certified weird things sayer

“what are you gonna do, cry about it?” yes . the fuck

@copperbadge this seems up your alley

so funny how the older u get ur like how the fuck on gods green earth did people used to manage all th- ahhh.. i need one of these wives everybody keeps talking about..

"how was X so successful and productive and achieving?" wife feeding and clothing and cleaning and shopping and parenting for them and also probably booking appointments and personal receptionist work. AND stimulant abuse. and shes supposed to suck you off whenever. id kill him too #feminists

If you become friends with someone they might offer you shelter or sources of protein

by virtue of there being 8 billion people in the world its pretty much guaranteed that literally every fictional character is a real person and every work of fiction happened in real life

↗️ the new emoji code for when you want to express that time is linear and only flows in 1 direction. the tilted upward arrow was chosen instead of the flat sideways arrow because when you zoom out far enough every day is on the up & up

parasocialism is bad Unless its with me. i love you. yes You. Specifically

no rest for me and im not even that wicked ?

theyre saying you have to go to work again tomorrow even though you just went today

doctor sleepy just prescribed me with 5 more minutes

The opposite of “the elephant in the room” is “the centipede in the room”: something that’s not actually an issue but everyone is freaking out about

mike’s hard bubble tea

It’s just marbles

You might think it stands for "Alternate Universe", but it's actually called an "AU" because that's the anguished noise you make when you realize you have to make the content yourself if you want to see them. Au auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu 😭😭😭🐺🐺🐺