Lots of Planets Have a Death Star

It's been a minute, and, in a bit of a plot twist, I'm not here bc it's been a Rough Day™ (I haven't had one of those in a bit, knocking on all the wood that I didn't just jinx that). Instead, I'm here to muse about *changes*, but not in the normal sense, I guess?

So I do A LOT of things by myself. Straight facts, no bias. There's really no other option when you're single and most of your friends are living elsewhere and/or in relationships and/or also do shift work that makes their schedules weird and somewhat unpredictable and may also be somewhat age incompatible for hanging out. That's not the issue here. I actually encourage everyone to do things on their own bc it's such a great way for you to learn about yourself and grow and be comfortable with yourself. I can remember the first time I went out to eat by myself (bc the place didn't have online ordering or to-go options), and it was weird for a little bit, but it went away pretty fast and I got real comfortable doing a lot more things on my own - movies, theme parks, etc. There are so many benefits to doing these things on your own, although you could argue that they could mostly be boiled down to various flavors of freedom, but still. I'm usually okay with this situation bc I enjoy the freedom to make whatever choices I want and do things exactly how I want to do them.

The other night, I was doing a solo night at HHN with the goal of hitting each house twice (I ALMOST made it too, but there were more people than normal bc of Hurricane Milton and I decided to eat at the Leaky Cauldron instead of from a food booth, so I missed it by one run, but it was Insidious, so I'm not that upset), a plan which really only works if you're by yourself bc that's a looooong night (I did over 10 miles) and a metric buttload of standing in lines (I got through so many episodes of my podcast, it was great), and I also don't really do things like bathroom breaks, so... All this to say that this particular event is something that works for how I usually do things by myself (when we go in a week with my sister for her one trip, this is absolutely not how I will be approaching the night, just for clarity), and I definitely got some sense of satisfaction for keeping going until the end of the night and basically hitting my goal (again, Insidious and I are not besties).

However...

I was in line for... I wanna say Triplets of Terror? I'd gotten my one allowed drink of the night (Soured Sunshine, an absolute gem of a bourbon drink that I wanna try making with orange liqueur instead of orange Fanta), which I usually try to get before getting in line for Insidious bc that house is so much more manageable with a slight buzz than straight sober, but I had deviated from my projected lineup earlier in the night when Insidious was posted lower than the three other houses I hadn't done yet and I knew I should jump on it then which left me literally no time to go all the way across the park to get my drink and come back.

So I'm standing in this line by myself, sipping my drink, and idk what it was exactly but the drink hit differently than the other times I've had it, and I started getting Emotional™.

I have friends who are coming down for a visit this weekend into early next week with their baby for their first trip down here since before the baby was born, and we're planning to meet up at some point during their stay. I really cherish these guys, and I'm genuinely excited to see them and meet their baby, like I want to try to get a haircut before they get here (I would've had one already if not for Milton messing everything up) and I want to make sure I'm dressed well bc of that one meme of the guy who dressed in a suit to meet his baby niece in the hospital bc "first impressions matter", and all of a sudden, I'm tearing up in line, and I'm thinking "if anybody notices me rn they're gonna think I'm scared of going in this house by myself", which is both untrue and also would never happen bc everyone around me was part of a group.

Immediately after this, I get hit with this massive wave of feelings that boil down to "I want to be with someone", in every way that statement can be interpreted.

All around me are groups of people playing the Official Pastime of HHN Lines, Heads Up, they're talking, laughing, standing around on their phones but still obviously in a group. This part doesn't needle me as much, as I've done HHN several times this year and in the past with other people, and it's got its ups and downs for sure. But the group in front of me was made up of three couples, and it was like a switch flipped between my brain and my heart and all of a sudden, I was filled with a deep well of longing for something I've yet to have - a person.

At that moment, all I wanted was someone to be there with me, to hold my hand, to lean on, to talk to about absolutely nothing, to kiss me.

I've had what could be termed as a long-ass dry spell, and I'll be very honest that it's 95% self-inflicted. I very rarely find myself wanting to kiss someone else, and if I do, it's more a passing thought that sort of wafts into my head and dissipates nearly as quickly. But then, in that line...

I should add that the last time I had these kinds of urges, it was after several tequila lemons at my friends' wedding (I'm not to be trusted in New York with substances of any kind around guys who show the slightest interest in me...). So maybe it was connected to the fact that I'd been texting with my friend before all this went down. But still, I was standing in line and thinking that if a guy, for whatever insane reason, decided to talk to me and made any kind of hint, that I'd be echoing Chappell Roan (in a PG-13 max kind of way).

Obviously, and probably thankfully, this did not happen. A man did talk to me in a line later, but it was several hours after these feelings had left and he felt a little too old for anything but a short chat on if I had done Major Sweets before (yes), if it was scary (no), and what the best houses were (I panicked and said either Major Sweets or Slaughter Sinema 2, but for me it's honestly anything that's not Insidious, AQP, or Monsters (sry bby, you're just not that great this year)).

I've had times before where I want to be with someone, but they're usually fairly short-lived. I'm not in a place where I feel like I can start any kind of meaningful romantic relationship, and I'll admit that most of the reasons are me-problems - I'm not where I thought I'd be, I still work an hourly job at a theme park, I'm an older second-degree seeking student, I live at home still (mostly no ragrets on that one though, no rent is so sweet). But having entered a new decade of age this year, I think my usual attitude and thought processes are entering a new era of their own. I know that I'm not old, but I'm not super young anymore either. Time is moving forward, and things won't stay put just because I may not feel or think I'm ready for them yet.

While under that tipsy feeling, I decided to text my friend and tell her basically exactly what was happening (the bare bones of it, that I was so excited to see them and meet the baby that it was making me almost cry, not the other stuff), and I don't regret that for a second, because her response was heartwarming and it's giving me a lot to look forward to later this week.

I'm hoping that sometime soon I'll be standing in a line for a house with someone who wants to be there with me as much as I want to be there with them, and that maybe they'll hold my hand (if it's not too hot and humid) in line and walk behind me through the house and maybe hold my shoulders until we're out the other side and talk and laugh and whatever else may happen. It's very much not likely to happen, but the power of dreams isn't just that they give you something to hope for, it's that they have the staying power to keep you hoping, and hopefully moving, to make them real.

Some backstory: I do a Goodreads challenge every year and it's always for 100 books. This year, however, I did not read a book basically from mid-September until sometime in November bc I truly did not have time between school, work, and HHN. However, I have a massive curated TBR that I use to request books from the local library/request that the local library buy specific books and deliver them to my house, which I sometimes do weeks/months in advance of those books being released, which is a long-winded way of saying that I still had books being delivered to my house on a weekly (at minimum) basis. So it got to be the second week of December and I needed to read something like 15 books to hit my goal (which I did, and I even got in an extra for 101 total for the year), so I'm speeding through these books as fast as I can, which is fairly easy due to the type of book I usually read (YA romance or thriller with the occasional adult fiction or nonfiction thrown in the mix). However, there was one YA historical fiction that was so well written, especially with how the author handled the romance plot, that it had me *feeling* things (nothing dirty, you pervs). The longing, the denial, the little touches, it all came together to produce a wonderfully bittersweet story that touched my heart and my brain and my soul in such a way that had me longing for a situation of my own (or at least, what I imagine that would look like since I've never had a situation of my own). As a result, there's been a snippet of a story rattling around in my brain, which is something that actually happens somewhat frequently and I always mean to write those snippets down but I never do, so this time, I'm actually going to do it. So without further ado, here's a tiny snippet of a love story, as told from the point of the guy when he realizes he loves the girl next to him:

"Someday, when I'm 85 and can't remember what I had for breakfast or what shirt I wore the day before, I'll still be able to recall the first time I was struck by lightning.

I was sitting on the couch in my apartment watching a movie, something I did fairly frequently. Only this time was different. This time, she was sitting next to me.

The night hadn't started out as anything special. The movie was one we had both seen before, and it was mainly serving as background noise while we scrolled on our phones, alternating showing each other something funny we came across and talking about random nothings. Slowly, our exchanges began to taper off as exhaustion from the long, busy day began to set in. With every blink, my eyes stayed closed longer and longer and eventually stayed closed, until I felt my phone fall out of my hand and land on my knee before sliding to the floor. I began to reach for it when I realized there was something warm on my shoulder. It was heavy too, but in a good way, a solid, comforting warmth. She had fallen asleep and her head was on my shoulder.

For a moment, I just sat there, stunned. No one had ever fallen asleep on me before, although if that were by choice or not, I had no idea. I looked down at her as she slept, her face peaceful and free of stress and just... beautiful. The word appeared in my head as simple as if it had always been there, waiting for me to realize what I'd always known. It felt like the most ordinary revelation, something so profound but also completely normal and accepted.

Without another thought, I lowered my head and gently kissed her forehead just below her soft brown hair. At my touch, she stirred, her features momentarily scrunching and then smoothing again as she lifted her head from my shoulder and blinked, taking in her surroundings and turning her face towards mine. She gave me a tiny smile that seemed to fill her entire face before closing her eyes again and laying her head back on my shoulder, her body snuggling closer now.

That's when I knew - I was in love with her. And the bolt of that realization felt powerful enough to sustain me for the rest of my life, as long as the rest of my life was spent by her side."