Love In The Back Left Pocket

I’m sad.

I’m single again.

But I’m not sad that I’m single. I’m just sad how it played out. How I feel played.

As you may or may not remember, I took on the the task of dating a recovering addict whom relapsed, with a string of mental health issues among other things. And despite all that, I tried. It’s me after all. I try to see the best in everyone, whether that’s too my detriment.

Even though I feel a weight off my shoulders, I’m still sad. Breakups are just hard. You see someone at least once a week, you text good morning, you text goodnight, they integrate with your life, people ask where’s X when you show up alone… and *snap*, you have to learn to live life alone again. And it’s that part I’m mostly sad about.

Do I suggest you dating a recovering addict? I’m not gonna say yes or no. If you have the will power, the mental strength, they treat you right, they make you smile, they make you feel good about yourself, then yeah, go for it. When I had last posted, everyone said I was crazy to even think about dating him. However, it’s not the addict part that got me, it was the mental illness, the I don’t feel my best self around you that got to me.

Prior to the ending things with him, the night before. I ran into two exes at the club.

- The one I “hurt” and blocked me on all socials, flaunting his new bf in my face. Luckily, I already knew the guy + I already heart through the grapevine so I wasn’t blind sided.

- The one that hurt me and belittled me. He was upset that I haven’t been responding to his DMs and that I didn’t want to dye his hair. He drunkenly admitted that he just wanted to be friends Bc I’m so amazing and I know who I am. “I helped him become who he is and love his gay side” I told him how he belittled me and I never listened to my friends when they told me he did. I felt a great weight off my chest.

Anyways. The point is. 3 exes within a 12 hour span. My heart and mind was heavy…

Followed by this new guy. Honestly, I’ll say it here, he might be it. But I don’t want to hype it up either.

HOWEVER, even though X meant less to me over time, I need time to recover before I can really be with this new guy. But I’m scared if I tell him, he is gonna think he is the rebound. Or that I technically cheated with him, and then broke up with X.

As always, sorry for this long post. I just had to write something as I was just laying in the bed. Crying over X, Bc even though he wasn’t significant, my heart still feels heavy.

I’ll start with me. I had set my trajectory and planning to move across the world once the world opens up. If COVID taught us anything, just do what you want. I never really had goals for myself or career path, so this is very exciting for me.

Of course, as life would have it. It sends me a boy. Not even on a typical app! I went on a date, we clicked, and it’s been a whirlwind month. Knowing I would be leaving by end of year. I thought, this would be short term.

So what’s the issue…issues you ask?

- he’s a bottom but both at the beginning said we would both work on it.

- Diagnosed high anxiety

- Recovering meth addict

- From the meth addiction. Now how sexual issues.

Lord. Have. Mercy.

What initially drew me to him was how he recovered from all of the above. How he triumphed. Walked with his head held high in the world.

Mother’s Day is tomorrow and I was going to introduce him to the FAMILY. Now I’m not too sure. Last time I introduced a boy, we broke up shortly thereafter.

So now the bigger issue. He relapsed yesterday after a year of sobriety. Relapsed as in: drive across the state, get a motel, meth and get plowed by a line of men. He called me after the fact and asked me to come save him. So here I am, on a flight to get him and drive back with him.

I never had an addiction but I can understand how traumatic it must be. He said he would normally continue all weekend but me talking to him stopped him. I’m happy to be that for him but FUCK.

What am I doing? It’s only been a month. This is some heavy fucking baggage. And knowing I’m gonna leave the country, what will happen to him? And what after two months , I don’t want a relationship, is me breaking up with him going to cause him yo relapse and fall into a dark hole? I know it’s not my problem but if you could save someone, wouldn’t you?

We see you...

Or at least I do. It’s not easy trying to make it happen during a pandemy but you out there, trying to make the best of it. And though that date you just went might have been the one, you are the one.

Love always,

- Thanksgiving - It looked a lot different this year for obvious reasons. And with covid cases on rise - it made me sad? Embarrassed? Terrified? For the community when I log into Grindr and see “Visiting” on people’s profile. Granted, they aren’t necessarily hooking up but I bet you if propositioned and someone could host, theyd probably do it. Putting their family or whomever they are visiting at risk of covid just to get their rocks off.

That’s not to say I’m innocent. I’m not any better bc I do live with family and have hooked up in the age of covid. I just imagine someone is visiting their family for a thanksgiving and spreading it to everyoneeee during their visit.

- Three - I planned to meet up with this guy, Three. An hour or so before we were going to meet up, he asked if another fwb bottom can join. You know me, I obviously said sure. Three and I planned for me to come early and preplay just so we can get to know each other first and the friend would join later. We get along just us two but when his friend comes, I was not into him. Lol. Besides for his look, when he came in for the kiss.... 🤢. You know I’m notoriously a bottom, well boys, it’s 2020 and the world is basically upside down. So I didn’t have to kiss him, I let him ride me. 😂 he finished off, got a work call and rushed off. After Three got back to bed from walking his friend to the door, I looked him dead in the eye,” I don’t want to ever do that with him again.” He laughed and said,”okay babe, just you and me next time. “

- Couple - I’ve been chatting up with this couple whom have been in and out of Grindr but finally moved to town. Obviously, I had to bring out the welcome wagon, aka this ass. 🍑 I was apprehensive at first as I’ve been dealing with an injury for a month so I haven’t been meeting up with anyone. I, being a hoe of course, said fuck it. They were very accommodating and would treat me as gently or roughly as needed. While i started blowing them and they got harder and harder; I couldn’t help but to think, why’d I think it would be a good idea to take two huge penises after a month+ hiatus. Anyways, they were delightful. They were so sweet to each other and I could feel their connection even while one of them was fucking me. It made me think, 🥺 I want that. They blew 3 loads in me, one after another and we parted ways but my night only just started.

- Curly - while planning my meet up with Couple, Curly messaged me. He complimented my pics but I didn’t think much of it bc he had ⬇️ as his name. We chatted up until I met up with couple. Fast Forward after I was cum dump for couple ➡️ I checked my last message Curly sent me. I flirty say - well, if you ever decide you want to top, hit me up. He immediately responds - come over now then? As I sat in my car, ready to head home, I debated if I should tell him that I was just railed by two guys and left with loads in me. 🙃 You all know which route I took. I apologized to him - I can’t tonight, you probably wouldn’t want to fuck me right now with 2 loads in me (I only said 2 Bc I didn’t want to see “slutty”😆) He pinned dropped his location and I was off to my next destination. Whether he was into eating me or just eating the cum out of my hole, either way, he sure got a mouth full. He finished off by dumping one last load in me. As we parted ways, he offered me a slice of pizza that had just arrived.

- Doc - He was in town for thanksgiving. I know, didn’t I just shame everyone for doing that? Well, I matched with him on Tinder and I notoriously have the worst luck on it. But as 2020 would have it, we had great conversation. He said he’s back often and just interviewed up here. So I kept an open mind but kept my hopes low. Before he left town, I sent him my number in hopes that I wasn’t just another match that led to nothing. Few days later, he texted me, we face timed, and I couldn’t help but just have butterflies. It probably isn’t anything but I’ve been watching a lot of Gay sitcoms/Filipino BL series and I’m just wishing the best out of the least. I know, very HS but it’s not like I have anything else to look forward too.

Coooooooooool.

I’m like, gay chubby but straight average. I used to be a chubbier guy so that mentality of self worth and doubt never really leaves your head. Those damn demons.

Long story short, I pull some hot guys some times and I just feel so “blessed.” I feel silly too, like, I’m deserved of this hot guy. Why do I have to feel so extra Bc he’s hot?

Now hear me out. It’s been over a year now. I don’t think about him every day anymore. I don’t “stalk” him on socials or seek validation from him anymore. I’ve given up old hope and and dreams of what ifs.

But after a random late night phone call, I can see why we were a thing. The connection we had... have? We don’t bear any hate towards one another. In fact, it was an “adult” breakup and we just parted ways. I don’t want to say all the love for him came rushing back or all those hopes and dreams were suddenly on the horizon.

Maybe it’s the quarantine that got me feeling all “mixed” up. Or the murkyness of life due to our current pandemic state? Maybes he’s just a memory of a time when things were good and I’m just trying to cling to anything good at this point.

Either way, can we be over our ex but still madly in love?

I know it’s Grindr. My expectations should be low. But I’ve always wondered things about people’s profile pic and the pics they send.

What qualms do you have with people and their pictures on these dating apps? Want my opinion on other dating app qualms you have, let me know! Here are some that plagued me today...

To the no profile pic person:

if you are gonna start talking to someone, it’s on you to send a picture of yourself if you want to pursue conversation. I shouldn’t have to ask. And I get it, your trying to be discreet. But what do you really think I’m going to do with your photo? Post it on my Instagram and ask people what they think of you?

To the super close up facepic, generally at a bad angle:

Would you message yourself? Though I’m thoroughly greatful that you have a picture up, why would you chose this oddly angled photo of yourself? Isn’t the point of these apps is to give off your best self to get some dick/date/friendship? I know, I’m sounding shallow BUT these apps are all about perception. I ask you again, would you want a dick appointment, date , or friendship with this photo you have chosen to share to the world?

To sunglasses and now masked face:

1 - I finally broke quarantine to just hookup with a guy. Lord, that was a long amazing session. It felt good to be able to explore that side again. And I use the word long to describe Bc I’m more of a quick intense session. I don’t need it go on forever. However, he was attentive to my needs, he told me what he wanted, he hit all the right spots, it was sweaty, and just a great 5 month hookup hiatus.

2 - If you remember me talking about SD, I finally went to go see that boy. Refresher: I hooked up with this guy in January ish, we’ve been talking ever since, I was gonna go down to SD precovid, got cancelled. So he’s been my quarantine chat/flirt friend. Anywayyys. Things started to ease up so I flew to hang with him for the weekend. We ate, cooked, drank, drag race, protested, beached, and of course sex. The thing that I loved best, was how easy it was. We got along well, though we had sex it wasn’t the point of the trip. So yeah, we still text and what not but he’s in SD, Idk how he feels about me. Dating long distance isn’t for me, especially if we start that way. I kinda just have to let it ride and put no pressure on it.

With all that said, do you ever just want to ask the guy you’re talking to, how do you feel about me? For me, I don’t want to come off as desperate and I lose whatever we had complete. But I do want to know if I’m wasting my time even if it’s just flirting friends. I just wish we can delineate The Who’s and what’s we are to each other. 🤷🏻‍♂️😪

3 - it’s probably not the right time but I’m ready to date. I’m ready to fall in love again. I ready to share my life with someone else. I miss it. With this whole Covid thing, it’s making it a lot harder and wayyyy more cautious in meeting people. And Skype dates just seem like a joke. As if dating wasnt hard already. And now we have to do impersonal things like a video chat. It’s sad. Anyways, has anyone else tried it? Has anything actually came to fruition? Loved to hear your thoughts.

As you can guess...I never made my way to San Diego. I keep pushing my flight every two weeks but who knows when this thing is gonna be over.

As I’m sheltering in place, I find myself less interested to go on apps. It’s kinda weird. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s Bc I know I can’t meet these boys IRL until god knows when. Maybe my labido is down. Maybe the stress of it all is effecting me more than I let myself feel.

I think of how much I was on Grindr. How I bought premium Bc I was on it so much. Traveling all over the Bay, logging in every chance I get, hoping to find a new guy to talk to/hook up/date. And now, my frequency is like 2 times a week. Anyone else feeling this way?

Anyways. San Diego boy, we play animal crossing and we text. He’s been my saving grace. He doesn’t know that, but maybe he’s been the reason I’ve been off. Even if this ultimately can lead to nothing, just having someone to chat with, it’s reassuring in times like these.

I bought a flight to go see a boy in San Diego for a weekend. Where did I meet this boy? How long have I known him?

I met him in Grindr. We probably had about 2-3 hours of actual in person time together. So what makes him so special? Why would I waste this kind of money to go see some boy I spent so little time with?

How many of us have met some boy on a random hookup/passing through some town and chat on days and long to see each other? Oh, just me?

Beats me 🤷🏻‍♂️ Maybe I’m tired of being lonely. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m dumb. Maybe he’s the real deal. Maybe it was love at first meet? Maybe I just wanted material for this blog?

Anyways. Typical Grindr meet up. He was in town for work. His hotel was further than I’d like to travel for dick but I was feeling adventurous. He meets me outside and though I know it’s not a compliment, he was wayyy cuter in person. He brings me to the room and we do the dirty. He bangs me whichever which way, he even proposes to bang me on the hotel lounge chair like in porn. He was very complimentive on my average sized body, my large nips, my beard, my ass... he made me feel very special.

We took a break in between to catch some air and to recuperate for round 2. In that short time, we chatted and got to know each other. Where he was in his life reminded me much of my own and that’s when I started to catch feelings. I couldn’t help but to make out with him as you would someone you just can’t get enough of. Break was over and we finished banging of course.

While we laid there, we chatted more about life. I couldn’t help but just find him more and more appealing. We laid there naked, face to face, smiling at each other. He tells me how cute I was and what nice brows I have. He tries to drag his fingers across my makeuped eyebrow and I slap it out of my face and tells him not to mess them up. We decide to get some after sex boba.

Getting ready, I roll up my tshirt sleeve and tuck it in. “Okay rolled up sleeve and tucked in shirt” I know it might sound silly but these little things about my fashion choices are things I appreciate and do for myself. Bc I like the look and it’s just my thing. Most guys hardly notice these things and he noticed.

Boba was cute. I dropped him off back at the hotel. We exchange numbers and insta and part ways.

I get home and text him that I’m disappointed he didn’t ask me to sleep over. He apologized and offered me to come back. It was late and I didn’t want to ruin what litttle magical moments I had that night.

I wanted to leave but I felt selfish leaving you on the day you worked so hard for.

It didn’t really occur to me or maybe I just didn’t care. But idk if I can do this back sliding thing anymore.

As you lectured me over dinner on relationships and how I can do better. How I’m trying to find my career and to do better. And although you say these with good intention, I just couldn’t help but to think, why are we even doing this? I need to do better.

After the dinner talk, your trying to hold my hand in a public place or being all cutesy next to me, started to get on my nerves. You want me to do better in my life yet you toy with my emotions. We were supposed to just fuck and call it a day. And we both know that is never the case.

We eat, we bang, we cuddle, we sleep over, we have breakfast and we part ways. We talk to each other here and there. It feels like a fucked up long distance relationship that is going nowhere.

I feel at a loss with you. There are emotions still there. You do relationshipy things still. Yet you could clearly say over dinner, that I’m not the one for you.

Since my breakup, I found a fwb with a married guy so I get it at least once a week. In addition to the Grindr boys, hooking up with aforementioned Grindr boys, the tinder dates and casual party encounters.

When is too much too much? Do I keep myself busy so I don’t have to think about the emotional part that is associated with sex? Or do I do it to avoid thinking about him? Or am I actually trying to find someone to date amongst the sea of men that I have swam through?

——————————————

I’m sorry I’ve been gone. I’m sorry for saying that too often than not. I thought I found my way and then I lost it again. And now I’m getting my stride back. I’m still having sex, obviously. And I’m still navigating life. I won’t promise posting more in the future but I hope when I do, you all will still be there to read it.

I never even wrote about being in an open.

And now. I won’t have new material bc I’m single AGAIN.

And so it goes on.

I think my blog is going to shift in a slightly different direction. There should still be some hooking up but now that I’m dating....openly dating. As a newbie still trying to figure out what I, He, We want; I’m sure there are others feeling the same way.

Some topics and thoughts I’ll touch upon:

What’s the big deal with open? And why does everyone seem to be in one?

Is it right for me?

If I’m as open as I say I am, why do I feel more closed off?

Can I have a successful sustainable open relationship?

What drives the motivation to be open?

Are we just open to be sluts?

All these questions and more.

I’m also open to suggestions from your own experiences, your own questions, thoughts and feelings.

And as the great Gay Carrie Bradshaw once has been meme’d...