Keli

This is not just “what a fine ass” in passing. This is 100% Beefcake Territory. It is not sculpted like a Greek statue. It is built like a Mack Truck. This is the inspiration for bulldozers. There is so much going on. Is it picturesque? Only for anatomy and physiology textbooks, probably under “proportional and healthy bodybuilder’s musculature” or something.

This is not your average aesthetic specimen. This is not your sleek little thoroughbred racehorse. This is a thick-ass draft horse who could pull a brick house off its foundations.

This is a 5’10” hockey player that can go 0 to 30 miles per hour in two seconds flat.

His barbell squats are the stuff of nightmares.

Nobody wants to work out next to him. He uses half the plates in the gym for his “easy day” workouts. It’s worse if he’s bulking.

Every single set of muscles has a spot on his workout list. It is an unending cycle of every quarter getting leveled up, like the video game psychos who level up every stat at the same rate for the whole game instead of focusing on the “important” stuff first.

His hip adductors and abductors are of a size that should be studied, and their flexibility on paper should be a joke, but his yoga absolutely is not.

Resistance training? Those are not exercise bands, Hollander. Those are gaskets for an fifty-ton industrial vehicle. Where did you even get them? Is it even legal for you to have them?

He gets bullied into participating in the “crack a watermelon with your thighs” challenge, and he makes it look so easy.

Box jumps? Mister five-foot-ten does a disgusting sixty-six inch jump.

That “fight” with Scott? The only reason Shane “Thunder-Thighs” Hollander moved at all when his teammates pulled him away was because he hadn’t set his skates and decided he wasn’t moving, actually. And what do you mean having skates on means you can be moved across the ice easy when someone wants to move you? Nobody ever told him that. Shane Hollander sets his skates and that’s the end of the negotiation. Between his beefcake-ness and skill in wearing knife-boots, forget moving him if he doesn’t want to be moved.

Planking. Everywhere

Making a music video to “Like A Boss” by The Lonely Island in the Raider’s training facility

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, multiple times, always shirtless. Some of his notable nominations include a Raider’s assistant coach, Gritty, Shane Hollander, and then-sitting Vice President Joe Biden

The cinnamon challenge (fucked up his breathing for days but refused to acknowledge any discomfort bc Russians Do Not Do This)

Ghost pepper challenge (he ended up crying, made Connors delete the video, and threatened all present to secrecy)

Chubby Bunny challenge (Marly won and posted the video himself)

Gallon of milk challenge (Marly threw up and it was decided the video was too gross to post)

Ghost pepper challenge, again (went the same as the first attempt)

Harlem Shake in the Raiders locker room, obviously

Mannequin challenge during a Raiders practice, also obviously