☪Luna☪

Kill yourself

In this dark hole I live its so cold, it’s so lonely, it’s so quiet. I’m left with my thoughts and the radiating pain in my bones. Its 5am and I’m wondering who’s bed you’re sleeping in. I haven’t been outside in days and I don’t know what the world is like. I lay on my floor staring at the ceiling, watching the propellers spin. Thinking about how our lives would’ve been if only I was able to tell you what I was feeling. You always asked me that question and all I could tell you was that you were the best thing I’ve ever had. You were so beautiful how the sunshine danced along your skin, the way your hair grazed your lips when the wind was a gentle breeze. The color of your cheeks flushed and those eyes filled with such joy, the day I asked you to be mine. I’ll never forget that day, permanently branded in my mind. The truth is that I didn’t have words to tell you how I felt. I know my problems are not only my burden to bare when it comes to being a team. That day you cried I died inside because you were so desperate for me to come clean and I couldn’t do it, I wouldn’t dare trouble your mind with these thoughts of mine. I don’t blame you for leaving. I blame myself and I blame these demons for what I’ve put you through, because this hole wasn’t built for 2.

“I wish I could tell everyone how I really feel, but when I try to bring it up they say ” You don’t look sick, you look like you feel okay, where is this coming from?“ I wasn’t aware that you could read my thoughts on my skin. Do I have to look sick to make the part? Depression has a face but it’s not on the outside where everyone can look at it, it’s in my mind, it’s in my heart. Its under my skin and it aches in my bones. Its in my cries for help and my countless efforts to get better. Its not something you just push through or something you bury because I tell you now you can only fit so many thoughts in 1 bottle before you have to find something else to bury your sorrows in. I just want you to listen, even though I’m afraid of making you sad. I’m not looking for answer or a cure, maybe I’m not looking for advice at all. I just want somewhere else all these thoughts can go, that isn’t inside of me, and I’m asking you to believe me please.”

“One day these ships will take me away and you’ll be here still living in fear that the chances we took were mistakes.”

“One day you’ll come knocking on my door because I’m your last resort and I won’t answer because we have been down this road many times before, and I’m not falling for you this time.”

I wish I could take back the words that poisoned you because seeing you sick is killing me too.

My depression isn’t the sadness I feel. It’s the wave of loneliness that crashes into me while I’m surrounded by people I love. It’s the desire to stare at the wall rather than to face my inner conflict. It’s the unease I feel in the pit of my stomach while I’m trying to relax. My depression isn’t a feeling, but rather an illness that really does affect me in every way of life, regardless of whether I’ve had a good day or not.