I need my therapist, but I can also vent to you guys.
In Norway, it's 2 am. right now, and I can't sleep. I need to study and prepare myself for this massive history test I have next week, but I just can't shut off my head. I can't turn off my thoughts. I keep thinking about everything I slowly keep forgetting in life. Does that make sense in any way?
You see, I'm 28 years old soon, and I have lived the longest life one possibly can imagine at such age. I've lost family to sickness. I've lost dear friends to drugs and violence. I myself have been a victim of brutal domestic violence, and I also lived through unnecessary, unspeakable violence from other people whom i didn't even know the name of.
I've been beaten, done heavy drugs, and I was placed in the system. I've almost died so many times. I've had cancer, countless OD's, and so much self-harm over so many years. I've also been in prison. The only man I ever truly loved with all my heart, who I knew for over half my life, died next to me. Many years later, I was married to a narsissist and thankfully got out.
These are just some of the things I've been so lucky to live through. There's more. I could write a whole book about my life, and I truly believe it would sell well, but I won't. Not because it hurts to think about it, because it does, but because I can't remember. At this point, it has become so much for me to bear that my memory shuts down completely. And even though things are good now and I live a beautiful life, doing good in school and having awesome people around me, it's too late. My brain can no longer keep hold of memories because of all the continuously heavy trauma over so many years. My brain can create new memories, but it let's go of them just as fast as it creates them. I'm not sure what that condition is called in English, but it looks a lot like dementia ("kognitiv hukommelsesvikt" in norwegian if someone is curious). IM 27 YEARS OLD DAMMIT.
I can gladly forget all the bad stuff. But it's not only the bad stuff that at some point will be gone forever. It's also the good stuff. Family vacations, various celebrations with good friends, peoples names and faces, the man I loved so FUCKING much. All the laughs, drinks, hugs, places, EVERYTHING will be gone at some point. I keep getting sadder and sadder because I keep noticing the small, beautiful things I forget in life on a daily basis, and it sucks.
Over the past 6-7 years, I've been writing journals. Almost daily. But not once I could make myself read some of them later on. And I keep lying here until 3 a.m., thinking, why, JUST WHY, do I even bother writing everything down when it's all gonna be gone from my memory at some point? If I were to read these journals again, it won't feel like my memories, it will just be someone's else sad life stories.
So I have no choice but to live in the moment. Accept it and just let go. But it's so fucking sad, and no one can do anything about it. It doesn't help with therapy. It doesn't help to talk about what hurts because i can't remember anymore. It's pitch black. It's only a strange, hurtful, but weirdly familiar feeling that I have that reminds me that all this fucked up shit has happened, nothing more. In a fucked up way, it's fine because I don't get flashbacks or nightmares or diagnoses like PTSD and stuff like that. My brain just shuts it out completely. We've tried to make me remember. The people in white coats tried so hard. But with no luck.
So that kept me up tonight. Shit I can't even remember.
If you red this far, thank you so much for your time. You may think it isn't much, but it really is. I always used to vent here when I first started using this platform, and it helped me so much. 💖
titsay
stormborns
gummygunk
