desire to lower that standard whatsoever that was set all those years ago, especially when considering how my friendship with that particular sister has made me a more godly man than I was before I met her, how her godliness inspired me to greater belief & faith in God (If this is what God can do in a sister's heart, He can do anything) and motivated me with her words & godly character like no other sister has to want to mature & grow in Christ & in my faith, and how indeed my heart is filled with utmost thankfulness, appreciation, and gratitude to God Almighty & for what He has done in her heart/soul/spirit/inner being whenever I think of her.
That being said, I conclude with my final words to Bethel Chu. Even though it will likely be many years before you will be able to understand any of what I am saying now, I am glad to have the opportunity now to address these words directly to you:
Bethel, I have great faith, hope, and trust in our good God that you are indeed in good hands with very godly parents. Though there is no guarantee that any of the spiritual kindling they gather around your soul will indeed ignite, may you come to know & to believe in our God, our Lord Jesus, and the Gospel, that point in time which represents only the beginning of a wonderful journey indeed. Oh that you would come in the years to grow in ever-abounding & ever-deepening love, awe, wonder, praise, and worship of our God, the kind that bubbles & overflows from the very deepest caverns of who you are, to grow to have a deep knowledge of the Word, to grow to learn to trust in His precious promises no matter what, and to have those promises written ever so close on your heart. May you grow to have a big & tender heart (one filled with love, joy, kindness, compassion, goodness, gentleness, and the other fruits of the Spirit [Gal 5:22-23]), a deep mind, and a brilliant mind and become a godly woman who is passionate about what you want to be passionate about, who is not afraid to pursue her dreams even inĀ the face of outside disapproval/judgment/sexism, and a woman who is not afraid to fail, own up, and to learn from her mistakes. May you grow to be the kind of godly woman who is so strong she can be gentle, so educated she can be humble, so fierce she can be compassionate, and so disciplined that she can be free. May you grow to be an incredibly godly woman who uses her words to encourage, cultivate, and to create spaces in which our God, His Word & Gospel, His faithfulness, His goodness, and His beauty are not only seen, but also heard, proclaimed, and celebrated unto undying end, whose speech/conduct/love/purity make immature boys & men around think twice before messing around with your heart/mind/soul/spirit and motivate them to grow/mature/rise to become more the godly men God created them to be.
And finally, may you grow to be a godly woman who knows that she is fearfully & wonderfully made (Ps 139:14-15), who has an underlying strong & confident sense of how wonderfully loved, beloved, and inherently valuable she is before God as a daughter of the Most High (Ps 139:17-18), whose identity is not found in what others (esp. boys or men) think of her or from comparing herself to others or gossiping about others behind their backs or even putting on the false veneer that she can indeed be completely perfect in this life. No, but may you learn to rest in that precious identity as a daughter of the Most High, one that given to you by God Himself by grace & one that can never be taken away by anyone else, and may you above all, learn to forever rejoice in that.