Lost daydreamin

Your first instinct was to deny it as you did these past few days, but it could not wait. If you were to be brave, it might have been now.

With a sigh you sat upright and Sylus stretched out his legs, arms reaching towards you. “Come here.”

You stood up and crossed the room, your feet heavy. It felt wrong to disrupt this quiet evening with a startling revelation. It would also feel wrong to conceal it any longer.

Sylus pulled you into his lap, facing him. It was a position of two lovers and passionate nights, of silent evenings and teasing confessions. Not overwhelming, scary truths.

He looked at you, gaze piercing through your soul. “Are you alright? You’re so quiet.” His hand reached to your cheek, his touch as gentle as a feather. “Did someone hurt you?”

You shook your head. “I have to tell you something.”

You felt Sylus tensing underneath you, thighs holding you more firmly, eyes sharpening. Your heart beat harder, thundering in your chest. This was it. A roll of a dice; another disappointment, another roll of eyes. 

There was a small voice in the back of your mind, one of your soul screaming to not be afraid. To trust.

As his hand grasped yours, you spoke, “I’m ace.”

The world tilted as Sylus blinked. Once, then again. “An ace at what?” he asked, confused.

The absurdity of the situation made you snort into his face. When he looked up, eyes searching yours for any answers, you couldn’t help a hearty laugh. “You’re such an old man, Sylus.”

“Hey,” he chided, voice devoid of any real hurt. The red of his gaze twinkled and he swiped his sleeve down his cheek, wiping down the remnants of your laughter. “I feel like I said something wrong.”

It was difficult to keep your anxiety when he looked like that. And so, your chest was a lot lighter when you said, “I’m asexual.”

A smile still played on his lips. “Okay,” he replied.

And nothing changed. There was no pit in your stomach or fire in your chest. His hands, big and warm, still rested on your hips. His pupils were still dilated when he looked at you.

“Okay?” you asked, brows furrowed.

“Okay,” he shrugged happily. “Congratulations.”

It somehow felt like a trick. “So, that means I feel no sexual attraction. It means I might not… want to have sex. Ever. So.”

He nodded. “Yes. Thank you for trusting me,” he titled his head, fingers finding your cheek again to stroke it gently. That was… That did not seem real.

“Sylus.” You readjusted on his lap. “Think this through. What I just said. I mean it. I know a lot of people don’t understand and they dismiss it. People think I need to wait, to find someone good for me, to fall in love, to try it before I swear it off. But I really mean it. It’s not a joke. I’ve never been with someone as close as I am with you, but I am certain about it,” you ranted. “There is a huge chance I won’t want to sleep with you. In any way. I don’t like it, I don’t like thinking about it, I don’t want to imagine it. The thought is– it’s repulsive.” He never interrupted you. His gaze remained steady, not teasing, just heavy with understanding. He let you speak your mind, and so you did. For the first time in your life, you did so freely. “I don’t find you repulsive. I find it repulsive.”

There was a beat of silence on his part after which he nodded. “I understand. I see you,” he gave your waist a gentle, reassuring squeeze. “Does any of that change anything about us? Do you still want us? Like this?”

There was a storm of thoughts and questions in your mind. Did he understand? Or did he think he understood? What if he said that but he wouldn’t be able to live that way? What if you finally let go and trusted someone only to be left one day? Could you blame him if he left? Could you survive it?

As if sensing your anxiety, he lifted his hand and placed a finger on your chest, right over your heart. “I love you,” he said, voice loud and clear. “I want to love you. I want to show you how much I love you. Sex is just one way of doing that. I still have the other million to let you know what you mean to me, sweetie,” he went on, words punctuated by the weight on your chest, your heart. It was hard to tear your gaze away from him when he made such claims, when you rested your hand on his chest and felt all of it was true. “Don’t let anyone control you, your thoughts or desires. I want you to take exactly what you want. What do you want?”

There was no hesitation in your voice. “I want you. I want us.”

The wide smile on his lips was the most genuine you’d ever seen. “I want that too.”

And before you leaned in to kiss him, to embrace him, you needed to know one more thing. “And if I do? Want to have sex.”

“Then I’d make sure you’d have lots of fun,” he pinched your side and you twitched. He laughed at your squirming. What an infuriating thing he was–

“I think I won’t want that, though.”

“Then I’ll make sure you enjoy your life just as much. Nothing changes.”

It was enough to breathe out the weight on your shoulders and chest, to let the tightness in your throat float away. You leaned down to wrap your arms around him, face hiding in the crook of his neck. His silver hair tickled your cheek as you nosed the sensitive skin and you smiled. When Sylus finally relaxed in your embrace, you made sure to bite his shoulder. As a little revenge.