Huize

Ik heb hulp nodig. Alleen weet ik niet waarin. 

Iedere dag begint op de ander te lijken. Of het nu maandag, woensdag of zaterdag is, iedere dag is een sleur. Ik, alleen op mijn kamer, starende naar een scherm die me verder en verder van realiteit weer te trekken. 

Ik zoek hulp. Maar weer niet waar ik hulp bij nodig heb. Ik mis mensen om me heen. Ik mis dingen om te doen. Ik mis mezelf. Want dit persoon, die nu op mijn stoel zit, starende naar dit beeldscherm, dit ben ik niet. 

Hey, I’m still here.

As a matter of fact I am still living and I still care. As for today, I did what I thought I couldn’t.

Because I have been told that a monkey should not wear a suite. That a fool can not be taken serious. And an idiot can never be smart. And worst of all is that, for the last two years, I believed them.

I was trying to be what they wanted me to be. Trying to be someone I am not.

I studied at the higher school of arts and craft for ‘Fine arts and education’. I loved it and hated it. It was all fun creating stuff but.. They broke me and my thoughts into a billion shards. Because whatever I did I was to stupid to understand the subjectivity. Everything in art is subjective even a objective fact in the history of art is a subjective point of view on what was for their current considered potentially ‘Art”. I did not get it. It was the only class I failed. I had 56 out of the 60 required points to get my certificate.

I was considered stupid and not suitable for education. As an educator I prioritized on comfort and guidance instead of information. I prioritized people over work. I prioritized happiness over depression. And I got punished for it.

I am not suitable for education because I care.

I had to quit my own education. Find a new future in a week. And my own doubt got the better of me. I have been dragged through hell. Not knowing what I could do with my life was the most difficult thing to overcome.

And I am still trying to overcome this barrier called ‘my future’.

I still care, I am still there. I still want to be the craftsman that helps others. Guide others with their creativity even if I am an idiot who isn’t suitable for education. I still want to be there for others. But I can’t seem to figure out how to get there.

Why am I still here? Why am I still living if what I am living for is not what I am suitable for?!

Why do teachers break their students to the bitter bone?! Why do they find theirselves suitable if all they do is bring the worst out in others?

I was a happy young man. But al that I have is negativity and stress because of this nagging feeling of these teachers who want me to be someone else. Someone I can not be. I can’t not care.

Well I don’t care about myself anymore. I’ve got to give them that. They succeeded at that part. They broke me.

Que Sera que sera. 

I had never experienced love before. But there she was, standing quietly in the background of the party. I had no clue where I was and whom I knew. As a stranger I had no one to talk to, but at least she was brave enough to take the first step.

“Hey hai” She asked “So. Whats your story?” 

After that first sentence the night flew by. We talked and talked and after showing off some dance moves to each other we knew this was just the beginning of what was yet to come. We exchanged numbers and sadly our way parted after a night of laughter. But before I could leave, she accompanied me to the nearest busstop. And after she stole a kiss I was with my head in the clouds heading home. 

I stumbled through the door and entered the house. I jumped on the couch and when I took a deep breath to take it all in from what had happend. *Bzzz. There was the first text. 

I couldn’t believe that such a beautiful girl with auburn red hear and lovely little freckles could be interested in a guy like me. Good thing I was wrong.

We had a date, soon after another and another until we couldn't call it dating anymore. She was mine, at least for one summer...

My first love was amazing.. She was sweet, kind and funny.. But most of all, she was caring. She cared about me... 

Today I challenged myself to be a blogger and write about me. Which is pulling me straight out of my comfort-zone.

But it’s okay, I guess. I am brave enough, I guess.

Hey hello, my name is Bram.

I am a simple guy. Who just moved out and started living on his own. I’m 23 years old and I am living in the Netherlands near the border with Belgium. 

This year I started at the University of Arts and Crafts, for the study Fine arts and Education. It’s pretty rough for me even though I do have my talents, the theoretical side of my study is pretty rough.

In my spare time I do things like; Ride my bicycle, make drawings, watch fictional detectives and go chilling with friends every now and then. I did start my training sessions now I just have to keep up my responsibility to keep going.

As for my love. I have no clue how to love someone with my entire heart yet. I am trustworthy, a good listener and a friend you can count on. Which makes loving someone pretty hard since I rely on friendship with a lot of really nice girls. But.. I can’t trouble you all with those problems just yet. Ask me personally if you would like to know more.

Anyhow. Just some other facts about myself:

I’m impulsive, energetic, a leader, a listener, a decision maker, stubborn, fanatical, a dreamer, a philosopher and last but not least I am nice. 

But that’s it for me today. I’ll see you all tomorrow.

Yours sincerely, Bram