I'm old, tired and angry all the time. Supposedly an artist, with 3 braincells and arson instincts. Sometimes i also cosplay, take photos, bake, craft things and write. I suck at tagging my posts because i always forget, but i also never stfu so if you wanna see my art only go to @lucifugousartrb
#Mothstfu to stop my nonsense, #Mothtalks for when i say something slightly clever
AO3:
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Side blogs:
✦ @mothsrevenge (Tokrev reblog spam)
✦ @monkeybrainmoth (LMK reblog spam)
"I'm gonna fix my gender in the car along the way" - Andre, certified gender thief, 2022
I'm from Italy and speak ITA/ENG (ESP/RUS 🤏)
Transmasc, non binary (cosmicgender)
Aroace, gay gay polyamorous gay
Neurodivergent (80hd & 'tism club, dyslexic)(tone indicators appreciated if we're not close)
Intx-T 5w4 (Living my best life between INTP and INTJ and enjoying the chaos that comes from it)
*****
My main TokRev AU:
A Tokyo Revengers AU
🔹 Sketches:
Bajiharu piercings | Fuyu's tattoos | Musan piano | Hanma's hair | Sanzu cello | Ran's hair
🔹 Commissioned Art / Art by others
*****
I show up. I post art (maybe). I disappear for 3-4 more months. Professional at forgetting Tumblr exists.
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I like to imagine that mothman is actually just some sort of giant freak anurognathid that’s just been hiding out in the forests of WV and living on squirrels and the occasional cat
at Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville rn and i’m wondering why more musicians don’t have their own restaurants. i would eat at Trent Reznor’s Tavern of Terror
i loveeeeeee nonlinear storytelling. show me where we are. now show me how we got here. the end before the beginning. show me how it was inevitable or how many chances we had to change things(nothing was ever going to change). let's meet in the middle as all the puzzle pieces slide into place hell yeah that's the good shit.
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(link to ao3 in case some one preferes to read it there)
First of all...I'm sorry for this (not really but yes a lot at the same time, but I did this to myself too). An evil snail shared with me this AMAZING AND BRUTAL essay on Sanzu & katana-chan and reading the last pages about Mucho, this fic happened. So first of all...
GO, READ THE ESSAY NOW!
All of us, at least once, have wondered why Haru had a katana… What brought him to pick it as his weapon of choice in most timelines?
Well.
Summary: "We are both dying here today, captain."
[or why Sanzu looses his grip]
Warnings: Manga Spoilers. Major Character Death (chapter 206, duh). Hurt/No Comfort. Like for real, comfort has been slashed with a katana and is sinking in the bottom of the ocean.
The title is from "Love you better" because I listened in a loop for two days while reading the essay and writing this.
Oh, I played with Sanzu name (again, yes) but this time doing a full Jinx, ooopsie!
(English is not my first language, so be nice please 🙈)
It’s been six months since the Kanto Incident. Six months of planning for this day, of imagining how he’s going to punish that damn traitor. Of pretending his whole body doesn’t ache at the idea of killing the only person that made him feel like he mattered.
Haruchiyo is good at that, at hiding his true feelings from the world, lying to himself as much as he needs as a way of achieving it. He’s good at rationalize the overwhelming whirlwind of emotions that threaten to flood his mind all the time. He’s used to repress the pain, keep his anxiety at bay, bury all of it next to the memories he can’t face without having the need to scream and break everything at his reach (including himself).
Six months that seem to crumble the second his captain’s eyes light up when he spots him outside the detention center.
The ride is dominated by silence, that only breaks with Muto’s simple questions about how he’s been doing during this time. Genuine concern plastered on the face he’s supposed to hate. Haruchiyo wants to laugh hysterically at this, the irony that even now the older boy is only worried about him. Instead, he just gives short answers, knowing the other won’t push his boundaries.
They are finally at the wharf and his resolve flatters for a moment, overwhelmed by a kindness that he forgot how warm it feels.
“I’ve been waiting for this day...”
Haruchiyo trails off, talking mostly to himself. His hands grip the hilt of the katana, steading his inner turmoil with the reminder of why he’s doing this. The tangible proof of his vow, of the promise that gives him purpose. Wielding it with years of practice, preparing himself to strike a fatal blow.
‘Is that it? Is that the only reason I’m doing this?’
He hesitates, consciously loosening his grip on one hand and landing a sloppy cut that buys him some precious seconds.
“You damned betrayer!”
‘Liar, you made me think I could trust you, made me feel safe, seen. How can you say you love me when you couldn’t tell your treason would rot everything we shared?’
“Sanzu...?”
Muto looks at him in shock, trying to stop the bleeding with his hand and falling on his knees. He’s the perfect image of bewilderment, like he can’t comprehend what is happening, why is happening.
“I’ve been fooling you all along.”
‘I’ve been fooling myself, pretending this never meant anything to me. Pretending you never meant anything to me.’
Haruchiyo keeps talking, winning some time in order to collect his thoughts, to understand his own feelings in order to let them go and fully put his heart on the second hit.
“Remember our conversation that day when we were playing shogi? I said it, right?”
‘Do you remember how you told me I also mattered? You made me yearn for more, you were the first person that taught me to be selfish, to listen to my own needs.’
It’s almost ironic, realizing killing Muto is a sick way of putting himself first. Realizing this is personal.
“Protecting the king is the priority. You betrayed Mikey, didn’t you?”
‘You betrayed me, didn’t you?’
He takes off his mask, the scars reminding him of his place, letting go the faint illusion it could ever be somewhere else. That it could be next to his captain. He can’t forget it again, can’t keep hiding his devotion behind his craving for affection.
A sadistic grin on his face. That’s the new mask he’s going to show to a world that will never be the same for him.
“Now it’s checkmate.”
This time the cut is fatal, slashing a lot more than flesh and bones and severing the ties between them.
‘We are both dying here today, captain.’
Somehow, Muto hears the words he never says. But his will be the only tears shed, no one else will mourn the Haruchiyo that knew genuine love.
Sanzu can’t allow himself to grieve. He can’t be weak again, these seconds that felt like ages will be the last entertaining the idea he could be more than a loyal knight to his beloved king.
He made a promise and Sanzu is willing to do anything in order to fulfill it. Even killing a part of himself forever. His weakness, the love that tempted him to break free of his sacred vow. In a twisted way, he can’t avoid thinking how fitting it feels burying it with his captain.
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"I'll follow the man I offered my life to into hell, if that's where his path lead" - "As you fall deeper into the shadows, no matter if you kill me along the way, I will give all of my life for you, […] Mikey" = deep devotion
Similar relationship with Mucho = "You taught me how to be a real man" - "I would've loved to have a big brother like you"
Toss away his family name - Changed his family name. Which leads to them both more or less metaphorically becoming someone else, changing identity
Dead Family - Dead to him family
(+ Kakucho says he lost all of his family members, so we can't tell if he was an only child or not since he never explained what family members he had to start with)
We can argue that both became devoted to Izana/Mikey when they were around 8 y/o, following a traumatizing incident (Kakucho and Izana first met when he's 8 + he just lived the car accident & got his scar - Sanzu's scars happened when he was 9 but like. close enough. Kakucho could've also been 9 for what we know of. He was in 3rd grade after all)
Only listens to Izana (Ran to South, chapter 227: "Nah, Kakucho ain’t gonna listen to you. In fact, he wasn’t really one of us until Izana told him to be.") - Only listens to Mikey (don't think I have to justify that one)
Have no will to live on their own if Izana/Mikey die. Izana/Mikey is their will to live. Suicidal empty shell when their king dies with no goals (canon for Kakucho when South goes to 'recruit' him - it goes without saying for Sanzu, no need for a canonical proof or Wakui's confirmation to understand that)
Both see Izana/Mikey as their 'King', and take on a subordinate role
Has morals but will ignore them if Izana orders it - Got rid of his morals to do anything that Mikey asks, will go out of his way to do things Mikey doesn't ask
Does (criminal) things only if Izana asks for it + there are instances where he tries to stop Izana (Emma's death, claiming that Tenjiku lost,...) - Does criminal things even if Mikey doesn't ask for it + would only stop doing them if Mikey demands he does
First friend Izana made - First friend Mikey had
I think that's all I can think of as for now
Will edit this if I remember anything else
Ah. Both have facial scar too. I guess that's what I should've started with
Okay, I promise I will comment on this, so... Here I go! @just-sp-in-inginthevoid
First of all: OUCH. Because this is all so true and so painful, Sanzu and Kakucho breake my heart in so many different ways 😭
(TR is so full of tragic characters, damn it xD)
I always thought both of them were the most-loyal™ in opposite ways, but seeing all this parallels... Ahrjeurhfkfkreuuehrj 😭
Another parallels/random thoughts about that:
They only go against the king will when it's for his own good, but they understand that concept differently. Kakucho in Tenjiku fight trying to stop Izana ONLY when he saw Izana hurting and losing control - Sanzu in Bonten forcing Mikey to eat and sleep (okay, this one is a hc, but it checks so much!)
Both of them being the ones that in Bonten timeline are having bad flashbacks with Mikey's depression. Kakucho because he was the one with depressed Izana - Sanzu saw Shinichiro depressed in the OGtimeline (also, Bonten Mikey is so skinny that reminds me of OG!timeline Mikey and it hurts so much)
How I never realized about the scars? And how long did Wakui planned everything about this parallel?
Okay, all of this got me thinking that, in some way... Sanzu is the extreme/unhinged version of Kakucho. HEAR ME OUT:
Sanzu only had Mikey. He lost his other connection (OG!timeline Baji), Shinichiro also dies in that timeline - While Kakucho lived for Izana, but he still had friends, he had the s62 generation. We had proves that they cares about each other, that Ran specially cared for Kakucho (the closing eyes moment and how Ran helped Kakucho in the three dieties battle). So, unlike Sanzu, Kakucho have more people that grounded him.
Kakucho ignores his morals for Izana, but still have them - Sanzu just got rid of his for Mikey. Again, extreme version of what Kakucho is doing.
When Izana dies, Kakucho is just an empty shell, without will to live. But he's alive (yeah, bc Izana died for him and he feels guilty asfck, I know, but he does). In Rokuhara, Kanto Manji and Bonten, he doesn't look happy at all. But he looks less like a shell. He feels empty and it shows. But he's more here than before. Why? It could be because he feels following Mikey is following Izana's will. Also bc he's with the s62 again, with his friends. He's not alone anymore even if he's broken. It's probably a mix of both, tbh. - Sanzu... I agree, we don't need proves to know what happened with Bonten Sanzu after Mikey's death. Again, extreme version. Where Kakucho is dead inside, Sanzu is just dead.
Izana relationship with Kakucho is complicated (and I would need another post to talk about it bc it's my agnstyship), but Izana cares about Kakucho. He doesn't show it enough for a lot of reasons, but he does. And Kakucho knew that. Maybe he only knew after Izana's death (ouch), but he knew at some point. Their relationship is not equal at all, but it's still not one-sided. - Sanzu relationship with Mikey is mostly one-sided. I only say mostly bc Mikey regrets it in the final timeline and saved Sanzu. Do I really need to go deep on that? Mikey cared about Sanzu when they were kids, sure. But he doesn't anymore in Toman, he constantly forgets about him when he talks about "the good old days". And in Kanto Manji and Bonten, Mikey is too far gone, so it's worst. I can't imagine any of this two Mikeys dying for saving Sanzu's life. At all. And Sanzu knew that. He knew that Mikey didn't cared about him. He knew that relationship was one-sided. Again, two different types of unbalanced relationshis, but Sanzu is more extreme.
Kakucho saw his king dying once - Sanzu... Twice. In more than one timeline (Manila and Bonten that we know for sure). Again... More extreme, yey!
Kid Kakucho's trauma is not related to Izana. Is the opposite, Izana "saved" him from loneliness. Izana gave traumatized Kakucho something to live for. - Sanzu... Well, I'm sure he already had trauma when he met Mikey bc Akashi family. So at some point, Mikey was the light of his days. But then, Mikey is the one that gave him the scars, that traumatized him (more). So, in some way, Mikey first saved him from loneliness, but then, he gave him pain in return (not judging Mikey, I know he was cursed). Again, same trope but extreme version!
Okay, I could probably go on and on for a lot more with this (maybe I will and edit later), but I think I was able to explain what I was trying to say. Also, this is breaking me a little bit, bc I love both characters so much! 😭😭
(But I enjoy the brain riot and can't stop looking for the angst, I love that TR is a trauma onion! Oops)
Edit: of course they are freaking parallels and two sides of the same coin but different version! Autistic!Kakucho vs. Adhd!Sanzu! "You're like me but faster/too exteme" vs. "You're like me but slower/boring" type of beef! That's the best resume ever, two different ND ways of being The Most Loyal™ 💜
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