vinny

(TADC spoilers)

As I grow older I think that the lens of "representation" can be a very limiting way to view queer fiction, especially things drawing from a queer creator's own lived experiences, and Jax's story is a great example of why.

By some rubrics, Jax is "bad transfem representation." She's a fucked up, maladjusted person who never actually even transitions, who pushes away and hurts most of the people close to her, and whose story ends tragically with something that partially evokes suicide. (Though the abstractions are still, you know, alive, and they seem to still be in there somewhere, so I don't like reading it as a 1:1 metaphor. And also obviously Jax's real world counterpart is still alive and seems to be doing better lol.) Jax isn't an aspirational character for trans women watching the show or someone who makes trans women look good to cis audiences. She's unflattering and suffers a downfall of her own making and only realizes that she's still capable of being loved after it's too late. Thus, "bad representation."

The tragedy of Jax's story is something deeply personal, a cautionary tale about the ugly side of dysphoria and internalized misogyny and bad parent-child relationships and what happens when you repress yourself into a jaded, irony-poisoned mess rather than letting yourself be vulnerable in front of other people. It's a pain that a lot of us can relate to, because real people don't always mirror "good representation," and seeing that pain expressed in a work of art like this helps us process those feelings and know that we aren't alone. The ugliness isn't a mistake, it's the point.

Yes, I also love cute and fun and hopeful and sappy stories about queer characters that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, which is closer to how most of the other characters' stories end in TADC, living happily ever after in a version of the circus where they get to live life how they want to live. Neither is the singular "right" way to tell queer stories, because we need more of ALL kinds of queer stories, because art is subjective and different things will speak to different people. And it's beautiful that this is a story reached such a wide audience and was able to speak to so many people. I hope Jax put things in perspective for some folks.

Like it's bad when a "tattoo is undulating" (as opposed to... "drawn in a wave like pattern on the skin"?), or when hair is "wet wheat from a late Summer field" (as opposed to "sort of brownish light yellow that dries lighter, but is not actual wheat stalks growing on someone's head but kind of reminiscent of the color and texture"?), or when when ice cream tastes like midnight at the fair" (as opposed to "ice cream flavour bringing back memories of undefined ice cream flavours that are individually popular but always tied to a memory of late evening at the fair ground and probably smelling vaguely like popcorn and sugar"?).

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"You inhale the white silence... and exhale a storm with teeth."