A Hobbit Among Man

If you think "children should not be allowed in this space," you HAVE TO reckon with the fact that you are now excluding parents (and very often women specifically) who don't have access to childcare. You are isolating people who are poor, or rural, or single parents, or any number of other factors that might prevent someone from having on-demand childcare. You are cutting them off from being able to exist in public. You are denying parents and children the ability to fully participate in society.

My mom spent several years only leaving the house to buy groceries or take me to school, and even then, people would still come up to her to complain TO HER FACE about how she shouldn't bring a crying toddler to Walmart. Entitled strangers would literally try and demand that my mom leave and come back without the kids.

"Why can't your husband watch them?" Because he was at work, usually working extreme amounts of overtime so we didn't get evicted, because landlords don't like it when you stop paying rent.

"Why can't you send them to daycare?" Because that costs money.

"Why can't your teenager stay home with them and babysit?" Because I also deserved to be able to leave the house for something other than school, and taking me to the grocery store was how my mom taught me to manage a household budget, shop sales, and meal plan.

"Don't bring your kid in public if you can't CONTROL them and make them stop crying!" Kids cry when they're upset, and being dragged around a store is upsetting! Don't be an asshole! Children are human beings who are still learning how the world works, and they don't have a lot of agency. You'd cry, too.

"Spank them until they learn to stop crying!" That's just straight-up child abuse, Jesus Christ.

I myself am a big believer that there needs to be more adult only spaces, especially ones that don't revolve around alcohol. When I bring this up I unfortunately get people talking about how they hate kids like they think that is my point. It's not.

The idea of child free groceries stores, or other similar spaces is appalling. OP perfectly outlines why the idea of making the public less kid friendly is detrimental to parents, particularly for mothers who more often than not are the default caretakers. You would end up isolating a group of people that have already been so easily harmed and overlooked. Even if you don't like kids (I myself have never been enthused to hang out with little kids) you can't push them out of the public eye without creating a situation where the primary caretaker is trapped in isolation. In the best of situations this means they have no support or outlets but that's the BEST situation. You know who really benefits from creating a situation where a person is hyper isolated with no way out? Abusers. It is already a well-documented abuse tactic for someone to be forced into the role of parent to keep them under control, there is 0 reason to make that any easier.

When I say I want adult only spaces a huge beginning step is fixing the way childcare is handled as well as a massive overhaul of how we consider the needs of kids when building public spaces. For me to be able to have a space to talk openly to/hang out with other adults there has to be places built for kids so that parents can also use the adult spaces. Don't try to ban kids from Walmart, find ways to make Walmart easier to handle for kids who are just trying to learn how to be a person. Then, make it so the cafe on the corner has a childcare area that is easily affordable. Accessibility improvement for everyone in general spaces as well as the creation of spaces just for adults would have massive benefits for everyone. If there was a place where you could trust that your child would be well cared for so you can go and talk with other adults, that place would offer support that we all need sometimes and honestly, I think it could also prevent harm to kids.

That's the part that really seems to confuse people when I say it. I really do believe that parents having outlets away from their kids will act as a pressure release that could make the difference in someone close to getting so overwhelmed they do something they shouldn't. Most people have this idea in their head that harm to kids comes from bad people who enjoy hurting kids. I'm not saying that doesn't happen. It does, and that's not a problem that can be fixed with adult spaces. However, there are many times where stress can drive people to do things they never thought they were capable of.

One of the most common pieces of advice for new parents is "if you're too stressed, set them down and walk away." There is a reason for that. Stress clouds the judgment and there have been entire studies that look at the effect of infant crying and how much it can screw with your head. Do I think having an adult only cafe will eliminate child abuse? No. But, I do think that the single mother with the colicky baby will be a lot less likely to be driven to the point of lashing out if she could trust her baby to be looked after a few times a month so she can go to that cafe, drink a cup of coffee, and enjoy the company of people who aren't reliant on her for everything.

I don't make this argument selflessly. I don't have kids, but I too would like that kind of cafe or similar kinds of places to exist. A place where I can relax and enjoy the company of my peers without having to be ever mindful of little ears listening into the conversation or some poor toddler not understanding that the fireplace is look-y no touch-y. Hell, maybe some people would find it easier to be around the sensory overload that is a child if there were places where they could get away from them. Kids need to be in public so that they can learn to be functioning members of society. Denying a kid access to the world hinders their ability to grow and out right denies the fact that they too are people just as deserving of a rich social life as any adult. If you don't like the screaming toddler at Walmart, put on some headphones.

TW: Mentions of death and PTSD

While watching The Hobbit I began to think about what it must have been like for Bilbo after he returned home. The books and movies don't talk about the trauma. How much of bilbos life must have been different after the quest. The other hobbits talk about how reclusive he becomes in his later years, but I want to know more from bilbos side.

How terrifying it must have been for Bilbo the first night he slept in his own bed; finally safe again, only to awake screaming. Blood and fire and dead blue eyes haunting him. I wonder how many years it took Bilbo before he no longer carried Sting everywhere he went. How much longer still before he stopped needing to check to make sure that horrifying blue glow didn't come back. It may not have been present in the books or the movie, but Sting gained a permanent place next to Bilbo's bed.

It didn't take long for Bilbo to pull away from everyone else but it's only because how could he possibly expect them to understand. How could the innocent hobbits who have never known war and death be able to understand the haunted look in his eyes? How odd he must have seemed. The only Hobbit who wouldn't eat any stew at the gatherings and parties. The only Hobbit who shrunk away from hugs because being grabbed was no longer comforting.

Do you think the first time someone tried to pull him into a hug he was overtaken with fear, Thorin's name slipping from his lips?

Do you think Bilbo noticed the way people would stare at him? The Hobbit's may have noticed him pull away, but I don't think they noticed the rest. They may have heard about trolls and dragons, but they didn't know about the sickly little creature he found in that cave. They didn't know about the nights he would wake up frightened, eyes searching for the shadows for Gollum. His neighbors didn't notice how he froze up the first time he heard a little hobbitling ask for some "eggsies". He still spun the occasional riddle but there were some he never repeated again.

Then there is the protectiveness that often comes from the trauma of watching others die.

How odd it must have been for Merry and Pippin's parents to watch Bilbo fiercely defend them against those who disapproved of their pranks and yet in the next breath berate them for the danger they put themselves in. The first time the boys got hurt bilbo could barely stand to see them; the image of two young dwarves who he had loved like family all his mind could see.

God how much worse that must have been when Frodo came along.

Dark black curls and bright blue eyes. Just close enough to haunt him. When that little hobbitling came into his life, how much of his decision to take him in was because he looked like Thorin? How many nights did Bilbo peak his head into Frodo's room to reassure himself that Frodo was alive and breathing, rather than laying on a stone slab? He protected him the way he could not protect his dwarf. Yet he also never bought him a single piece of clothing that was blue.

He filled that hobbit hole with greens and yellows and browns. Never blue. That color was perhaps the deepest tie to the pain he carried. Blue fabric, blue eyes, blue light; all capable of spiraling him into a pit of hellish memories. There were days he could not even bear to go outside because even the blue of the sky was too much.

Because at the end of the day Gandalf was right.