lyss writes

i have this image of sebastian smythe who is bitter and tough and snarky but trying, trying to be better in a way that’s honest underneath bravado. i have this image of sebastian who isn’t really ready to open his heart up to anyone, he’s wholly insecure, and he’s never known how to express his crushes before. after blaine(or kurt?), and how well that went. ofc he doesnt even let himself think about this. but he is trying, to be good without being /weak/. this sebastian finding a friendship he doesnt expect to be as important as it is,,, well it helps him ease into the feelings.. of course, there’s backlash. when he’s scared he can be... breath takingly horrible. he knows its the worst part of him, the part that can single out the worst things to say to push people away, to hurt them before they can hurt him. but friendship has mutually blossomed love and he starts approaching this feeling... he feels safe. it takes a good year before it comes,,, and he’s still insecure but he feels, like he can trust this boy.  he can be brave. he can push himself. THAT sebastian, that version of him being torn apart. it hurts more than anything. i have this image of that sebastian walking in on his partner cheating on him. he doesnt have those defenses, not against something like this. he’s always been so prepared to stop thngs like this from happening he has no idea how to react to this. there’s no residual anger to tap into. he’s just so fucking hurt and surprised. he stands there.. watching until the boy notices. the boy pulls back, and he looks at sebastian. knows hes screwed up, and there’s nothing he can say. he feels everything crashing down, he tries to touch him, to reason, “seb-” all sebastian can do is avert eye contact and hope he doesn’t notice how he’s crying he splutters, “s-sorry, excuse me,” to no one in particular. he’s so ashamed and embarrassed. all of his fears about himself have been reaffirmed and now everyone will know them. not just him.