Light & Dark

Lately, I find myself saying more wrong things than right, and it's frustrating. There are people I hold very close to my heart that have been hurt because of something I said. And I know sometimes it's not even really my fault. It's how they perceive and understand my words. But I know I need to be more careful about it. It's just... getting hard to want to socialize anymore when I feel like I'm walking on eggshells where I shouldn't be. 

Then again, everything's been feeling hard lately. The loss of a friend, the loss of two people I cared about a lot, even though that was my own decision -- the meeting of a man I'm almost 100% sure I would do absolutely anything for. I think.... I think in a way, too, it's like... I'm mad at myself for getting so tangled up in something I know is probably never going to work the way I want it to. 

It's hard to tell someone you love them, when they don't say it back. 

He said it once, though. Well... a couple times, actually. But that first time... I was floating in the clouds. But he seems so back and forth with it, that's it's hard to tell if he's just saying it to satisfy me, and get me off his back, or if he really means it. Which I hate contemplating, because I trust him, but it's those damn agreements inside of me, telling me that he doesn't mean it. Telling me that I'm not worthy of love, and that I don't deserve his comfort and his affection.

 I feel so overwhelmed by the feeling of it, because at the same time that I feel that, I also know that he doesn't want to be a thing. He doesn't want that commitment, and that is... really scary. I know the act of committing is scary too, but the fact that he doesn't want to with me, makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Like... he's going to leave and find someone better, someone more on his level than me, someone he can do that with. 

I don't expect anything of him, and I know -- or at least I hope -- that he knows that. All I strive for is his happiness. But at the same time, I feel jealous. I feel jealous that he has all these friends, all these people surrounding him. Sometimes the jokes are too much, and I start to wonder if I'm really that important, or if I'm just.... another person in his life. I try to be happy for him -- I try to be the me he likes, the big, scary, inhuman cannibal thing that I know he's so fascinated by, but... I'm just a man underneath. I'm a man who was destroyed by another who cut down his constructs and morals until they were nothing, and he was reduced to doing what he needed to survive.

 I like it, yes. I like the act of killing, of torture, of skinning and cutting and carving and eating. But at the same time, I enjoy it because it's what I do to survive. If I needn't do it to live, I wouldn't. I would still be little old me. Kim Jonghoon. The farmboy. The kind-hearted, caring soul. The quiet, innocent young man who wrote books and kept to himself. 

I feel like him right now. I feel like that boy, broken like a porcelain doll and strewn across the floor. I've made someone I love angry. I've made someone I love feel this way... And it hurts. It hurts to realize that this is what I am now. If I had died that day when I was supposed to, I would never have existed in these peoples' lives, and they all would've continued on fine without me. 

But I'm here, and I'm hurting them, and I don't know how to stop it.

 I'm scared.

 I'm scared I'm going to lose them. That I'm going to lose him. All because I'm juvenile, naive, and mushy on the inside. Beneath all that hard, murderous exterior, I'm nothing but an average guy. I'm nothing but another human occupying space in a world where he's not needed, and not wanted. 

I feel my chest aching, and the absinthe is beginning to kick in. I should probably take that sweet little pill before I go, but I don't know if I can. I feel so lost, that I'm afraid it will only make things worse, instead of making them better this time.

Hm. I will say goodbye for now, but there is a possibility you will hear from me again tomorrow. Perhaps. Perhaps not.