“i am finding my way back to myself again. slowly, patiently, intricately. i am finding roads in between my heart and my mind that connect. i am finding melodies that taste good on my soul. i stray and i take detours occasionally, but i am finding my way back to myself again.”

Love. Love is what? As I lay here contemplating the meaning of such a complicated and simple word, I for the first time in my life find myself unable to write. I am frozen with my pen a hairline away from the paper as I try to force the words to flow. Suddenly the words that come to mind begin to pour out of me like a raging river that has burst through a dam, they are heart breaking. Love is.. love is when they were supposed to hold you after a traumatic event and they tell you it’s your fault. But hey, they love you. Love is when your world is crumbling and they say suck it up because they love you. Love is every time they made you feel less than you’re worth and now every time someone walks in, you don’t think you’re good enough. Or every time they made you feel hard to love, so now you think you can’t be loved by anyone. It’s every negative thing they’ve done to you, but excused it with love. But as these words angrily rip through the lines of my tear stained journal I cannot help but laugh and wipe away my tears. Love is none of that. Those actions lacked any love and were excused by a four letter word that let you believe it was okay… Love is the time your friend dropped everything for you to make sure you’re okay. Love is every moment you were stuck in traffic to go help someone and drop off ice cream and chocolate because life’s been rough. Love is holding someone the way you wanted to be held when you remember every bad thing that’s happened to you. Love is seeing someone’s black parts and reminding them they’re gold too. Love is all the things you’ve ever wanted, but only friends gave you, or you gave yourself. Love is everything you felt was missing in every relationship of your life. Love is everything you gave others. Love is everything you were never given by the people who should’ve showered you with it. Love is me letting you know it’s okay to take off that mask of how okay you are and be sad and cry and curse out the world. Love will be me reminding you it’s not your fault. Love is everything I intend to give you that you didn’t know was possible. It’ll be hidden in the small things too. In the way I can have the prettiest view but be staring at you. It’ll be in the flowers I bring just because you’re running through my mind. It’ll be in the words of my journal that I’ll forever be writing in and I’ll hand you one day. It’ll be in the way I hold your hand when life is rough or the way I high five you when you’ve accomplished one of your goals. It’ll be in every time I drive safe to get us home, because lord knows my driving is insane. And it’ll be in every good action I exude. And for the days I mess up? Those days where you’re reminded I’m not perfect? I promise I’ll never excuse it with the word, “love.”