Pulling My Shit Together

“we’re ruining the planet” i’m sorry who is this we i don’t recall myself running a billion dollar oil business

What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Mitosis.

living has always been a large part of my life. I was born at an incredibly young age, and ever since then, I have been alive

College entrance essays be like…

if you firmly believe cowboy cats would say meowdy hit that mf reblog

I used to think it was important to have common interests with the person that you are in a relationship with but now I think it is more important to be similar in other aspects. like how kind you are. how you treat the people you care about, how you treat strangers. how you deal with anger. how you deal with pain. and not necessarily dealing with all these things the same way but being perseptive enough to understand what action each situation calls for. it’s important for both people to be on the same page about what that action should be. it’s important to me to have that kind of synchrony.

we are all collectively Mike

universal pictures really dug themselves into a hole with the “minions flock to the biggest villain on the planet” thing because there’s no way to deny that minions must have worked for like, fascist italy or the mafia… but they made their bed so now they can lie in it

minions are directly responsible for every war crime and atrocity in human history

this is the purest meme to ever hit and i’m so glad

whenever a young kid joins our staff at work im just like huh. guess im a father now.

these kids will be like “can you drive me home? i don’t have gas money but-” and im already pullin out my keys and am like. sweetheart, you are a child. i am not charging a child gas money.

i literally almost lunged across the counter to throw hands with some old hag who yelled at and insulted one of our 16 y/o girls but instead i threw her sandwich at her and told her to never fucking come back

old dudes will flirt with our young girls too and i’ll be like ay man this is a truck stop, normal customer service rules dont apply here. i can and will call the cops on you.

I don’t have a train of thought I have seven trains on 4 tracks that narrowly avoid each other when the paths cross and all the conductors are screaming

I was not ready for this today…This is too much cuteness. I just..I can’t even..

i just got kissed by a cat. through a screen. and i love it.

you really need to hit play you just really do