Lo que sentis

Yo creo que te sentís obligado a cuidarme y ayudarme porque te dejé entrar. Lo que no entendés es que yo te dejé entrar porque yo quiero no porque necesitabas un lugar no porque sentí lástima no por otra razón escondida. Vos no me debés nada. Yo no lo veo como que debás hacer y darme nada. Yo creo que sentís que me debés. Podrías irte mañana y no volver y yo no pensaría que debés quedarte a mi lado por todo lo que he hecho por vos. Yo se que te ayudé pero lo hice desinteresadamente, asi lo hago con cualquier persona. Entonces no tenes nada. Creo que te querés ir y no dejás ir, porque esa es tu personalidad. Pero también creo que no te importa en serio. Y todo bien, solo no me sigás jugando si lo que te gusta es solo esta fácil comodidad.

I decided to go celibate, at 25 years old.  Im from a small country and recently moved to a big city, but its ok, i haven't had a cultural shock or anything.  The thing is, i've always had different moral values than other people, i live by my own rules and judge by my own experiences.  I believe in doing what you want, as long as you don't harm anyone, so, whenever i can, i do as i wish, i believe in sexual revolution and i believe in being who you really are, this might be shocking for the average human being, i don't really pay attention to that, i think that if you live by most moral constrains you will eventually go nuts and rebel against something or someone who is not the main subject in the issue.  Since i've been here, i decided to go big, even when i knew i was going home, i was gonna go big, why?, why not?,  I came here to do what i really wanted, professionally, and meet people on the way,  collect memories and stories, because thats whats lifes about.  I had too much fun for the first months, i went all the way, i gave myself to the core.  Sex has become stupid, i can get sex everywhere, every day i go out,  ive never had any problem talking to guys or approaching a guy i like, why would i? my only fear is never being able to be i want to be professionally, my personal life can change and will change and has changed, so i have no fear about anything related to it. Sex is too easy,  recently i discover im the typical douche guy type, that guy girls try to avoid, im that guy, im the girl who has sex with a guy and calls it a night, its over, i don't have any interest in moving forward with the rest, because is just sex. When i lost my virginity i was 18, i had a boyfriend and he knew i was a virgin,  i decided to lose it with him, because i thought it was about time, nothing else.  I did care about him, but, i don't feel i ever loved him for real, i always thought i was his trophy-cool-badass girlfriend, he was pretty average, typical, punk rock kid, baggy jeans and clean cut hair.  Anyway, this one time, we were fooling around and i decided it was time, so he was ready for it and i was ready to get it over with.  And that was the exact thing that happen.  I felt a small pressure and i guessed that was the whole -V card- bullshit.  We try a little bit more to go thru it all and i thought it was boring and i wanted to stop.  After that i thought sex was just sex and i never thought of sex as an special connection with someone i loved.  After we broke up i had sex with a old ex boyfriend i had during high school, i liked it, and i thought we had a stronger attraction and sexual connection.  After that i minimized the whole sex thing to just something i did when i liked a guy, because i enjoyed it in some way.  I had sex for fun, i had sex with younger guys, i had sex with older guys i had sex with random guys, i had sex with people i couldn't remember their name the next day, i had sex and ran away.  Sex was easy, was fun, was impersonal, was just another activity where you could improve and be a good laid i guess. How many times i have had sex i don't know, the number of people might seem a lot or might seem average, for my age, i don't know. I like sex, and i can't say its easy to let it go, because it became part of me, in a way where i would underrate it and just go thru it like the action of breathing. I don't even know if thats wrong. I've never been a sweet-normal person.  I guess i can love, i can be sweet with my friends.  Just once, in my life, i think i felt i was in love, and i cried so much, because i wanted to be with this person so much, and he, i guess, got sick of me.  I had so many feeling for this guy, i missed him when he left for a whole year, and we he came back, he told me things i believed  were true, but i think, its fair to be fooled at least once. I've been fooled many times,  because of my different standards i don't tend to be a normal girlfriend and i've been called cold, uninterested, distant and many more. The guy who took my virginity broke up with me, after telling me i didn't look interested when we were having sex, like i didn't desired him.  The real reason was, in my opinion, he wanted to date this other girl.  Once my mom told me, that for the way i chose to look and dress i would never get a good guy.  I never forgot that. Even tho i look crazier than most of this guys i've dated, all of them are a bunch of train wrecks, antidepressant consumers , depressive, insecure, ex- drug addicts, rich kids with stupid problems, rehabs, guys who don't know where they're going, or what they want from life, trust fund brats with impossible dreams or no dreams at all. I always knew what i didn't want from life, and my parents were important part of it. No hard drugs, no unwanted pregnancies, etc.  But what kept me sane, were my dreams, i was always afraid of messing something up and not be able to do what i dreamed of, anything, stupid things i wanted to achieve.  I still have those dreams, nothing can stand on the way, because, its all i have. I'm very secure and that have helped me a lot.  After realizing guys were shit and that i would never get a serious guy with good intentions i just dated the ones that looked normal but were actually the most broken inside, i thought i could fix people or at least have someone who would validate me as an equal, because they were worst than me, i just had the typical frustrations of a rebel kid with a free soul and maybe the bleached and red hair that made me look not average.  But inside i was stable and fighting hard to get where i wanted. There are some guys i wouldn't include inside this category above, that pretty much used me to forget their boring ex-girlfriends, like a rebound, but for a longer time.  I imagine they saw me as the crazy, fun, sexual, interesting girl.  More like the best bud you would have sex with, and thinking about it makes me feel terrible and insecure, and grossed out, that i let myself to be used, when i actually thought i liked this guys and they're were using me to forget their monotone  life. I have an imagine of bad girl, and i think because i have this imagine i thought i could handle the bad boys, the musicians, djs, older guys, experienced ones, and as i am not clingy i could handle the whole sex for fun thing.   I mean, older guys they just want to have a bunch of sex before getting married with someone more of their age.  That of course wasn't me, i would never get married in my early 20s. All of the above made me develop this wall/carcass which, pretty much, made me colder, more uninterested and even more frigid.  Ok so, now, for me frigid, is not in the sexual meaning of frigid, but actually more about feelings.  So being like this, with a super power of not being able to get hurt, because i could handle any douche bag in the whole world, i became the douche bag.   The one who goes out to the bars and is not afraid to talk to someone and if the guy didn't believe on sex in the first date, well, babe, you're pretty much not my type.  I would be the one leaving at first hour the next day after spending the night with a random guy, and never answering the texts to go out again.  I would be the one wanting to kick out the guy who stayed over, because i was sick of his body on my bed, i would be the one lying to get rid of him or acting as i was nice but actually i wouldn't give a fuck if the guy actually thought i was nice and interesting.  Why? because he had sex with me, and sex is meaningless and its a game, which i knew how to play. I haven't change, everything's still inside my head, and thats why i decided to stop having sex.  Because i'm an extremist, and if i can have a balance of important sex or when not to have it, i'm not gonna have it anymore, until i find the good reason to do it. As i became a douchebag i  know all of the lines, attitudes and meanings behind the texts, the words and the actions, and i cant help it.  I would get pissed of with a guy texting me at 4am to "hang out", i would get pissed at someone wanting to meet me after 9pm.  I would get pissed at someone buying me too many drinks, i would get pissed at someone inviting me to their apartment, i would get pissed for everything that was a douchebag/sex oriented attitude. At the end all i wanted was to get a guy who would see more than the clothing and my attitude, and would see me defenseless, and would protect me, and i would let the walls down.  Ive been taking care of my self for a long time, i never let anyone take care of me in a sentimental way, i  always protect myself and am aware of the consequences. I wanted to find a normal guy who wouldn't treat me like a trophy or put me on a pedestal because i'm the crazy girl they once hooked up with, the cool story to tell their friends, and the next girlfriends, the real ones, the ones they wanna keep. And because of my appearance i cannot expect more than a fucked up kid who dresses like me or is trouble enough to treat me like the same, as an equal.  All i want is to be equal, i don't want to be more and never ever less, but i didn't wanted to be more, and i have so many issues with this.  I don't want to be the center of attention, i just want to be treated as the boring girlfriend, the one the guys complain about with their friends, but that would never happen to me, because i never fight over the things girls fight the most, jealousy, attention, im not bossy, im not clingy and i am not a keeper, because guys liked to be pushed, and i can't do that, thats not part of my beliefs and personal values. I feel that, as mom, said, i would never get the good guy, but its because of what i think too, i wish i could be more passive, and more submissive, and  home oriented, its not like my life depends of finding true love, i think i found it once, and it was naive and cute and perfect and then sad and not fixable.   I just want equality.

No soy suficientemente inteligente, para estudiar algo que traiga dinero y exito, naci con un estupido talento y amor por el arte, y siempre me hizo feliz de pequeña, ahora solo me trae frustaciones y dolor.  No es que me importe que la gente no valore lo que hago, porque en mi opinion, el placer que me causa producirlo es suficiente para mi, aunque no sea tan bueno como quisiera, me gustaria, en algun momento vivir de la felicidad, no puedo vivir de ser feliz, no puedo, ahora entiendo porque hay tanta gente con trabajos que odia para tomar vacaciones que les causa 1 semana de felicidad al año.  Talvez la valoran mas? No se.  Cuando hago lo que me gusta soy 5 horas feliz al dia, las que paso produciendo mis creaciones, y el resto, soy feliz porque produje algo nuevo... No es suficiente? No lo es.  Mucha gente a mi edad, ya tiene un trabajo estable y dinero estable.  Yo solo quiero dinero para sobrevivir.  Solo quiero ser feliz.  Pero para ser feliz hay que ser miserable.

El problema con nosotras las chicas, es que siempre queremos las mismas cosas, al final siempre las mismas cosas, queremos encontrar a alguien que nos quiera y que piense que somos el mundo, queremos enamorarnos y queremos ser felices, eso si las que tenemos un corazon, las que somos buenas en el fondo, porque locas hay  muchas, somos locas, nos gusta besar y salir y conocer y ver miles de tipos, con esperanza de saber que alguno de esos idiotas es el que queremos, el que nos conosca en una fiesta y piense que somos mas que diversion, aunque ni nosotras mismas sabemos si somos mas, porque salimos y nos enamoramos 30 veces en una noche, porque somos jovenes y estupidas.  Que importa al final?, no estamos desesperadas porque tenemos cosas en que pensar, tenemos suenos y planes, tenemos amigas y amigos que nos distraen, pero que importa enamorarse un dia? un momento, unos meses?.

Bueno te cuento una cosita, he descubierto el significado de todo esto que estoy sintiendo, creo que es algo normales sabes? algo que todas las personas pasamos por, al menos un par de veces en la vida, ese sentimiento de querer a alguien tanto y que no te quieran igual, bueno todo bien.  Cuando estoy en mis dias buenos todo es mas claro, pero cuando estoy en mis dias malos sos un mounstruo, un cavernicola, un imbecil.  Bueno lo bueno de todo es que mis dias buenos son mas que los otros, mas que los dias malos. Entonces pienso, ya fue nena, ya fue, miralo, disfruta que paso, nunca fue tuyo, nunca fuiste suya, nunca se quisieron como habias querido, fueron amigos, buenos amigos. No se, en estos meses que te estuve extranando, deseando en el fondo que estuvieras aca, fueron largos e interesantes, cuando viniste y te fuiste rapido fue lindo, o al menos solo recuerdo lo lindo, pero tambien pienso que me llamas solo cuando queres, y no me parece justo que yo no te pueda llamar cuando quiero. En fin, no sos la persona mas maravillosa, te valoro porque te conosco hace mucho rato, hace muchos anos cuando eramos tontos y torpes,  tuvimos holas y adioses como nadie, y ninguno fue pesimo, solo fueron porque asi somos. Y tengo ese sentimiento de mujer que casi nunca tengo, donde me pregunto 30 veces al dia porque alguien como vos no quiere estar con alguien como yo?  Me pregunto que tengo mal, que es lo que no te gusta que es?  Sabes, esas cosas de mujer insegura, no soy asi, no lo soy, me importa un carajo lo que un tipo piense de mi, o peor aun, si me quiere, si me quiere tener. No me importa nada. Pero entiendo porque me importa mucho, porque dedique mucho de mi tiempo a pensar en vos, no me lo pediste y no te lo estoy cobrando de vuelta, solo te digo, que por eso es que me importa tanto, por eso es que en el fondo, te quiero a vos, porque espere tanto, porque te crei tanto, porque te dije tanto. Ya no quiero ser asi de estupida, y digo estupida porque no puedo hacerme entender que ya quiero parar, mi cerebro quiere parar, tengo ganas de parar, parar de estar asi por alguien que al final no es lo que yo pensaba, o lo que me hacia creer. Soy fuerte, esto no me va a matar, solo me va a abrir los ojos de los que soy capaz de dar, y capaz de entender, cosas que pense que nunca iba a sentir, y bueno toda esa basurilla mental. Adios.

Como se siente tenerme asi? Asi como una tonta, como la que siempre esta ahi? Como se siente salir con otras personas cuando sabes que yo soy la que te quiero mas. Como se siente quererme solo un poquito?

Que dificil abrir los ojos, pero fue mas dificil abrir mi alma, hacia vos, lo fue. Me quede pensando el otro dia, que nunca habia sido asi, al menos, no para mi, pero esta bien!, te lo juro, te di mi todo, y estoy a punto de terminar de dartelo, y con esto, te estoy diciendo que me estoy rindiendo, me estoy quedando atras, atras de vos,  pero voy lejos. Que tonta me siento a veces, pero siempre hay una primera vez, no me arrepiento de haberte dicho todo lo que sentia porque lo sentia en serio, porque me hiciste bien y tuve momentos felices con vos y todo era lindo, pero no funciona porque nosotros no funcionamos y es porque vos no me queres igual, pero creo que asi funciona, ya tuve aquellos que me querian, mas a mi, que yo a ellos, creo que esta es mi vez, de sentirme menos, de sentir el acido en el estomago. Cuando lo pienso mucho yo se que tenes razon, tenes razon en no llamarme, no buscarme, no quererme, no hablarme, tenes razon.  Pero estoy tratando de quitar de mi memoria que vos empezaste todo esto, que cuando lo unico que haciamos era estar por ahi, por ratos, vos te cagaste en todo y me dijiste cosas, de esas que solo la gente que se quiere dice, y yo senti que podia sentir lo mismo por vos, pero bueno, el punto de todo esto no es echarte las culpas, porque al final, eso no me lleva a ningun lugar y menos cerquita. No quiero que penses que me desvivo por vos, y es dificil para mi decir todo esto, decirlo asi tan explicito y menos en persona, es dificil para mi decir que te extrano en tu cara, decir que hueles bien, decir que te quiero o darte la mano, es dificil entender que alguien me quiere, es dificil entender que puedo querer, es dificil pensar que no soy mi mundo, es dificil abrazarte en publico, verte a lo ojos en un bar, saludarte con un beso, es dificil creer en vos, pensar que no todo es mentira, respirarte cerca, y para mie s dificil creer que yo pueda querer asi, que pueda creer que esto existe, que pueda creer que no son solo peliculas.  Aun todo es dificil, soy ninia en el fondo, soy tonta, testaruda, soy cerrada y no me dejo querer, y no te estoy pidiendo que me valores, estoy solo contandote, aunque se que sabes que todo lo dije en serio, pero todo lo que dije me costo un munto, 8millones de segundos para expulsar, y para repensar en mi cabeza si en serio lo sentia. Son mundos sabes? Son mundos...