Do you always justify Doms in every ask?
This question you can answer yourself by literally looking at my last two posts. And since you seem to have some knowledge about my content, otherwise you couldn't even ask this question in the first place, you should be aware of or could easily find out about the fact that overall the content in which I defend anybody is of very small quantity compared to other topics. So I must assume, that this is not a serious question, or at least not the actual question, but some neurotypical, sarcastic person's code for either "I dislike it when you defend Doms" and/or, if it is meant to be a question, for "From the content of yours that I know of, I have the impression that when you come to somebody's or some group's defense in a debate, it's more often for Doms than for subs. Is that right and if yes why is that?"
I don't know if you're actually interested in the answer to that or if you just wanted to criticize me by the means of a sarcastic rhetorical question, but this is an interesting topic so I'll write something about it anyway :
Absolutely I defend Doms more often than subs, that's right. Because I'm a very protective person, who is usually taking the side of the party in the weaker position, and on the public Tumblr bdsm stage Doms are in a pretty weak spot unfortunately, on many different levels. Obviously I mean "Doms as a sub-group in the Tumblr society" and not as individuals/partners and in the offline world. Here's why:
1) Our (the Tumblr-bdsm-society's) standards to Doms are much higher than to subs. People are rather lenient when it comes to sub's fuckups or misdemeanors, but very strict about Dom's. A Dom accidentally hurting a sub, making a mistake, behaving inappropriately, or the like, is dangerously close to being called an 'abuser' or 'borderline-abusive' or their behavior as 'red flags', while subs doing the same things is considered part of normal sub-life or D/s. We fuck things up, get punished or however 'put in our place', case closed. The threshold above which we start to call out subs as being abusive, or unacceptable or inappropriate, is so much higher than the one for Doms.
It's not even something that we hide or do subconsciously, but everybody seems to openly agree on double standards with the justification of power inequality. More power equals higher standards, or the nerdy way to put it "With great power comes great responsibility." Of course that's not wrong, but people seem to mix some things up and forget about some aspects, that really matter, in this context:
(a) To be the one in charge in a relationship, the one who makes decisions, the one who makes the rules, the one who demands obedience and service, etc, is not the same thing as "being more powerful" in every way. All these things are functions, roles and privileges, that differ from the sub's functions, roles and privileges, but in a romantic relationship all partners have necessarily, by nature, the same power when it comes to all things emotional and general. Both can end the relationship/Dynamic (nobody has to be "released" in a practical sense, that's a symbolical act to help both partners to have a clear cut and move on, but it's not a necessity to end a D/s relationship), both can equally hurt each other in different or the same ways, both can act out, be disrespectful, not abide by the agreed framework etc, and the result will partially look different, but it'll have the same emotional effects on both sides. Subs are not the ones without power and Doms the ones with all power, that's not how relationships work. In many ways they have the same power over each other, and therefor they should both be held responsible for their actions by the same standards when it comes to these areas where power distribution is equal. But we're not doing that, we expect more from Doms than subs. Dom and sub are not generally more or less powerful than the other, but they have different roles. That's a difference.
(b) In those areas where Doms do have in fact more power than subs, it's necessary to have higher standards to them to ensure a healthy and happy relationship, but not about everything and in every way, but we have to differentiate. What we can and must expect, from anybody in any context, is a proportional ratio between the potential severity of the possible consequences of someone's actions/words and the caution, diligence, consideration, discipline, that you use/show before acting/speaking. The more severe the outcome could potentially be, the more cautious, diligent... you have to be in conducting yourself. That's a no brainer, that's something we can absolutely expect Doms to abide by, and in this context Doms have higher standards to follow than subs. But it only applies to those areas, and it applies to subs too where their actions could have severe consequences. To just demand different standards for everything in every way is stupid and unfair, but the standards we have should always be equivalent to the particular potential for damage, no matter on which side.
I remember so, so many posts and Asks on Tumblr that made me cringe, regarding Doms being beaten down by everybody, or their subs being told to 'run', for something that I've read about dozens of times with reversed roles and nobody seemed to have a problem with that. The same kind of behavior is a red flag about a Dom but some cutesie poor disturbed sub issue about a sub who just needs the right Dom to cure her. That's unacceptable.
2) Unfair double-standards are only one part of why Doms are at a disadvantage and in a weak(er) spot on the Tumblr stage. Equally problematic is our communication (-rules/-conventions) about this issue. If Doms could at least communicate this problem openly, in the same way as subs write about their sub specific problems, we would be one step closer to fixing it. But they can't. Well, they can of course, but the general reception of such inquiries is often not very helpful, so many Doms don't even bother.
A sub writing something of the type "Us poor subs have problem x. Doms, be nicer to us" is an entirely different thing from a Dom writing "Us poor Doms... Subs, be nicer to us". Subs appear courageous for pointing out sub-problems, Doms appear weak for pointing out Dom-problems. Of course that's not just a Dom/sub Tumblr-phenomenon but stems from a general male/female society-phenomenon (yes yes, not all Doms/subs are male/female, I know, but there's an obvious connection here regardless). A helpless woman is cute and triggers protection and support, a helpless man is a pussy and triggers pity. A crying woman is being her normal female self, a crying man is a special case of 'unmanliness', and so on. I'm exaggerating a bit, it's not this bad anymore luckily, but there's still a (strong) tendency in people for this way to look at it. I'm not even free of this myself, sometimes I catch myself rolling my eyes about hypersensitive men but nodding in agreement with realistic women - when it's about the same kind of topic (and then I think that's stupid, but it happens). The same we have here and for Doms it's even worse than other men already, because they're especially expected to be always strong and be able to fix or deal with everything themselves. 'Complaining' doesn't suit Doms very well, and verbalizing unfairness that affects themselves is easily mistaken for complaining (the difference is that complaining has the mere purpose to inform everybody about your discontent because you're so important that everybody needs to know that, while the helpful equivalent is meant to be constructive and to start a debate that will hopefully change something eventually). Usually it's women who are accused of just nagging and complaining, but in this context it's different. Subs are allowed and encouraged to criticize Doms, for their own protection, Doms criticizing subs is often enough seen as a lack of skills as a Dom, after all they don't need protection, and they're in charge so it's their own fault when subs act out... except it isn't because subs aren't children.
I'm not saying either side would be more or less deserving of support or defense, both are equally deserving of any support of course. And when I see somebody treated unfairly, I always say something regardless of who it is, man or woman, Dom or sub. But when it's not about specific people but groups in general, I have a tendency to be more of an activist for the respective weaker group, and on a nsfw social media stage that's in my eyes dominant men, who have the most difficult standing and could need some support from the other side.
@anon, for the future: I don't appreciate sarcastic Asks full of stupid generalisms. When you have to say something, just say it, and when you want to ask something, write down your actual question please and don't let me guess what you might want to know or not. Thank you.
pixelskylines
amandla
