Fatsexuality

I went to the grocery store dressed like this after the gym and an old man made a comment about my, "Huge belly." I wonder why??

This is the first time I've been called fat in public and I'm low key shaking. The worst part might be that I was shopping for high fiber foods because of how my bloodwork's looking. My doctor wants me to repeat in a month. I admitted to him that I'm up 20 lbs so far this year. I made no mention of an intention to stop.

Wowzers, feeling BIG back above 150 lbs 🥵

Seeing new bigger numbers on the scale for the first time again 😳

This is so crazy what I’m doing. The sane thing to do would to admit to a professional that I purposefully gained 20 lbs in 5 months and I want to keep going but know that I shouldn’t: let them help me work through the trauma imparted by my mother’s eating disorder that I must rebel against, making me so dramatically split on my natural curiosity towards and horror at extreme obesity that the way I coped was sexualization. An adaptive strategy for a time, but ultimately limited by the “reality” of health.

These emails from my health insurance company offering weight management benefits had my health and humiliation kink whirring while I shoved pizza into my mouth for dinner.

I’m so ready for more weight. More fat. I want it all the time now.

I’m nearly back at my all time high weight and continuing to delude myself that all this extra fat isn’t impacting my looks because some of the weight has been muscle 😌

I just saw a post on another platform by an actual muscle jock who posted his bulk since the beginning of the year and my god 🤣 I’m such a clown.

Like, it really doesn’t matter how much free time I have to lift or how much access to healthy protein rich foods or gear: I can’t muster the discipline or will to quit constantly stroking my dick talking to myself about what a fatass I am turning into. I’m addicted to food and fat and that’s exactly how I want it because I’m a fucking fatsexual.

Me to me:

Back on my bullshit.

This was so fun. Pretending not to notice - or not care 🤥 Telling myself that anyone who laughed in my vicinity was reacting to me.

This was not my local PF - I was really testing some boundaries wearing this 🥴 I started by stretching and immediately half my gut was exposed as I lifted my arms. Obviously basically the same with half my lifts 😮‍💨 I swear I adjusted it every time I was done with my movement… promptly.

Crazy to think compared to the old me: in public I used to sit so awkwardly upright or grab a pillow to place in my lap just to hide that my belly made rolls when I sat down.

Just thought I’d get on the internet and admit that I am getting fatter on purpose again.

I hoped I could mental gymnastics my way out of gaining further for a while, but flirting closer to abject obesity is just too much fun.

Feel free to laugh at me for completely failing to lose weight after a major excuse for my roundness was removed several months ago.

I like to think I’m successfully riding that line between beefy/chubby and doughy/fat as we head into the holiday season but somehow I doubt I’m succeeding? 🤔

Fat boy fall 🍁🍂🫃

Today I did 5 pull ups in a row. This is the most consecutive that I’ve done in probably a year.

I also got on the scale dehydrated and post poop this morning and weighed 144.4 lbs.

These are not coincidental events. In my past few years of gaining I have been humiliated repeatedly by getting too fat to lift myself and being unable to gain the strength to compensate.

The worst part is that I haven’t even been trying to cut. About 6 weeks ago I was just happened to be talking to a personal trainer in a civilian context and he explained to me how I’ve been consuming protein crucially inefficiently for a bulk.

I feel so fucking stupid. For YEARS, I’ve been eating meals that were protein bombs thinking I could get through my macros to pig out how I wanted the rest of the day. One simple change and I reconstitute >4 lbs in a month.

If anything I think I’m eating more but the fat around my organs has definitely decreased which is extremely reliving since visceral fat is so dangerous.

Even last year I would probably have embraced this weight loss as relieving but after several years of gaining I’m no longer willing to give up the (subcutaneous) fat I’ve accumulated. Every pound is so erotic and I’m finally feeling ready to incorporate my weight and fetish into my romantic relationships.

For now I’m just trying to make a point to eat extra treats and such but I’m hopeful that despite some weight loss this change will eventually enable me to gain the strength necessary to lift myself through my upcoming weight goals.

I’m so satisfied with what this process of fattening has done to my body. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to humiliate myself with my fat everyday for the rest of my life.