;

It's not the sx that haunts me, those things he did in between, the way he held my hand, the way he leaned on me, the way he made sure I was still beside him, the way he said come closer and hugged me.

Healing process is hard, kasi one day feeling mo okay ka na, one day naman back to zero again. Sa totoo lang ang hirap talaga kasi I never wished to feel this kind of pain, pero siguro nga life teaches us to get ready sa future. Pero sobrang hirap lang, lalo na kapag nag rerelapse, minsan mapapatanong ka na lang talaga, bakit sa dami ng tao, sa akin nya pa talaga nagawang gawin to? I’ve been very genuine with my feelings, tapos lolokohin ka lang pala.

Pero kahit na ganyan, I still pray for the other person na sana when time comes, hindi na nya ulitin yung sakit na binigay nya sakin sa ibang tao. Sa totoo lang ang hirap lalo na kapag sinasabi ng iba na patawarin mo na o kaya naman let go nung sama ng loob mo sa tao na yun.

Paano mo magagawang patawarin yung isang tao na hindi man lang naging genuine yung sorry. Sorry, five letters nan ga lang, ginawa pang short cut na sori? Pano mo naman magagawang patawarin? Sobrang hirap, pero alam ko din naman na hanggang hindi ko pinapakawalan tong nararamdaman ko na to, I will always have this kind of hang-ups sa buhay ko.

I thought January and February tested me a lot, hindi pa pala, mas susubukin pala ako ng panahon ng April. I was offered a job outside the country, everything was looking fine. I thought everything was falling into places. I thought I could start over again outside the country. But the thing is, the way out is not kinda legal. I mean the work is legal, it’s just the process is not kinda legal, because the company doesn’t want to undergo the process of our government. Yung typical na ginagawa ng iba na lalabas ka ng bansa na tourist, tapos mag cross-country. Unfortunately, I was deferred due to some issues. From that moment, I held back my tears, pero nung ako na lang mag-isa, I felt like I was cursed or maybe I’m starting to pay the prices of my sins. I cried a lot that day. As in one whole day crying. The people around me saw how devastated I am during that time. Kasi I prayed for it, I’m starting to plan out my life again.

It was the first time na I heard my dad telling me na, kung ano man ang nangyari, wag mo sanang isipin na pinabayaan ka ng nasa taas o hindi ka nya pinakinggan, hindi ganun yun. May ibang plano sya sayo. Those people na kausap ko during that time are reminding me that everything happens for a reason. Somehow, parang kinakausap naman nga ako ni God, I saw a post that says, if God is answering your prayer, God is increasing your faith, but when God delays your prayer, God is increasing your patience, and when God does not answer your prayer, God is preparing something better for you. Narealize ko rin naman nga that time na it could be his protection, cos his redirection is his way of protecting us. At first hindi ko talaga maintindihan, pero He was like talking to me sa mga nakikita ko online. There’s a homily pa rin that I heard, it says, baka kaya hindi muna tinupad ni Lord yung dasal mo, kasi baka kapag tinupad nya, mas lalo kang hindi magpatawad, hindi mo lalo pakawalan yung nasa kalooban mo.

It kinda hit me there, oo nga naman, baka nga need ko muna rin talaga bitawan yung mga excess baggage ko, and enjoyin ko muna ang waiting season ko, before ako sumubok sa ibang bagay. Narealize ko din, maybe God is telling me na ayan naiiba na naman yung plano mo. Nawawala ka na naman sa focus. Ang focus ko sana this 2024 ay makapag thesis proposal na, prepare myself and to get a teaching job.

Pero I must admit, I questioned God sa mga nangyayari sakin, kung ito na nga yung kabayaran ko sa mga kasalanang nagawa ko? Na ako na nga yung nasaktan bakit parang ako pa yung nasa miserable na situation, samantalang yung nanakit sakin bakit parang nagiging pabor lahat ng nangyayari sa kanya? Bakit ang unfair naman ata? Pero lately, narealize ko rin naman na may iba pa nga pala akong dasal na pinakikinggan nya, kaso di ko lang nakikita kasi I’m focusing sa bigger picture, na hindi ko naisip na may mga small prayers din naman pala ako na tinutupad nya.

A month ago, nag bumble premium ako, pero tamad na tamad akong makipag chat. Hahaha! Anyway, may isa naman na nagtyaga ako na makipag chat, kasi I thought he's kinda different.

He's 33, working sa government, single daw for 2 years na.

At first okay naman, pero napansin ko, wala kaming topic na maayos, puro alak or medyo yung mga green jokes nya. Tapos babe agad yung tawag. Okay naman at first. Pero nakaka umay na yung "good morning babe" "ano gawa mo babe" "kumain ka na babe" ako kasi hindi talaga ako matopic agad, kasi gusto ko makita if a guy could handle a conversation. E puro alak nagiging topic namin.

Tapos eventually, sa mga jokes niya, ramdam kong, ahh sex lang gusto nito. Very bumble thing!

Here goes the red flag hahaha

Ako yung gusto nyang pumunta ng Calamba kasi he doesn't know how to commute daw dito sa South kasi he's originally from the North - red flag kasi talaga mga taga Bulacan. hahaha!

And if magkikita daw kami on a weekday after work. Like dude, alam mo ba yung travel time from Cavite to Calamba after office hours? Malalang traffic yun, pero sabi ko sige lang, oo lang ako, kasi for the record, I don't do meet-ups naman! hahaha

Ito hindi naman red flag sakin to kung tutuusin, pero sabi nya sabihin ko daw sa kanya kung kailan ako pupunta ng Calamba kasi usually wala daw syang pera kasi baka daw fishballs lang mailibre nya. Di naman ako choosy at maselan. Pero ang nakakatawa, every weekend syang nasa inuman. So it makes sense kaya palaging walang pera,

Tapos tita nya daw yung boss nya. Nung una, parang okay lang naman, kaso nung nagtatagal na, ang sketchy na ng dating. Parang sobrang takot sa tita or baka nga kasi boss nya yun. Pero ang sketchy talaga.

The last straw of hope sa convo namin, ended when he sent me a message ng 5pm by saying pauwi na sya ng dorm nya, tapos 2 hours later, ang message na pauwi na sya ng Calamba? Pero bago yun medyo cold na talaga ko, kasi ang sketchy na talaga, and this time, mas okay na kong sundin ang instincts ko.

Ahh, may isa pa pala na kina turn off ko. Sinabihan ako na "buti nga ikaw pagala gala lang e." You don't know my story, what I've been through, so deserve ko naman siguro magpahinga. Pero siguro it gives him the idea na mayaman ako, kasi pagala gala lang ako at di ko need mag work. Like dude, it's a different story.

Likezoned ko lang yung message nya, tapos di na rin naman sya nag message. And it's okay.

Siguro may 2 weeeks na rin akong walang kausap ulit. And I feel perfectly fine. I mean, di ko naman hinahanap na may kausap, okay na ko sa pa scroll scroll sa tiktok maghapon. Atleast wala akong need iupdate kung ano ginagawa ko. Walang tanong ng tanong kung wala ba akong lakad, di ba ako nabobored na nasa bahay lang ako.

It's my 14 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Hi, it’s been a little while now! It’s been months, but I think I have the courage now to spill what I went through early this year. I am still processing my healing, but I think, I’m slowly getting there.

Early this year, January to be exact, God tested me. I was falling apart. I was losing my job, I was broken-hearted, and I didn’t know what to do anymore. It started when I had to choose between staying in my company or I need to find a new job. I was stressed. And then I was also dealing with my broken heart.

Here’s a little context on my broken heart – I was in a relationship for a year. For one year, I wasn’t at peace, there’s always something. I won’t go into details, but I was not at peace. I always cry at night and overthink a lot, it wasn’t a healthy relationship after all. Then things got worse, and I had to let go, because you know as the cliché goes, letting go is another way of saying that you’ll always love that person, even though it hurts so much. I thought it was just a crazy idea when someone says it hurts so much that they will die because of it, I was wrong, it was true.

So, while I was dealing with my broken heart, I was also losing my job. I was so stressed out that every day I was crying my heart out. So, I decided to go back home and leave my job. It wasn’t easy to decide to go back home, but staying in that place is wrecking me. For two weeks I had to get up every day and pretend that I was okay, go with my 8-hour job, go back home, cry until I fell asleep, and wake up crying and crying in the shower.

Until there was a time that I had to beg God to stop the pain that I was feeling because I couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t know if I am sad and stressed because I decided to walk away from my job that I prayed for, or if my heart is shattered into pieces. It was one evening, I just finished work, and I needed to walk back home for 20 minutes, while I was walking, I could feel my chest aching so bad that I had to hold it and do breathing exercises, and I could feel it that any minute that night, I’ll just have my emotional breakdown in the middle of the road. I didn’t know how I managed to get home, but I was begging God to please let me make it home, so I did and the moment I entered my room I cried a river.

During that time, I had no friends that I could talk to because I didn’t want to be a burden to them. I don’t want to bother anyone on what’s happening to me. That’s the time I had to confide to my cousin, what I went through, what I’m going through, and she helped me to get through it. She’s more of my spiritual guide, she told me to pray harder, and trust God.

Then I realized, what happened to me was God’s redirection. He may take away everything I had that month, but I know it is for the better. As the bible says in Isaiah 60:22, “When the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen.” The other one is from Romans 8:18 “The pain that you are feeling right now can’t compare to the joy that is coming.”

Saka para bang may something ako na tinatakbuhan sa Pinas. I mean, I'm running away from my childhood loneliness. I'm running away from home to find my so called freedom.