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To me, thinking consists of three layers, like a sandwich:

- The top bread is being flooded by all thoughts, from nonsense to similar and opposite ideas. All at the same instant.

- The filling is subconsciously aligning with some of those thoughts and so perceiving those more.

- The top bread is when I pick one and "repeat it" in my mind as a last step.

So, a thought like "I like blue" happened several times in less than an instant, but many times I only perceive the last step.

If I skip that last step, the thoughts become more of an image. For example, something blue, pale, round and with a soft texture. I many times guide myself with these shapes and colors to make choices, maybe because of this, putting things into precise words is hard.

(My alters do this process too, and I either feel their answer or the colors of it. /did system)

This makes me understand everything I think and feel depends on several variables that are not under my control. I just manage a layer of a fully complex system. Sometimes I feel at ease, feeling my body helps me, and other times I feel a void.

So I use the mobile phone... Sometimes I can draw with it and it's fun. It's kind of funny how I am online 24/7 but I'm not that active in my accounts because I tend to freeze when I try to post.

You know how they say if you hold a cat by the scruff of the neck they stay still because their mom used to carry them that way? I remember when my cat was very small, and someone told me to hold him like that to keep him still, but he just kept doing his thing and didn't care at all. Since it's not something I ever feel a need to do anyway, I didn't think much of it, I just knew he didn't care about it.

The other day we had a vet visit and she kept holding him there to try keep him still and telling me to do the same, and again, he just kept doing his thing and didn't care.

Literally just wanted to say how my cat wakes me up at night and some other random things, but even for that I started feeling I can't, because the timing isn't right??? The order isn't right, the typing isn't right. The silliest of silliest. And the more I try to distract or tell myself they're just silly things it gets worse.

It's time to go to the doctor already and I can't because of the silly freeze. What I hate the most about it is that, if I try to even think of going out, it gets worse and the pains get worse too. So then I won't be able to go to the doctor plus I also effectively ruined the entire day. But if I don't try to do anything I'll also not be able to go to the doctor and I'll never improve @ _ @