AnasAbdin
styofa doing anything
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taylor price
we're not kids anymore.

titsay

if i look back, i am lost
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will byers stan first human second
Misplaced Lens Cap
dirt enthusiast

oozey mess
🪼
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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One Nice Bug Per Day
almost home
art blog(derogatory)
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@linaamm

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Ahhhh, my best friend! 🤣💀🎀
Mihail Sebastian, from “For Two Thousand Years” (trans. Philip Ó Ceallaigh)

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I need my therapist, but I can also vent to you guys.
In Norway, it's 2 am. right now, and I can't sleep. I need to study and prepare myself for this massive history test I have next week, but I just can't shut off my head. I can't turn off my thoughts. I keep thinking about everything I slowly keep forgetting in life. Does that make sense in any way?
You see, I'm 28 years old soon, and I have lived the longest life one possibly can imagine at such age. I've lost family to sickness. I've lost dear friends to drugs and violence. I myself have been a victim of brutal domestic violence, and I also lived through unnecessary, unspeakable violence from other people whom i didn't even know the name of.
I've been beaten, done heavy drugs, and I was placed in the system. I've almost died so many times. I've had cancer, countless OD's, and so much self-harm over so many years. I've also been in prison. The only man I ever truly loved with all my heart, who I knew for over half my life, died next to me. Many years later, I was married to a narsissist and thankfully got out.
These are just some of the things I've been so lucky to live through. There's more. I could write a whole book about my life, and I truly believe it would sell well, but I won't. Not because it hurts to think about it, because it does, but because I can't remember. At this point, it has become so much for me to bear that my memory shuts down completely. And even though things are good now and I live a beautiful life, doing good in school and having awesome people around me, it's too late. My brain can no longer keep hold of memories because of all the continuously heavy trauma over so many years. My brain can create new memories, but it let's go of them just as fast as it creates them. I'm not sure what that condition is called in English, but it looks a lot like dementia ("kognitiv hukommelsesvikt" in norwegian if someone is curious). IM 27 YEARS OLD DAMMIT.
I can gladly forget all the bad stuff. But it's not only the bad stuff that at some point will be gone forever. It's also the good stuff. Family vacations, various celebrations with good friends, peoples names and faces, the man I loved so FUCKING much. All the laughs, drinks, hugs, places, EVERYTHING will be gone at some point. I keep getting sadder and sadder because I keep noticing the small, beautiful things I forget in life on a daily basis, and it sucks.
Over the past 6-7 years, I've been writing journals. Almost daily. But not once I could make myself read some of them later on. And I keep lying here until 3 a.m., thinking, why, JUST WHY, do I even bother writing everything down when it's all gonna be gone from my memory at some point? If I were to read these journals again, it won't feel like my memories, it will just be someone's else sad life stories.
So I have no choice but to live in the moment. Accept it and just let go. But it's so fucking sad, and no one can do anything about it. It doesn't help with therapy. It doesn't help to talk about what hurts because i can't remember anymore. It's pitch black. It's only a strange, hurtful, but weirdly familiar feeling that I have that reminds me that all this fucked up shit has happened, nothing more. In a fucked up way, it's fine because I don't get flashbacks or nightmares or diagnoses like PTSD and stuff like that. My brain just shuts it out completely. We've tried to make me remember. The people in white coats tried so hard. But with no luck.
So that kept me up tonight. Shit I can't even remember.
If you red this far, thank you so much for your time. You may think it isn't much, but it really is. I always used to vent here when I first started using this platform, and it helped me so much. 💖
It's now 02:55
I had way too much fun editing this pic
Vintage with a glitch, it's a vibe ✨️
Comfortable silence is one of my favorite things ever
Indeed
“I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion”
– Jack Kerouac
Three years later not much has changed. I'm still very confused and most things are still shit

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we lost something along the way
“I want us to be one again. Like when we did everything together. When life went forward and we thought we had it all figured out. I want you to hold me from behind again, you dont do that very often anymore. I miss the small things. The things that actually mattered. The things we will remember. Right now it feels like everything just stopped. All emotions, plans, the deep conversations, time, love. I am truly sorry things got bad again and I kind of let us go a little. I really hope we will figure it out again and be happy like we once were.”
Never say I never fucking tried
and the conversation went like
My lowlife x: I miss you, we can try again
Me: sure, whatever, we can hang
Then he goes ghost om me for months and suddenly
His delulu x: Do NOT contact him, he is with me now.
Me: Sure, whatever, no problem. Keep him guurl, please
Her: Yes he only wanted to piss you off and play with your feelings
Me: ok *not feeling a single emotion*
Her: Yes he never loved you and he spent time with you only to make you think that he still was in love with you just to hurt you
Me: Ok *unbothered*
Her: Yes you need to move on
Me: Ok *not me that already sold our wedding ring and talking to another guy that actually treats me like a queen*
Her: Yes he has been done with you for a very long time
Me: Anything else?
Her: NEVER try to contact him again!
Me: Ok *confused because I never did in the first place*
Reposting some old stuff
I miss my hair. Cancer is a bitch

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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to everyone struggling with their mental health during the holiday season: you are gonna be okay, take the rest you need, its okay if you arent in a festive mood, let me give you a hug (but only if you want)
<3