Calum ya dick

・┈・୨୧・┈・

You didn’t really know what to expect after agreeing to this kind of relationship, but things were still normal. If anything, life seemed more peaceful. There weren’t pages of rules suddenly handed over to you or expectations to suddenly be obedient to him. Instead, it was just little things. 

When work really overwhelmed you again on Wednesday, you didn’t spend the drive home pretending to be fine. You climbed into Noah’s car, shut the door and before he could even ask, you let out a long, tired sigh. 

“Today was awful.” You told him, and he simply reached over and took your hand, giving it a soft squeeze. 

“I’m sorry, baby.” He frowned, and simply just getting that off your chest already made you feel better. 

When you got back, Noah sent you upstairs to shower and change into something comfy before dinner, and when you came back down the stairs he called you into the kitchen. 

“...Come here.” He said, holding his arms open for you. 

You crossed the room and let him pull you against his chest. He held you for a long moment, his hand gently rubbing against your back. 

“Wanna tell me about it?”

So you did, you told him all about the espresso machine breaking, and how all the oat milk had gone off, and how you had to go into the bathroom and cry for fifteen minutes. 

He had a great solution to it. He told you that after dinner he would make you both a hot chocolate, you’d go up to bed and put on a movie or TV show and cuddle. If you wanted him to use his fingers or his mouth to switch your mind off before going to sleep then he would… but an hour into the movie, he looked down at you cuddled up to his chest, and you were already softly snoring. 

On Thursday, he came to visit you at work, which was a surprise. He didn’t tell you he was planning on coming in, but you smiled the second you saw him hold the door open for an elderly lady before stepping in. 

He was dressed casually today, wearing a pair of black joggers and a navy hoodie, with a black baseball cap on his head. The moment his eyes found yours, a little smile appeared on his lips. Not enough that anyone else would notice, it was just for you. 

“Well,” Tom smirked, leaning against the counter, “You didn’t tell me Mr Millionaire was coming in- ow!” 

You elbowed him, telling him to behave. He shook his head, but grinned to himself as he wandered away to wipe down one of the tables. 

You were still serving another customer, so while you made their cappuccino, you wondered how you were supposed to act? Do you treat Noah like he’s just another customer, or like he was Noah?...

Your Noah. 

You mentally winced at yourself, don’t start thinking like that. 

But then you handed the drink over, the customer paid, and Noah stepped up to the counter next, resting his forearm against it. 

“Hi.” 

“Hi.” You replied, trying to stop the shy little smile spreading across your face- though he noticed it anyway. 

“So…” He began softly, and your eyes widened a little as you waited for him to continue, “You gonna ask what I want?”

You chuckled, feeling your cheeks start to heat up. 

“I already know what you want.” You smiled. 

“Good girl.” He said casually as he reached for his wallet, making you feel a little dizzy. You reached for a cup, trying not to let it show how it affected you. 

“Anything else?”

“Hm…” He pretended to think, “Well, I hear the barista’s pretty cute.” 

Your heart fluttered for a second, but you tried to shake it off. 

“So what brings you here?” You asked as you began grinding coffee beans. 

“I was nearby.” He shrugged. 

“No you weren’t.” You smirked. 

“Fine…” he sighed, “The coffee's better here than the cafe by my place.” 

“Oh yeah? Is that all?"

“Mm, and I wanted to see you.” 

Your hands stopped just for a second, before continuing. 

“I’m heading to Davis’s after this, we’ve got to sort some stuff before tour, since it’s only a couple weeks away.” 

You nodded your head. 

“You not getting him a drink?”

Noah scoffed. 

“He still owes me for lunch a couple days ago. If he wants coffee he can get one himself.” 

You smiled to yourself, and began to work the espresso machine. Noah watched you, it really fascinated him, the way you knew exactly what to do, how you remembered regulars’ orders and gave all your customers that little smile, even on days where you felt like shit. 

“You’re good at this.” Noah said, while you were staring into the distance waiting for the espresso machine. 

“Hm?” You glanced over at him. 

“You’re good at your job.” 

You smiled. 

“Thank you.”

Then, the elderly lady he’d held the door open for shuffled over beside him. 

“Oh!” She smiled at you, “Is this your boyfriend, darling?”

Your eyes widened. 

“Uh…” 

Before you could answer, Noah spoke. 

“Not yet.” He smirked, “I’ve still got a lot to prove.” 

The woman laughed. 

“Well, I’d say you’re doing rather well, dear.” 

You felt your face burn again, while Noah stood there looking rather pleased with himself. 

“I’ll take that.” He smiled

The lady picked up an extra sugar for her coffee with a cheerful smile before wandering away, and you looked back up at Noah. 

“You enjoyed that.” 

“Maybe a little.” He smirked, then you slid his coffee across the counter. 

“Here.” 

He took it with a grateful smile. 

“Thank you, baby.” 

Your stomach flipped, and you almost forgot what you were typing into the machine. 

“Noah, I’m at work!” You hissed under your breath. 

“What’s the issue?” He asked, looking entirely innocent, “You’re my baby everywhere.” 

“I’m trying to be professional.” You said, trying not to smile as you looked up at him over the counter. “Your total’s 4.60.”

“I thought you were going to give me employee discount.” He smirked. 

“You don’t work here.” 

“I could.” 

“You’d last about ten minutes.” You scoffed, making him chuckle as he tapped his card against the reader. 

The machine beeped, and a big approved appeared on the screen. Then when the tip option appeared, you didn’t think anything of it. You assumed he wouldn’t tip above the minimum, now you’re living in his house rent free, now he’s flown you to Paris and bought you countless amounts of things. 

“You don’t have to tip me, Noah.” 

“I know.” He said simply, before tapping the ‘custom amount’ option. 

You didn’t look. You turned around with a huff, and before you knew it, the machine beeped again. 

Tip: $100

“Noah!” You hissed. 

“What?” He smirked, “You look pretty when you’re working.” He said as he picked his cup back up, “Have a good day, sweetheart. See you at six.” 

And before you could even come up with an argument for that, he turned around and left. 

…

By the time Friday evening rolled around, you already noticed a change in yourself. You felt lighter than you had in months, so clearly Noah’s plan had worked, and this was helping. 

Noah had been working in the studio, though he told you he'd stop at 9 so you could both cuddle in bed and put something on the TV.

“Baby?”

You looked up from where you’d stolen his corner of the sofa, not expecting to see him for another hour.

“Hm?” You hummed. 

“Tommorow morning,” he leaned against the doorway, reminding you just how fucking tall he was, “I need you to pack an overnight bag.” 

“What for?” You asked. 

“Well, you got through the week, didn’t you? I said I had a surprise…” He smirked, “We’re staying in a hotel for the night, and make sure you pack something you’d wear to a concert.” 

“A concert?” Your curiosity peaked. 

He just smiled, and slowly shook his head. 

“I’ve already said too much.” 

“Noah-” 

“We’re leaving just after lunch. And no, I’m not telling you where we’re going… just trust me. You’re gonna love it.” 

He seemed pleased with himself as he pushed himself off the doorway and headed into the kitchen, grabbing a drink before disappearing back into the studio. You heard the door click shut, and a cheeky smile spread across your face. 

You had an idea… 

After a few minutes, Noah was back at his desk, headphones around his neck as he tapped away on his keyboard. He barely had time to look up before you wandered into the room. 

“...Hi.” 

He smiled, looking up at you. 

“Hi.” 

Without saying a word, you walked over and carefully settled yourself in his lap, looking down at him with your most innocent smile. His hands found your waist, and he looked up at you, a little taken back by your sudden confidence. 

“Well,” he smiled, “This is nice.” 

You tried not to giggle, and instead combed your fingers through his soft hair. 

“I need something.” 

“I gathered.” He leaned back in his chair, spreading his legs a little more so you were more comfortable as his thumbs brushed over your hips, “What can I do for you?”

You rested your hands on his shoulders, tilting your head sweetly as you asked,

“Can I borrow your credit card?”

His eyes widened. 

“...My credit card?”

You nodded your head, and he just looked at you for a moment, almost like he couldn’t believe what you had just said. 

“You know, we’ve been doing this for so long…” a lazy grin spread across his face, “And I don’t think I’ve ever heard those words come out of your mouth once.” 

You chuckled, twirling a strand of his hair around your finger.

“Well, I was thinking about going shopping tomorrow morning, before we leave. Y’know, get a new outfit for the mystery concert…”

“Of course, baby. What time should we go?”

You shook your head. 

“Nuh-uh, you’re staying here.” You smirked, poking his chest. “I wanna surprise you with something.” 

He studied your face for a second. 

“Should I be worried?”

“No.” You bit back a smile. 

“Should my bank account be worried?”

“...Maybe a little.” You smirked, and he chuckled. 

“You’ve become suspiciously comfortable spending my money all of a sudden. You argued with me for twenty minutes in Paris when I wanted you to buy those diamond earrings.” 

You shrugged, trying to look casual. 

“You told me to stop feeling guilty” 

“I did.”

“So…” You smiled sweetly. “…I thought I’d be a good girl and listen.”

“…You know exactly what you’re doing, don’t you?” He smirked, his hands rubbing your hips.

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Liar.” He smiled, but still reached into his pocket for his wallet, before sliding the black card between your fingers. “There’s one condition.”

You looked up expectantly.

“I want you to spoil yourself. There’s no limit on that card, so I don’t want you buying cheaper versions of things or knock offs. I want my girl to have the best, and nothing less.”

“Yes sir.” You giggled.

He leaned forward to kiss your forehead.

“I trust you.”

You smiled to yourself as you tucked the card safely into your pocket. If only he knew exactly where you were planning to take it… 

… 

The next morning, Noah let you take his car to go shopping. He had a few things he had to do at home, so he didn’t mind staying behind. He kissed you goodbye at the door and told you to take your time and buy whatever you wanted.

But he had no idea where you were about to step into...

You’d never been to a physical sex shop before. You’d bought a vibrator online a couple of years ago, and it had been fine- discreet packaging, no awkward eye contact. But this time, you had to go into the store.

You wanted to surprise Noah with something new, something you could both enjoy. He’d mentioned wanting to try toys with you, and the thought had been living in your head ever since.

You felt more excited than nervous when you pulled into the parking lot, but then you walked through the door...

The shop was bigger and brighter than you expected. The hot pink walls were lined with shelves upon shelves of toys in every possible shape, color, and size. Your eyes widened as you took it all in.

To your left was a whole wall of dildos- realistic ones with veins and balls, vibrating ones, thrusting ones, even double-ended ones. Some were monstrously large, others curved in ways that made you blush just by looking at them. Next to them were displays of butt plugs in every size, some made of metal, some of silicone, some with pretty sparkly jeweled bases. 

Further down the aisle were vibrators- wands, bullets, rabbits, suction toys that promised to “make you squirt”, though you scoffed at the thought of it, thinking yeah right. There were even fucking machines on display in the back corner, intimidating metal contraptions with attachments that scared you a little, making you swallow hard as you looked away.

The lingerie section was just as overwhelming- tiny lace sets that barely covered anything, latex sets that covered everything, crotchless panties, babydolls, leather harnesses, and bodysuits with cutouts.

You felt your cheeks burning hotter with every step. A couple browsed the BDSM section nearby- nipple clamps, paddles, ropes, blindfolds, and something called a “spreader bar” that made your stomach flip. Everything felt so… explicit. So shameless. You weren’t even sure just what type of toys Noah would want… or where to even start. 

You stood frozen in the middle of the vibrator aisle, clutching the strap of your handbag over your shoulder. A woman walked past you holding a box with a massive purple dildo on it and a big bottle of lube like it was no big deal. You suddenly felt so out of place... so innocent.

God, I wish Noah was here, you thought, your cheeks burning. He would’ve known exactly what to pick. He would’ve stood behind you, whispering in your ear which toys he wanted to use on you, teasing you about how wet you were getting just by looking at them.

Instead, you were alone, flustered, and trying not to stare too long at a suction toy that promised “intense clitoral orgasms.”

You swallowed hard and forced yourself to pick up the safest option to start with- a simple wand vibrator. The same kind you’d seen before in porn, and much bigger than the bullet you owned a couple years ago. You could already imagine Noah holding it against your clit while he fucked you, and your thighs pressed together in the middle of the store.

You quickly grabbed it and headed toward the register before you could overthink it any more, your face burning the entire way.

… 

By the time you finally got home, pulling onto Noah’s driveway, you couldn’t help but feel a little giddy over what was sitting in the black bag in the passenger seat. Before getting out of the car, you tucked the bag into your handbag so nothing looked suspicious… then you made your way inside. 

“Noah?”

“I’m upstairs, baby!”

You slipped off your shoes, carefully hung your jacket up with his, and headed upstairs. His bedroom door was already open, and as you stepped inside, you found him kneeling on the floor with a suitcase lying open on the bed. Clothes were folded into neat piles, there were a couple pairs of trousers, t-shirts, his toiletries bag…

“You’ve started packing without me.” You frowned.

He glanced over his shoulder, smiling.

“I got bored waiting.”

“I’ve only been twenty minutes!” You chuckled. 

“Mm, it was a very long twenty minutes.”

You laughed, walking over before leaning down to kiss the top of his head. He hummed happily at the affection before pulling one of his drawers open. Inside, were neatly folded up pairs of black, grey and white Calvin Kleins. He took a couple pairs… but then something caught your eye. 

Tucked towards the back of the drawer, was black fabric, but this didn’t look like another pair of underwear. You screwed your face up, tilting your head. 

“…What’s that?”

Noah paused.

“What?”

You pointed into the drawer.

“Behind your boxers.”

He followed your finger, then smiled to himself. 

“Oh… that.”

He reached in and pulled it out, and you watched it unfold into a black ski mask. 

“Noah..?” You chuckled, in disbelief, “Why do you have a mask in your underwear drawer?”

He laughed, smiling at it fondly. 

“It’s not for robbing banks.”

“Well, that would explain a lot.” 

He shook his head, still smiling.

“It’s one of my old stage masks.”

You stared at it.

“…Your what?”

“Mhm.” He turned it over in his hands. “I used to wear it on stage a couple years ago.”

“No…” You looked between the mask and him. “…You did?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

He laughed.

“I just thought it looked cool.”

You reached out.

“…Can I?”

He handed it over without hesitation, and the first thing you noticed was how the fabric was incredibly soft. You noticed it said BAD OMENS around the neck, and you tried to imagine him wearing it on stage… 

“I don’t think I can picture it.” You said, looking up at him. 

“Wait a sec.” He grabbed his phone from the bed. “I’ll show you.”

A few taps later, he was scrolling through his band's instagram account, and after a moment, he turned the screen towards you. 

“There.”

Your eyes widened.

“…Holy shit.”

It was him… standing under bright stage lights, dressed in all black, with the mask covering his face. You could tell it was him because of the tattoos, and the black tank top. But he didn’t look like your Noah...

You looked at the photo, then back at the man kneeling comfortably on the bedroom floor in a faded old t-shirt, carefully folding up his underwear to pack in his suitcase.

“I can’t believe that’s you.”

He smiled.

“I’ve changed a bit.”

“A bit?” You looked at the photo again. “This is just crazy.” 

Noah chuckled, then you handed the mask back over to him. 

“So…” You said, drawing out the word as a smirk spread across your face. Noah immediately recognised that look, and he rasied an eyebrow.

“What?”

You tried your hardest to keep a straight face.

“Have you ever worn it in the bedroom?”

He looked a bit taken back. 

“Excuse me?”

“The mask...”

He laughed, shaking his head, almost looking a little shy.

“…No.”

“No?” You looked back down at it in his hands with disappointment. “…Wow. What a waste.”

“A waste?” He laughed, “Baby, I spent years wearing that thing on stage.”

“And apparently nowhere else.” 

He shook his head, still chuckling. Then you glanced up through your lashes.

“But would you…?”

He paused.

“…Would I what?”

“Wear it in the bedroom?”

His eyebrows lifted, and for a moment he was quiet. Then he leaned back on one hand, a smile slowly spreading across his face.

“Maybe…” He nodded, “It just depends.” 

“On what?”

His smile turned teasing.

“…Who’s asking.”

Heat rushed straight to your cheeks.

“You know who’s asking.”

“No I don’t.” He teased. 

“There’s only one other person in this room.”

“Hm.” He pretended to think about it. “You want me to wear this in bed?”

A smirk spread across your face.

“...Maybe.” 

He held your gaze for a moment before his expression softened.

“Huh. Good to know.” He nodded casually, before turning back to packing. Then he added, “You’ve become awfully confident this week.”

“Have I?”

“Mhm.” He smiled, “The woman who used to refuse to spend my money went shopping with my credit card this morning, and now-”

“Do you wanna know what I bought?” You grinned, interrupting him, and his face softened again. 

“I thought it was a surprise?”

You shrugged. 

“I’m awful at surprises,” you said as you sat on the edge of his bed, reaching for your bag. “Here.” 

You handed the black plastic bag over to him, and he curiously took a peek inside. 

“Oh, baby… what do we have here?” 

Noah reached into the bag and pulled out the box. When he saw the picture on the box, and realised there was a wand vibrator inside, his eyebrows rose slightly and a warm, delighted smile spread across his face.

“Wow…” he said softly, turning the box over in his hands. “You really went out and bought this?”

You nodded, cheeks warming under his gaze.

“I remembered you said that toys were something you’d like to try with me,” you said quietly. “So… I thought we could take this to the hotel tonight.”

Noah’s expression softened even more. He set the box aside and gently pulled you down into his lap, wrapping his arms around you.

“You went into a sex shop by yourself,” he smirked, sounding both impressed and incredibly fond. “My sweet girl did that for me?”

He kissed your forehead, and you couldn't help but giggle.

“We’re gonna have so much fun with this tonight, princess,” he said softly, a gentle smile playing on his lips. “I can already picture how pretty you’re going to look when I use it on you.”

You smiled, feeling heat rush between your thighs- then suddenly, you pushed yourself up off of him. 

“I guess I better start packing then.” You smiled, and Noah nodded. 

“I don’t know how much you plan on taking,” Noah began, “But there’s still plenty of room in my bag.” He nodded towards the suitcase on the bed. 

“Thanks,” you said, looking down at him, then your smile became a little sheepish. “…Would you help me?”

Noah looked up at you.

“Help you pack?”

You nodded.

“If… that’s okay.”

“Of course it is.” He said soflty.

You rubbed your hands together nervously.

“Thanks. I know it probably sounds silly...”

“It doesn’t.” He shook his head, suddenly sensing the shift in your mood and body language, “Talk to me, baby. I can tell something’s bothering you.”

You let out a small sigh before sitting back down beside him on the edge of the bed.

“I always get stressed packing, it doesn’t matter if I’m going somewhere for one night or one month, I always get so overwhelmed.” You admitted. “I worry I’ve forgotten something important… then I pack extras just in case… then I convince myself I’ve packed too much…” You laughed quietly at yourself. “Then I end up unpacking everything and starting again.”

“How many times?” He asked. 

“…Usually three or four.”

He smiled sympathetically.

“I wondered why it took you so long to pack for Paris.”

“You noticed?”

“I notice everything.”

Your cheeks warmed.

“I just…” You looked down at your hands, feeling slightly nervous. “I thought…”

He waited patiently.

“I thought maybe…” You smiled shyly. “Since we’re doing this now…”

His eyebrows lifted slightly.

“Could this be something you take care of for me?”

The smile that spread across his face was ever so gentle.

“Sweetheart.” He reached over, taking one of your hands in both of his. “Of course. I’d love to.”

You felt yourself relax before he’d even done anything.

“You would?”

“Mhm.” He gave your hand a reassuring squeeze. “Thank you for telling me how it makes you feel.”

Your shoulders seemed to drop all by themselves, feeling the anxiety slowly melting away. 

“Here’s what’s going to happen.” He said, his voice calm but still certain. Making you feel like he knows what he’s doing, everything's under control. “I’m going to ask you a few questions.”

You nodded.

“What are we doing tonight?”

“We’re going to a concert.”

“And tomorrow?”

“I think we’re coming home?”

“Yes,” he nodded with a little smile, “So that means one night away.”

You nodded again.

“That means we don’t need to prepare for every possible situation, do we, baby?”

You laughed, watching him rise to his feet. 

“…I do tend to do that.” You confessed. 

“I guessed.” He smirked, leading you into the guest room, where you kept everything you salvaged from your apartment. He reached for your suitcase from the closet- one that he bought you in Paris because the one you brought was overfilled- and he lied it down open on the bed. 

“I’ll tell you what to pack. If you think of anything else, then tell me. If you panic or can’t decide whether you need something or not, I’ll make the choice for you.” He smiled, “Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” you nodded, chuckling quietly, “You make it sound so simple.” 

“That’s because it is.” He smiled. “And once I’ve zipped this suitcase up,” he looked into your eyes. “…We’re done. No checking or unpacking. If you suddenly think of something when we’re in the car, then we can stop off somewhere and buy it.”

“…Really?”

He nodded, reaching for your hand.

“I promise you, sweetheart.” His thumb brushed gently across your knuckles. “One forgotten toothbrush has never ruined a weekend.”

He then dropped your hand and gently tapped the suitcase.

“So it seems my first official job as your dom,” he looked at you with a playful smile, “Is packing this bag. And your first job as my submissive is to trust me when I say we’ve got everything we need.”

For a moment, you simply looked at him. Then you nodded your head.

“Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.” You smiled.

He leaned over and kissed your forehead.

“Good girl.”

Those words made your heart feel warm, and Noah smiled to himself before setting his hands on his hips. 

“Right then, let’s start packing.” He pointed towards the wardrobe, “Concert outfit first.”

You turned towards the wardrobe, searching through your clothes.

“I don’t really know what to wear.” 

“That’s okay.” He walked over beside you, “What are your options?”

You reached for a couple of hangers.

“I was thinking maybe this?” You held up a black dress. “But then I thought maybe jeans with a nice top would be better… remember that top you bought me in Paris? The leather one that laces up in the front?”

You were already reaching for the top.

“But maybe it’s too much…”

“Sweetheart.”

You stopped talking, and he gave you a gentle smile. 

“Remember your job.”

“…Trust you.” You nodded. 

“Good.” He looked at the clothes in your hands before taking the black top from you. “I think you should wear this.”

“Yeah?” 

He nodded his head. 

“This and those jeans you like, the comfy ones. I think that’d be pretty.” 

You smiled to yourself. 

“Yeah? I was thinking about that, but I don’t know if it’d be appropriate, I don’t know what kinda concert-”

“Trust me, baby. It’ll be perfect.” 

You nodded your head, and he neatly started to pack them. 

“There… now, pyjamas.” 

You nodded and reached for a comfy oversized tshirt, and a pair of shorts.

“And underwear!” You noted, before opening the drawers while Noah politely turned his attention to the suitcase instead.

“How many?” You called over your shoulder.

“How many nights are we staying?”

“One.”

“So?”

“…Two pairs?” You asked.

He smiled.

“Perfect.”

You grabbed two before pausing.

“…Or maybe three.”

He looked over.

“Why three?”

“Just in case.”

“What emergency requires a third pair of underwear?”

“You never know what might happen, Noah!” You chuckled, reaching for a third pair, then a couple pairs of socks, then handed it all over to him to pack. 

He folded everything with such care, then looked up at you again.

“Toiletries next. Toothbrush, hairbrush, perfume, deodorant… what else? Skincare?”

You collected all those things, putting them into a wash bag before handing them over. 

“Hair tools? Make-up?” He asked.

You looked at your overflowing make-up bag.

“…Do I need all of this?”

He peered inside.

“I’m not qualified to answer that.”

“I’ll bring it all, just in case.” You chuckled.

When the toiletries were packed, he zipped the little wash bag shut before placing it neatly beside your clothes, then he looked around the room.

“Anything else?”

You instinctively began scanning every shelf, every drawer, every possible thing you might have forgotten. Then your brain started doing exactly what it always did.

What about…? Did I…? Should I…?

Noah noticed your eyes darting around, and his brows furrowed. 

“Hey.” Your attention returned to him. “What are you doing?”

“…Just checking.”

“For?”

“I don’t know.” You let out a tiny laugh, before quietly confessing, “My brain’s doing the thing...”

“I can tell.” He stepped closer until he was standing in front of you. “Look at me.”

You did.

“You’ve got your outfit, your toiletries. You’ve got your phone.”

“Mhm.”

“I’ve got chargers in my bag.”

“…Okay.”

Your shoulders relaxed.

“We’re staying one night. And if we somehow discover we’ve forgotten something… then we’ll just buy it.” Then, without another word, he reached down, and zipped the suitcase closed. “There.”

You stared at it.

It was done. Normally, this was the moment you’d immediately unzip it again. Check every pocket, count your socks. Wonder if you needed another hoodie. Instead, you looked at Noah.

“That’s it?” You asked. 

He smiled.

“Yep.”

You took a slow breath in.

“…Okay.” A smile of pure relief spread across your face. “I’ve never packed for a trip without feeling stressed before.”

Noah walked over, cupped your face in both hands and kissed your forehead.

“That’s because this time, you didn’t have to do it by yourself.”

…

The drive passed far quicker than either of you expected it to, though neither of you complained. You stopped asking where he was taking you two hours in, and just decided to relax. He let you play your music as he drove, one hand on the steering wheel while the other reached over to rest on your thigh.

Every now and then you’d pass a sign, and you’d immediately start trying to guess the destination in your mind again… trying to figure out what concert was being held nearby… 

But before you knew it, a couple of hours later, Noah pulled into the underground car park of a beautiful hotel in the middle of the city. He parked up, then got out to open the passenger door. 

You climbed out and offered to take your suitcase from him, but he shook his head, insisting on taking the bags up to the entrance. 

And wow… it wasn’t as fancy as Paris, but it was still so elegant.

“This is…” You couldn’t put it into words. 

“Nice?”

“A little bit nicer than nice.” You chuckled. 

“I hoped you’d like it.” He grinned, "I've stayed here a couple times before."

Inside, the lobby was beautiful. There were marble floors that reflected the warm light from big chandeliers overhead, fresh flowers decorated almost every table, and the entire place smelled like fresh linen and a touch of something floral... probably from the flowers.

The receptionist greeted you both warmly as you checked in, before handing Noah the room key. Then, as you stepped into the elevator, you found yourself leaning lightly against his shoulder.

“Tired?”

“A little. I think it’s from the drive.”

“Being a passenger princess is hard work,” Noah teased, “We’ve got plenty of time before we leave tonight if you want a nap.”

“I might.” You said, then he kissed the top of your head.

"C'mon then."

The room was even more beautiful than the lobby. The big windows overlooked the city, and a king sized bed sat in the centre of the room, with the most comfy looking white bedding.

There was a little seating area by the window with a small table, on which sat some fresh flowers. Beside the seats was the door to the balcony. 

“…This is  amazing!”

Noah set both suitcases down at the bottom of the bed. 

“It’s alright.”

“‘Alright?’” Your eyebrows raised in disbelief. 

He shrugged innocently.

“I’ve stayed in worse.” He smirked. 

You laughed.

“You’re so spoiled, Noah.”

“Hey, I tour for a living.” He chuckled, before straightening up, “Still wanna have a nap, baby?”

You thought for a moment, before shaking your head. 

“I think I’m okay. I know it’s still pretty early… but I’m so excited, I just want to get ready now.” 

He smiled.

“That’s okay,” he nodded towards the bathroom. “Want to shower first?”

You looked towards the enormous bathroom before looking back at him, a little smirk on your lips.

“…Together?”

His lips curved into a soft smile.

“If you’d like.”

“Oh, I’d like.” You grinned. 

…

You spent most of the shower simply talking, laughing, washing each other with gentle hands. 

There wasn’t anything sexual about it, not even when he ran his soapy hands over your breasts and down to your ass. You melted into his touch, and he did the same when your fingers worked the shampoo into his hair. 

Noah stepped out first, wrapping a towel around his hips before handing one to you. After you stepped out, you stayed in the bathroom for a few more minutes. Noah took another soft towel and gently started to dry your hair, then you took it from him, and made him bend down as you ruffled the towel against his hair, making it fall all over the place.

Afterwards, Noah disappeared back into the bedroom, tugging a clean black tshirt over his head while you reached into the closet for the fluffy white robe. You decided it wouldn’t make sense to get dressed yet, since there were still a few hours before you had to leave. 

So instead, you dug through your suitcase for your makeup bag and hair dryer, since you always preferred your own. Then, all of a sudden you heard the sound of a phone buzzing. You instinctively looked over to check if it was yours, but it wasn’t. It was Noah’s. 

“Huh.” He said as he looked at the screen. 

“What?”

“I just need to take this.”

“Everything okay?”

“Mhm.” He hummed, answering it before opening the balcony door. “Hey...”

The door slid shut behind him, muting most of the conversation. You tried not to listen in, you tried to concentrate on your makeup… but you could still make out some of what was being said.

“…Yeah…”

It’s not like you were trying to listen. 

“…Tell Oli I said thanks for sorting me out tonight.”

Your hand froze halfway to your eyelashes.

Oli?

There couldn’t be that many Olis Noah knew. So you tried to ignore it. 

“…It’s not even really for me…”

Your curiosity won, and you looked towards the balcony door.

“No… it’s for someone special.”

Your heart skipped a beat, your tummy fluttering at his words. Someone special? You? A hundred different possibilities raced through your head, Oli, concert, someone special…

You slowly lowered the mascara wand onto the dressing table. There was only one Oli you could think of- and only one concert you had mentioned to Noah… and it suddenly started to make sense. 

He was taking you to see them now, because he’d be away on tour when Bring Me were playing in your city. Your heart sank a little at the thought of Noah having to leave in a couple weeks- but you couldn’t linger on it too long, as he continued talking outside.

“…Yeah, she still has no idea.”

A grin spread across your face before you could stop it. He was definitely talking about you.

“…I owe you one, man.” He paused, then let out a laugh, “Yeah… okay, I’ll see you in a bit.”

The call ended, and your eyes widened. See you… in a bit?

Your brain immediately started putting pieces together, and your stomach fluttered.

There was absolutely no way…

You hurriedly picked your mascara back up, trying to look as though you’d never stopped getting ready, and a second later, the balcony door slid open. Noah stepped back inside, slipping his phone into his pocket.

“Everything alright?” he asked casually.

You looked at him through the mirror.

“Mhm.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.” You popped the p. 

He narrowed his eyes ever so slightly.

“…You’re smiling.”

“I’m always smiling!”

He folded his arms, a suspicious smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

“…How much of that did you hear?”

You widened your eyes innocently.

“Nothing!”

“Uh huh.” He nodded his head slowly, like he didn’t believe you. 

“I was doing my makeup.”

“Were you now?”

“I was.”

He took a slow step closer.

“So you definitely didn’t hear any of that?”

“Well, I might’ve heard… a name.”

“And?”

“And…” You smiled sweetly. “…I still have no idea where we’re going.”

That wasn’t entirely true anymore, you weren’t completely certain, but you had a feeling that Noah’s surprise was about to rock your world. (*get it? bmth reference? heh)

…

“You ready?” Noah glanced over as you slid your rings onto your fingers.

You looked at yourself in the mirror one last time.

Your black jeans fit you perfectly, your chunky boots peeking out just enough at the bottom. The leather lace up top you’d picked with Noah earlier sat perfectly, showing just enough skin to make you feel confident and sexy without feeling too exposed. Necklaces were layered around your neck, rings decorated almost every finger, and your hair fell exactly how you’d hoped after spending nearly an hour styling it.

You actually felt cool, and very pretty. 

Noah looked stupidly hot as always. In all black, as always. He wore his black jeans with the cut outs, that made you bite your lip wherever he turned around and wonder what’s he doing with all that ass? He wore his black boots too, with his fitted black tshirt beneath a lightweight jacket.

Then, as you stepped towards the door, he reached for his favourite sunglasses, putting them on despite the evening sun beginning to set, followed by a black baseball cap that hid most of his hair.

Once he was ready, he reached over, taking your hand.

“C’mon. The cabs waiting for us.” 

It was only a short drive to the venue from the hotel. You were going to argue, and tell Noah you could’ve just walked… but you weren’t sure just how easily recognisable he’d be to the fans if you were going to see a band he has toured with in the past. 

So instead, you sat tucked against his side in the back seat while city passed by the window. And when you looked outside, you noticed the streets were getting busier. There were groups of people dressed in black band shirts, all walking in the same direction.

Your heart began beating a little faster, and when you looked back at Noah, you could tell he was trying very hard not to smile.

The taxi finally stopped outside a huge arena, and you climbed out first, completely astounded by just how many people were lined up outside. Instead of joining the enormous queue, though, Noah gently placed a hand on the small of your back, and kept his head down as he led you away. 

“This way.”

You frowned.

“But the entrance is over there.” You pointed. 

“Not ours.”

“What do you mean?”

He simply smiled.

“C’mon. You'll see.”

He led you around the side of the building, where there were no crowds, and it seemed strangely quiet. A large metal security gate stood ahead, and before you even reached it, one of the security guards smiled.

“Hey, Noah! Wasn’t expecting to see you tonight.”

“Hey, man.” Noah nodded, taking his sunglasses off.

The guard unclipped the barrier to let you through.

“Good to see you again.”

“You too.”

He knew the security? Shit, were you still underestimating this guy?

You followed Noah through the gate, trying not to look completely bewildered, but then another member of staff approached almost immediately.

“Oh, yhere you are.” She smiled. “Thought you’d be here a little earlier.”

“We got a little held up.” Noah explained.

“No worries.” The staff member looked towards you and smiled. “You must be Noah’s plus one.”

Your eyebrows lifted.

“…Uh…”

Before you could answer, Noah smiled and nodded his head.

“She is.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

She handed Noah two laminated passes attached to black lanyards. He slipped one over his own head before turning towards you.

“Head down for me.”

You obeyed, and he carefully lifted your hair out of the way before placing the pass around your neck. His fingers brushed lightly against the back of your neck as he adjusted it, making you shiver.

“There.”

You looked down, and were met with the bold letters reading, ALL ACCESS and your eyes widened.

“Noah?”

He just smiled.

“What?”

“I…” You looked back at the pass. “…All access?”

“Yep.”

Your heart started racing again, but he took your hand, and started to lead you as if he knew this place like the back of his hand. 

“This way.”

The two of you walked through another set of doors, then another. The corridors felt endless, people hurried past carrying guitars, lighting equipment and flight cases. Someone walked by wearing a headset, speaking into a radio, and another person nodded at Noah as they passed.

“Hey, man.”

“Hey.”

It felt busy, but rather organised. You even found yourself moving a little closer to Noah as everything rushed around you. 

“Nervous?” He asked softly, his hand coming around to rest on your hip. 

“A little.”

He smiled reassuringly.

“I’ve got you.”

You nodded.

“I know.”

He gave your hip a gentle squeeze. 

“I’m just wondering… I was gonna go find some of the guys, just to say hi, see how things are going. You can come with me if you want, I don’t mind at all, or if you’d rather we just go find our seats-“

You opened your mouth, then closed it again. Not knowing how to say it without sounding ungrateful. 

“Can I be honest?”

He smiled immediately.

“I’d rather you always were.”

You laughed quietly, looking down at the floor.

“I'm just starting to feel a little anxious.”

His expression softened.

“Too many people?”

“A little. It’s just a lot… and,” You rubbed your thumb against your lanyard. “I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

“You won’t.”

“What if I do?”

He tilted his head.

“What are you imagining?”

You let out an embarrassed laugh.

“I don’t know… saying something stupid. Tripping over. Passing out.”

He chuckled.

“I don’t think you’re going to pass out.”

“You don’t know that! I’ve never met people like this before!”

He raised an eyebrow.

“People like what?” He asked. 

“You know…” You waved your hands, trying to find the right word. “Rockstars?”

His eyebrows lifted.

“…Baby.” He chuckled, shaking his head. 

“What?”

“You live with one.”

You couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re different.” You smirked.

“Am I?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

You thought about it for a second.

“I forget you’re famous.” You said, and he smiled to himself. “I just see… Noah.”

For a moment, he looked strangely touched by that. Then you sighed.

“And besides, I know Motionless are opening tonight.”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve always had a tiny crush on Ricky.” You confessed with another gentle sigh. 

Noah slowly turned his head towards you, staying completely silent for a moment before asking,

“Ricky?”

You nodded innocently.

“The guitar player?” He asked.

“That’s the one.”

He stared at you for another second before letting out the most dramatic sigh imaginable.

“I bring you backstage, I organise this big surprise…” He placed a hand over his heart. “…And you’re thinking about another man?!”

“I’m not thinking about another man! I said I used to have a little crush.”

“Oh.” He nodded gravely. “That’s much better.”

“It was years ago! I haven’t even listened to them since… pfft, 2018?”

He looked unconvinced.

“I don’t know…”

You nudged his arm.

“Oh, c’mon, don’t be so dramatic.”

“I’m devastated, baby." He frowned dramatically, pulling you in closer to him until you were chest to chest. 

The teasing eased the heaviness that had settled on your chest, and you felt yourself breathe a little easier- which Noah clearly noticed. 

“Better?”

“Yeah.” You nodded, a smile tugging at your lips. 

“Good.” He nodded down the corridor. “C’mon, let’s go find our seats.”

You took a couple of steps before stopping.

“Actually...”

He turned back.

“What?”

“If you want to go and say hi to everyone… I don’t want you feeling like you can’t just because of me.”

“I wouldn’t.” He insisted

“I know.” You smiled. “But you’ve got friends here. People you probably haven’t seen in months or years.”

He looked at you carefully.

“Then what would you do?” He asked.

“I could just…” You shrugged. “…Wait in the seats?”

His eyebrows drew together.

“By yourself?”

“I don’t mind.”

“You sure?”

You nodded.

“I don’t know anyone here, not personally.” You laughed quietly. “And I'd feel a bit awkward just… standing beside you while everyone catches up. I’d feel like I’m in the way.”

He was quiet for a moment, then he stepped closer, frowning. 

“You’d never be in the way, baby. They’d all be happy to meet you.”

“I know.” You shook your head. 

“But?” He raised an eyebrow, and you let out a long sigh.

“I think I’d be more comfortable if you just… got to be Noah for a little bit without me. Go be a guy with the rest of the guys!”

He looked at you with a softness that almost made your heart ache.

“I appreciate you thinking about that.” He tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear. “But I’m not leaving you on your own”

His thumb brushed gently across your cheek, and you shook your head. 

”You’re not.” You said, “You don’t have to babysit me.”

“I’m not.”

“Then what are you doing?”

He smiled, then nodded as if to say okay…

“I’m taking my girl to her seat,” His hand found yours again. “Then, if you’re happy and settled with a drink and some snacks…” A playful smile tugged at his lips. “Then I’ll disappear for ten minutes, say hello to everyone, and come straight back.”

“…Ten minutes?” You smirked. 

“I promise.”

“You won’t get caught talking?”

“I probably will, but I’ll tell them someone’s waiting for me.”

Your stomach fluttered.

“Someone special?” You teased, remembering what you had heard over the phone. And he smiled without a hint of teasing this time.

“Exactly.” He kissed your forehead, “And if I see Ricky back there, I’m telling him-”

“No, Noah!” You laughed. “You’re not telling him anything!”

“What? He deserves to know that he missed his chance.” Noah grinned.

“Oh my god...” You shook your head. 

He grinned, clearly pleased with himself now. Then you let him lace his fingers through yours, and he led you further down another corridor then up some stairs, then down another corridor. You had no idea where you were being taken to, but eventually, you ran into another member of staff, who smiled the moment he recognised Noah.

“Evening, Noah.”

“Hey.”

The staff member scanned both of your passes before pushing the door open.

“Enjoy the show, man.”

“Thanks.”

You stepped through the door first, and immediately gasped.

“Wow…”

The room was beautiful. It wasn’t enormous, but there was plenty of space. In the middle of the room was a leather couch, and behind it was a table already laid out with drinks and bowls of snacks. Then you stepped over to the balcony, where there were seats that overlooked the stage. 

“Is this just for us?” You asked, and Noah nodded his head, a smile tugging at his lips as he took in how amazed you were at something that felt so simple to him. 

You held onto the railing as you looked over the balcony.

“No way...”

Thousands of people were slowly filling the arena below, and you couldn’t believe how close the stage was. 

“Noah,” You turned to him, your eyes wide. “This is incredible.”

“I thought you’d like it.” He said simply. 

“I thought we were gonna be somewhere at the back.”

He laughed.

“Not a chance… it's better here. Better view, better seats, more privacy.” 

You didn't know quite how to express your gratitude, besides a simple,

“Thank you.”

He shrugged almost bashfully.

“I wanted tonight to be special.”

“It already is…” You smiled softly... then you suddenly reached for your bag. “Oh! I should get a picture for Tom!” You grinned as you pulled your phone out of your bag. 

“Want me to get one of you?” He asked, and for a moment you thought about it… then you shook your head. 

“No.” You grinned, “You need to be in it too.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Me?”

You nodded your head. 

“Besides the dirty ones on your phone, I don't think we have any pictures together.”

He chuckled.

“Fair point.”

He wandered over, and crouched down a little as he stood beside you.

“Ready?”

“Yep.”

You lifted your phone again, stretching your arm out.

“Smile.”

“I am smiling.”

“You don’t look like it. Smile harder.”

He rolled his eyes dramatically before softening into a genuine smile.

“There… perfect!” 

You grinned at the screen, taking a couple pictures, and just as you went to press the button a third time, you felt soft lips press against your cheek.

You put your phone back downa nd instantly tapped on the photo, and felt your cheeks start to burn. It looked quite romantic, his lips on your skin, your smile, his eyes closed, the lights from the arena behind you. 

“Send those to me.” He said as he straightened up and gently tapped your hip. “We look cute.” 

You stared at it for another second.

“Yeah…” You smiled to yourself. “We do.”

You quickly sent the picture to Noah, deciding you won’t tell Tom until after it’s over. So you slipped your phone into your bag, and when you looked back up, Noah was already watching you with that soft look on his face. 

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Hmm…” You narrowed your eyes, unconvinced. 

But he just smiled. 

“I was just wondering if you’re still okay with me disappearing for a few minutes.”

You looked around your little private box again- at the sofa, the drinks and snacks, the stage… and you smiled. 

“Yeah, of course.”

“You sure?”

You nodded your head, and he gently pulled you closer. 

“If at any point you want me back, just text me.”

“I will.” You smiled. 

“And if Ricky somehow finds his way up here, tell him to back off.”

You burst out laughing.

“Oh my god, Noah.”

“I need to cover all possibilities, baby.” He smirked, then leaned down and kissed your forehead, his arms wrapping around you. “I won’t be long.”

“I know.” 

He gave you one last squeeze before stepping back. 

“I’ll make sure I’m back before the lights go down.”

“That’s okay.”

He gave you one last smile, then he turned and disappeared through the door. Then after it clicked shut behind him, you were left alone in a private box in a huge arena…

You slowly turned back towards the stage, just trying to take it all in. The crowd was growing by the minute, the seats were starting to fill out, and the sound of chattering filled the silence Noah left behind. 

You smiled to yourself.

This was your life now.

A month ago, you were worrying your landlord was going to kick you out because you were behind on rent, you’d been counting tips at the end of every shift, wondering if you’d have enough left over after bills to treat yourself to takeout. And now, you were standing in a private suite at a sold out arena, with an all access pass, all because… you weren’t really sure. Was it because he liked the way you made his coffee, was it because he felt sorry for you… or was it deeper than that?

You shook your head, trying to shake the thought away, knowing Noah wouldn’t want you to think that. So instead, you put your bag down on the couch and picked up a water bottle, and waited for Noah to come back. 

…

The first opener was amazing, you had never heard of them before, but you were blown away. God, you’d forgotten how much you loved the feeling of being at a show. 

You found yourself nodding along, not knowing any of the words, your drink forgotten on the little table beside you as Noah silently watched you more than he watched the performance.

“You like them?”

“Yeah, they’re so good!”

“I thought you would.”

Between the songs he’d tell you little things about the bands, “They’re from Australia”, “They’ve been touring nonstop”, “I wrote with their guitarist a couple of years ago”, “I’m in a group chat with the vocalist…” 

You’d look at him in awe every single time.

“You just know everyone.”

He laughed.

“It’s a small world.”

Noah teased you relentlessly while Motionless were on the stage, every time Ricky did something he’d make a comment, “Hey, did you just see what your boyfriend did?”, “Isn’t your boyfriend such a great singer?”, “Fuck, I wish I was as talented as your boyfriend.” 

You rolled your eyes, nudging him with your elbow, or groaning dramatically. But he loved seeing you react, he couldn’t help but laugh. 

Then eventually, the giant backdrop changed, and it’s like the stage grew bigger. Crew members walked out with more equipment and started putting things into places. You leaned over the balcony railing, watching it all happen. 

Then, after a little while, the lights all went out again. The suspense made you giddy as you squeezed Noah’s hand. 

“Oh my god!!” You yelped, then music began playing, and after another moment… “There they are!” 

Noah looked over at you just in time to see the biggest grin spread across your face.

“Happy?”

“So happy!” You beamed. 

The entire show was just unbelievable, you didn’t have a better word for it. The lights and the visuals, the crowd singing along to every word. Even from your private balcony, you could feel the energy radiating off the audience below.

You were even dancing and singing along, which made Noah smirk. 

“I didn’t know you knew all the words.”

“I know enough.” You laughed. 

Then, a few songs later you found yourself leaning on the railing, watching the mosh pit.

“You know, I actually saw them once before.” You said as you sat back in your seat.

“Oh yeah?”

“Mhm, a few years ago.” You said, then hesitated before adding, “With my ex.” 

Noah’s expression stayed calm.

“How was it?”

You snorted.

“Well, it was going really well…” He already knew from your tone that there was a story coming. “…Until he decided jumping into the mosh pit was a brilliant idea. He got into a fight, and came back with a bloody nose because apparently somebody shoved him.”

Noah stared at you for a moment before shaking his head.

“…Fucking idiot.”

You burst out laughing.

“I know! That’s what I said.” 

Noah just shook his head. 

“You go to a concert where everyone’s pushing each other… then gets angry because someone pushed him?”

“That’s just the kind of person he was.” You sighed. “I remember spending most of the night worrying about him.”

Noah looked at you for a second, then he gently brushed his fingers against yours.

“I’m glad tonight’s different.”

“So am I.” You smiled. 

Another song came to an end, and you caught Noah glancing towards the side of the stage, then checking the time on his phone. 

“…Hey.”

“Hm?” You looked up. 

“I’ve just got to disappear for a minute.”

You frowned.

“Now?”

“I’ll be right back.” He smiled reassuringly. “I promise.”

You looked at him curiously.

“…Is everything okay?” You asked. 

He just nodded your head and pressed a kiss to your temple.

“Yeah. Enjoy this one.”

Then without another word, he left again. You frowned when the door shut behind him. That was weird… 

Your mind immediately betrayed you. Was it because I mentioned my ex? Did I upset him? You shook your head. Don’t be ridiculous.

Still, you couldn’t help but glance towards the door every few moments. He’s taking his time, you thought. Another song finished and he still hadn’t returned. 

It’s probably nothing. He might’ve just got stopped by a fan, if anyone recognised him. But your attention was brought back to the stage again when Oli stepped up to the microphone. 

“Alright…” The crowd quietened. “We’ve got a little surprise tonight.”

The crowd wooo’d so loud before he even finished his sentence, and you grinned, wondering what it could be. 

Then your face dropped as a figure dressed entirely in black stepped out.

Your heart stopped, and the crowd screamed so loudly, but you couldn’t hear a thing. 

Because Noah just walked out on to the stage with a microphone in his hand. 

You stumbled as you rose to your feet to get a better view. Oli walked over with a huge grin, throwing an arm around Noah’s shoulders before saying something into the microphone that was lost beneath twenty thousand people screaming.

He hadn’t left because he was upset. He hadn’t left because of your ex. He’d left because he was about to walk onto one of the biggest stages in the country, and didn’t even think to let you know?!

You couldn’t stop smiling. He looked so fucking good out there, and he completely blew you away with his singing and screaming… he was really good. 

You didn’t feel like you were in your own body while he was performing, it all felt like a dream, until the door to the suite opened a couple of minutes later.

Noah stepped inside, slightly out of breath, a little flushed from the performance, his hair messier than before. He barely had time to smile.

“Hey, baby-”

You rushed across the room in three quick steps, and your hands caught either side of his face. Then you kissed him, hard. Full of adrenaline and excitement- you could still hear the crowd as he laughed softly into the kiss, one arm wrapping around your waist to steady you.

When you finally pulled back, you were almost breathless. 

“That.” You pointed a finger at him. “…Was the hottest thing I have ever seen in my life.”

His eyebrows lifted.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t act humble, Noah.” You narrowed your eyes on him, “You walked out in front of thousands of people… and you looked like…” You searched for the words before simply giving up. “…You looked like a rock star!”

He couldn’t help but smirk.

“I am one.”

“Oh, shut up.” You shook your head, making him laugh. “Here I was thinking you left because I upset you-”

His expression softened immediately, and interrupted you. 

“What?”

You paused for a moment, chewing on your lip. 

“When you left, I thought maybe it was because I mentioned my ex… I thought I annoyed you.”

His face fell.

“Oh, sweetheart.” His hands found yours. “Not even for a second.”

“I know that now.”

…

There were only a few songs left, and somehow each one felt better than the last. And now, every time Oli wandered near the side of the stage, you’d grin to yourself.

“You were just down there…” You whispered to Noah halfway through another song.

“I know.”

“It’s still so crazy to me.”

“You’ll get used to it.” Noah smiled, patting your thigh. But you didn’t think you ever would. 

When the final song ended, confetti cannons exploded over the crowd, and for one last time, the crowd went crazy. You found yourself clapping until your hands hurt, and as the lights slowly came back up, you turned to Noah.

“This might’ve actually been one of the best nights of my life.”

His smile softened as he stood up, offering his hand to you. 

“I’m really glad.”

“Thank you.” You said after a moment, and he squeezed your fingers.

“I wanted to do something special… and after the week you’ve had, I hope it was worth it.”

“It really was.”

The two of you lingered there for another minute, watching as thousands of people slowly began filing towards the exits.

Your ears were ringing, and your heart was racing, yet you felt like you could run a marathon with the adrenaline that was coursing through you. 

“So,” Noah smiled as he picked up his jacket. “You ready to head back to the hotel?”

You nodded your head. 

“But I’m way too awake to go to bed anytime soon.”

He laughed.

“Yeah, I don’t think either of us are sleeping just yet.”

Still buzzing with adrenaline, you walked hand in hand, following him back through the quiet corridors, the echoes of the concert still ringing in your ears.

You left through the back, the same way you came in, and there was already a driver waiting to take you back to the hotel. And even in the back seat of the car, you were still buzzing, and you couldn’t stop talking. 

“I still can’t believe you did that.”

Noah smiled to himself from beside you in the back of the cab.

“I know.”

“No, seriously.” You laughed. “I thought you were annoyed, then suddenly you’re on the stage!?”

He chuckled.

“Was I good though?”

You laughed, resting your head against the seat.

“Yes! And oh my god, you were so hot.”

He looked sideways at you over the top of his sunglasses that he slipped back on before leaving. 

“Still thinking about that?”

“I can’t stop thinking about it.”

His smile widened.

“I don’t think you’ve ever kissed me like that before.”

“Can you blame me? I didn’t know you sounded like… that!”

He frowned playfully.

“…That?”

“You were screaming and growling! And doing those… those monster noises!”

He burst out laughing.

“‘Monster noises?’”

“You know what I mean!”

“Yeah, I do those.” He he chuckled. 

“I had no idea!”

He couldn’t stop smiling now.

“Well, you’ve never asked.”

“I didn’t know there was anything to ask! I always thought you’d like to keep me and your work separate…”

His face softened. 

“Why’d you think that?”

You shrugged, not really wanting to talk about that right now, after having such fun tonight. So you decided to change the subject. 

“I was wondering, when you go on tour…”

“Yes?”

“Can I…” You hesitated. “…Can I come and see you at a show?”

“You just did.” He smirked. 

“I know, but…” You smiled shyly. “I wanna see one of your own shows. I know I’ll be working most of the time, but if there’s ever one near enough-”

He reached across the seat and took your hand.

“Sweetheart.”

“Hm?”

“It’s already sorted.”

“…What?” You asked. 

“You’re on the guest list, there’s a couple dates where you’re not working, so I sorted it out.”

“You already planned it?”

“I haven’t booked plane tickets or anything yet because I didn’t know if you’d want to come out and see me… but yeah.”

Your heart squeezed in your chest.

“So if you want to come” He squeezed your hand. “There’ll be tickets waiting for you.”

You stared at him.

“You really thought about all of that?”

“Of course I did.” He said like it was obvious, like there had never been another option. “I want you there.”

You smiled so hard your cheeks hurt.

“I’d love that.” You said, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

…

By the time you reached the hotel, neither of you had really come down from the adrenaline. You were still giggling in the elevator, replaying moments from the show, teasing Noah about how you’ve never heard so many women squeal the way they did when he appeared on the stage. He simply rolled his eyes, and teased you back just as much, making comments about Ricky again. 

Them the elevator doors opened, and you wandered down the corridor towards your room. You waited just outside the door as Noah patted his pockets down for the key card, before holding it open for you. 

And the moment the door shut behind you, you kicked your boots off with a groan.

“Why do my feet hurt so much if we were sitting for most of it?”

“Was it worth it, though?” Noah smirked. 

“So worth it.”

Then you glanced down at yourself. Your leather top was sticking to your skin, the necklaces were starting to feel claustrophobic and you rubbed at your eye, completely forgetting about your makeup. 

“I feel disgusting.” You groaned. 

Noah chuckled as he tossed his cap onto the dresser.

“You’re still beautiful to me, baby.” 

You side eyed him as if to say yeah right. 

“I think I need a shower.”

“Then take a shower.”

You looked up.

“You’d be okay with that?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” He walked over, gently brushing a strand of hair away from your face. “Go, take your time, sweetheart.”

“You don’t mind waiting?”

“I’ve got nowhere else to be.” He smiled, kissing your forehead.

You smiled back at him.

“…Okay. And when I get out,” a little cheeky smirk spread across your face, “Do you think we can test out that new toy?”

Noah smirked, sitting back on the bed. 

“Of course we can.” He spread his legs out slightly. 

You nodded and reached for your little wash bag before disappearing into the bathroom, already looking forward to washing away the sweat and makeup from the evening.

As the door clicked shut behind you, Noah let out a quiet breath and smiled to himself. Tonight had gone exactly the way he’d hoped… but you didn’t know he had one last surprise in store. 

You showered in peace, not rushing yourself as you washed off the sweat and makeup, until you finally felt clean. 

You stepped out and reached for a towel, wrapping it around yourself before turning to the sink to do your skincare. You could picture Noah on the bed already, laying back in just a pair of grey sweats or black shorts, scrolling on his phone or switching through the channels on the TV. 

You were smiling to yourself, thinking about how nice the evening had been, then you pushed open the bathroom door and stepped into the bedroom. 

Then you immediately stopped in your tracks. 

Holy shit.

In front of you, on the bed, Noah was lying there completely naked. Well, completely naked besides the black ski mask that was pulled over his face, leaving only his eyes and mouth visible. 

His tattoos were on full display across his body, standing out against the white bedding. One arm was tucked casually behind his head, looking so relaxed and confident… while his other hand held the wand vibrator you had bought this morning. He was slowly dragging the rounded head of the toy along the length of his thick, hard cock that rested against his lower stomach. 

Fuck, he looked so powerful, and almost a little intimidating…

The moment he noticed you in the doorway, his eyes met yours through the mask, and a slow, predatory smirk tugged at his mouth. You felt your breath catch, you couldn’t even think straight as heat flooded between your thighs. 

At first, Noah didn't move. He just kept slowly dragging the vibrating head along his cock, and down to his balls, watching you with dark, hungry eyes. 

“Hi, princess,” he said, his voice low and a little teasing. “Took you long enough.”

He gave his cock another slow stroke with the toy, letting you watch it drag over every inch of him. The way he was was touching himself so casually while wearing nothing but the mask made your stomach flutter, and you swallowed hard, trying so hard to stop your head from spinning. 

Noah tilted his head a little, his eyes dragging over your body.

“Drop the towel, sweet girl,” he said softly, but there was no mistaking the command in his tone. “I want to see you.”

You stood there for a second, your heart racing, your brain turning to mush- and Noah’s smirk just grew.

“C’mon, don’t get shy on me now, baby. You bought this toy for me… so I could use it on you. Come here and get on the bed.”

He spread his legs a little wider, making the view even more obscene- his hard cock, the buzzing vibrator, the mask, the tattoos, all of it on full display as he waited for you.

“I’ve been thinking about this since you handed it to me earlier, I can’t believe you went out and got this without me even having to ask…” He said, before a low groan slipped his lips. “Now get on this bed and let me show you how I reward my good girl.”

continue...

・┈・୨୧・┈・

When they step into the house, she freezes for a moment, letting her gaze sweep across the space. The furniture, the walls, the way sunlight hits the living room window, this is his home, but it isn’t just his anymore. He takes her hand, guiding her through the rooms, encouraging her to touch things, to imagine her belongings in the spaces, to see it as hers too. They go to the store where she picks out throw pillows, a blanket, a few little decorative items that feel like fingerprints of herself. Nick watches with a soft, quiet pride, loving the way her creativity spills into the corners of the home, marking it hers without erasing any part of his own world. 

He even surprises her with a small office nook, tucked into a corner of his study. A desk, supplies, and a stack of canvases, all set up for her to unleash her creativity whenever she wants. Her eyes widen, a laugh catching in her throat. “You did all this for me?” she whispers, her voice thick with emotion. 

“Of course,” he says simply, brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “This is our home now, so I wanted you to have your creative space too.” 

Then he brings out the sphinx cat, wearing the ridiculous little sweater she had joked about when he talked her down back in her hometown, and she loses it. Tears fall freely. Noah, who had come over to help carry some boxes, mutters under his breath, “Looks like an angry old lady.” Y/N can barely breathe through her laughter and sobs, clutching the cat to her chest, whispering about how perfect he is. Nick simply holds her, lets her cry into his chest, his hands tracing small, soothing circles on her back. 

Sundays become their ritual. Flowers show up at the doorstep, bright and deliberate, every week without fail. Nick and Y/N spend the afternoon arranging them together, debating what looks best in a vase, laughing over ridiculous debates about colors and shapes. Later, the boys come over and the house fills with the easy chaos of board games, video games, shared meals, and laughter. Their spouses join too, and Y/N finds herself slipping into the group naturally, teasing, laughing, sharing stories, becoming a part of this chosen family that’s just as fierce and protective as Nick himself. 

One night, they’re lying in bed. The room is dim, only the city lights bleeding through the curtains. Nick’s voice is soft, melodic, far better than that horrid bar serenade, singing to her low and slow. His fingertips trace up and down her arm, tiny, deliberate touches that anchor her in the present. She presses closer, feeling the safety in his arms, and then she can’t stop herself. Tears fall, sliding down her cheeks. 

Nick freezes immediately, heart tightening. “Y/N? Baby? What’s wrong?” he asks gently, concern filling his voice. She struggles for words. Finally, it comes out in small, broken bursts, tears spilling with each phrase. She tells him how safe she feels for the first time in her life. How she thought a life like this existed only in the fantasies she scribbled in notebooks or sang into her pillow at 2 a.m. How she never imagined meeting someone who could hold the storm inside her without flinching, someone who would meet her chaos with warmth and strength. She talks about the family she found in his friends, the way they opened their arms and welcomed her without question. She never thought walls could fall like this, never imagined someone could tear them down so gently. 

Nick listens, tracing her tears with his thumbs, pressing kisses to her hair, her temple, her cheek. “I’m here,” he murmurs. “I’ve got you. All of you. Every storm, every laugh, every piece you think is too much, I’ll take it. And I’ll keep taking it, every day.” 

She buries her face in his chest, sobbing quietly now, the weight of her past melting against the present. The apartment, the laughter, the small rituals, the way he keeps showing her she belongs, it all becomes a tangible reality. For the first time, she knows what it means to be truly seen, to be loved completely, to be home. 

In that moment, tangled together, tears and laughter mixing, she understands that the fairytales she dreamed of weren’t wrong; they just weren’t the version they convince you about. Hers was rewritten in the form of a career, a chaotic group of friends, and a man who would hold her through every storm. The city hums quietly beyond the windows, and somewhere deep inside, her heart finally feels like it has a place to rest. 

Nick kisses the top of her head, soft and reverent. “Thank you,” he says. “For letting me behind the walls.”  

She looks up at him, placing her hand gently on his cheek. “Thank you for never stopping to get over them.” He kisses her softly. In a way that feels as if he’s too rough, too fast, it’ll break the moment.  

The world felt lighter than it ever had. Not because the past disappeared but because it finally stopped fully owning her. The weight she’d been carrying for as long as she could remember loosened its grip, just enough for her to breathe without bracing for impact. 

Every step that led her here suddenly made sense. 

Every night spent staring at a ceiling wondering what she’d done wrong. 

Every scream swallowed because it was safer that way. 

Every hit, every cruel word, every time her dignity was stripped away by the very hands and voices that were supposed to protect her from the world instead of teaching her how dangerous it could be. 

It all lined up, painfully, perfectly, like a road she never would’ve chosen, but somehow still walked. 

And lying there with Nick, wrapped in his arms, listening to his steady breathing and feeling the quiet certainty of his presence, she realizes something that makes her chest ache in a way that isn’t painful. 

She survived the things that should have killed her.

Because here she is. Loved. Safe. Wanted without conditions. Held without fear. Seen without having to perform or prove or shrink herself down into something manageable. 

She thinks about the girl she used to be; the one who sat on bridges and begged the universe for a sign that it would get better. The one who dreamed of safety like it was some fictional luxury meant for other people. The one who learned how to take hits and keep going because stopping meant breaking. 

She wishes she could go back and tell her: 

Hold on. You don’t know it yet, but someone is coming. Not to save you, because you already learned how to save yourself, but to stand beside you and never let go. 

And the thought hits her so hard it steals the air from her lungs: 

She would do it all again. 

Every bruise. 

Every humiliation. 

Every piece of herself that had been taken, crushed, rewritten by cruelty. 

She would walk through hell barefoot if she knew Nick was waiting on the other side. 

Because he didn’t just give her love, he gave her choice. He gave her a home where she didn’t have to flinch, a future that didn’t feel like a trap, a family that didn’t come with conditions or consequences. He loved her loudly when she needed reassurance and quietly when the noise in her head got too loud. 

He didn’t try to fix her. 

He didn’t ask her to be less. 

He just opened his arms and let her exist inside them. 

Her fingers curl into the blanket as emotion swells in her chest, grief for what she lost, gratitude for what she found, awe at the fact that she made it here at all. 

For the first time in her life, she doesn’t feel like she’s bracing for the next disaster. 

She feels grounded. 

Like the universe finally stopped testing her and started rewarding her for surviving it. 

Nick shifts slightly, instinctively pulling her closer, kissing the top of her head again. She closes her eyes and lets herself believe it fully: 

Every moment that brought her here was worth it. 

Because at the end of all that pain, all that darkness, all that fighting just to exist 

There was him. 

The future doesn’t scare her anymore. 

The future finally feels like home. 

Tag List:

Folio lets you sit in the garage with him for all of 5 minutes before he starts asking you for help. Namely just handing him stuff but god is he impatient. 

“For fucks sake Folio. How do you do this alone?” you try to ask it as a logical thought but your tone matches his. Now you’re both frustrated in the garage, even if just playfully. 

His grease covered hand reaches up and grabs yours. With a little yank, he positions your arm where he needs the flashlight to shine, leaving your wrist streaked with grease when he pulls back his hand. 

“Ew Nick!” 

“You’re going to get gross anyways,” He says it like it’s already settled. It is in its way. You like helping him so you’ll do it.  “Your hands should be able to reach a few bolts that I need help changing.”

“Why don’t you ask Sara for help with those?” 

Your arm feels sore holding the flashlight so still, you hold your breath to steady yourself a bit longer. If the only concern you have staying with Folio is a little forced labor, that’s something you can accept. He also gave the keys to a project cart earlier with the promise, “Someone will get you if it breaks down.” Not very comforting but a car is a car. 

“She only helps me once a week. The rest of the time she just sits out here and reads to me.”

You can’t help but smile at him, the idea of it warms your heart. “That’s the cutest fucking thing.” 

“I know.” 

After the longest few minutes of your life, he climbs out from under the motorcycle and stands beside you. “Ok, you see that red tubing there?” he points as though it should be as obvious as the sky. 

“Sure,” you answer. Not a fucking clue. You see red but you’re unsure if it's the right red. 

“You’re going to take this wrench, untwist the second bolt to the left, and then get it out.”

“You know most people just watch TV for entertainment.”

“If you want to go watch movies, call Noah. See how that goes.” Folio teases and holds a wrench out towards you.

You laugh, yanking it out of his hand, “You’re an asshole.”

“I’m kidding,” he holds the flashlight now, watching you as your arm squeezes into the small space easily. It's a tight squeeze as you position your hand. “No, not that one. Perfect!”

You feel the screw release and then stick your hand in the space to unscrew it easier. 

“Are you going to see him?” 

“I don’t know,” you mutter a few swear words as you struggle to reach. Your arm is slender enough for the space but not long enough. “I feel bad because I’ve made time for everyone else but him.”

“You can go to their place on Saturday.”

Jesse invited you to a get together for the release of his recent project. You’ve actually gotten a surprising amount of texts from people here. Even when Folio mentioned to them that you are staying a bit longer. 

“I don’t know,” you tuck your arm back into the space. 

It’s just Jesse and Noah’s place, you know you can sit in the kitchen or outside the whole time. If you pop in and run quickly, it can all be over in just two hours. You enter a spiral of back and forth with yourself for the second time today. Good idea? Bad idea? There’s only one way to really know. 

“You should go,” Nick says.

“Maybe," you scrunch your nose at him, "But you and Sara aren’t going.”

He chuckles at you, “One outing won’t hurt. It’ll probably help you get rid of that pressure you’re feeling.”

Finally you feel the screw come loose. You roll it between your fingers, feeling the ridges dig lightly into your finger tips. Dropping the screw into his open palm, you both look down at it together. Looks like any other screw to you but Nick inspects it closely then realizes. “Fuck it’s the other one.” 

“See, I told you lefts and rights are hard!” 

“Can you put it back please?”

“No!” you laugh, already taking it back from his palm. 

__

That Sunday you wake up on Noah’s couch, replaying that same conversation you had with Nick. Nick made it sound like nothing. At that point, it felt like it would be nothing but it’s never just nothing anymore. Now there’s no question, this was a very bad idea from the start. 

Last night, you did not drink but Noah probably had enough for both of you. Truthfully, it feels like you’re the only one who paid for it. You stare at the stark white ceiling and hate Noah’s minimalism as the bright morning sun floods the living room. Whatever you should leave early anyways. 

You sit up, looking for water. Noah hands you a bottle from the floor, as though to show no ill will, a peace offering, to prove you’re still friends. You yank it from his hand.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, like a chastised child. 

You sit and wonder if it's a genuine apology or embarrassment that forces it out of him. The threat of you launching the bottle at him might have also gotten it out of him. 

“Just forget about it Noah,” you mutter, drinking deeply from the water bottle. Everything feels so dry; your eyes, your mouth, terribly dry.

Waking up like this makes you feel like you did back in the old days. The fucking crypt where Noah just hides away all the messy bits of himself. Insecurities. Pain. The shit he won’t tell anyone else because he knows you’re air tight. And you’re sitting here already assuming the normal ‘no big deal’ portion of it all. Spare him his guilt so he knows he’s already on the path to being forgiven. 

“I really am sorry,” he says again. 

You stare at him, he looks pitiful on the floor beside the couch. Last night he wouldn’t go anywhere else and you refused to sleep any other place. Noah drunk and you in a room? You can do basic math and know that’s a fucking mess in the making. He looks away from you this morning, the bravery from your time in Nicholas’ kitchen is clearly long gone. 

“It wasn’t appropriate to put you in that situation.” 

Rolling your eyes, you take a second gulp from the water bottle before handing it to him. You’re clearly trying to dismiss the incident but he seems to be caught on it. Noah isn’t typically this masochistic. At least not in this way. 

“You were drunk. Just leave it.” You're more direct now, letting him have the permission to just let you both stop dwelling on it. 

You don’t want to look at him, you don’t want to look at you, you don’t want to be here on this couch. For the first time in a week, you want to be back in your old apartment with boring Leo having some coffee and talking about the same shit you always do. He’ll read the news and comment on things like he even fucking cares and you’ll humm in agreement and things will just be boring. 

Instead, you lay back down on the couch with a groan. Who cares if Noah can hear it. He should know he caused it. He should fucking feel bad even if you tell him not to. You cover your face with both your hands, your finger tips press gently into your eyelids as you try to think about what exactly happened. 

__

Saturday night, you stand in the kitchen with Jesse, teasing him about his new album for a good while. It's a good release. One of your favorite's if you're truthful.

“Look, I understand you’re trying to ask the listener a philosophical question. You’re trying to unpack something or whatever but just spit it out Jesse!” you both laugh. “Always so wordy!”

“Not everything is meant to be so direct. Quit acting like you don’t have to put an abstract at the top of your shit just so people can figure out if it’s worth reading.” 

You both truly erupt in laughter. You’ve congratulated him properly, of course, but can’t let his ego get too inflated between the party and good reviews. 

Maybe it’s not having Leo, but you really feel like yourself tonight. The nerves from when you first arrived are quickly gone. Spending your time in the kitchen with friends and talking a bit of shit to Jesse, you feel relaxed. 

Drinks flow freely from the moment you got here but you just don’t feel in the mood. You take one shot with everyone as the last of the guests arrive and decide to stop there. By 10 pm, nobody is the wiser that you and a few others are not drinking, a cup of soda is plenty enough to divert any questions. 

It is about this time that you spot Noah outside with his friends. They’re illuminated by the warm light of the fire pit, you can’t fully see his face but you can see the way he’s been throwing back shots and the beer bottles gathering beside them. He’s wearing all black, his cool boy outfit as usual. You try not to dwell on it. He’s an adult and he’s celebrating too, he helped produce this album. 

It’s only once you see him taking a drag from something that you begin to genuinely worry. Whatever, he’s an adult, you remind yourself. The house is big enough to avoid it and you’re perfectly content standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, occasionally interjecting in a conversation with a quip or joke. You try to chase all other thoughts from your mind. 

A lot of the folks around you start to talk about the fall tour plans. Jesse will go out soon, taking a few of the group with him. Others will join Bad Omens, and some other smaller acts. It leaves you there thinking of all the loose ends in your life. It’s a weird feeling, endless possibilities with no clear path defined, it’s scary. There are some things that you can’t procrastinate on. For example, you need to eventually make your way home–or well the apartment you used to call home–to grab your things from Leo. Two weeks is a long time to drag your feet on that sort of thing.

Outside you hear your name being called loudly, suddenly remembering how loud Noah and Matt are together. You can’t even pretend not to hear them, half the kitchen now knows your name with the shouting.

“Can you get your friends?” you ask Jesse. You really don't want to walk into that.

He shakes his head, “They’re not going to stop for me."

He's right. Left with no other option, you take a deep breath and brace yourself. As you walk out side, you try to embrace the chaos, tossing your arms up for a hug, “Is that Dierkes? The Matthew Dierkes?”

Strong arms pull you close, you laugh as he picks you up just slightly. It’s still weird to see all the changes in them, the last time you saw him he felt like half a person. You give Noah a quick hug and a 'hey'. Noah struggles keeping the jealousy at bay. You've spent all night with Jesse, you make a big deal of Matt, and him? An unceremonious hug and a quick 'hey'.

“What’re you drinking? Need a refill?” Matt asks. 

“Coke,” you answer. 

“And rum? Whiskey?” 

“No, just soda,” you shake your head and double down.

“Be right back.” Matt promises before he goes inside to grab more drinks, leaving the two of you alone. 

“How are the interviews going?” 

From this distance you can see the flush in Noah’s face, it runs down his cheeks and paints them a light pink. He smiles at you, teetering despite standing still. 

“Good, I got a few second rounds here,” watching carefully as he seems to teeter again, you start to worry. It’s a whole lot of person to catch alone if he falls. It feels like Matt is taking a fucking lifetime for a soda. 

“So you’re moving back?”

“I don’t know,” you’re honest with him, “For the time being the plan is I go home next week and pack up my stuff from Leo’s. Then I don’t know. Maybe stay with Folio. Maybe stay out there. Depends.”

Noah’s jaw flexes at the mention of Leo. He doesn't even try to hide his disdain. The permanent drunken smile is gone. 

“We can pay for someone to do that.” You know he would too. He can be such a petty little shit. 

“No, Noah. I can do it,” you reassure not trying to end up indebted to him.

He looks ready to argue back but gets cut off.

“Shot time!” Matt calls from behind you.

Suddenly Matt’s long disappearance makes sense. There’s no second soda but Matt has somehow come back with a bottle of tequila. Noah takes a shot from him, you consider arguing with him that he shouldn't but you stay silent. You are not a babysitter. Instead, you watch as he downs it and half his cup as a chaser. Something about the sight makes you angry. Why would he tell you he doesn’t drink anymore then do shit like this?

“I’m going to run to the bathroom,” you excuse yourself with no intention to come back. You’re only halfway to the door before you hear the crash. You turn quickly and call, “Noah?” 

“He’s fine, just fell,” Matt looks positively pale when you see him. When you look at Noah, he looks dazed, watching blood run down his elbow. Of course, you remember in that moment, Matt can’t deal with the blood. It makes you queasy too but Matt is worse off. 

Noah is still on the floor, sitting on his ass. You cross the backyard quickly, worried about something worse.

“Did he hit his head?” you ask Matt as you stand between Noah’s legs. 

“No, no. Just fell over and hit the side of the fire pit,” Matt sits on the floor now too, trying to avoid the sight of blood. If it wasn’t happening to you, the whole thing would probably be hilarious.

Noah’s face tilts up to look at you, a drunk smile raises your blood pressure as you place your hands on either side of Noah's face. It’s clean, nothing there. He can't help but close his eyes, a content feeling as you run your fingers through his hair making sure there’s no bleeding. One final hand runs along the back of his neck and also comes out clean, thankfully. 

“Ok. Noah, do you think you can get up?”

Noah responds to your words with another little smile. You’re nowhere near strong enough to pick him up yourself. Bringing your lips between your teeth you start to think about what to do here.

Luckily, the shock of the fall begins to wear off and Noah moves on his own. Once he’s up, you grip his hips and push him inside the house, making sure the task at hand is not forgotten. The bleeding looks like it stopped but still you need to clean up that elbow.

He walks you further into the house to a second, less busy, bathroom. The loud thud of the toilet cover gets his attention and you sit him down there to look at injury in the better light. It’s not too bad, it’s a scrap but not much more.

“You spent all night with Jesse." It’s an observation but the tone says it’s so much more. He's trying not to be jealous, if that's what you want then, who's he to stop it?

When you don't answer, Noah’s free hand comes to your waist, looping his fingers into your belt loops, and pulling you closer between his legs. 

“Stop that.” Your voice is firm in a way that even scares you a little bit. “Have respect for Erin.” Suddenly you’re aware you haven’t seen her all night. 

“‘S‘s done.” he exhales a chuckle. The way he slurs a little makes you unsure if you heard him correctly. 

Shaking your head at him, you try to process what he’s saying to you. It’s difficult coupled with the anxiety of his fall. There’s an involuntary shake in your hand.

“What?”

“I broke up with her.” The way he speaks feels callous, he’d never say things like this sober.

“What? When?” 

“When you didn’t leave,” he shrugs, like it’s nothing. Truthfully, he feels like an idiot who blew up his life, waking up to empty beds again has thrown him into a tailspin. He drank today because between you in the kitchen and not having Erin’s hand in his, he feels beyond overwhelmed.

Mentally, you do the math. You only talked to Folio about staying longer three days ago. With the information filtered through Nick, that means it hasn’t been more than 2 days that Noah’s known. 

Your stomach sinks. You look at each other a moment longer. The ease with which he said it is irritating. You hate it. You hate yourself. Erin’s tears probably haven’t even dried and here he is with his damn hands playing around on the waistband of your jeans.

You run the sink and submerge your hands under the cold tap to ground yourself. The mirror over the bathroom sink shows a mess of a scene. Your face covered with anxiety and disgust and Noah leaning carefree against the toilet, his eyes closed.

What you don't know is he sits there wishing he still captured your attention the way Jesse had that night. Noah spent all night watching through the doors to the kitchen, wishing you would just come over. That maybe you’d would let him have the chance to make you laugh like Jesse had.

“Was Leo better than me? Was Jesse?” 

“Stop that. You wouldn’t be asking that if you were sober,” You don’t even know if that’s true but god do you hope so. Without the excuse of this drunken mess, you wouldn’t know how to make sense of this mess. It makes you nauseous as you try to take in everything.

“Do you like him more than me?” he stands now, taking a few steps towards you.

“Don’t ask me that.” There’s no need you both know the truth.

When you turn to face him, his hands find their way to your cheeks so naturally, he pulls your face up to his and leans down. Then he kisses you. The most simple, plain kiss in the world. The kind you might share without thinking, the kind you’ve shared before running out the house or coming home. There’s no need or want, just a ‘hello’. 

Careful not to react too strongly, you pull away. Noah’s emotions take front seat when he’s like this.

“You’re drunk,” you remind yourself as much as him.

"Is that why you kept your distance?" The question is genuine, like it’s the first time it’s crossed his mind that it’s a possibility.

"Yeah, actually," you admit it plainly. the frown on your face would have usually made him feel some shame but tonight, it only makes him wish he could kiss you again and make it disappear. “Where is the first aid kit? We need to get you cleaned up.”

“In the kitchen."

Of course it is. Without another word you leave and come back. You clean him up in record time, before finally applying the silliest space themed bandaid. You press your hand over the band aid to make sure it's well adhered. 

“Let’s go. Back out with you,” he sits on the edge of the tub and looks at you. 

“Just one kiss?” he asks. 

“Let’s go,” you don’t turn around to check if he’s following you. You simply leave the room. The worst he can do from there is sleep in the damn bathtub. 

By the time you and Noah make it back outside, half the party is gone and they’ve produced a bucket from some place and put it by Noah’s chair. It seems like they all know where this night is going for him. 

“Please just sit down, Noah,” Matt pleads once he makes it back outside. He still seems a little scared at the idea that Noah is still bleeding. Truthfully, now the idea is a little amusing. 

Noah doesn’t seem to care much about what Matt needs. He’s insistent on joining the two of you standing by the fire pit. It’s your last straw, you might actually kill him. Does he even realize that?

“Noah Sebastian Davis, sit down,” that does it. He settles in the chair, leaning back and beginning to doze off. 

“I haven’t seen him do this in years,” Matt admits, nervously scratching the back of his neck. 

“Do you think it’s because things ended with Erin?” 

Matt’s raised eyebrows let you know that wasn’t quite common knowledge. You could kick yourself, you should’ve known. Matt shakes his head. You might not be the closest of friends but you both know Noah enough that neither of you are surprised at the secrecy. 

Heat floods your chest, you hate making yourself feel so self important but the only other variable is increasingly clear, you sigh hoping that Matt will just be honest. 

“Does everyone just kind of know about…us at that time?” you feel yourself balling your hands and releasing them. it has always felt like such a secret. Noah always kind of used it as an excuse to keep things so lowkey.

The heat abruptly disappears when Matt answers, “Yeah.” 

“Have you guys always known?” It feels like you've been taken from the fire and straight into an ice bath. With all the events of the night, you feel lightheaded at this point.

Matt nods and gives you a tight lipped smile. “Noah would kinda just tell us. I thought you knew.”

You feel stupid. Fucking stupid. You’ve had enough of this party and Noah. With that you turn on your heel and go back inside. You steal a spare blanket and claim a spot on the couch in the now empty living room. 

Sending one final text to Folio before falling into a restless sleep. 

__

Now you’re climbing into the front of Folio’s car in last night’s clothes. You managed to find some face wash so at least your makeup isn’t smeared down your face from the tears that snuck up on you after Noah fell asleep on the floor by the couch. 

“We’re going to get some stuff for breakfast and some flowers for Sara,” Nick says. 

You nod. The tears come now. Nick’s not judging you. You could tell him anything and he’ll find a silver lining for you. He’s been doing it all week but today you don’t want one of his silver linings. You want to wallow.

“I’m so mad,” whisper it as though saying it too loudly will explode the anger in your heart. “Every time I think I’ve had enough of this shit, it just finds a new way to dig in and I’m so mad.”

“Did something happen?”

“Noah got fucked up and he kissed me.”

Nick's face keeps calm, indifferent. 

“And then I found out that everyone knew about this shit back then. Matt told me and I felt so fucking stupid. And the worst part is I panicked at first but Noah just told everyone but I was supposed to keep shit a secret?” 

Nick gives you a sad smile and nods. He was of course filling in all the gaps for himself along the way but he knew long before you told him just the same as everyone else did.

"Oh and he fucking broke up with Erin and said it's because I'm here like how am I supposed to feel after that shit?"

“Did you tell him that?” 

“No.” 

“Why not?” 

There’s a knot in your throat, “What if I do and he never wants to see me again?” 

“Look he might be my friend, bandmate, whatever. If that’s the case, fuck him," he drives calmly, “I’m not saying it has to be now but you need to tell him. For your own sake. Write him a letter, a text, anything. Just stop carrying it.” 

When you get back to Folio’s place, you try to head straight for the shower but Sara’s already in the kitchen. You make an effort to smile.

“Good morning!” her expression is confused as she notices you’re still in last night’s clothing. 

“Didn’t sleep with him,” you shake your head. The look of your swollen eyes clues her into the kind of night you had. The jokes end immediately as accepts your statement with a question, “Blueberry or chocolate chip?” 

“Chocolate chip, please.” 

Now that you’re back someplace familiar and safe, grief claws at your throat trying to find a way out. You want to scream. You want to slam doors like you’re 14 and throw yourself on the floor and throw a tantrum like you're 5 but you tuck it all away for later. 

“I’m going to shower,” you whisper and leave. 

And when you come back, the smell of butter and warm pancakes makes your stomach rumble. It’s comforting to have them both here. You’ve been telling Nick he needs to put a ring on Sara and if these pancakes keep coming, you might do it yourself.  

“You doing ok?” Sara’s question is so genuine that it makes you want to burst into tears again as you sit at their kitchen table.

“I just…,” you start and stop staring at the plate in front of you.

It feels like there’s nothing new to say. Nick turns his undivided attention to you as you start to speak. You look at the stack of pancakes Nick is making on the griddle, the savory smell of toasted butter in the kitchen, and you turn back to them, “Can we just have breakfast and talk about it later?” 

“Yeah,” Nick doesn’t skip a beat, going right back to his griddle. He cooks like he’s feeding a small army even if it’s only three. 

You spend the second half of breakfast laughing, Folio and Sara’s antics are a great distraction. She tells you about the time Folio took them out into the wilderness and forgot toilet paper. The tears go from sadness to laughter as he tries to justify it. There’s no explaining just how he would forget that but he tries his best. Sara lays into him, he remembered a whole tackle box and speciality lures but forgot the one thing they needed. 

Nick looks at you with pride as you help stack the dishwasher after breakfast. With kindness in his voice, he says to you, “I know you think you’re sliding back but you’re not.” 

“Thank you.”

___

Later that morning, as things settle you find yourself typing on your computer. Heart still a mess, you try to focus on work but it’s no use. Something snaps. Your heart is a mess. Somehow here you are burned again. Only this time it haunts you. There’s no running from it. At that moment you realize, you don’t need a letter. You’ve written it in your mind a half a dozen times. Before you can lose conviction, you dial Noah’s number. You half consider hanging up but he answers in the second ring.

“Hey. How are you?” Both relief and fear is in Noah’s voice. 

“Hey.”

You swallow hard and feel yourself falling into the routine. If you apologize for leaving without a good bye, this’ll all be over in a minute. He’ll ask you what you’re up to, you’ll plan a little day together, maybe help Folio with his car so Noah keeps in line. Life goes on. 

You look around Nicks living room. He looks up from his phone and gives you a gentle look. Your breath feels shallow as you hear your heart beat in your ears. Suddenly it all wells up at once. You press the heel of your hand against your eyes trying to figure out where to start. 

The silent too long, it makes Noah uncomfortable. It always makes him uncomfortable. It sounds routine as he starts to fill the space, “Hey I know last night was a lot. I understand why you just left—“ 

“No, Noah you don’t. You don’t understand.” 

“Oh sorry. I thought it was that. Did something pop up?” He still sounds so casual. 

“I’m mad at you, Noah.” 

“Yeah I know.” He says it with a finality. Like it’s a thread you’ve already snipped and tied up but it’s clearly not. It makes you angrier still.

“I don’t think you do,” you force your voice to be firm. “Everyone knew. You knew they knew. I thought…I thought we weren’t telling people I thought it was to keep the friendship together. But the whole time I was just stupid.”

“I wish I’d told you. It’s my mistake.” Again he says it like it fixes everything. As though any part of it can be resolved. You know it won’t but still the pain in your chest demands to be felt, not just by you.

“I’m not finished. To this day, I don't think you’ve ever called it a relationship, Noah. It’s always a situation,” the word drips with venom as you say it, “it wasn’t some situation. We propped each other up, we cared for each other. You said you loved me. We were together somehow even if she didn’t know or other people did. It wasn’t a fucking situation.” 

“It was such a hard time for me–,“ 

"I know. I remember. I was there. We all took turns holding you up then. But somehow I was the only one cut out. It’s like at the first chance, you traded me in for someone cuter, someone fun, someone who you didn’t taint with your own issues.” Your voice trembles and cracks. You don’t even care. You’re feeling emotions you didn’t realize you still held onto. 

Even Nick appears to recoil with that one. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“And then I come to one thing, I try to see if we can be normal about things and you get so fucking drunk– and Erin? It makes me feel like somehow I’m still the issue.”

“You’re not. Listen, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to drink like that.”

“I don’t think that’s going to be enough, Noah.” Tears continue to come as you force your jaw to relax and exhale hard. Before he can respond, you hang up the phone and put it down on the countertop.