" yeah , let me see your room . why — you embarrassed ? got one direction posters on the ceiling above your bed or something ? " he catches the look on her face , the way her lips push out just enough that he knows exactly what she’s asking for . a quiet laugh leaves him but he obliges , stoops to press a gentle peck to her lips before glancing over his shoulder out the window , his eyes find her father's already watching them , smiling . heat creeps across his cheeks as he turns back to aria , nodding toward the staircase . " come on , nerd . let's go see your room . " the warning he gets when they reach her room leaves him grinning , beyond intrigued to see the space she's kept locked away from him . he wasn't sure what he expected , but still he's surprised . " woah . . . " he comments , strolling leisurely through the room . " . . . it's like a library in here . you weren't kidding when you said you were a dork . . . nothin' wrong with bein' studious , though . " he adds quickly , wants her to know he's not judging . if anything , it's exactly in line with who he knows her to be — intelligent , obsessive , intentional , particular . everything . " s'not messy , " he hums , reassuring . he wishes he had an easier time reading — it comes as naturally to her as breathing , while brooks struggles through the comics . sometimes , somewhere between taking a valium to knock him out and the sweet relief of sleep , he tells himself this is just one of the reasons he can't make a move , that she's the brightest person he knows and he can't even get through an obituary . in short , she's everything , and he's . . . him .
he can't believe he'd overlooked her in high school , had somehow been so distracted with whatever bullshit he'd been up to that he'd missed her right up until partway through college . he’s spent so much time knowing aria as she is now — the woman who effortlessly owns any room she walks into , the woman who challenges him , who calls him out , who slipped past his every defence like he ever stood a chance . but he can’t help wondering what pieces of her existed before him , parts she kept tucked away .
he's barely turned back to her when the sweater is shoved over his head , momentarily disoriented before she kisses him , hands finding her cheeks to hold her there a moment . but the usual intensity with which he kisses her is tempered , in part by the knowledge her father could walk in at any moment , but moreso by the cold dread that has his stomach in a vice . he knows if he confesses how he feels , it's nearly certain she'll feel the same . he knows she doesn't like the limbo he's kept her in , had even asked for space from him because of it . the distance felt to brooks like someone had died , when really he hadn't been able to text his friend for twenty four hours . it'd be the biggest wakeup call of his life . but that's what makes it so hard — there is far too much at stake , and he doesn't trust himself enough to not fuck it up like everyone expects him to .
‘ she’s not going to wait around forever , you know , ’ her father had told him directly . he had known that . . . and it terrified him . more than him letting her in only for her to dislike what she finds , more than losing momentum in his career and amounting to nothing , more than anything . . . he's scared of never finding out . of ' what if ? ' the thought of her falling in love with someone else makes him feel physically ill . the way she looks at him now , so tender and concerned , has brooks feeling like an animal in fight or flight . " yeah — i'm fine , " but there's no heart in it . " just — thinking . "
he's fucking petrified . for a six foot five man who solves eight figure problems with quiet confidence , all smooth words and expensive suits , whose name says more about him than he ever could . . . his kryptonite comes in the form of the girl he's been fumbling for the past few years . perhaps this was news only to him .
" just , your dad said something — " his voice cracks like a pubescent teenager , a sound halfway between a cough and a laugh clearing his throat , has a hard time meeting her eyes " damn . uh — yeah , i don't know . . . he said , like , somethin' about how this whole . . . friends song n' dance isn't going to work long - term . like , you're not gonna sit around waiting for me forever , y'know ? and it made me think about how , like . . . " he huffs a hard sigh , scrubs a hand down his face , backs up to lean against the nearest bookcase flanking the wall and forces his hands into his pockets .
" like , when you went to london ? it made me have to live life without you . that's what i'd feel like if you decide i'm not worth this wishy - washy bullshit anymore and find some other guy to be with . n' just the idea of it pissed me off . no , not pissed off — it terrified me . i was sick torturing myself just thinking about it . " he risks a glance up at her before his gaze returns to the corner of her suitcase on the bed . " and , for the record , i'm not scared of making it official . or choosing you . that's not the problem at all . the problem is that i'm done for . for life . you're it for me , aria , " he chuckles desperately , a tense shrug , " but if we date , and then you realize you don't like what you find . . . and then you leave me ? god , i won't ever recover , honest . and i know you've probably , like , heard rumors and things about me . . . n' some of 'em are true . . . " he knows his reputation around town , haunted by the actions of a boy in his early twenties , all bravado and expensive suits , poor decisions and burned bridges . " there's a laundry list of people who don't like me . for good reason , i guess . i've fucked up a lot . like , done shitty things to people who didn't deserve it because — well , for no good reason . " when did a sweet backyard barbecue turn into him airing his dirty laundry to the person he's the most afraid will judge it ?
" anyway ‚ fuck — sorry this is like , getting weird now . " he laughs uncomfortably , shifts his weight awkwardly . he finally actually looks at her , any shred of confidence gone , his features written with embarrassment , worry , shame . " yeah , guess i'm nervous . i want to be together , the real way . i don't want you to have to keep waiting around for me to get my shit together . you're too important to me . " he wants to say more but suddenly feels his throat constrict , wonders if it's divine interference preventing him from saying too much without getting a gauge on how she feels . he tries to swallow , but the lump in his throat makes it difficult . " but i also don't want to ruin our friendship , 'cause i think you're my best friend . n' i , like . . . " he's so close to saying it , three words on his tongue that simultaneously feel locked in the vault buried deep in his chest . " sorry , i've been rambling . wh — what're you thinking ? "
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