Life in commotion. @lostinthemiddleaged - Tumblr Blog

It never stops.

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Know why so many people say it sucks to be an adult? Because no one taught us HOW to be an adult and by the time we figured it out we'd screwed up so much stuff in our lives that we were pretty damn bitter about it.

I was listening to Pandora and a song came on with piece of lyrics that hit me like a truck:

Don't outsmart your common sense.

Ego will blow up our common sense every time...if we let it. I'm not going to let it do that any more. Well, I'm going to do my best to not let it happen any more. I guess we'll see.

#midlifecrisis

It all comes back to the same thing doesn't it?

Fear.

Fear of failure. Fear of commitment. Fear of not being accepted or valued or loved or good enough or attractive enough or... or... or...

When you break it down, what your afraid of is... yourself. Your afraid that you... the REAL you... the you that you try to keep hidden from others... is going to let you down. Again.

How do you break defeat that fear? Honestly, I don't know. But I know what I'm trying to do; I'm trying to commit to myself at least as much as I commit to others. Even small things. If I show myself that I can do those things for myself then I'll know I can do them for others.

So far... it's working. Yeah, it's in small doses but it's working. My kids have already noticed. I'm going you try to build on the small success. Stepping stones. If I keep it small then nothing will look insurmountable.

I keep coming back to the elephant analogy: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I'm still afraid. Terrified sometimes. But there's a beat down and broken kid inside me that wants to believe I can do this. Somehow, I'm more afraid of letting him down again than I am of failing.

#midlifecrisis

As my journey continues I find myself focused on two things that have greatly contributed to me not being fully in control of my life.

I've constantly had this incessant, pathetic need to impress anyone I viewed as being in a position of authority. Supervisors, older friends, whatever. It's been something like a compulsion for as long as I can remember.

I've also had an almost pathological need to excel at my job. Any job. Even jobs I didn't want and, ultimately, didn't like. I HAD to be great at them. Any negative review or remark from a supervisor would send me into an anxiety fueled tailspin. I think that's why I stayed at so many dead end jobs for so long.

I know where both of these things come from, of course. They're tied directly to some of my deepest emotional scars from childhood. Throughout my life I've had this loud, reeking need for approval. "Tell me I did a good job." "Tell me I'm good enough." "Tell me I'm wanted."

Of all the things I've realized about myself, this may be the most difficult to put down. That feeling of inadequacy takes root in so many things. But now I've admitted it to myself. That's where it has to start, right?

#midlifecrisis

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I've bragged for years that I have no regrets in life. It isn't that I've done nothing wrong but rather that I'd made my mistakes the building blocks of my self. Of course... that was bullshit. I've come to understand that I've simply been too afraid and too ashamed to be honest with myself.

I was too afraid to admit that it wasn't simply that I'd made wrong decisions but that my decision making process was wrong headed. I was arrogant. I was self indulgent. Mean spirited and angry. I was, quite simply, a man child that made decisions with little more than temper tantrum mentality.

I was too ashamed to admit that the decisions I've made and the things I've done haven't just affected me; they've affected those around me. People I've claimed as friends and loved ones. And yet, I said and did things that hurt them. No, not intentionally but thoughtlessly and cruelly none the less.

I can live with how I've hurt myself. After all, that's simply reaping what I sow. But the are no apologies that can be made for what I've done to others. Reopening old wounds to salve my own guilt is unconscionable.

So what do I do?

I get better at being thoughtful. And then I become a better friend. I can never say how sorry I really am. But I can show how much I really care. About me AND about them.

#midlifecrisis

Since sinking in to this quagmire, I've come to understand how the mind treats some memories like Chinese finger cuffs. The more you try to pull away, the tighter you're locked in to it. Stop fighting. Instead, understand why it has such a grip on you. Relax. Eventually it will loosen and fall away.

Of course, when finger cuffs fall away you throw the things out. But memories will lie in wait knowing that, eventually, you'll pick them up and get stuck again. After all, bittersweet is our favorite flavor.

#midlifecrisis

I'm a firm believer that you can't expect positive experiences in your life if you surround yourself with negative people. However, some people don't realize their negativity. So, do you have a responsibility to them to point out their negativity before you cut them from your life? I suppose that depends on your closeness to them. What if they can't stop being negative? Worse; what if they refuse to even discuss the possibility of their negative impact?

I believe that, at that point, you have a responsibility to let them go and to tell them why. Your primary responsibility is to yourself. Your mental/emotional health doesn't just impact you. It impacts everyone and everything you care about.

#midlifecrisis

lostinthemiddleaged

“I thought if I could touch this place or feel it This brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it’s like I’m someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave. Won’t take nothing but a memory From the house that built me.”

Sometimes…it isn’t about going home again. It’s about remembering where you came from. It’s remembering the strengths it gave you. Or the weaknesses. Remembering how it built you. Or broke you. Not every “when I was a kid” is a happy story. If you want to fix your jagged edges you have to deal with how they were created.

lostinthemiddleaged

Knowing how you became who you are is the only way to get to who you want to be.

“I thought if I could touch this place or feel it This brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it's like I'm someone else, I thought that maybe I could find myself If I could just come in I swear I'll leave. Won't take nothing but a memory From the house that built me.”

Sometimes...it isn’t about going home again. It’s about remembering where you came from. It’s remembering the strengths it gave you. Or the weaknesses. Remembering how it built you. Or broke you. Not every “when I was a kid” is a happy story. If you want to fix your jagged edges you have to deal with how they were created.

#midlifecrisis

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#midlifecrisis

speeedylesbian

Here’s an unpopular opinion that shouldn’t be unpopular: Not wanting sex is a reasonable boundary to set for literally any reason. Be it your trauma, your mental health, your sexuality, or any other factor. Your partners should respect that and they should respect you. This shouldn’t be a debate.

lostinthemiddleaged

I agree with this completely. However, there's another aspect that has to be considered in any sustained relationship: compatibility. Ending a relationship because of being physically or sexually incompatible shouldn't be looked at as being evil or wrong. Not being in the same place when it comes to being physically intimate leads to disappointment, bitterness, regret, anger, etc.. Both parties have to have a common understanding of one another's physical needs and/or fears and the ability to meet those issues head on.

I don't mind the fact that I do the majority of the cooking. I don't mind the fact that I do most of the errands. I don't mind the fact that when a company needs to be called about a bill that I'm always the one that calls. I mind that you don't want to take on any of those responsibilities but you want to constantly complain about how I do it or when I do it. You take it for granted that I do these things but show zero appreciation for it. When my irritation with your attitude builds up, you post on my Facebook that you appreciate all the things I do. Stop doing that. I don't give a shit what Facebook thinks of your appreciation. I don't want your platitudes. I want you to actually appreciate the things I do. I want you to recognize that I do the lion's share of marital responsibilities in our house. If you're not going to help more than you need to appreciate that I take care of things. I'm ready to completely give up on this. We've been married for almost 18 years and I feel more alone every day.

#midlifecrisis #married life #married #marriage

humblymybrain

“I am going through a mid-life transformation, not a crisis. Just applying what I have learned over the years.“

- my Brain

lostinthemiddleaged

I really like this analogy. I've gone out of my way to make sure that I don't make knee jerk reactions to the realizations I've had over the last year. Instead I'm focusing on making changes based in thought and introspection. It isn't a crisis; it's measured change.

#midlifecrisis

I'm exiting a very interesting year. I changed career paths. (So much for the better.) I completely quit smoking. I ran my first Spartan race. And I finally started learning to deal with my own issues instead of blaming them on others.

I've never been much for the whole New Year resolution thing but I did start thinking, "What do I want from the New Year?" Except... no. That's not really right is it? So I changed it to, "What do I want from myself during this New Year?" That clicked. I've started a path over the last few months that is as exciting as it is scary. And THAT'S what I expect from myself during the New Year. I'm going to keep getting better at actually being the person I've always claimed to be.

#midlifecrisis

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One of the things I've been working on is getting a grip on how I express my anxiety in bouts of anger and irritability. It basically makes me a miserable bastard to be around. So, I try to be consciously aware of when I'm getting anxious and slow my thinking down before I interact with people; particularly my family. It's not always easy but I'm getting a better grip on it little by little. Yesterday my son said to me that he noticed that I've been more calm and “rational" (his word). He says that it makes it easier for him to talk to me in general and particularly about things that make him self conscious. He didn't like talking to me about these types of things because I'd get all worked up and angry. I'm disappointed in myself that I ever made him feel like he couldn't come to me with anything he needed. But I'm glad I'm figuring this out before it's too late.

#midlifecrisis #father and son

I see my friends taking their families on exotic holidays. They're buying houses. They're giving their families the life they deserve. I'm not. And I've got no one to blame for that but myself.

The guilt is eating me alive.

#midlifecrisis #husband #father #married life #married

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