i am Lesbian, i am Witch

first of all no -isms, -phobias, pro-ED, pro cringe culture, or any bigotry. dont be a dick on purpose in here thank you :) in this house we stay out of peoples business if theyre not affecting anyone or if theyre not culturally appropriating. i dont care if you think it looks dumb

anyways i like witchcraft, deity work and worship, tarot, and a lot of non witchy/polytheisty adjacent things but if you give me the opportunity to make a list i genuinely will not shut up :D ill put most of my interests in the tags

im a cottagecore girlie in the "i grew up next to a pond and regularly went fishing and orange picking in my backyard" typa way but also in the "floral dress and mushroom decor" typa way.

im part of a (suspected PDID) system but never do sign offs or anything just don't get thrown off if we say we instead of i. most of the time its the same person posting anyways. also im ace lesbian, disabled, and black.

I put active effort into being kind (not nice) to myself and others and considering that sometimes people are still learning. I wont put someone down for accidentally saying the wrong term or not knowing something. but if you chose to stay ignorant you'll probably get blocked. you still have a chance to learn! not here though <3

okay bye bye kisses xxxxxxx

update: all my original posts and a few of the things reblogged and commented on are under the tag #handmadeorganicpost

update additional specific tags to look at ig:

#makeaccesibilityCUNTY2023 -outfits i style around mobility aids

#aeryn oc -info on my dnd character

#handmadeorganicart -any type of art i made including poetry, drawings, writing/prose, collages, etc

one day ill have the energy to add the link to those

and below is pics of all my blog themes in case i changed my pfp and you cant figure out if you know me. also theyre cute

all these numbers are gonna be ages

~10: i learn about gay men for the first time. there was a dvd sitting out at someone else's house and i was like "what's that about" and my mom was like "two men that climb a mountain" and i was like "why would anyone make a whole movie for that" and my mom was like "bc they were dating" and i was like "🤔" bc that never occurred to me as an option.

~10: i remember thinking about this in the car and thinking "why don't they have that (same gender dating) for girls.........am i the first one to think of this? or is no one talking about it....."

~12?-13: i become. A Very Strong Ally. i learn more about gay ppl through tumblr posts on pinterest. i learn about prejudice against gay ppl on pinterest. idk how the fuck i managed this, bc i literally went to a christian elementary school, and church every week, and like. lived through middle school. but i'd never heard about gay ppl or recognizable homophobia bc literally no one around me mentioned it at all(other than the brokeback mountain comment from my mom)??? like my churches and schools and parents just never mentioned queerness ever. so i learned from pinterest that christianity opposes queerness.

still 13: upon learning about this i wonder to myself why my church never talked about this and hope one day my pastor will bring it up. all i get is a vague "no matter who someone loves, there is space for them in the church"

still 13: i keep seeing the word lesbian. what dat mean

still 13: ohhhh that's the word for when girls date girls. so i'm not the first to think of it😔

still 13: wait what do you mean everyone actually has an internal response that makes them want to have sex w ppl they find attractive. hm. okay so i am asexual

still 13: i kid you not i remember saying "i'm asexual but like romantically i'm straight"

still 13: I KID YOU FUCKING NOT. i cry to the girls like girls music video every time and i don't know why. i guess i am such a strong ally🤔. i also enjoy watching music videos for hours sometimes, and coincidentally i prefer the ones with women in them. well bc women are just so beautiful and pretty and strong and amazing. men are also alright sometimes mind you, i'm still saying i'm straight and hand picking boys to have crushes on, but whenever i imagine relationships with them i'm like "i'm sure it could work out as long as they don't touch me too much and don't really talk to me. and they can't kiss me ever at all anywhere. and honestly well okay i don't really want a man there but i'll figure it out when i'm older. maybe he can live separately and like visit sometimes???? is that allowed. and he has to be perfect in every single way or i don't want to date him. and he can't cut his hair bc i won't like him anymore but i recognize that is something i need to work on and be okay with". you know, normal straight thoughts. this was so straight of me.

14: I STILL FUCKING THINK IM ROMANTICALLY STRAIGHT

15: i meet some new gay ppl and i'm sitting there thinking "wait. i have nothing against dating ppl who aren't men actually, now that i'm thinking about it. i'm panromantic😸" okayyyy so now we're getting somewhere

15: i'm understanding ppl actually truly feel a gender within themselves. hmm i don't have that. agender? cassgender? do i want to bind??? would i ever want bottom surgery? umm i kind of want to be a barbie doll w no genitals. but maybe i'll keep the boobs bc they're good hand warmers. i wish they were removable and reattachable (the system cohost duo at the time was a boy and a. girl???????? demigirl?). i feel like i float around nuetral or KindaGirl

15: i wonder if i'm bisexual instead of pan bc i don't think i really like men that much...

16: i have my first psychotic episode, likely caused by chronic sleep deprivation and cough um being tortured at home and having no friends at school cough, and it presents like christian scrupulosity x10000000. i convince myself i absolutely cannot be gay

still 16: gay thoughts increase by 10000000. i have either my first or second Serious Crush That Will Haunt Me Forever, on someone who i didn't know well but i knew based off our personalities we wouldn't mesh well. which is how i know it was a crush, bc i would not hand pick a crush if we wouldn't work out logistically😭

16-17: i come out of psychosis and decide i can't repress my gayness bc clearly it doesn't work

17: i go through psychosis again, but this time i just leave the gayness alone bc it's not like i'm even dating or having gay sex and it seems god gave me Gay Thoughts. kinda his problem........ i still do fear the end times at every moment

17: i come out of psychosis

17: covid. i get on tiktok for the first time. gay ppl are making alt outfits and cool videos and thirst traps. the women and non-binary people are so. sooooooo. pretty. oh my god. and uh men are pretty alright👍good job gentleman. i also have a fondness for masc women, women in suits, androgynous women, etc

still 17: for some reason the few girl in red songs i listen to just make me so emotional, make me feel a pull towards something, make me just feel. really really gay. like yes girls ARE so pretty in their button up shirts. which could mean anything. i ask my bi friend if they relate and they're like "i mean not really". anyways it's still such a mystery.....what could this mean..........

19: alright alright what's this master doc ppl are on about. what's this comphet thing ppl are talkin about

19: wait wdym ur not supposed to handpick male crushes

19: wdym you're not supposed to have impossibly high standards for dating men but not for anyone else

19: what do you mean you're not supposed to imagine marrying a man and feel like it's a future you'll have to "settle for"

19: what do you mean when you imagine dating a man, you're supposed to be able to actually imagine it and not keep automatically imagine some random woman acting as you in the mental image

19: what do you mean you're supposed to actually Want to date the men you "like"

19: what do you mean the idea of dating a man should not make you grit your teeth when you don't grit your teeth about it with other genders

19: ohh................................

19: okay so i'm an ace lesbian

19: can lesbian just. be my gender.

22? ish: i don't seem to have crushes often. asexual greyromantic lesbian

24: i feel closer to something fem than i used to. girlieness is just on my mind. not being a girl. but something close????????

24: chat is it femme lesbian of me to want to be dramatic campy drag levels of girly but not girl, and only in a queer way, not straight ideas of girly. and not just to look girly, but to consider it also part of my lifestyle, the way i do things, part of my identity. and to also think of my gender as Lesbian.

24: obviously i care about and want to protect and love butches. no shit. is that not the default. ?????

oh my god the cottagecore femme lesbian of it all

my resolution for the year before was to be just a little more cunty. like a little more sharp and more unapologetically myself, take less bullshit. yk

🧍hmmmm

ALSO THEYRE WELL MADE (i mean if you get a well made one😭)

like someone puts time and effort into engineering something with your bones and nerves and comfort and safety in mind. someone is thinking "i don't want to pinch the nerves here or hurt a bone here so i need to design with that in mind". they're also thinking about making it last as long as possible for you. and what fabric is best for the environment you live in. so many things

and then when you get a corset you learn about your own bones. like you have to think about your like. literal pelvic bone length. you have to think about what's safe and comfortable for you.

and measuring yourself for a corset is kind of intimate? (i imagine even more so with fittings w a professional) and you have to really stare at and pay a lot of attention to your body but it's in such a neutral and/or loving way. it's just numbers and shapes, not problems. it's for the purpose of finding the right corset for you, not correcting yourself before you get a corset. getting to know your body is just really sweet. the idea of "imperfections" loses meaning when the "solution" is to change the corset instead of you.

alsooo you learn about other ppls bodies and realise you're just all normal ppl. a lot of people have uneven ribs or hips or curved spines or lower belly fat or hard belly fat or short torsos or long torsos. bodies are just like that sometimes.

and corsets, especially pretty fashion ones, are indulgent in a "good leather shoes way". it's something nice for yourself in the way it's nice to look at and in the way it's investment. you're giving yourself a gift that will last ages. you're showing love to current and future you.

ppl whose back pain or pots symptoms or nerve pain or hypermobility eased with a corset put a lot of time and effort into making sure they feel good and that their body doesn't hurt.

and then on top of all this, corset makers put art on the corset sometimes. they be putting lace and prints and brocade all up on there

me: wait. no it could be these other neutral or good possibilities that happened🤔