Lizoma

Och där sitter jag och stirrar och min hjärna försöker desperat extrapolera formler från det som har hänt, letar efter ekvationer i livets multiplikationstabell, den aldrig sinande strömmen av siffror som representerar vårt liv i maskinläsbara värden.

Kunde jag ha förhindrat det, gjorde jag det för lätt för mig själv, återigen, överreagerade jag eller reagerade jag för sent eller inte alls eller hur?

Och varför det och inget annat, herregud, det har vi haft ju tusen gånger förut, man tänder och lamporna tänds och släcks och lamporna slocknar.

Du duger för ingenting och det blir inte bättre med dig heller, vad ska hända med dig, ja, ja, jag bryr mig inte nu heller. Inte längre i alla fall.

Vad finns bakom nästa punkt, dörren, nästa avisering, alla spelar alltid bara standardljudet, så var är ju huvudpriset?

Tystnad från det eviga dånet.

Vingar från att falla, ögon på ryggen och svärd ur våra armar borde växa oss från att slåss bara för vårt nästa andetag.

Men vi ligger stilla. Fångad. Och djupt inne i våra ögon rasar striden vi fortsätter att förlora.

Aså, jag har ju redan förklarat det för dig om tvätten och radiator och brödrosten och diskmaskinen och ja, du kan ju byta påse i dammsugaren. Du är gammal nog för det.

Så är det verkligen inte kul här, oj låt mig göra det, nej nej, nu gör jag det själv.

I n g e n t i n g når min värld!

Nothing....

And there I sit, staring, my brain desperately trying to extrapolate formulas from what has happened, looking for equations in the multiplication table of life, the never-ending stream of numbers that represent our life in machine-readable values.

Could I have prevented it, did I make it too easy for myself, again, did I overreact or did I react too late or not at all?

And why exactly that and nothing else, dear God, we've had that a thousand times before, you switch "on" and the lights go on and switch "off" and the lights go out.

You're good for nothing and you won't get better either, what's going to happen to you, yeah, yeah, I don't care now either. Not anymore anyway.

What's behind the next point, the door, the next notification, everyone always just plays the default sound, so where's the main prize?

Silence from the eternal roar.

Wings from falling, eyes on our backs and swords from our arms should grow us from fighting just for our next breath.

But we are standing still. Inprisoned. And deep inside our eyes rages the battle we keep losing.

Well, I've already explained it to you about the laundry and the radiator and the toaster and the dishwasher and yes, you can change the bag in the vacuum cleaner. You're old enough for that.

This here isn't fun at all, let me do it, no no, now I do it.

Mina tankar är med dig idag.

Som varje dag.

Alltsedan.

Thoughts

My thoughts are with you today.

Like everday.

Tre nätter drömde jag om dig Och sedan stod du framför mig

Med dina ögan Med din röst Med din själ

Med allt jag saknade Och mer

Dreams

Three nights I dreamed of you And then you stood in front of me

With your eyes With your voice With your soul

jag vill bara krama dig igen jag vill bara hålla dig igen jag vill bara höra dig andas igen

Jag vill inte sova bara för igen att se dig drömma

jag vill "bara"! säger jag

men allt detta är det som driver mitt hjärta

Just

I just want to hug you again I just want to hold you again I just want to hear you breathe again

I do not want to sleep just for again seeing you dream

"just"! I say

En gång var jag en En gång var jag två Vi blev en två gånger En gång blev vi hen En gång blev vi mig Sanna jag

En gång var jag två En gång var jag en Vi blev en igen En gång blev hen hen En gång blev jag mig Skadade jag

En gång var jag en En gång var jag två Jag dör en död, varje gång En gång lämnade hen mitt liv Varje gång så känner jag forfarande hen

Once...

Once I was one Once I was two We became one two times One time we became them One time we became me True me

Once I was two Once I was one We became one again One time they became them One time I became me Hurt me

Yesterday one year ago I went to the psychiatric emergency room. Thinking about this is weird because it feels so far away… I think about the condition I was in…

I think about how I stood in our kitchen and had the ultimate urge to stab a knife into my stomach right in front of my flatmates. I think about how intense and transgressive I self-harmed the same night just to cope with hyper-intense and graphical suicidal thoughts.

I remember the depersonalization on my way to the ER and sitting there on the floor, completely dissociated and not knowing what happens around me. I remember how they brought me up to the bedroom and that the feeling of wanting to die did not leave me. I remember the pills they gave me and how I had to sit in front of the nurse room until the medication started to take effect.

I remember the sexual harassment towards me and the staff saying „Don’t mind about it. He is just like that“. I remember me going out and getting drunk for the first time in ages because I had no way to cope with all of that. I remember texting a friend about it, who got so worried that he called the ward, told them and me getting into serious trouble.

I remember two of my flatmates making all the way to the ward with their bikes to visit me and bring me some stuff I needed. Together we were allowed to go out for having a coffee.

I remember texting my love about what happened to me and them, so much in sorrow about my well-being, instantly wanting to come back from their trip to take care of me. I remember the endless chats until late at night in which they showed an incredible amount of love and care and were giving me so much from their energy. And I remember pushing them back, like I always did…

I remember how all that repressed things violently digged their way out of my mind, the dissociations, intrusions and nightmares. I remember the poems I wrote, the pictures I drew and me begging the doctors for help. „You are not capable of therapy, you are ways to unstable“ was their answer.

I remember how I found the survivor community on tumblr and how it felt to speak about my experiences with people who I didn’t had to explain anything to, because they knew what that shit was about. I remember the relief I got out of this and the shock about their stories and how many we are.

I remember getting a new medicine that totally fucked me up for two days and how I then denied any further medication. I remember the last meeting with a lot of doctors who I never meet before but who had strong opinions on my condition. I remember how much I lied to them, just to get out there.

I remember the excitement about following the travel route of my love online, one night before I was released and the constant flow of messages between us while the physical distance was decreasing.

I remember my crying when I came home where they were waiting for me and how I finally fell to sleep, wrapped in their arms.

The one day

The one day You took your hand And put it into mine

The one day You found my eyes And yours got stuck

The one day Down by the river Talking to the ducks

International Women's Day 2018

I was really sad for some days now, because, since I had a surgery 10 days ago, I knew I couldn’t march on IWD. But my craving for being out on the streets protesting on this day was really enormous.

Yesterday I decided to - at least - try to join the start-gathering of the "Frauen* wollen Revolution" march if my body feels better. And I really could make it. Of course I exceeded my self-set time limit of 30min.

After one hour my body demanded to leave. I got so emotional about going home instead of being with all my fellow feminists that I started to cry when I was on the train.

Positive thoughts:

Years ago

I think of you waking up in your room where we built the high bed in

one side of your face slightly touched by the sunlight

Deepness always leads to an abyss.

And in an abyss rules darkness.

I was tagged by @girlwidth. Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me that you think of me.

RULES: ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS. THEN TAG OTHER PEOPLE YOU’D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW BETTER.

HOW TALL ARE YOU?

5’8”

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?

Hazel

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS AND / OR GLASSES?

I should, but I don’t do it (anymore). I was punished with glasses since I was a child and some years ago I just stopped wearing it. And it works :).

DO YOU WEAR BRACES?

No. Think I should have it on the lower jaw but its so expensive.

WHAT IS YOUR FASHION STYLE?

Black. Simple. Punky.

Oversized sweaters, long shirts, leggings, pants with all kinds of holes, shorts. Shoes are Doc Martens or sneakers (fell in love with 5.10 tbh) or when its very hot sometimes sandals. Or barefoot.

And almost always a beanie or cap.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS?

Not really.

WHAT KIND OF STUDENT ARE YOU?

I love learning therefor I hated school. I like to learn things but even though I like to go into things theoretically I always have to see the practical application for my life.

I always vary between being hyper focused on something or not being able to focus at all. It depends very much on how my brain is working that day, on the learning situation itself and a lot on the way the knowledge is presented to me.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECTS?

I’m not so sure about that. There some things I deal a lot with in life and that take up most space in my thinking. These are: Psychology/mental illness, politics (feminism, animal rights, anarchism) and art (written words, drawings, paintings, installations).

I somehow like to think through things but I guess I’m not so good talking about them.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES?

Moonrise kingdom, wer früher stirbt ist länger tod, looping (2016 from Leonie Krippendorf). 

WHAT ARE YOU FAVORITE PASTIMES?

I don’t know. I write sometimes and draw, but when I do I always have an urge to do so to get something out. I made some music a while ago but I didn’t play for some time now.

Ah, ok. I think what I really like is going out in the nature and taking walks, especially in the woods.

DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS?

I regret a lot of things. Things I did to others, things I did to myself. But most times I regret things I haven’t done.

WHAT IS YOUR DREAM JOB?

I have no idea.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET MARRIED?

Yes. But I’m sure my understanding of the word ‘marriage’ is very different from most peoples.

DO YOU WANT KIDS? HOW MANY?

2 years ago you would have earned the fastest “no” as answer to this question. But I meet a very special person some time ago and even though they don’t want to have children (and I also still think how I, who can’t even take responsibility for myself should take care of a kid), the first time in my life I got used to the thought.

HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU VISITED?

Norway (visiting somebody), Sweden (visiting somebody), India (working and a little holiday), Poland (visiting somebody). I’m really not a traveling/exploring person and I need a reason to go somewhere.

I think it is a lot because I’m so scared of people and the lack of a dedicated safe space for myself in a foreign place.

WHAT WAS YOUR SCARIEST DREAM?

No comment.

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND / GIRLFRIEND / SIGNIFICANT OTHER?

Not sure. Somehow yes, somehow no. It’s difficult atm.

PUT YOUR PLAYLIST ON SHUFFLE AND WITHOUT SKIPPING LIST THE FIRST 15 SONGS

Weird thing (I guess): I have no playlist.

I’m extremly moody when it comes to listen to music and I tend to listen to one specific artist then. I like a lot of stuff and everything has its time but, Idk, I have absolute no ‘all time favourites’.

I will always love you.

Whatever is going to happen,

I will never ever even be able to forget you.

I hope you will understand this.

I hope you will trust in this.

I hope you can always keep this in mind,

no matter what the future will bring.

I don’t know how much is left of me right now.

I don’t know how much further I will get.

I came a long way and the majority of it in the very recent past.

Every path will end somewhere, thats for sure.

I don’t know where this will be, but…

Out of the world