( 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐁𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐃 ) “ ⁽ ˑˑˑ ⁾ too much is wrong 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒎𝒆. that's the problem, isn't it? too much is wrong with me, & you can't do anything about that. you can't change it. ”

a 21+, highly selective, & mutual-only roleplay blog for 𝐈𝐀𝐍 𝐆𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐆𝐇𝐄𝐑 from 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 (𝐔𝐒). heavily headcanon-based, & focused primarily on seasons 1 — 7 with some minor influences from later seasons. low activity & remade in 2024. explored by venus ⁽ she/her & 30+ ⁾. please note that i will be selective with following first.

𝐀 𝐒𝐓𝐔𝐃𝐘 𝐈𝐍: innocence lost, childhood trauma, troubled teenage years, mental illness through high-highs & low-lows, not wanting to end up like the mother, mama's boy, like mother like son, not feeling good enough, the black sheep of the family, trying to prove one's own worth, wanting to be different from your family, seeking validation in others, coming to terms with who you are, making your own happiness, & finding love in an unexpected person.

like ian’s hypersexuality, which presents itself during a manic episode, the allure of drugs is not lost on him. the reason he seeks them out is because of the thrill that can come from certain drugs. take that thrill and mix it with the poor impulse control that comes with a manic episode, ian sees no reason not to do drugs. he also won’t listen if someone tells him not to do something, and in many ways, that pushes him to want to do it more.

as a result, he gets addicted, but not necessarily to the drugs themselves, rather, he gets addicted to the feeling the drugs give him. during a manic episode, the drugs will numb his body and allow him to experience things without worry. he simply enjoys the freedom that comes with the numb sensation.

i should also note that drugs don’t just appeal to him when he’s dealing with a manic episode. ian also finds drugs to be extremely beneficial when he’s going through a depressive episode. why? the drugs help numb his brain, which is a big deal for him. his brain is constantly buzzing with activity.

additionally, he finds that anything to help numb him is better than always feeling like he’s on unstable ground. being bipolar doesn’t make him an addict, he is an addict because he chooses to go back to the drugs for the numbing feeling. in ian’s mind, feeling numb still allows him to live his life, meanwhile, the medication to treat his bipolar reduces a lot of what he enjoys about life.

i should also say that when ian is fully medicated, the desire to go back to drugs is still with him. it never fully goes away, but it gets easier for him to say no. for example, we see this with alcohol, where he learns to limit himself or say no altogether. when it comes to drugs, he can say no as long as he isn’t in an environment that could cause a relapse. it also helps if he has someone around to help keep him in check.

𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐚 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 ★ always accepting!

the short answer is he hates both.

now the real answer is, that the starting medication made him feel horrible. as he told debbie, being on those medications made him feel like life wasn’t worth living, but that’s because ian didn’t give them enough time to work before he flushed them down the toilet. he felt the side effects and instantly hated the way they made him feel without giving them a chance to make him feel stable. truth be told, he was afraid of who he might become if he was stable.

all of that was his fault and Ian knows it. once he tried again, with the push of those around him, he started to see the benefit of the medications. that to say, he does miss the times when he was more carefree, the times before the medications. however, he does his best to remain on the medications to avoid going back to the hospital. he hated the hospital more than the medicine.

while ian would rather not have to be medicated for the rest of his life, he does realize that when medicated, it makes his mood easier to handle. not only that, when he feels a manic episode or a depressive episode come on, they are easier to deal with and don’t last as long, which means ian gets more chances to live out his life and not be controlled by his disorder. that scares him. he’s so accustomed to the disorder controlling him and not feeling like he fits in with others that when it doesn’t and when he can fit in, it seems out of place.

he would never wish any of this on anyone, he also wishes he could be normal without medication or the stain on his record that states he spent time in a hospital for his mental disorder. he feels like he has to keep his head above water and keep those feelings to himself, but occasionally, he might let it slip that he doesn’t enjoy his medicated life.

𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐚 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 ★ always accepting!

this is a tricky subject because it has two sides to it. the first side is that ian knows what he’s doing and does it anyway ( which could be true or not, it depends on how far into the manic episode he is ), and the other side is that he doesn’t know what he’s doing and is simply acting on his desires. either way, you look at it, the main reason for ian’s infidelity is a result of his bipolar. that isn’t to say that his actions should be excused because he has a mental disorder, it just gives an understanding as to why he does what he does.

for example, when ian is manic, he is seeking to fulfill an urge that he otherwise has control over, but in a manic state there is no control, there is only that desire. as a result, he acts on the desire to bring him pleasure ( however that may come about ) and it allows him to feel good. in the manic episode, ian doesn’t think about the feelings of others and isn’t intentionally trying to hurt someone else. his brain flips a switch and it becomes almost impossible not to act on what his mind wants because he has poor coping skills when it comes to his mania. if he knew how to better handle it, he might have a better way to handle the urges when they come up.

however, in addition to his manic state, which is a big cause for hypersexual responses, ian was sexual from a younger age. i’m not saying kash did things to ian when ian didn’t want it, but i am saying that whenever ian was in a more hypomanic state ( before his bipolar got worse ), men could take advantage of him and he went along with it because it fulfilled that desire the mania created.

so, in a way, ian doing these things was normal in his mind and he had no reason to stop it. now, if it was brought to his attention after his manic episode was done, he would feel a lot of guilt and shame for it. he would also struggle to talk about it because he knows that his disorder has more control over him than he would like it to.

𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐚 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 ★ always accepting!

it wasn’t like he had done anything wrong ( at least, that was what kash told him ). not only that, while he & kash were casual about their hookups, they had been smart about them as well. now, it felt like any consideration about being smart was just for show.

his stomach dropped as he heard the front door open, a quick turn of his head away from the TV allowed him to see @southsider. ian looked back to the TV & pretended to be focused on whatever was playing. he lowered his finger from his mouth & placed both hands on his legs. if he was lucky, maybe the one would stop bouncing.

“ back already? i thought you’d be at karen’s for longer ... like the whole night or some shit. guess i was wrong. ” he said trying to keep the conversation casual.

starter call ★ accepting, mutuals only!