dear aspec community, please help a girl out here.
am i aromantic, a late bloomer, cursed, or fucked up in the head? you decide! (pls give me advice)
i am 16 years old and i have never in my life had a crush. not even a fictional one. i never really viewed this as a problem at all growing up as i didn't really have any boy-crazy friends and i didn't ever think of romance as anything other than something other people partook in. this has changed since entering highschool because most people around me have started dating, which kind of forced me to think about where i stand when it comes to attraction.
i can 100% find people physically attractive. i can go on the whole "omg that guys so hot im so obsessed with him" rant, but i don't really mean it outside of just enjoying how he looks/acts. i have NO urge to actually interact w that guy romantically, i just think the idea of him is cute. like the hottest guy on earth could ask me out and i would gag, not because i dont think he's attractive, but because im not attracted TO him. but the thing is, and here's the thing that's been killing me, i WANT a relationship. everything around me is always mentioning love in some way, whether it be the songs i listen to, or the books i read, or the couple holding hands on the street as i walk by. love is EVERYWHERE. it seems like such a beautiful thing to find somebody who completes you, and i want to experience what it's like. it people always describe the butterflies and excitment and comfort that comes from it, and i WANT THAT. but the problem is that no matter what, i CANT HAVE IT. it feels like im being left out of some major inside joke with the entire rest of the world. it's not like i couldn't pull if i wanted to. i've had guys be interested in me before, but i've pushed them away or ghosted them once i realized what was going on. the idea of getting close enough with someone that we kiss and hold hands and know every little detail about each other, IRKS ME. i like the idea of it in theory but when it actually starts to happen, i lose ALL INTEREST.
i've also wondered before if i might be lesbian, because i definitely find girls more attractive than guys. guys are fucking ugly 90% of the time and girls are fucking gorgeous 90% of the time. but again, all just a part of physical attraction, not the want to be with someone. i've never had a crush on any girl and i dont think i'd go out with one if she asked me.
i've known i might be aroace since i was 12 years old (if ur wondering how, it was 2022 and i was chronically online) but honestly i've just always thought "what are the odds that in the one life i've been given to live, i have to miss out on a human experience as major as this?" i've just always thought that there was no way that out of all the brains and bodies i could've been born into, i am born into the one that can't fee love. it just didn't seem probable, so i've ignored it until recently in hopes that i would finally, FINALLY get a crush. yeah no nothing so far. but i'm very scared of accepting the label of aromantic because if i tell someone, there's always i chance that i will get a crush later on and then i'll have to explain to that person how i was wrong and take it all back. and to me the thought of that is humiliating. and yes, i know that i don't HAVE to tell anyone, but i really would like to give my friends some reason as to why i avoid dating like the plague, because i know they know somethings up.
i would also feel strange adapting the lgbtq+ label if i do start accepting myself as aromantic, because truly, i dont think that the struggle i've gone through figuring this out is even remotely comparable to the struggle that so many queer people have gone through all throughout history. because if i wanted to, i could just play this off as wanting to be "independent" and live the rest of my life with little to no hate from others. but i know that just going by the label aro or ace automatically groups my with the lgbtq community. which, of course, i have no problem with, except for the fact that i feel undeserving of that because i am a basic rich white girl who could live the most normal mf life in the world if i just choose to ignore all this. and i know that plently of gay people who live in unsafe environments would give anything to have a life like mine (sorry was saying that insensitive i actually dont know). so i feel like by coming to terms with this part of myself, i'm giving up the normalcy of a life that i could have if i just decide to stay oblivious.
even ignoring all of this, if it really is true that i never will like anyone, what now? how do i accept the fact that i will never find "my person" and how does that change the way i need to start viewing my future? is it worth telling people about this? how long until they start to notice? how do i act in conversations about romance? why me?
if im really being honest, i dont want to be aro. but im coming to terms w the fact that at my core i just might be, no matter what i do. and that's really scary. im very scared of growing old with no partner or kids and watching all my friends start families and happy lives while im left behind. that is truly my biggest fear when it comes to all of this and im really scraed that there's no avoiding that fate for me.
i haven't related to a lot of posts i've found about aromanticism, probably because a lot of them are posted on reddit by 50 year olds, but also a lot that i've found are just incredibly negative and hate on the existence of romance as a whole. i truly love the idea of romantic love, and wish that i could experience it for myself, but finding myself face to face with a community that kind of thinks of itself as above it is kind of strange, because these might be my people. i just want to find a way to live a happy healthy, non-loner life while also not dating? its probably so much simpler than i imagine but at this point i've thought my brain into a knot.
not sure if this post was as clear as i would have liked to make it, but these are some struggles i've been dealing with and i would really appreciate some advice from someone who has gone through this or experienced even remotely similar feelings. i've just felt very alone in this lately.
thanks garlic gang :)
fuck
