Trapped Mind

Hi, guys! I know I've been MIA once again but here's my first video. Feel free to comment, like or dislike and subscribe 😉

There are so many people that believe that there has to be a reason for someone to be depressed. I used to think that too. Depression is not always the aftermath of a hard situation. Yes, this is the reality of some people but it's not a requirement. Let's remember that this is an illness. Is like saying that everyone who has lung cancer got it because that person was a smoker. Some lung cancer patients have never smoked in their lives. See where I'm going with this? Every time I have a really bad day people ask me: "what happened?," "What went wrong?," "Did something happened at school?," "Did I say something wrong?," etc. When I answer that nothing happened, they're all confused. Somehow that makes me feel worse because, believe or not, I feel like it's my fault. Sometimes I'm almost accepting my illness and then someone (with good intentions) tries to fix me. They say that it's because I'm not exercising or I'm not drinking enough water or because I'm using plastic bowls instead of crystal bowls. As I'm writing this I know how ridiculous that sounds but they're still trying to fix me... Like I've done something that made me ill. I was okay... I wasn't even sad when my depression started. Other people (again, with good intentions) say that it's because I don't have God in my life. This one is specially hurtful for me because I do have God in my life. I pray everyday and I wish I could hug him. It's really hard for me to attend church because I get anxious and overwhelmed when I leave my house or even my room. That's hard enough and when I do attend people were so worried about me (because they're incredibly nice people), they start asking me how I'm feeling, why haven't I been attending, they start to give "medical" advice and home remedies for my illness. I know they do it because they want to help. I know that. I really do. However, it still makes everything worse. I don't know what to answer. My head gets all foggy and I'm so confused, overwhelmed and anxious that I want to runaway. I get home, go to my room and feel this immediate relief... This is my comfort zone. My room is the place where I feel safe from the world. It's my hiding spot. Yes, I still feel depressed at my hiding spot but I feel less anxious. Since I have both mental illnesses I just want to at least feel some relief. Let me be.

Every time I'm asked this question, I don't even know how to answer it. "Should I say how I really feel?" "No, they don't care. This is just a polite part of the greeting" "Should I lie then?" I'm paralyzed for a moment having these thoughts and then I reply "I'm fine". No, I'm not fine but for people, technically I'm fine because I'm still breathing. I've answered "not so good" and people have said "what do you mean you're not so good? You have to say that everything is going to be okay. You're healthy and breathing. You have nothing to be sad about". That's interesting... even when I answer closer to how I really feel, people try to change my answer. I've had people say to me "you're wearing makeup! That means you're all better now" Apparently if you wear makeup, all your problems are erased. So, when people ask me this question, I struggle with the answer... how am I? Well, let's see... I haven't been sleeping well for about two months now. I'm tired all the time. Getting here was incredibly difficult. It took me hours to get out of bed. Sometimes I can't even cry because I'm numb; I don't feel sadness or happiness. I'm so disappointed with myself. Why do I have to go through this illness? Yesterday I sat on the car for about an hour thinking if it was worth it to keep studying because I feel like I'm never going to achieve my goals. What happened to me? I used to be above average. Now I'm not even average... Should I quit school and just work? How is that even going to work? People don't understand mental illnesses. What is going to happen when I'm not able to get up? I'm going to get fired because of my "unjustified" absences. People must think that I'm on vacations because I'm not working but I've never been so unhappy. I should just sleep and forget about everything. Oh, wait... I haven't been able to sleep so I'm just going to be lying in bed thinking about how I should just give up. If I share this with you, you're going to think that I'm ungrateful and selfish. Or worse, you'll think I'm exaggerating and just seeking attention. Why did this happen to me? Will I ever recover from this? How am I going to be a mother if I can't even take care of myself? I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life. So this is who I'm going to be for the rest of my life?...

Hi! Just a friendly reminder that you can ask me questions about mental illnesses or you can share your experiences with me. I'll respond as soon as possible. I like to hear from my readers and people struggling with mental illnesses.

Guilt for not being able to work and help my husband with the bills. Guilt for arriving late everywhere I go because it was incredibly hard to get off the bed. Guilt for missing church, appointments, plans I had with friends, school, volunteer work, etc. Guilt for not being enough. Guilt for not being cured already. Guilt for being a burden to my family and friends. Guilt for not acting like a good friend even though I would like to help. Guilt for having good days. Guilt for sleeping too much or too little. Guilt for being in a bad mood because I haven't slept in days. Guilt for eating or not eating at all. Guilt for not looking attractive for my husband. Guilt for not showering in days. Guilt for pushing everyone away. Guilt for making them stay with me. Guilt for having to live with my parents. Guilt for not wanting to get up and feed my dogs, even though I always feed them, I hate myself for ever having those thoughts. Guilt for not being the person my husband agreed to marry. Guilt for not having a personality because my depression and anxiety took that away from me. Guilt for having a stupid illness when people around the world have worst situations. Guilt for having any help because of my illnesses. Guilt... Guilt... Guilt... Obsessive thoughts... More guilt... And repeat.

It's really hard to understand something you've never experienced. People think that you can just "get over it". It's not that simple... I feel like I don't have control over my own body. My suggestion to you is to talk with your boyfriend and express your feelings... I know it's hard and that's why sometimes we suffer in silence... Also, I don't know if you have seek medical advice but they can help you. I take pills and it helps with some of my symptoms. You can also go to therapy. They can give you the tools you need to overcome this. It takes time and I absolutely HATE that but I think we should do anything we can to get through this. Thank you for reading my blog! If you need to talk with someone, I'm here for you. I feel some relief when I know I'm not the only one. Hope this helps you.

Thank you so much for those words ❤️ I know I'm not alone it's just that sometimes it feels that way...

It's 4:04 p.m. and I haven't done anything today. I feel so guilty and embarrassed about that... What is wrong with me? People have gone to work or school, they have cleaned their house or gotten things done... at least they must've eaten. I had breakfast (cereal, of course) at 6:00 a.m. and then I went back to sleep. Got up late so it was too late to go to my class. It's unbelievable the person I've become... Before, I wouldn't miss class even if I was very ill. Today my body didn't even respond to the ten alarms I had set. I feel so embarrassed that I'd rather go back to sleep so I don't have to deal with life. I missed my last appointment with my psychologist because I had a panic attack while I was waiting to be called. If my doctor saw me like that, she would've sent me to the hospital and, obviously, I didn't want that. My family came to pick me up and took me home that day. Today I called to make another appointment and the nearest date they had available was December 20th. Great, right? I feel like I'm attached to the bed. I fall asleep but I don't rest. My mind is going crazy with my thoughts haunting me... Today is my best friend's birthday and instead of making her feel special with all the ideas I had in mind, I'm trapped in my bed with my mind. She won't hate me or get mad because she is incredibly sweet and amazing... but still I feel like a terrible friend. Is anybody even reading my posts? Is it worth it to keep writing in my blog? I feel like I'm just talking to myself or that this is just a show for others to be entertained. I'm sorry... I feel like everything is pointless.

A few days ago I was talking with my husband about my feelings. I told him that there isn't a thing I like about myself. I can see the good things in others but I can only see my flaws. Yes, I know what you would say.... "you're a great person," "you're intelligent," "you will get better," blah, blah, blah. I know because people have said those words to me. The thing is that there's a big difference between knowing and believing. I could say that I love myself just to make others feel better and make them stop worrying about me... I know that... sadly, I don't believe that. I look at myself in the mirror or photos and I feel embarrassed. I'm ashamed of my body, my weight, stretch marks, acne all over my body, etc. I hear people say how stretch marks are beautiful and that there's nothing to be ashamed about. That's nice. I don't believe that. I hate them and I don't want anyone to see them. You see, when I was in high school I weighted 98 pounds. All my life I've been skinny... size 0 or 1. I'm a size 10 now. Some people say I look good or even better. That's nice. I don't believe that either. This isn't because people have said offensive things towards me. I'm the problem. I'm my own bully and I can't help it. I expect perfection and I know that's not realistic. I know that's irrational. Guess what? I still believe it. Does it hurt when people say I've gained weight? Yes. It is incredibly painful. It feels like someone is pressing my wounds. And since I have catastrophic thoughts, I go from "gaining weight" to a fat ugly person whose husband is going to cheat on her and abandon her. For the record, my husband is great, but my mind betrays me. So, this is part of my constant battle. It would be easier if this battle was with someone else. I could just leave, clear my mind and come back with a different perspective. But I can't. I'm stuck. This battle is with myself and nobody else. Yet, I hope that some day I could win the war.

As I walked through the hospital's door with this strange woman escorting me, I looked back to my family feeling incredibly scared. We entered a small room with a desk and two chairs. She locked the door and sat on one chair and asked me to sit on the other chair. She asked me a few questions and wrote on several papers. Then, she explained to me that she had to revise me. I wasn't even sure what that meant. She continued explaining that I had to take all of my clothes off. I couldn't believe that... It was embarrassing. I asked her if that was really necessary and she said yes. They had many rules about the permitted clothes. For example: hoodies couldn't have strings, bras couldn't have underwire, etc. She checked my body for lesions or things I could've hidden in my body or clothes. She checked everything... yup... everything. I even had to shake my hair. Unfortunately the underwear I was wearing wasn't permitted... So, I had to wear my clothes without underwear. It was very uncomfortable... as if I wasn't uncomfortable enough before. Since we didn't know I was going to stay at the hospital, we didn't take anything with us. That meant I had no clothes, underwear, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, etc. Fantastic, right? Fortunately, my incredibly great mother and husband went to the store to buy the things I needed. Meanwhile, I entered the hospital hallway and they gave me a room. I had a roommate, she was a drug addict and she was very nice. At the moment, I hated being there so I just went to bed and I fell asleep. I don't know for how much time I was asleep (we weren't allowed to have cellphones, watches or any other devices). I woke up and I remembered that I hadn't eaten all day and since I'm hypoglycemic, I was afraid I could have a drop in blood sugar. So, I went to the desk and there was a clock. It was almost midnight so they only had snacks, and that was what I ate that day. I went back to my room, ate some of my snacks and tried to sleep. Nobody told me that my family had brought my stuff so I slept that day with the same clothes, without underwear and I didn't take a shower either. They never explained to me what I had to do so I was extremely lost. The next morning I was woken up by the horribly loud man on the speaker next to my bed, telling us it was breakfast time. I looked at my roommate and she didn't seem to care; she went back to sleep so I did the same thing. Later, a nurse woke me up to take my pressure, give me some pills and draw blood. I woke up and it was the time that was scheduled for families to call. I spoke to my husband, my mom and my best friend for approximately five minutes each. I was crying... I didn't want to be there. It felt like prison. I went to sleep again after speaking to my family thinking that sleeping would make those days go by faster...

After my husband's words, I got worse and I wasn't even leaving the bed. My husband was confused, mad and desperate. He didn't know how to help me and didn't know what was happening to me. Well, even I didn't know what was happening to me. I started having suicidal thoughts because I felt like a drag to my family and my husband. I thought that I wasn't worthy of anything. I thought about cutting myself or hurting myself in any way. I knew it was wrong and that was the only thing that stopped me because I knew it was going to hurt my family and friends. Still, I didn't stop having suicidal thoughts. I decided that I had to get over this on my own. I forced myself to get out of bed and I went to school. I had been trying to study for my classes and I had a test coming soon. None of my classmates were prepared for this test so I raised my hand and ask my professor if he could move the test so we could have more time to study. He said no. I left that day frustrated and on our way home I told my husband what happened. I started crying and I couldn't stop. He stopped at my parents' house and asked my mom for help. She tried to calm me down but I wasn't able to calm myself. My mom and my husband had been texting each other about my situation so she knew what was going on. She suggested that I should go to a psychiatric hospital. I didn't want to go. I didn't want for people to see my weaknesses or to think that I was crazy. They tried to convince me but I said no. We started staying at my parents' house so that I wasn't left by myself. I wasn't getting better. I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop crying; it was a nightmare. I decided to give the hospital a chance. We went to the hospital and they gave me my second diagnosis: severe major depression disorder. They said that I had to stay for at least five days in the hospital. I was crushed. For me that meant that I was crazy. My mom said it was the best for me so I did what she said. My husband got off from work to say goodbye to me. We kissed and I cried. I wasn't going to be allowed to have visits. I had never felt so lonely before...

I was looking at some old pictures and I didn't recognize myself. Sadly I couldn't relate to that happy person on the photographs. It made me wonder... how did I get here? Why wasn't I happy anymore? How crazy is this... I envied myself. Is that even possible? By that time I didn't know I was happy. My stupid problems seemed to be so unbearable. Funny, isn't it? I had to lose myself to realize I was happy before. Today I was eating in the school's cafeteria by myself. I had my headphones on so that nobody tried to talk to me. I was looking at people's happiness... they had friends, they probably have goals, they were laughing, they were normal people... And I... well I'm neither of those people... I'm just lost and I seem to have lost my way... I was thinking about how much I miss my best friends at the university. They have graduated. They have a title. Me on the other hand, I've been studying for 6 years and I'm still not going to graduate next year. I'm studying a BS in biology with a minor in chemistry. I was hoping to become a veterinarian. That seems very unrealistic with my current situation. Today I had a test, which I didn't study enough for... because my depression didn't let me. I'm actually good a math, biology and chemistry. If I would've studied properly for this test, it would've been an easy A for me. I'm expecting a D, which makes me incredibly angry with myself because I know I was capable of more. I have failed other classes for the same reasons. Last semester I failed all of my courses. That's not me. I graduated high school with a 4.00 GPA. I'm the kind of student who feels disappointed if I get a B on a test. I'm very hard on myself because I want to be excellent. I don't want to be an average student; that's just not enough for me. If I want to be a veterinarian, I want to be the best; not because I want to gloat but because I think animals deserve the best care there is. I was about to take my test and tears rolled down my face. I was thinking how foolish I am thinking that I could become a veterinarian some day... My depression and anxiety won't let me... How ridiculous is that idea... So, why am I even bothering?...

Today is not a good day... Today I'm useless... I can sleep all day and still feel exhausted... I don't want to eat, I don't want to shower, I don't want to move, I don't want to think... I know everything I have to do and I know that I'm physically capable of doing those things except I can't. I try to move and my body doesn't respond. I hear everyone trying to cheer me up.... and sometimes I see how they get mad thinking I'm just lazy and how easy it is to get up and continue with my life. I'm sorry... it's not that simple... I'm trying... I'm trapped inside my mind trying to get out... I just can't... The only thing that makes me feel some relief is sleeping. I'm not thinking, I'm not responsible for anything or anyone... So let me sleep, let me dream that everything is okay because when I wake up, I'll realize it's not true.... let me be happy for a few hours even though it isn't real... My anxiety is killing me inside, urging me to do something, to be someone I'm supposed to be... But, my depression holds me tight and won't let go...

Love that scripture! God is the main reason I feel some relief. Thanks for sharing!

😳I didn't expect that.. Unfortunately, no.. I'm not amazing... but thank you for those words!

I started last semester cheerfully, focused and with a good attitude. I wasn't going to accept passing my classes with less than an "A". At the beginning, I had really good grades so I was happy that I was going to reach my goal... First of all, you should know that I was working at the university and I was doing research at a fuel cells laboratory. Also, I was taking 14 credits; three from my concentration, and each one had laboratories. My husband and I only had one car and for a period of time, he had two jobs. Normally we would arrive at our house at 1:00 a.m.... at least; there were times that we arrived at 2:00-2:30 a.m. We had to take care of our pets, do homework, make our chores, etc. So... Most of the time, we weren't able to sleep much. My husband had to be at work at 8:00 a.m. so we had to wake up at 5:00 a.m. and he'd drop me off at the university at 6:30 a.m., even though I didn't have classes that early, so that he could arrive on time to work. Then, he would get off work at 5:00 p.m., pick me up at school, change his clothes and start another shift at a restaurant. Normally I had to pick him up at 12:00-1:00 a.m. The days he didn't have to work at the restaurant, he had to take classes. Oh.. I almost forgot... We didn't have internet connection at our house so many times we had to stay at my parents' house to do homework. To summarize, we weren't resting and we had a lot of pressure. As I'm writing this I can't even believe we were able to live like that. Since I was so tired all the time, I was falling asleep everywhere. Literally, everywhere. I was spending 12-15 hours a day at the university and it was overwhelming. I started to get frustrated with everything that was going on but I was thinking positively and told myself that we were going to be able to get through this. That stress and frustration started consuming me even though I didn't want to accept it. So... I started missing classes, getting late to work, forgetting about homework, missing laboratories, etc. That wasn't me and I knew it... but there was this invisible monster holding me down. My thoughts weren't positive anymore and I was feeling numb. I was so embarrassed of myself that I started missing school, not just a class. I would stay home, sleeping, crying, not eating and feeling pointless. I knew I was depressed but I couldn't accept it. I didn't have time for that! "It's stupid! This is just in my mind and I have to get over myself." One day, I pulled myself out of bed and went to school. That day I wasn't able to show up to any of my classes. My husband was noticing my weird behavior and on our way back home he said "you're becoming very irresponsible". Those words broke my heart... He had no clue of what I was going through because I was really good at hiding it... He never meant to hurt me, he was worried about me and didn't know what to do.