Macha

Like, a lot of us who had traumatic childhoods had our emotional responses beaten out of us. Don't smile, don't raise your voice, don't cry, boys don't do that, don't bounce your knee, why are you doing that it makes you look weird, don't look away, stop doing that, don't make any noises, and stop moving your hands like that.

Gradually, you become a statue. Immaculate in your formlessness, the world unable to touch you. It's awful.

And, it's not like that goes away when you're out of the situation. Learning to emote again is work. Real work. And it's very hard to justify. On some level, hiding yourself so totally is a strength. It's not 'learning how to put on a mask', it's becoming one with the mask. It's useful, or at least you'll notice when it's useful. To emote again in the ways you lost means fighting through years of trauma.

But. You have to understand. Not emoting feels bad.

Have you ever felt really, really sad but been unable to cry? Denied of tears, you want to gouge your eyes out. The catharsis is gone. Your sadness feels less real for it. Inevitably, you seek other ways to reify your emotions.

It's like this for every emotion that was removed from you. All of them not just an absence but a void. A vacuum that demands more and more. Unstable equilibrium. You have to do something about it but the natural outlet is hidden behind the scariest thing in the world.

So, you fantasize. Wings, horns, tails, ears. You'd coil around her to express your desire. Your wings would flap out and show your pride or bend inward hiding you to show your embarrassment. Your horns would be sensitive the way none of your body could be. Your tail would wag or droop or lift. Here, we see a new language to express ourselves, one untainted by the past. Escapism.

Before getting on estrogen- nothing would have helped with that. I was able to feel things but I was so used to being muted that everything was dull. Hardly had any reason to actually smile. Now I do it a lot, and it's genuinely just lovely.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRANSMEOWFICATION!!

(me too I guess)

Honestly it doesn't feel like it's been that long since I started this dumb little comic and then stopped doing it cause I got too tired to work on it and then I came back to it. Anyway, it's been a while and I'm really grateful to have started doing this. I wouldn't be where I am without it and I also met some actually amazing people because of it. So really all I can say is thank you. Hopefully next year I can make something better as a celebration cause I didn't have much time this year lol

If you want the basic answer though:

It feels like constant whiplash; every day there’s something new.

I'm Still Alex - Webtoon | Tapas | Linktree | Patreon

People have this thought about Nazi Germany of, “How could people ever let it get that bad?  Why didn’t anyone stop it?”

Take a look at America right now, this is how it happens.

Imagine if the whole of the country emphatically condemned the North Carolina bathroom ban; drew a line in the sand saying that trans people are deserving of the same rights, protection, and dignity that anyone should have.

“It doesn’t affect me.” 

“You’re not in North Carolina, why do you care?”

“uuugh, you’re being so sensationalist.”

This is yet another step on the path of transgender genocide that America has already been traveling, and the general population thinks it’s ok.

I say they think it’s ok because most folks aren’t screaming at the top of their lungs drawing attention to it.  If you saw a fire spreading in your building, you’d call 911, you wouldn’t wait for it to become a blazing inferno first.

The fire is spreading in the United States, why are you waiting to say something?

“You know, people like you are the reason Trump won,” a family member told me in 2024.

That family member is still watching the inferno blaze, and even hosts the people who set the flame.