your local goat

its kind of sad that bugs are so weak. it dishonors their noble biology. i guess this is is why crustaceans are so admirable. imagine for a moment, an unsquishable bug. such is the way of the crab

Thought crimes aren't real, telepaths don't exist, and even if they were and do, having your head constantly play "Fly me to the moon/Let me kick its fucking ass/Let me show you what I learned/In my moon jiu-jitsu class" on repeat while out and about in public isn't illegal

Apparently one type of deer hunting practiced in the Middle Ages was using “stalking horses” which involves crouching behind horse in a forest and slowly guiding it towards a deer that’s been tracked because deer are not frightened by the sight of other tall quadrupeds and I like how “horses as a form of camouflage” is belongs to the list of uses for domestic horses

Maybe if I just work harder, this empty cup will pour again

Maybe the cup needs a bit of time to rest and refill?

Maybe the cup needs to lock the fuck in???

[Three musicians in astonishingly good chubby yak fursuits dance to the tune of Michael Jackson's "Beat it"]

shaking my head while I say things like "goldfish memory" and "shrimp colors" to indicate that while these are useful and vivid shorthands I don't support the scientific misconceptions that they're based on

if you go looking for doom and gloom all you will see is doom and gloom. if you go looking for reduced items at the grocery store you may find a littol treat

the club moss I got for my terrarium is dying, despite being lovingly packed into organic soil with oven-fried leaf litter and bioactive springtails and isopods, and meanwhile in my fridge my fuck ass onions are sending out bright green shoots as happy as could be in their cold dark box of fucking nothing

Technically most moss is outside the international space station

sorry sorry sorry I’ll stop reading reviews, but one variant that I find really good is when people say “this was advertised as ‘hilarious’. but I found it merely ‘amusing’. perhaps I cracked a smile. once.” because it makes me feel like a trembling jester kneeling before a displeased king, and that image kinda turns me on a little

do you want a warm, weighted, vibrating plushie that acts like a heat seeking missile and intermittently stabs you? What I have just described to you is Felis catus and there is a dark secret to it