(ง •̀_•́)ง

Screaming internally.

Cascading into nothingness.

A raving subconsciousness.

I would set myself on fire and put myself out just to set myself on fire again and again like I deserved it.

I would starve myself.

I would engorge myself.

I tried to die.

I can admit that to myself now.

I tried to die.

I tried to live for family.

I tried to live for love.

Internally? I was always looking for an out.

Constantly trying to put out the embers of my soul.

Looking for ways to kill the inner fire within and rest.

Self sabotaging.

Self depreciating.

Who knew three energy drinks a day is self harm?

I did. I’m very aware of what it does to diabetics.

I downed them like water every day.

I forced uncomfortable moments.

I forced arguments.

I forced ugly.

I tried to feed myself nothing but bad.

So I could end it like a horse with a bum leg.

I convinced myself it was pity.

I was running.

I was fleeing.

I was giving up.

Call it cliché.

But I had a hug I needed for 4 years.

And I cried myself to sleep in her arms.

I got so high it felt like shifting.

I finally heard their voices.

I finally saw them in my sleep.

I woke up and it rained.

I cried until I *literally* got myself sick.

Congested. Coughing. Pain in my chest.

My soul came back.

It’s heavy. It’s mine. Full of ash and lead.

I’m taking a leap of faith.

I deferred a lot of my bills to next pay day.

I’m going to go see my girl in Florida.

It’s been 4 years.

My parents have died.

My uncle died.

I’ve lost and found multiple jobs.

I had three jobs in 2025 alone.

I know I’m in debt and I don’t have much.

All I know is, I need to be held on Mother’s Day in only the way that she can hold me.

So, if ya’ll have a few bucks to spare. I’ll take ‘em.

I have all the apps you can have.

I get it. She’s my aunt.

Mom was her sister.

I get it.

But holy fuck, it’s hard to not be mad rn.

Add a bitchy anxiously attached partner to the mix.

I had a good morning. And it’s already fucked up.

That literally only took 2 hours to implode.

Now I crave them 😑