Story time
Okay I need to type this before I keep forgetting it happened. I never really know how to start stories but here it goes.
All right so I was upset one day I don't remember exactly when. I was having an episode of anxiety and depression and basically all of the crap that comes with those two in a combination sort of thing. So I come home from work and class and I was just basically losing it. I don't really know what happened what triggered it. It could have been my friends or me feeling left out or something or stress, stress is a big factor. But I was definitely not at my best. So I decided to grab like a half size bottle of wine that I got in for my birthday. Which means this probably happened around midwinter (February/March) and just sit on my couch crying and drinking it cuz why not I guess. So yeah I was sitting in my living room one night, a week night if I can remember, crying curled up in a ball drinking wine. Just all together not really having the best day.
So while all of this is happening I was texting my boyfriend because I have a tendency to force myself to talk to people when I'm in a place like this which is a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because I'm not fully alone but it's a curse because when I'm like this I say stupid shit usually it's something along the lines of self-sabotage or some self-deprecating thing or me f-ing something up because I said something stupid. Well anyways I was doing that definitely self-sabotaging thing this time. And I don't know exactly what I typed and I have far too many messages to try and find it cuz it'll take me like 4 hours. But I think it was something along the lines of I don't know if we should keep dating or something like that which I did a lot when we first started dating for some reason. I think it was like my weird escape plan. Like if he was just like "fine okay whatever" then he didn't really like me that much and that was okay. Alnd I kind of kept testing him for some f****** reason or another I have a lot of trust issues that uses probably why. But anyways he kept asking me if that's what I really wanted and I wasn't really giving him a clear answer because I'm pretty sure like at least 95% of me didn't want it the other 5% was having wine and not really knowing what to do coherently. I wasn't drunk but I was not making the best decisions.
So I basically just kept going on the I don't know if we should date thing. And I don't know what happened I still freaking out that day bon my couch and he wasn't responding for a little bit. Then there's a knock on my door so I'm kind of confused, that's weird it's the middle of winter who the heck is knocking on my door right now. I might not have actually reacted like that but I don't really remember what happened. Yeah so I go to answer the door. I take my cat because if I don't then she's going to try and flee out of my apartment and go around my entire building for no reason. So I'm not really like fully crying but my face is wet there's tears I'm sad, freaking out, all together like a super fun time cue the sarcasm. And I open the door and he's standing there kind of out of breath because he lives at least three or four blocks from where I do on campus and he ran there. He's basically like I don't want to break up with you and I hope you don't want to break up with me and I know you're having a bad day and I'm really sorry that's happening. And he's like I came here to tell you that I love you and I want to be with you and I'm in this for the long haul and I really hope you don't want to break up with me.
So at this point I'm almost crying it because holy cow. It was it wasn't like a scene out of a movie but I'm pretty sure that's what movies try to replicate when they have scenes that are sort of like it. So I said I didn't want to break up and I thanked him for understanding and everything. Then he went back because he had a ton of homework.
I also think that was one of the first times that I really started trusting him and it took a while. We had been going out for a long-ish time before I started fully trusting him.
I don't know I guess I just wanted to tell a story cuz I think it's a cute story.
I think I also wanted to say that story because I want people who have anxiety and depression and two are scared and feel alone to know that there's always somebody out there looking out for you. Even will it feels like the world is caving in nothing matters and everything is horrifying and hard cuz life is hard life is hard. There's somebody who loves you, there's somebody that cares about you, who's there for you, who wants you to keep fighting, who will hold your hand while you fight those freaking demons even the internal demons. And if you don't feel like you have anybody or you're alone or you're scared. Please think about the last person who made you laugh or the last person who made you smile. The one who you hang out with. The people who know everything about you. And even if you don't have those people or you can't think of them right off the top of your head especially if you're not if you're in that place then I want you to think about yourself.
Think about your future which can be scary. I want you to think about where you want to be, what you want to do, what you would do differently. Because you can do things differently you can change if you want to change if you don't want to change that's cool too. If you don't like where you are and you're afraid to change or you don't know how to change do something small . Try a new food, wear different clothes, dye your hair, cut your hair, that's what I did a lot. Watch funny videos, dance, laugh.
Do something that makes you happy. That makes you feel alive and reminds you where you are and who you are and that you're alive and that life is a beautiful thing and that being alive is a beautiful thing. That even though it's scary and it's hard and it's horrifying and sometimes it just seems like everything is really freaking difficult that there's somebody out there. Even if you can think of that person. Then that somebody is you and you can fight those things and if you don't think you can do it alone reach out to anybody. Anybody who can relate to anybody who you think might help just know that you're not alone.
Know that you're not fully alone because humans are social beings and we all impact each other. We are in each other's lives even if we don't know it so there's always somebody. There's always somebody.
