sometimes i think about how the l'manburgians lost their homes and how they never really were able to make new ones
and how when niki and tubbo tried to make new homes they made sanctuaries for others because they dont know how to live without community and how niki had to find old friends and find somewhere else because even her new friends didnt feel like friends, not in the same way as her old friends (not in the same way as lmanburg) and how she holds onto resentment and plays the blame game because because she doesnt know how to cope otherwise and how she desperately wants to get better but keeps getting set back and so she keeps retreating and lashing out at the same time because she doesnt know how to deal with feeling broken without breaking others apart in her mind (and she doesnt know how to cope with the fact that maybe what broke her was them breaking first, doesnt know how to cope with how her regrets and best memories come from the same place she hates and loves all at the same time)
and how fundy exploded his own house in an attempt to get rid of the nightmares that plagued him (and how it didnt work) and desperately retreated elsewhere and desperately tried to fit into a new community because he wants (needs) to be loved and seen even if he has to change himself for it to happen (even if it means going against his instincts, even if it means accepting a false image so he doesnt have to think about the truth)
and how tommy has the same house he always did and how its the same house that gets destroyed all the time and rebuilt every time and how hes changed and changed and changed and yet hes the same kid that gave away his life and discs and gave dream power over him in exchange for a home (if all a ships parts are replaced, is it still the same ship?)
and how wilbur simply moves in with his dad because he has nowhere else to go (and he doesnt want to be alone) and how he desperately wants to be forgiven and how he fumbles through life and pretends its all intentional because he just wants to bask in being alive at all and how he grasps at any signs of being treated as a person because he really doesnt feel like one (he hasnt felt like one in a long long time and every time he looks at the growing forest outside he feels the urge to start a campfire and strum his guitar and every time he tampers it down because phil and ranboo wouldnt understand and everyone hed want to sing with has good reason not to want to sing with him)
and how jack isolates himself over and over again because if hes going to be forgotten he may as well have it be on purpose and hes been alone for so long he doesnt remember how to reach out, he had glimpses of a home and a family and friends and before he knew it it all got taken away before he could truly appreciate it all and now everyone looks so different, now everyone is different, and hes no exception but his own face feels unfamiliar and he hates himself so he hates everyone else too (or at the very least he tries to convince himself he does because underneath all the anger is just a sad, broken man, and hes not sure he can manage to put himself back together, and he thinks if he reaches out he might just break even more)
and how tubbo has a picturesque community he built himself (except its not really a community if everyone keeps leaving) and a husband and a son and friends he cares about that care about him too but his son is the only one that always stays (and sometimes tubbo tells himself even if michael didnt have to he would choose to stay anyways, and he tries to ignore the gut feeling to call himself a liar) and tubbos not sure what to do in a ghost town except spiral and he makes new projects over and over and builds walls and wears netherite and makes nukes because he wants to be safe, needs to be safe, and regardless he doesnt know what to do with himself if hes not creating and everything of his gets blown up so he might as well see whats so appealing and he sings the anthem and mourns at the crater and throws himself into the next opportunity to have a new community because he doesnt know what to do with himself when himself is all he has (and he thinks pieces of himself blew up with lmanburg and he thinks when lmanburg lost its last life he may as well have lost his too and hes not sure how to tell people they love the idea of a boy that died a long time ago because he doesnt know how to admit that he feels like hes haunting his own body)
and how eret has to deal with knowing she was the first domino to fall and how shes still trying to get better every day but how do you make up for being the first to make everyone break (how do you deal with being the first to break?) and they try to keep memories alive ugly details and all and he wants to love and be loved even when everythings so messed up and he wants to help and be there even if xe may never be able to be shake off the title of the first traitor (even if xe wish they were known for being one of the founders of the country that had been so dearly loved, known for having been dearly loved themself)
none of them ever truly moved on, theyre all still grieving, and they arent even doing it together. they always fought, but they used to be fighting together, and now theyre not together, left to fight whatever they can because they dont know what else to do with themselves.
i hope they all find home again. i hope they all find each other again, even if they wont be the same people they were when they first found home in each other.
dailybridgerton
ellievsbear
origamiaround
izzy806
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
titsay
