demisexuality can be so hard to explain because itâs misconstrued as you just wanting to trust the other person before you have sex with them. and I get why the misconception happens. But demisexuality differs in that there isnât sexual attraction at all before that bond forms.
I think what people have difficulty with is the idea that there are people out there who arenât experiencing sexual attraction at all until a certain point, if ever, because weâre taught that sex, libido, and sexual attraction are all the same, both in and out of queer spaces.
And when youâre learning about asexuality and demisexuality, you may learn that people have romantic and aesthetic attraction separately from sexual attraction, and that sexual and romantic attraction arenât necessarily intertwined, and that may challenge your worldview on sex.
But âI trust you enough to have sex with youâ isnât the same as âIâm not sexually attracted to anyone but you, and the reason Iâm sexually attracted to you now after weâve established this close bond is literally because of the bond of trust weâve been able to formâ.
Itâs easy to see how those can get conflated. On the surface, if youâre unfamiliar with asexuality, they may sound the same. But itâs important to acknowledge the difference between âno sex until I trust youâ and âno sexual attraction unless I trust you and maybe not even thenâ.
Demisexuality is housed under the asexuality spectrum. Itâs part of the gray area between being allosexual and asexual. Itâs part of why the definition for asexuality includes âlittle to no sexual attractionâ. Itâs a mostly asexual experience with an asterisk.
While being demisexual may have impacts on a persons sexual activity, even demisexuals have a varied relationship to the act of participating in sex. Libido and sexual attraction are not always intertwined either, which can make telling the difference tricky.
I think of sexual attraction as libido that has a compass. Since I rarely ever experience sexual attraction, but do have libido, itâs noticeable for me when that libido actually has a direction to go, rather than being a floating, nebulous, independent thing.
Remember, not everyone is demisexual. Thereâs a difference between waiting to have sex and not having sexual attraction at all until a certain point. This also inherently ties demisexuality to romantic attraction and relationships, and not all demisexuals are alloromantic.
But if you read what demisexuality is and think âeveryone is like thatâ or âthatâs just being a womanâ, you either 1) are demisexual 2) donât understand what it is or 3) both. And itâs okay to not know. Just as long as youâre willing to try to learn.
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