Average White Girl Shit

I know this is long but I know there are others out there who have felt this way so please read and help me get through it It just hit me again. And now I'm back to rock bottom. It's been so so so long since I was this low in myself. I've gotten to the point where I don't know what to do, all I can think about is cutting but I know it with each cut I make its cutting my Mam too. That's the only thing stopping me..... She's the only reason. My love for her out weighs the urge to cut but I have no relief. The pain and stress is building up in my head, I can feel it gathering and swelling, about to explode but with no way of relief what can I do now. My life has spiralled down drastically in the last week. I did not see this coming at all. College work has built up so much that I don't even know where to start. I've gained so much weight, which has lead to me gaining even more hatred towards myself which I didn't think was even possible. I hate every single little thing about myself down to how my fingernails grow. I don't know how to accept myself because I will never be happy with myself. And if I can't be happy with myself how could I expect someone to be happy with me. I feel as if I'm having a very negative effect on my friends. They don't want to be around me anymore because I'm too dependant on them and I just drag them down. They don't know who I am. They don't know I feel this way. They never will. All they see is a front and it's a front they've grown to dislike and I wish I could show them the real me but they won't accept it. They will think it's fake as all they know of me is he front and they think that's the real me. I know I'm not the only one feeling like this but I really don't know what to do to pick myself up. I'm going to stay clear from some of my friends, the ones who are embarrassed to be around me, who don't know who I really am, who think I'm a joke. I'm going to make them regret loosing me, I'm going to regain my kindness, my softness, my smile. They're going to wish they were around me more. I'm going to loose weight and become more attractive so they wish they payed more attention to me. But also I'm doing it for myself, so I pay more attention to myself, so I see who I truly am and who I can be. If you have ever felt this way please reach out and help me get better. Tell me your strategies for keeping strong and believing in yourself because I'm on the verge of loosing it all.