˖⁺‧₊☽Annadora☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

I hope you find a southern gal to sweep off of her feet.

I hope you make a home to heal from all the hurt you keep.

I hope you grow into the man you truly want to be.

I hope you find your forever, with a bond running deep.

I hope you all find your true love, I hope it sets you free

am I supposed to still think

that at one point in my life,

you were my amazing grace?

am I supposed to hurt for you?

you brought it upon yourself,

sitting up on your high shelf,

hiding the fuck ups you made.

am I supposed to mourn for you?

mourn the life we never made?

cry and bleed over things YOU lost?

I won't mourn for a single day.

am I supposed to worry for you?

you made a choice and walked away.

you pushed aside who you needed most,

and now you have no one to stay.

am I supposed to care for you?

no, not in one single damn way.

but I care for your mother and father,

the pain you caused them, the misery.

am I supposed to forget you?

get rid of the memories in every case.

if I forget, I'll unlearn so much

so I tuck you in my mind, far far away.

am I supposed to grieve for you?

after all, you dug your own grave.

you fell from your throne all on your own,

and now you'll lose the sight of day.

am I supposed to feel sorry for you?

you blamed most on me in every way.

a God of his own, delusional and alone,

now forgotten and pushed away.

am I supposed to remember you?

the tears, the laughs we both made,

the fights, the screams, the joy, the dreams,

never again. I've fully walked away.

somewhere hidden under the seams?

do you have the endless seas

of stars and comets in your veins?

do you lay in bed at night

with dreams of foreign galaxies?

do you look for me out there

somewhere lost alone in space?

would you pass the sunsets

and the solar eclipses

just in search of my face?

or would you get whisked away

and lose my name in the clouds

when the stars dance in my place?

do you listen to the sound

when the universe cries out

"come here, you know my name"?

or do you wander afar

having left behind our home,

leaving starlight in your wake?

do you still think of me

every now and then?

are there still words on your lips

stuck at the tip of the tongue

of the things you never said?

are there still some thoughts

swirling around like ghosts

of the things we never did?

do you still know who I was?

did you ever know me to start?

was I the perfect creation for you,

someone you wanted to fix your heart?

or was I there to fill in the blanks

a voice when you're tired of your own?

was I there to full the space

so you didn't feel so alone?

I tried and I learned

and I laughed and I cried.

no matter what I said or did,

what we had back then still died.

do you remember the two of us

all of our laughs and jokes

late at night that we used to make?

do you even remember

what was said or done

that caused you to walk away?

I was not your creation.

I didn't fit your mold.

I did not and do not exist

to do as you had told.

was that why you left?

was it why you lied to my face?

you told me I mattered

as long as I kept your pace.

or was it me who left?

without remembering

the look on your face?

was it me who gave up

trying to fit in that place?

I don't know, I don't want to

cause I had finally escaped.

I did it on my own,

I climbed out that hole,

and had to accept my fate.

I don't know why you left,

I don't know why I stopped

trying to fight for my place.

but I'm glad that I did,

even if now and then,

I still remember your face.

how could you not have seen

that there was greater love meant for you?

some sort of castle made of our dreams?

in a place where we're happy and free

a home I can walk in without pain rotting me

"no"

will I ever be the same?

"no"

was there a reason?

"to change"

why didn't you notice my missing pieces?

why didn't you see the cracks and creases?

I'm sorry for being so quiet when I should have proved I deserve peace and space.

you were the rawest part of my life

I don't mean that you hurt the most

you were part of the uphill climb

you were the one that

helped me cross the bridge

and climb the steps

and look at the view

and ascend the ladder

and take a breath

and laugh in the wind

and I truly saw you

but you were the one

who showed me pain

even if it wasn't all your fault

oh how I wish I could go

just for a bit, back in time

and tell you what happened

tell you my side, and then maybe

let my systems tell the rest

tell you how not all those words

were entirely just mine

and not all the actions

were meant to cause you harm

but still, you broke me

you dropped my fragile heart

when I needed you most

when I was finally standing again

but sent back to being alone

I thought I found my home

nestled somewhere in your bones

its funny looking back at those times

you always knew things

and I still wonder how you did it

how you looked into my soul

and pulled out pieces of it

how you handed me my heart

the part of me I'd been missing

not the parts of everyone else

no, the parts of me that glistened

I could have sworn you were a God back then

you thought I was joking

you just entertained it

but fuck, I really meant it

and I think about it here and there

and maybe you were

maybe you still are

you're a God of your own world

you're loved when you can give

yet sometimes forgotten when alone

you try your best to protect your kind

but don't know how to give up your throne

so you shut the world out

and try to find peace all on your own

I hope you find your savior

your true hope to bring you back to earth

I hope you still drift in the clouds

for as much as it's worth

but I still hope you aren't a God

I hope you still have lessons to learn

I hope your mother keeps you kind

and your father a little less stern

I hope your sun still shines

and the stars rotate your earth

but I hope you stay at home

nestled in someone else's bones

you were never my forever

I would still have been left alone

but you taught me to look inside

you taught me I'm not broken

just a little bent, a little torn

so wish you luck to mend your pieces

I pray you somehow heal your soul

you were the rawest part of my life

you hurt the least, and you hurt the most

you ripped out a part of my essence

you left a me shaped hole

I hope my heart helped save your own

cause screw you for tearing me apart

and thank you, I wish you well

cause now I see what you did

I see how much its made me grow

-questions I ask myself at 3 am