I stumbled upon an old Instagram of mine that was full of pictures of me and my ex/abuser now all those awful memories are back and I feel like all the progress made in therapy has shattered. My therapist is out of the country for the next month. I feel like self harming. I'm not going to. My boyfriend has BPD and doesn't know how to deal with me like this. Help me what do I do
First, as you know, it is impossible to avoid all triggers in life, and eventually you have to focus on de-escalating your emotions & hormones other than avoidance.
I think the best in the moment is:
Use the clock to get your breathing in control & force your thoughts on positive things. You can only have one thought at a time in your brain, so writing, watching TV that doesn’t allow your brain to wander.
Singing. Music Mood Management. which is a technique I coined to mean that you take all your music and categorize it by emotional states: empowerment, anger release, sad cathartic. Start at the emotional state your in and dance, sing, I do this dance/walk around the neighborhood until it gets all out.
Purposeful dissociation. You are already using this but it’s labeled bad, but there is also healthy dissociation. I hate fake-it until you make it; but you are a survivor so I know you developed these skills to survive, now use them again. This is especially re: work.
Be in the moment. This is the truth, while I understand your body is remembering. As you sit in front of this computer, you are safe. You are projected either past shame or the feeling that you can’t control it happening again, but the truth is, you can & will stop it simply bc you have awareness and will leave.
Recovery is not linear. That’s how males think; you’re fixed. Women are masters at fluidity. Your higher power has given you this challenge as an opportunity to get better at re-calibration. It would be like saying that weather stays the same. Your body goes thru seasons. Your life goes thru steps to be learned and mastered at each age level. To not expect to ever have a breakdown is like believing that bad weather will never come. It doesn’t hail that often, but you need to learn how to deal with it.
By self-harming I’m guessing cutting. Have you tried using a marker and doodling on your body instead.
If you feel you need pharma, whether you seek it out legally or not, short term is OK especially if your work or school is jeopardized by a mental breakdown. I would prefer THC, but absolutely don’t take Xanax for more than 4 days. Refuse hardcore psy drugs, Seriquel etc.
If you have to; call in sick. If you get frustrated and talk-back to a customer or boss, you can be fired, but chronic sickness puts it on them, and they can let you go, but you get unemployment & the time you need to heal.
Make a project the most important thing in your life. Sometimes I convince myself that I am a consultant and the client is Me and it’s my responsibility to write a business or marketing plan on myself. I use all the nervous energy to produce a full business plan on myself. It will help you first define all the problems and then you have to discuss alternatives and your recommendations.
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