Love & Relationship

By definition, a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner. While a healthy relationship contributes to our self-esteem and emotional energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains energy. A healthy relationship involves mutual caring, respect, and compassion, an interest in our partner’s welfare and growth, an ability to share control and decision-making, in short, a shared desire for each other’s happiness. A healthy relationship is a safe relationship, a relationship where we can be ourselves without fear, a place where we feel comfortable and secure. A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is not a safe place. A toxic relationship is characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, control. We risk our very being by staying in such a relationship. To say a toxic relationship is dysfunctional is, at best, an understatement.

“Keep in mind that it takes two individuals to have a toxic relationship, meaning our own words and actions matter as well.”

Keep in mind that it takes two individuals to have a toxic relationship, meaning our own words and actions matter as well. Initially, we’ll look at the behaviors of the toxic partner, but we must look equally hard at the individual who is the recipient of the toxic behavior. And we must ask, Why? Why does an adult stay in a relationship that will almost inevitably damage him or her emotionally and/or physically? And what, if anything can we do short of leaving that might help mend such a relationship? We’ll examine both these questions later. First, however, let’s examine toxic behaviors and relationships in more detail.

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Let us always meet each other with smile, for the smile is the beginning of love. Mother Teresa

There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love. Bryant H. McGill

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were. Richard Bach

Human relationships are one of the most important experiences we can have in our lives.

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Positive and supportive relationships help us feel healthier, happier, and more satisfied. We will focus on the romantic variety of relationships here and help you become the MVP (#MostValuablePartner), but many of these relationship goals will help you improve your connections in any area of ​​your life.

Setting goals with positive relationships requires you to make daily decisions that put your relationship first and your ego second, just like in most sports - the needs of your team come first. These relationship goals are aimed at helping you make your partner feel like they're your # 1 draft pick hired for a million dollars - put them in the center of your world and championship gold will follow!

Relationship goal 1: respect yourself

The most important relationship tip for men is learning about the value of respect.

Respect for yourself is essential to have healthy relationships. Make sure the relationship you have with yourself is positive! Once it becomes a priority in your life, you'll be in a better place to attract relationships that support you and help you set more goals.

Some quick tips for developing self-respect:

Live every day with pride in who you are and what you do. Surround yourself with great teammates, people who make you feel good. Take time to practice self-care, participating in activities that maintain your physical, mental, and emotional health.

Relationship Goal 2: Respect Your Partner

In a relationship, respect means that both partners value each other and ensure that their words, actions, and behaviors reflect that value. This includes listening to each other, valuing the opinions of others, and treating each other in a thoughtful, considerate, and caring manner.

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Agree on clear boundaries, including what is off-limits, to ensure respect from both sides and make sure you lead from the front! It can help to think of someone you really respect - your favorite player, coach, favorite game winner, leader, or artist - and make sure you treat your partner as well as this person you admire.

Relationship goal 3: become a world-class listener

Practicing good listening can help your relationship by increasing your partner's self-esteem; it is a quiet form of flattery that shows respect and makes people feel "better on the ground."

Being a good listener is much more difficult than it sounds. Most of us think we are good listeners, but we often get stuck thinking about our response rather than actually listening.

Try some active listening techniques to get out of a depression or losing streak, clarifying your understanding before responding and considering what the other person is thinking, feeling, or wanting, not just their words. It can do wonders!

Relationship Goal 4: Be generous with your time and "be there"

Most of us feel like we give our partners time, but how much of that is time with our full attention on them? Don't squeeze the pole: set aside time to focus only on your partner, without distractions, especially when communicating. That means putting down the phone (or tablet, device, TV, game controller). It also means keeping your mind focused on what is happening at the moment, without getting carried away by thoughts of the past or the future. It's like lining up for the game's winning goal - you need to eliminate all distractions and focus on the job at hand to win the game.

Relationship goal 5: learn to accept and celebrate differences

It would be easy if others thought and felt the same way as us, but we are all different (that's part of the fun!) And each brings their own life experiences to a relationship. Truly loving and caring for someone means accepting everyone, the good and the bad: quirks, behavior, flaws, and all. Try to focus on the general feeling that person produces in you and let go of the "little things." It's like respecting your teammates, no matter what role they play - the utility player who makes a difficult defensive save is just as important as the glamorous player who rings the bell or kicks the goal after the siren.

There are many other relationship goals, but these five relationship tips for men are a great start to establishing and maintaining a healthy, positive relationship.

If you can implement them in your daily interactions with your partner, you are well on your way to MVP status!

Ensure that the relationship you have with yourself is a positive one.

Accept and celebrate the fact that we are all different.

Actively listen to hear what other people have to say.

Give people time and “be present” when you are with them.

Develop and work on your communication skills.

Manage mobile technology and be aware of its pitfalls.

Learn to give and take constructive feedback.

Open your heart and find the courage to trust.

Learn to be more understanding and empathetic.

Treat people as you would like to be treated yourself

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1. Accept and celebrate differences. One of the biggest challenges we experience in relationships is that we are all different. We can perceive the world in many ways. Certainly an obstacle we encounter when trying to build relationships is the desire or expectation that people will think like us, and in this way it is much easier to create a relationship. We feel more comfortable when we feel that people "understand" us and can see our point of view. Life, however, would be very boring if we were all equal, and although it would be easier for us at first, the novelty of equality would soon wear off. So accepting and celebrating that we are all different is a great starting point.

2. Listen effectively. Listening is a crucial skill for increasing someone else's self-esteem, the quiet form of flattery that makes people feel supported and valued. Listening and understanding what others communicate to us is the most important part of a successful interaction and vice versa.

Active or reflective listening is the most useful and important listening skill. In active listening, we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting, or what the message means, and we are active in checking our understanding before responding with our own new message. We reaffirm or paraphrase our understanding of your message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This process of verification or feedback is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.

3. Give people your time. Giving people time is also a great gift. In a world where time is of the essence and we are trying to fit into more than one life, we don't always have time to give to loved ones, friends, and coworkers. Technology has somewhat eroded our ability to build a real relationship and we try to multitask by texting and talking at the same time.

Being present in the time you give to people is also important, so when you are with someone, you are truly with someone and you are not living in the past or worrying about the future. The connection we make with other people is the touchstone of our existence, and dedicating time, energy and effort to developing and building relationships is one of the most valuable life skills.

4. Develop your communication skills. Communication happens when someone understands you, not just when you speak. One of the greatest dangers of communication is that we can work assuming that the other person has understood the message that we are trying to convey.

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Poor communication in the workplace can lead to a culture of stabbing and blaming in the back, which, in turn, can affect our stress levels, especially when we don't understand something or feel like we've been misled. It can also have a positive effect on morale when it works well and motivates people to want to go to work and do great work.

5. Manage mobile technology. By now, almost everyone has a mobile phone, and many people have two or more. While they are a lifesaver in an emergency and an effective tool for communication, they can also be a total distraction when people display a lack of etiquette on the mobile phone.

6. Learn to give and receive feedback. Feedback, in my opinion, is the food of progress, and while it doesn't always taste good, it can be very good for you. The ability to provide constructive feedback to others helps them harness their personal potential and can help forge positive and mutually beneficial relationships. From your own personal perspective, any feedback you receive is free information and you can choose whether or not to take it into account. It can help you tap into your blind spot and gain a different perspective.

7. Learn to trust more. A long time ago, my brother and I had a philosophical debate about what was more important in a relationship: love, trust, or passion. I was much younger and naive then, and was caught up in the heady rollercoaster of sensation seeking. However, I have come to understand that trust is very important in any relationship. Years later, I bought my brother a photograph of a little girl smiling and looking confidently at the camera with an elephant's foot just above her head. The caption read: "Trust is more important than love." I think that feeling is true because no love will last without the same amount of respect and trust.

8. Develop empathy. There is a great expression that I learned a long time ago: "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Empathy and understanding create connections between people. It is a state of perception and relationship with the feelings and needs of another person without blaming, giving advice or trying to fix the situation. Empathy also means "reading" the inner state of another person and interpreting it in a way that helps the other person and offers support and develops mutual trust.

Every relationship we have can teach us something and, by building positive relationships with others, we will be happier and more fulfilled and we will feel more supported, caring and connected.

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All strong relationships have three things in common, according to Meredith Hansen, Psy.D, a psychologist and relationship expert: trust, commitment, and vulnerability.

"Trust lets a couple know that their partner is there for them, that they really care about them, come from a good place and support them," she said.

It means keeping your word and putting your relationship first, especially when faced with a decision that could compromise it, he said.

A small example of compliance is calling your spouse to tell them that they are safe if they worry when they are late, she said. And it means "showing good character," he said.

Compromise means "We're in this together, whatever happens," Hansen said. As a couple, they work to find a solution, not to walk away, he said. Building a commitment also happens on your part. Hansen suggested participating in activities that connect you to your commitment every day.

For example, keep a playlist in the car that reminds you of your significant other, and schedule date nights regularly, he said. If you're married, have a playlist that will remind you of your wedding, frame your vows to remind you of your promises, discuss your growth as a couple on anniversaries, watch your wedding video and review your photos, he said.

"Vulnerability is about taking the risk of being your real, genuine self [with your partner]," Hansen said. For example, being vulnerable includes sharing your feelings, not your thoughts, he said. Instead of saying "I feel like you did this on purpose" or "You don't seem to love me anymore," you explain, "I feel hurt, disappointed, worried or scared," he said.

"Vulnerability requires trust and security in the relationship, but if you can really make the effort to reveal your softer side, then you will continue to grow closer as a couple," Hansen said.

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What doesn't work

People think that strong relationships require communication training, Hansen said. While communication is important, it is not of much help if trust is broken, a partner is emotionally distant, or a partner is unsure about staying in the relationship, he said.

Communication actually improves naturally, according to Hansen, after couples begin to reconnect and stop fighting back. In fact, her first goal with couples clients is to help them strengthen their connection and feel emotionally secure, she said.

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Nurturing your bond daily

Relationships require "small amounts of effort every day to nurture the bond between the two of you," Hansen said. For example, she suggested a variety of ways to strengthen your bond, including: kissing daily; send sweet text messages; unplugging during dinner; walk together, touch frequently; listening often; ask your partner about their big reunion, their happiness, goals and dreams; make love; making eye contact; sharing your feelings and putting your partner first.

It's also important to be able to pay attention and acknowledge the effect your fears and insecurities have on your relationship, she said.

The relationships in your life can take your business to new levels of success, or they can make you want to give up entrepreneurship completely. Often times we struggle in our business and in different areas of our lives, not making a connection with what's going on with the relationships in our lives. We are overlooking for a problem that is right before us.

Each of the many different types of relationships in our life affects the level of success of our business. To create success, you must understand these relationships and learn to deal with situations that can later become a roadblock. Here are the four main types of relationships that can positively or negatively impact your business.

1. Romantic relationships.

This may not be the most important type of relationship as it pertains to your business, but it is one that has the greatest impact on your attitude and mindset. Each of us longs to spend our lives with someone we love and love is a feeling that you can lead through an emotional gamble.

It's important to choose a romantic partner who understands and understands what it means to be with an entrepreneur. The life of an entrepreneur is not for everyone and has broken a number of relationships along the way. If you're with someone who doesn't understand, their attitude can affect how much time you spend in your company and how you come across mentally, physically and emotionally to your customers.

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2. Friendships.

Good friends support you and help you achieve your goals. Bad friends try to drag you to their level. They can't see beyond their situation, so they make a generalization and assume it's the same for everyone. You have probably heard many quotes about how the people you hang out with can affect your life.

Your goal as an entrepreneur should be to surround yourself with people who are taking steps in their lives. They work hard to get ahead and connect with other like-minded entrepreneurs. These are the types of friends who help grow your business.

3. Business partnerships.

Dave Ramsey is known for saying, "The only ship that doesn't sail is a partnership." He is a staunch advocate of not entering into a business partnership as they are very difficult to maintain. I don't know if Dave Ramsey is right, but any type of partnership requires constant work, honesty, communication, and many other factors to make it work.

Like your friends, you have to be very strategic and patient when building partnerships. There will be many opportunities that seem right for your business but can hurt you. You have to research the person - even if you know them. You need to get clarity long before entering into a business partnership - especially legally. Choose wisely as your business may depend on it.

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4. Fans, followers and clients.

The latter type of relationship is one that will grow over time, but is still important. As you create value in your market, word of mouth will come into play and your business will grow. As you create more value and help people solve their biggest problems, your business grows. The people in your world will look up to you and watch what you do. This is good and bad.

One of the biggest issues you will face is time. Your fans / followers / customers will want more time to answer their questions or just pick your brain. Time is the only resource you cannot recreate, so you will be forced to say NO more than you have done before in your life. You do this at the risk of upsetting some, but the reality is, you can't please everyone. The key in these types of relationships is to stay in control. This is your life and business.

There are many different types of relationships in your life. The key is to understand them and avoid them negatively affecting your business. For every negative scenario I mentioned, the positive could be true. Your relationships can help you grow and focus on what will help the success of your business. You are the one who determines what effect they have. Be smart about your choices

The five stages of a relationship are the Merge, Doubt and Denial, Disillusionment, the Decision, and Wholehearted Love. Every single relationship moves through these five stages—though not only once. Think of these stages not as steppingstones to a final outcome but rather as a series of seasons that we move through in an eternal cycle.

What is the golden rule in relationships?

The stages of a relationship are cyclical, not linear.

We often think all intimate relationships reliably progress from the initial meet-cute to giddy infatuation, to a series of small trials and tribulations, and finally to a blissful state of happily-ever-after. It's a satisfying narrative we see all the time in the movies, TV, and music. In reality, love is a journey without a final destination. We shouldn't expect that at some point in our relationship, we'll look back at the obstacles we overcame and say, "Well, that's it! We're here! We made it!" Because beyond wherever you are now, another hurdle awaits.

In other words, the stages of a relationship are not linear but cyclical. Even people who reach the fifth and final stage of a relationship—Wholehearted Love—will eventually find themselves looping back to Stage 1 to start the process all over again. But they can always find their way back.

This Love Cycles model is drawn from my experience as a couples therapist for the last three decades, studying couples at all stages of a relationship and identifying common patterns. Here's everything you need to know about the five stages of a relationship and what skills couples need to weather each stage.

Stage 1: The Merge

The first stage of a relationship is the Merge, aka the honeymoon stage. It's the initial, sweeping romance that often consumes a couple when they first get together, including an all-consuming joy in the presence of our partner and insatiable, passionate sex. Often people in this stage of a relationship will feel as if they've found their "perfect match," someone who is so eerily similar and compatible with them. They feel they always want to be together, and boundaries often melt away. The two seem to merge together, or at least feel eager to do so.

These emotions often drown out the rational part of our brain. Indeed, research tells us this first stage is marked by biochemical changes in our brain—a cocktail of hormones that trigger and maintain a state of infatuation, such as dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. This brain glow can often lead us to become "addicted" to our partners and to ignore incompatibilities, red flags, or other issues.

What is the golden rule in relationships?

What to do in this relationship stage.

Enjoy this stage to the fullest—this is the stuff that makes dating so delightful and intriguing. At the same time, be aware of your heightened emotions. Take time to step back and observe your emotions and your relationship, and actively question whether this person really is the best match for you. Get candid advice from friends who can make sure you're not missing any truly worrisome red flags while under this biochemical love potion.

Go slow with making any big decisions, too—the Merge can fog your vision and make you want to dive into situations that might not actually be wise or healthy for you in the long run. In general, don't make decisions because you're "so in love"—because that's a temporary feeling of infatuation that will eventually fade.

Stage 2: Doubt and Denial

The second stage of a relationship is Doubt and Denial, in which we finally start to actually notice the differences between us and our partners. We wake up from the trance of infatuation with a thump, finding that the same qualities that once seemed so perfect have begun to annoy us. (His reliability now feels rigid; her generosity seems irresponsible; their adventurous nature feels like unnecessary risk.)

And unfortunately, friction is natural once we run up against each other's differences. Power struggles increase, and we marvel at the change in our partner. Feelings of love mix with alienation and irritation. Perhaps we're not "perfect" for each other after all.

As our disappointment escalates, so do our biological responses to stress. Depending on our personality and circumstances, we may want to fight or to withdraw. For example, you may feel the need to fight to defend your values, which may actually translate into the desire to have everything your own way. It makes little sense to expect another person to be just like we are, and yet, at some level, many of us do tend to ask, "Why aren't you like me?"

What is the golden rule in relationships?

What to do in this relationship stage.

At this point, the skills of conflict management are essential. Learn how to deescalate conflicts and face relationship problems head-on, and treating each other with care and respect. Remember that power struggles and arguments are normal parts of a relationship; they're not necessarily a sign that love is ending or that the relationship isn't working. You'll need to learn to identify the difference between healthy disagreement and unhealthy control issues; the former can be worked through, while the latter may be a sign you should break up.

Because this is the stage where you're starting to recognize your differences, this second stage of a relationship is also a good time to learn your love languages. There are five love languages, and it's important for each person to know how their partner wants to receive love.

Stage 3: Disillusionment

The third stage of a relationship is the Disillusionment stage. This is the winter season of love, one that may feel like the end of the road for some couples. At this point, the power struggles in the relationship have come fully to the surface; the issues the couple have consistently shoved under the rug are now glaringly obvious. Some people become perpetually vigilant, ready to fly into battle at the slightest provocation. Other couples might quietly move apart over time, putting less and less energy into maintaining the relationship and investing more outside of it.

At this juncture, our original experience of passionate love is often a distant memory. The "I" reemerges, a state that feels a lot safer than our former blissful experience of "we." Nevertheless, some couples may not question their commitment; instead, they may see this as a strong message that things need to change.

What to do in this relationship stage.

Clear the air and create space. Stop pushing problems under the rug and avoiding issues; as tiring as the repetitive arguments may feel, pushing them under the rug just leaves a lumpy carpet with much to trip over.

There may be a lot of negative energy in the relationship at this stage. To offset this, practice showing affection even when upset. Can you feel angry and be aware that something isn't working that you need to talk about—but still go to dinner and a movie together?

During the Merge, the brain notices only the positive and avoids anything that challenges that view. In the Disillusionment stage, the brain is zeroing in on all the relationship's deficiencies. The things that are going right are ignored; the things going wrong get all our attention. Try to offset that process with an intentional gratitude practice.

Stage 4: Decision

The fourth stage of a relationship is called the Decision because you're at a breaking point. Emotional breakdowns, leaving the house for hours to get away from each other after a fight, and self-protective behaviors are all commonplace. So, too, is indifference and remoteness.

You know you're here when you begin to seriously contemplate leaving and even make plans for exiting the relationship. You may feel ready for an enticing new beginning with a new person.

In this stage, we make a decision—whether that's to leave, to stay and do nothing despite how miserable we are, or to stay and actually work on fixing this relationship.

What to do in this relationship stage.

When I see couples at this stage, I always encourage them to consider taking a new path, which is to decide to do some work before making a choice about the relationship. Many times, couples feel they want out of the relationship, but when they learn the skills to communicate effectively, years of resentment or estrangement can fade away.

Doing the work involves understanding your own role in your relationship's deterioration and committing to real change. If we make this last choice, we can learn the lessons that will help us become the best people we can be as we give our relationship the chance to grow and deepen.

Even if couples do make the choice to part ways, they can often do so in a constructive way, wishing one another well and understanding their own part in what happened.

Stage 5: Wholehearted Love

The fifth stage of a relationship is Wholehearted Love—when our relationship is at its healthiest and most rewarding. It's love's summertime, when the fruits of a couple's labors are fully ripe and ready to be savored. Couples experience true individuation, self-discovery, and the acceptance of imperfection in both themselves and their partners, recognizing there is no such thing as a "perfect match."

There's hard work still involved in this fifth stage of a relationship, but the difference is that couples know how to listen well and lean into uncomfortable conversations without feeling threatened or attacking one another.

In this stage, couples also begin to play together again. They can laugh, relax, and deeply enjoy each other. They even can experience some of the thrilling passion, joys, and sex of the Merge as each person rediscovers themselves in ways that let them fall in love with each other all over again.

What to do in this relationship stage.

Nourish yourself. The Wholehearted Love stage is fueled by the qualities of two wholehearted people: generosity, humor, flexibility, resilience, good boundaries, self-care, and a life with meaning and purpose. Couples are able to stay in this stage as long as they're able to continually sustain their own wholeness as individuals, so make self-care and self-growth continual goals.

Know that there will be new challenges waiting somewhere in the distance but that you can be well-equipped to deal with them when they come. In the meantime, relish the journey.

What is the golden rule in relationships?

Writer

Expert advice on getting to know yourself and potential partners.

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Forget “The Rules." Stop believing “He’s just not into you." In fact, skip all the self-help confusion that instructs you on how to morph yourself into the perfect match for Mr. (or Ms.) Right.

People who are genuinely happy with their romantic choices spend more energy working on their own self-development than on appearing a certain way to attract love. Instead of focusing on playing the game to entice a partner, put your focus on these five principles and, over time, the right match for you will present itself:

1. Understand yourself, sexually and emotionally. If you have not done the work of understanding yourself emotionally and sexually, you will likely enter romantic relationships from an emotionally dependent place. You may have the unrealistic hope that someone else will know how to understand you and make you happy—even when you yourself may not know. Directly communicating to your partners about your emotions and your sexual side is important; hoping others will intuitively perceive who you are emotionally and what you need sexually is a fantasy. Make a conscious effort to become aware of your ongoing emotional reactions to the people and events in your life. Observe and label your emotional reactions. Reflect on your feelings and talk with people about how you feel or what you are noticing about yourself, without expecting them to put you back together again.

2. Believe what people show and say about themselves. It is common when attracted to someone to want to rationalize their poor behavior. If someone treats you with disrespect or chronically lets you down, take this as data about whom he or she is as a person. If you try to talk with someone and he or she dismisses you or rationalizes mistreatment of you, take this seriously; this may not be a suitable match. If a man says he is not looking for “anything serious” or he needs a lot of “space,” let him go. This person is not in the same place you are and may not want the same things you want. Believe what people communicate about themselves. If they are acting immaturely or disrespectfully, or saying things that hurt you, move on. It is not your job to show someone a better way; it is your job to work on growing as a person.

3. Avoid "sextimacy." As I describe in Getting Close to Others - 5 Steps, sextimacy is a cycle of working to achieve emotional intimacy through hastened sex. If you are hoping that a sexual relationship will eventually lead to a more emotionally intimate or committed relationship, cease and desist: Research shows relationships that start with sex before emotional intimacy is present typically do not become committed unions. You will spend your time hoping and working to get someone to change or "step up to the plate" when you could be putting your energy into growing as a person and finding someone who likes the person you have become.

How to Build a Healthy And Good Relationship...

4. Separate psychologically from your parents. This is no easy task and many think they have done so when, in reality, they have not. As an adult, if you continue to allow your parents to meet all of your emotional needs then you siphon off some of the energy that needs to go into your romantic attachments. As much as possible, little by little, work to be independent of your parents. This does not mean you can’t enjoy their company, spend time with them, and share what you wish with them about your life. It does mean: Work to become comfortable making your own decisions. Excessively asking for their opinion, reassurance, or guidance, or allowing them to control your life means you are not living for yourself. And if you allow your parents to continually do the heavy lifting for you, then you will not be a whole person when the right match presents itself. Entering into a romantic relationship believing that the person is going to take care of you in the way your parents have can turn a healthy match into a toxic one. You have to be in control of your own life, self-aware of your goals, needs and emotions.

5. Put yourself in new situations. A popular idea holds that in order to find the right partner one must first work alone on self-improvement—"I just need to do me for a while." In my experience, when women do this, they put themselves in arbitrary exile, where they feel sad and out of touch. With such a vague goal of "working on myself," enlightenment eludes and isolation compounds the misery. Work on yourself through developing greater emotional and sexual self-awareness. At the same time, you need new relationships with romantic partners and friends to truly know yourself. Each dating experience provides you with in-the-moment information about your preferences, weaknesses and strengths. If you continue to think and do the same things that you have always thought and experienced, you will remain stuck. Your brain has an extraordinary ability to adapt and grow—if you allow it. For the brain to grow you have to give it new stimulation and new experiences that challenge you on some level. Perhaps there are things that you like or have wanted to try but have been afraid to do so. As long as they reflect your genuine interest, work through the anxiety and put yourself in novel situations where you may meet different kinds of people and experience other aspects of your personality.

Want to feel loved and connected to your partner? Learn how to build and keep a romantic relationship that’s healthy, happy, and satisfying.

Building a healthy relationship

All romantic relationships go through ups and downs and they all take work, commitment, and a willingness to adapt and change with your partner. But whether your relationship is just starting out or you’ve been together for years, there are steps you can take to build a healthy relationship. Even if you’ve experienced a lot of failed relationships in the past or struggled before to rekindle the fires of romance in your current relationship, you can learn to stay connected, find fulfillment, and enjoy lasting happiness.

What makes a healthy relationship?

Every relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. Part of what defines a healthy relationship is sharing a common goal for exactly what you want the relationship to be and where you want it to go. And that’s something you’ll only know by talking deeply and honestly with your partner. However, there are also some characteristics that most healthy relationships have in common. Knowing these basic principles can help keep your relationship meaningful, fulfilling and exciting whatever goals you’re working towards or challenges you’re facing together.

You maintain a meaningful emotional connection with each other. You each make the other feel loved and emotionally fulfilled. There’s a difference between being loved and feeling loved. When you feel loved, it makes you feel accepted and valued by your partner, like someone truly gets you. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without the partners truly relating to each other emotionally. While the union may seem stable on the surface, a lack of ongoing involvement and emotional connection serves only to add distance between two people.

You’re not afraid of (respectful) disagreement. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to feel safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation, or insisting on being right.

You keep outside relationships and interests alive. Despite the claims of romantic fiction or movies, no one person can meet all of your needs. In fact, expecting too much from your partner can put unhealthy pressure on a relationship. To stimulate and enrich your romantic relationship, it’s important to sustain your own identity outside of the relationship, preserve connections with family and friends, and maintain your hobbies and interests.

You communicate openly and honestly. Good communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people know what they want from the relationship and feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, it can increase trust and strengthen the bond between you.

Falling in love vs. staying in love

For most people, falling in love usually seems to just happen. It’s staying in love—or preserving that “falling in love” experience—that requires commitment and work. Given its rewards, though, it’s well worth the effort. A healthy, secure romantic relationship can serve as an ongoing source of support and happiness in your life, through good times and bad, strengthening all aspects of your wellbeing. By taking steps now to preserve or rekindle your falling in love experience, you can build a meaningful relationship that lasts—even for a lifetime.

Many couples focus on their relationship only when there are specific, unavoidable problems to overcome. Once the problems have been resolved they often switch their attention back to their careers, kids, or other interests. However, romantic relationships require ongoing attention and commitment for love to flourish. As long as the health of a romantic relationship remains important to you, it is going to require your attention and effort. And identifying and fixing a small problem in your relationship now can often help prevent it from growing into a much larger one down road. The following tips can help you to preserve that falling in love experience and keep your romantic relationship healthy.

Building a Healthy And Good Relationship...

Tip 1: Spend quality time face to face

You fall in love looking at and listening to each other. If you continue to look and listen in the same attentive ways, you can sustain the falling in love experience over the long term. You probably have fond memories of when you were first dating your loved one. Everything seemed new and exciting, and you likely spent hours just chatting together or coming up with new, exciting things to try. However, as time goes by, the demands of work, family, other obligations, and the need we all have for time to ourselves can make it harder to find time together.

Many couples find that the face-to-face contact of their early dating days is gradually replaced by hurried texts, emails, and instant messages. While digital communication is great for some purposes, it doesn’t positively impact your brain and nervous system in the same way as face-to-face communication. Sending a text or a voice message to your partner saying “I love you” is great, but if you rarely look at them or have the time to sit down together, they’ll still feel you don’t understand or appreciate them. And you’ll become more distanced or disconnected as a couple. The emotional cues you both need to feel loved can only be conveyed in person, so no matter how busy life gets, it’s important to carve out time to spend together.

Commit to spending some quality time together on a regular basis. No matter how busy you are, take a few minutes each day to put aside your electronic devices, stop thinking about other things, and really focus on and connect with your partner.

Find something that you enjoy doing together, whether it is a shared hobby, dance class, daily walk, or sitting over a cup of coffee in the morning.

Try something new together. Doing new things together can be a fun way to connect and keep things interesting. It can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or going on a day trip to a place you’ve never been before.

Focus on having fun together. Couples are often more fun and playful in the early stages of a relationship. However, this playful attitude can sometimes be forgotten as life challenges start getting in the way or old resentments start building up. Keeping a sense of humor can actually help you get through tough times, reduce stress and work through issues more easily. Think about playful ways to surprise your partner, like bringing flowers home or unexpectedly booking a table at their favorite restaurant. Playing with pets or small children can also help you reconnect with your playful side.

Tip 2: Stay connected through communication

Good Communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When you experience a positive emotional connection with your partner, you feel safe and happy. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out the disconnect. It may sound simplistic, but as long as you are communicating, you can usually work through whatever problems you’re facing.

Tell your partner what you need, don’t make them guess.

It’s not always easy to talk about what you need. For one, many of us don’t spend enough time thinking about what’s really important to us in a relationship. And even if you do know what you need, talking about it can make you feel vulnerable, embarrassed, or even ashamed. But look at it from your partner’s point of view. Providing comfort and understanding to someone you love is a pleasure, not a burden.

If you’ve known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, your partner is not a mind-reader. While your partner may have some idea, it is much healthier to express your needs directly to avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense something, but it might not be what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, for example, may be very different now. So instead of letting resentment, misunderstanding, or anger grow when your partner continually gets it wrong, get in the habit of telling them exactly what you need.

Take note of your partner’s nonverbal cues

So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues, which include eye contact, tone of voice, posture, and gestures such as leaning forward, crossing your arms, or touching someone’s hand, communicate much more than words. When you can pick up on your partner’s nonverbal cues or “body language,” you’ll be able to tell how they really feel and be able to respond accordingly. For a relationship to work well, each person has to understand their own and their partner’s nonverbal cues. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours. For example, one person might find a hug after a stressful day a loving mode of communication—while another might just want to take a walk together or sit and chat.

It’s also important to make sure that what you say matches your body language. If you say “I’m fine,” but you clench your teeth and look away, then your body is clearly signaling you are anything but “fine.”

When you experience positive emotional cues from your partner, you feel loved and happy, and when you send positive emotional cues, your partner feels the same. When you stop taking an interest in your own or your partner’s emotions, you’ll damage the connection between you and your ability to communicate will suffer, especially during stressful times.

Be a good listener

While a great deal of emphasis in our society is put on talking, if you can learn to listen in a way that makes another person feel valued and understood, you can build a deeper, stronger connection between you. There’s a big difference between listening in this way and simply hearing. When you really listen—when you’re engaged with what’s being said—you’ll hear the subtle intonations in your partner’s voice that tells you how they’re really feeling and the emotions they’re trying to communicate. Being a good listener doesn’t mean you have to agree with your partner or change your mind. But it will help you find common points of view that can help you to resolve conflict.

Tip 3: Keep physical intimacy alive

Touch is a fundamental part of human existence. Studies on infants have shown the importance of regular, affectionate contact for brain development. And the benefits don’t end in childhood. Affectionate contact boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences bonding and attachment.

While sex is often a cornerstone of a committed relationship, it shouldn’t be the only method of physical intimacy. Frequent, affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, kissing—is equally important.

Of course, it’s important to be sensitive to what your partner likes. Unwanted touching or inappropriate overtures can make the other person tense up and retreat—exactly what you don’t want. As with so many other aspects of a healthy relationship, this can come down to how well you communicate your needs and intentions with your partner.

Even if you have pressing workloads or young children to worry about, you can help to keep physical intimacy alive by carving out some regular couple time, whether that’s in the form of a date night or simply an hour at the end of the day when you can sit and talk or hold hands.

Tip 4: Learn to give and take in your relationship

If you expect to get what you want 100% of the time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are built on compromise. However, it takes work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.

Recognize what’s important to your partner

Knowing what is truly important to your partner can go a long way towards building goodwill and an atmosphere of compromise. On the flip side, it’s also important for your partner to recognize your wants and for you to state them clearly. Constantly giving to others at the expense of your own needs will only build resentment and anger.

Don’t make “winning” your goal

If you approach your partner with the attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach a compromise. Sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met while younger, or it could be years of accumulated resentment in the relationship reaching a boiling point. It’s alright to have strong convictions about something, but your partner deserves to be heard as well. Be respectful of the other person and their viewpoint.

Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to keep a relationship strong, both people need to feel they’ve been heard. The goal is not to win but to maintain and strengthen the relationship.

Make sure you are fighting fair. Keep the focus on the issue at hand and respect the other person. Don’t start arguments over things that cannot be changed.

Don’t attack someone directly but use “I” statements to communicate how you feel. For example, instead of saying, “You make me feel bad” try “I feel bad when you do that”.

Don’t drag old arguments into the mix. Rather than looking to past conflicts or grudges and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.

Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive others.

If tempers flare, take a break. Take a few minutes to relieve stress and calm down before you say or do something you’ll regret. Always remember that you’re arguing with the person you love.

Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

Tip 5: Be prepared for ups and downs

It’s important to recognize that there are ups and downs in every relationship. You won’t always be on the same page. Sometimes one partner may be struggling with an issue that stresses them, such as the death of a close family member. Other events, like job loss or severe health problems, can affect both partners and make it difficult to relate to each other. You might have different ideas of managing finances or raising children. Different people cope with stress differently, and misunderstandings can rapidly turn to frustration and anger.

Don’t take out your problems on your partner. Life stresses can make us short tempered. If you are coping with a lot of stress, it might seem easier to vent with your partner, and even feel safer to snap at them. Fighting like this might initially feel like a release, but it slowly poisons your relationship. Find other healthier ways to manage your stress, anger, and frustration.

Trying to force a solution can cause even more problems. Every person works through problems and issues in their own way. Remember that you’re a team. Continuing to move forward together can get you through the rough spots.

Look back to the early stages of your relationship. Share the moments that brought the two of you together, examine the point at which you began to drift apart, and resolve how you can work together to rekindle that falling in love experience.

Be open to change. Change is inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always taking place in any relationship, and it allows you to grow together through both the good times and the bad.

If you need outside help for your relationship, reach out together. Sometimes problems in a relationship can seem too complex or overwhelming for you to handle as a couple. Couples therapy or talking together with a trusted friend or religious figure can help.