lovepai 🥧

Only use genderless words.

Nonhuman and human (though the term human, used unnecesserally, creates dysphoria personally)

2nd person pronouns are vou/vou/vour/vours/vourself and vourselves (use both) and zoum/zoum/zoums/zoums/zoumself, zoumselves (prefer zoumself, but zoumselves is fine)

[..] use xenopronouns for 1st and 3rd person pronouns. For 3rd person pronouns, do not use any pronouns, instead call me person, user, being, someone, or animal, but only if animal isn’t used as an insult or to bring one down.

Wanna make this clear, that when [..] say people or person, am not just talking about humans. Even we, us, our is never used by person to talk exclusively about humans. People can include anything.

Honestly, just don’t refer to me by my username.

Honorific less which means no honorifics at all!

Don’t use the words dude, girl, boy, woman, man, cutie, handsome, gorgeous, honey, bot, weird, sexy, hot, any religious words, any ableist word, any downgrading words nor any obviously gendered words on [..]

Oh! And don’t give me “tips”, orders or say you should change your pfp

some posts do include harmful stuff, so if bunself rereads them and sees them, I'll try to correct them

twisting my words, either out of misunderstanding, tiredness or something else, and complimenting me with "you have a beautiful soul" while we're talking and seemingly developping ideas, but then ignoring me when i add to it and respond, isn't okay, also it's confusing

"you have a beautiful soul" implies you wanna have a conversation and continue talking doesn't it? /genq

so why do the opposite? /rh why cut off the conversation like that, ignore me, my words and just stop it when you imply that

think about it, if someone told you that, while sharing complex thoughts, wouldn't you wanna talk to them more, right then?

why is it that when someone voices any opinion similar to that, they often get silenced with hatred? do they feel hatred and anger at the systems of oppression, or do they feel hatred and anger at the very act of calling systems of oppression they themselves reproduce without question out?

with the great replacement theory of what canada has been doing for the past decade and more, the government continuing to ignore first nations' voices and rights (they should have, not that they necessarily legally have), could it be that the government is yet again, still trying to replace first nations instead? / that's a question for critical thinking.. i do get the feeling that the government is in fact trying to replace all canadians that were there before 2015, even white people, but it seems more like they don't care about them, us, than trying to replace us. cause if they were trying to replace us, why not just kiIl us? to actively try to replace us, they'd have to and have to care about us in the first place. with all the new policies, the government trying to copy the states and turn right-wing and remove rights, all the taxes, the stolen money, the silencing, the lack of action, change and listening to the people, the lack and degradation of needed public services, the rising prices in everything (the housing and the price just for food, FOOD, when both should be free), what impression does it give its people?

still on with canada, the government lies, it lies to immigrants before they choose to become immigrants, lying about the state canada is in, embellishing it, to attract them, lies by omission, embellishment, gaslighting.. it all seems like a corporate lie, like the same exact tactics capitalist brands and corporates use to gaslight people and make them buy their products and make profits. that makes ay think that it's exploitation they're buying, cheap labor (modern-day slavery and exploitation), the rich, a class of businesspeople and people who can help increase profits for corporations. what if all of it was a capitalist lie, that even the ndp, is in about? to "subtly" increase two classes: the rich and the poor; and make the rich richer. "we need immigrants", "we need immigrants", they say? no we don't, the citizens don't want to do those jobs or can't because they're exploitation and there are no current actual services that help with burnout, mental health issues and disabilities; who loses profits when the poor don't show up to work? the upper class. who partially has to pay for health care services? the upper class. who loses profits when the poor get equal rights or respected by the system? the upper class. the government isn't trying to address nor solve our needed public services issues, our rising prices crises, they're deflecting, they're trying to be and turn canada more capitalist, more unequal like the states, and are refusing to take care or its population and pay what needs to be paid (they'd rather keep that money in their pockets, or pay for projects like alberta oil, not caring about the damages to the land, the ecosystem, the environment and the public opinion, as long as they get their pockets filled after that). why are the capitalists so scared of a stagnant population number and a decreasing one? because it's anti-capitalism, it's late stage capitalism and it shows that capitalism is dying, slowly dying, in their stats, they are trying to avoid and stop late stage capitalism and the end of it from happening. it's a known fact that rich celebrities are out of touch, but the rich and politicians are just as out of touch, they can't bare the thought of actually being one of the average, poor citizens (the higher-ups especially)

now back to stuff that applies more globally

most of the time, immigrants, worldwide, become settlers, colonizers, because that's what colonialism and capitalism have made it out to be, have made immigration out to be; and capitalism also encourages settler colonialism

settlers went around the world, to change its land to what they wanted, without regards to the indigenous populations already living there, or to the actual health of the land and ecosystem itself much. today, settler colonialism shows up in modern-day capitalism, with modern-day capitalism, building new houses, buildings, corporates, businesses, pipelines, concrete roads, even fields (land exploitation), on stolen indigenous land, without regards to the still-alive indigenous populations about it, no consultations, no conversations, no consent, no trying to get consent, their ideas, their propositions, their wants, needs or knowledge, their voices about it

settler colonialism shows up in the mentality, ignoring indigenous rights and ancestral knowledge they've been preserving, maintaining, passing down for thousands of years

it's not only american imperialism that attracts immigrants to north america, it's colonialism, it attracts worldwide: usa, canada, latin america, all of south america, oceania, islands, even japan, china, west and south africa, and many more (on different aspects of it: all of "europe"); where settlers have arrived, are known to be and are "accepted" by law, general population and culture to ignore indigenous populations completely

*am not painting immigrants as "bad" or wrong, they're people first and foremost (let's not alienate nor dehumanize them), and i said they can act as such, not that they always necessarily are, no, of course not, this isn't to target nor oppress any group, the point is to point out a much larger problem: settler colonialism, colonialism in and of itself, and colonization and racism, etc, and other systems of oppression

immigrants come from all kinds of backgrounds: rich to poor, that country to that country; if someone rich, especially for business, immigrates to another country, they are much more likely to destroy or damage the land and the ecosystem, than the poor, simply because they have the money and status too (and ressources, power and usually mentality, entitlement and ignorance to the realities of first nations)

it's not just the people who were born on that land and spent their whole lives there, or are descendants of european settlers in the region, who can exploit and destroy the land, with no regards to the natural ecosystem and first nations, it's anyone living there or having the ressources to access it (the land); i'm talking about it, cause they're primarly the ones getting called out for it and they get a voice for it, but the rest shouldn't be silenced or ignored either when it does as much harm (even if it does less, as long as indigenous people and the land aren't respected, it will do harm either way).. to dismantle a system, you have to dismantle and address all aspects

when the poor participates and does that too, it has the same effect, settler colonialism, exploitation of the land, damaging and hurting the ecosystem, disrespecting rights: of indigenous people and all of nature itself

when ignorance about history prevails, the disrespect towards first nations and nature only continues

capitalism needs to go, ignorance must go and the truth and knowledge must come forth to everyone's eyes

i made long paragraphs about preserving our culture "tied" to our language, they completely disregarded that and started the conversation with "the fact that you wrote the language like that proves that you already lost it", stfu, changing spelling isn't losing a language first of all, that's manipulation, gaslighting and just invalidating, completely disregarding our culture preservation, while parading that they are, while attacking my own being, my own self and how i exist, whom I AM from the culture (for example, this wasn't in english, it was some awful shit, i was spelling like i speak, in fact to preserve our culture, like how in aave or black english "the" might be spelled "da", "they" might be spelled "dey", "that" might be spelled "dat", "though" might be spelled "tho" and else, those examples don't just apply to black english or aave and they might add their own dialects, their own verb usage and phrasing, their own words they made up for themselves)

so i responded with how it's not killing our culture and blah blah blah, i forgot, and at the end that it's elistism and classism (knowing that if i also mentionned ableism they would not listen, and might even attack me more extremely), and then they responded again, and that's when they started saying, equating culture to colonial spelling

that fucking colonizer mindset, gets me so mad

that's what all their paragraphs were about, twisting my words, my arguments (i was also tired and not feeling like arguing so i didn't say everything and put all my energy into it), i went on and said that culture ≠ fucking spelling, that that's not what culture is, for a few paragraphs, that a culture is not written language (it would be ridiculous to equate your culture to a written language too, that would mean you have no culture, actually, which i didn't say, culture is so much more than that), it was so ridiculous the gaslighting, the energy they made me put into this, and they themselves poured into (literally responded to everything within 10 minutes, with a paragraph, took notes from my pragraphs about my "spelling mistakes", fuck u /ntargeted) and how they completey ignored all of my points (especially that it's elitism and classism) while expecting me and trying to force me to change my mindset to theirs, fucking shit

for hours, they even nitpicked on my spelling, ignoring all the instances i used it correctly, my specific word choice like how i changed "you" to "u" (once, those are equivalents in english) and used the "useless" like, like they said, slang, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT PRESERVING A CULTURE IS, LANGUAGE EVOLVES, SLANG AND USING SLANG PRESERVES A LANGUAGE, it's not my fault your elite ass feels offended that i sound "too poor, young and disabled" for you

i even brought up how creole and haitian creole specifically was created and preserved through breaking the chains, not by appealing to some colonizers and arbitrary, made up language rules, that they chose their own spelling and that's how it helped and helps them

i brought up mandarin, that they simplified the spelling to preserve it (AND THAT NOBODY WOULD WRITE IT IF THEY DIDN'T AND THAT THE SIMPLIFICATION IS WHAT FUCKING SAVED IT (i didn't actually say that, i told them that they can easily find info on that on the internet, they didn't even acknowledge it))

they acknowledged the point about creole and refused to make the connection with our language and our spelling, refused to

the gaslighting, the brainrotting

(i told them, written language is a tool that can help preserve culture, not that it's culture itself, too, they didn't listen on that nor acknowledged that either)

at some point, i gave up and said "we won't agree", i wasn't gonna let them win or think that i agree in any way by not responding, ever, "but it's okay to not agree on that", something like that (which made them seemingly stop responding), BUT NO IT'S NOT, because they're propagating harmful, bullshit, brainrotted, colonizer, childist, ableist, elitist, classist, disgusting behavior, i unconsensually "gave up" cause i was tired that they were not listening and trolling me, gaslighting, bringing nothing, ignoring everything i say, twisting my arguments, that was disgusting

they did it so much that they gaslighted me that and made me feel like it's "incorrect" and wrong to not have colonizer, white, "pristine", elite spelling, IT'S NOT WRONG, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SPELLING "MISTAKES", CHANGING SPELLING, LANGUAGES EVOLVES AND HAS EVOLVED FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, STOP AND DON'T ACT LIKE IT STOPPED IN THE 1900s AND THAT ITS GONNA BE THE SAME FOR THE REST OF THE YEARS AND THE NEXT 2000 YEARS, WTF

you didn't spell wrong, they gaslighted, gaslit, you for long periods of time, refused to listen to you or any reality and "proof" around you, which is another form of gaslighting and manipulation, they were just doing disrespect, mistreatement, ableism, classism, childism, elitism, colonialism and "tried" to act like the police to your own culture and your own self expression, wtf

🫪 that was their mind 🫪, my mind was like 🏃🫯, theirs was bloated 🫂🤝

they were literally trying to repress your own slang and culture, self-expression, if that isn't code policing and oppression

i used to write out of a place of being an animal, being always right (deep down, not that "right" exists, but my being), creating, creativity, self and mutual or collective respect, thinking, loving, a place of love, i still love, but it's not the same anymore

i focused on myself, when i wrote tumblr posts, they weren't always positive, and that's okay, it's okay for them to be negative, but they were made while i felt human, was treated as such, was figuring myself out differently, was treated with respect in my life (apart from the abuse), and if i ever criticize or insulted someone or a group (i never insulted, but rather brought down), it wasn't a lot, it wasn't blaming them for my problems, it was to make myself feel better, or safer and happier in a way

but now.. i bring people and groups down just to make myself feel better than them, paint them as "bad people", blame them, out of unresolved/repressed/suppressed anger, even if they're my people's colonizers and they are to blame and be called out for lots of issues they're bringing, it's not just their fault, it's on my own people too, they hold responsibility

i can see various reasons for this

even my pattern recognition skills are degrading, because the collective brainrot is horrendously pervasive

*in no specific order

1. being out of touch with my feelings and suppressing, repressing them, parts of it is due to the total lack of validation in my circle, the way my mom started abusing my sibling, over again, with emotional invalidation, constantly, and me, and i hear that all the time, being not listened to; feeling like i'm yelling for help, to be heard, for this and that and "nobody" hears it (even online)

2. being taught to not get attached to things and people, it wasn't a thing back then, and it was reinforced by people, but it's mostly from my own brain trying to protect myself, cause i've been feeling hurt and crying over 6 friends i "lost" over 4 months ago, from them not showing up in my life, for me, for anything about me (and i still call them friends?), so i repress myself, my feelings, my pain, how much I CRAVEEE that they send me a text and show that they care, for months, cause who else do i have anymore besides them? my family? that's not the same. they don't text me (it was me the last time i texted them), so i picked up on it and struggled so hard to not text them, cause i love them and talking to them that much, i realized that it's almost always me doing all the talking, texting first, getting excited, and they seemed to maybe gradually care less and less, so i pulled away (with difficulty) to see how long, if they'll ever, text back (or first), they didn't, haven't yet; the amount of energy i spend on this

3. being called bots and "npc" online, or irl even, the fact that now humans dehumanize others humans, and themselves, and hurt themselves and others, by calling people bots and npc's, nearly everywhere, is disgusting and harmful, it's dehumanizing, unhealing, and not only do you lower your and everyone else's self esteem by doing that, you literally gaslight people that they're bots, including yourself; and that rubbed off on me, i always deny it in my head or out loud and never do that, but coming out of a traumatizing deeply unhealthy escapism period, where i spent so much time and energy doing unhealthy escapism (all escapism is unhealthy, but i'll add to that another day) that i ended up in danger mode, constantly, severe dissociating, for months, never processing any feeling and severe depersonalization and derealization, i need and need healing from that, that gaslit me and made me feel like i'm a bot; I'M A HUMAN, AN ANIMAL, NATURE, NOT A BOT; i'm a fucking human healing, give me that healing, welcome that healing, not that toxicity

4. the use of the word "evil" for everything and that kinda thing, it was just some kinda xtians who did that, not everyone, not as common, where practically every single place i go that talks about anti-capitalism and corporations they use the word "evil", "evil" doesn't exist, stop doing that, plus just a few years ago people would actually call what it is, wrong, that they're doing wrong, they were forgiving, now they're in the "trump" "evil" mindset? wtf, that's not okay, everyone is a human being capable of critical thing, corporates aren't alive either nor is ai don't humanize either of them, they aren't

5. all the "critical thinking" content i see is brainrotted, either it's not critical thinking and just religious stuff, either it's nihilism and kinda religious stuff too, i'm not religious! stop, that's not critical thinking, that's indoctrination and nihilism, we need actual critical thinking

6. i make much less efforts communicating, speaking, in my word choice, because others don't; why would i make efforts to make it complex and "critical thinking", "well thought" when you treat others like shit and constantly call them names or whatever other insults you throw at them? /rh besides, i've tried showing love, making points, for years, but people barely listen if at all, most don't register it (some totally understand it, love it, love them for it, but they're not the majority, not the ones i'm exposed to and am stuck interacting with)

7. i'm lonely, it's hard not to be angry when you're fucking angry and nobody, no friends, family yells at you and insults you (called me a literal broom for not being in the mood and not responding "critically" to what he wants, i had just cried prior to it and was on the verge of crying, i didn't wanna talk), no friends make the effort to talk to you.. i'm not just treated worthless and as worthless, i feel worthless, not the worthful i used to feel and help people feel

8. i've been gaslighted, some of that awful talking shit, is "revenge" of some sorts, for being gaslighted by those same people i'm "attacking", it's wrong, both is wrong, a relationship goes both ways and right now it's only going one way, which is me, receiving and attacking... like.. my feelings.. they matter, i matter, i should not receive your bullshit gaslighting and i should not attack you and only for that to be silenced, ignored and totally unimpacting as if it and i didn't exist and i didn't feel anything, like nothing impacts you anymore, you still care, so why do you? it's so alienating and dehumanizing

we need to heal collectively

it's so hard to put emotions into it and out there, not cause it's hard to, but because emotionless is common wherever i see it, spaces promote not using emojis, insult or criticize emojis and colors, feelings, never use emotions in their wordings, it's so fucking awful 🤬😤😩😫😰😥 LET ME FEEL AND HAVE TO 🫨😵‍💫🤕☹️😢

i knew my take was gonna be controversial (especially since i was trying to bring the point of not commonizing emotional invalidation, toxicity and repression), but they degrade and dehumanize me in all kinds of the most hurtful ways people from my own culture could have done

i'm crying, and for a whole 30 minutes i felt so unsafe, my adrenaline so high, that i was violently shaking for that long

and the mean posts that bash people get upvoted and encouraged

you might say "that's what reddit is like" but it's so hard to believe it for me, cause that's real people behind screens, telling beings that, no regards to their feelings, i feel like any space humans are supposed to be human, not toxic and mean, harmful, wrong bots

that's why i'd wanted to emigrate to other countries, other cultures, to save myself, cause they seem so much nicer "but my people are friendly" is such a lie, and then they wonder why our culture is disappearing when people like me call it out, point out the problems we get silenced and/or ignored

can you comfort me in comments or something?

this is so hurtful 😢😭

like i'm scared, traumatized, i have deep issues, so i can't carry the whole world's weight issues on my back, but the way some people act, like they are so deeply insecure that they need constant validation and reassurance, i feel like i'm the one who should provide it cause i "can" and know how, but it's not mentioning how mentally, emotionally exhausting and unrealistic that is, people have to go on their own journeys of healing, self-validation, emotional validation (and not alone, with other people, the help of others, but multiple people, never one), it hurts

like i don't have to carry the whole world on my back, but what will it take for people to finally fucking heal and get social skills and start socializing?

i have my own hard time socializing, mostly because i just traumatized, gaslit myself and "survived" in so much fiction recently (and harmful roleplaying) that i got traumatized, addicted, heavily gaslighted, heavily disconnecting, constantly not processing my feelings (for months, more like a year or so), dissociating and depersonalization-derealization (and acting like i'm not me), now i've put a stop to it and slowly coming back to reality more and more and being more myself, and regaining power, healing that, but that takes time, and i spent so much time in escapism that i feel like my thoughts "aren't up to date anymore" hence why i keep rejecting them, which is so harmful, cause of course they're up to date, they're thoughts, they're present, it's not cause the last time i heard someone say this real truth was 4 years ago, that it makes it any less true

i have to regain confidence in myself and stop consuming influencer bullshit content (the one that gets pushed on me by social media)

i'm so annoyed

i just want my brains back, but to get that i have to allow it to be back and my thoughts to exist and my fucking deep, and awesome, feelings (i'm hypersensitive) to exist and be expressed and felt

i just feel lonely like i have no one to turn to right now, cause back then i did, but now.. social media has taken on such a harmful scale on such a huge scale (amount of people) that it's hard to find that, that support, even in my own family, my own "friends" (i would call them friends, except they're not here when i need them, only if i'm feeling really really not it, like once every 3 months, not more than that, never start conversations on their own and i feel like i'm the only one keeping the friendship alive, so they're not really friends, if i have to do all the work and we don't talk even once in 3 months, repeatedly back to back)

it's hard

i know i'm not alone tho, i never am, support is out there, i just have to find it or make it, with my own family for example

it's gonna be long, take time

siblings have so much chemistry and so much that they were the first i spotted as having genuine chemistry while growing up (i spent most of my early life not knowing what "chemistry" was, but eventually learned), it's just so awful to see the forced, performative, fabricated romance get called "chemistry" most of the time, and then genuine chemistry being mislabeled as "romantic"

it's not romantic!!! do you see siblings as having romantic attraction towards each other just cause they have chemistry? no!

tf not

i'm tired, friends often have chemistry and yet they don't get labeled as "romantically attracted to each other" and shipped, whatever that means, unless they're cis and male x female, LIKE?! hello?! that's just heteronormativity right there

i see genuine people having chemistry and i find it awesome as a viewer to see, it makes me more comfortable, but then i see comments shipping them romantically... ruins the whole thing, it makes me feel angry too, like come on, let them live, no need to apply your "self insert romance" onto them and bullshit ideas you've been taught

it's like that performative, forced, fabricated romance i mentioned, the one some salsa dancers or some acrobats do, (usually couples), it's like so blatantly performative and forced (even if they do have genuine chemistry, it's just performative romance) that i don't understand at all how some people get turned on by it and fawn over it, like.. it's not cute or pretty, it's just a forcibly intense performance

i don't think many people realize how much of romance is just fake, and performative bullshit done out of social pressure and conformity one's been heavily taught into

i hate it

and i've been forced into it too 😠 like me and my friend (he's a cis guy, while people ahem assume and assign me as _ a certain thing (i'm trans so don't wanna say it), got shipped cause we had chemistry?? like come on now, me and him (well idk about him) both know that we don't have romance nor sexual tension going on lmao wtf, we're just friends, vibing cause we're from the same culture, live nearby, are both autistic, both get a little tossed to the side for being different from the others, "norm"

it's so annoying

first off, the latter is disgusting and wrong

second, most lolitas have lost the genuine meaning behind lolita, and instead mistake "preserving" with "policing someone's fashion", they're not the same

lolita fashion started in japan as a response to sexualization, to free themselves, look at old school lolita, they'd get bullied, shamed and called "not lolita" if they wore that today, that says a lot about the current toxicity ramping in lolita culture

it's not cause you were gaslighted by someone else about what preserving a fashion style is, that it makes it okay to perpetuate that harmful behavior

*everyone makes mistakes and that's okay, it's okay to make mistakes*

preserving a fashion means keeping old images somewhere (in general, take a look at historians and how victorian fashion was passed down or preserved: some old pieces that were kept not-decomposed, but mostly paintings, drawings and books, people also accepted that fashion changed and that only few kept it alive if at all, not everyone, not even near the majority), WEARING IT YOURSELF, you want to preserve a certain lolita look? continue wearing it! it's not forcing people to wear it (in YOUR WAY, you think, or have been taught, to be "better"), or mistreating them and policing their self expression (or them even) that will preserve it, it will only lead to its death and downfall in the end, cause it's toxic!! and it makes people unhappy, nobody stays in unhappiness forever when they know there's something happier outside that they can experience right now

liberate yourselves, you're free, be you, no expectations, no rules, no laws, no punishments 🩷

it's not about "pushing boundaries and rules", there are no boundaries, it's a fashion, not a being, not a rulebook, it's freedom (but it originated as a response to lack of it, to mistreatment, which further back originated from a place of oppression (victorian fashion)), it's literally born as a rebellion, take power in that, own it

fashion isn't a cage, it's supposed to be primarly (thousands of years of humanity have shown that) for comfortable protection against harsh environment, conditions or physical dangers (like thorns)

it's cause my mentality is anti-white supremacy, anti-bullshit, anti-oppression, so that means fuck the rules, fuck beauty standards, fuck accessories, i will not wear accessories, i will wear whatever the heck i want, truly, no one gives a f*, i truly believe in comfort, in emotions and happiness not "beauty rules" BS

and i truly feel lolita, my love for it, i cherish it, i cherish the frills, i cherish the art, i wanna do lolita art and anyone bringing it or me down can't imagine the smile it gives me, if it did give you such a broad smile, would you like someone commenting on it negatively, telling you to suppress your self expression? no, never

i don't care about the rules, if "whether or not it follows a fucking rulebook", rules are shit and meant to be broken, not followed, i won't change my mentality, who i am, and cosplay, pretend to be someone else i'm not who looks a certain way just to please "pearl-clutching" people

fuck that

i won't stand for shit

fuck lolita rules

there's no rules in fashion, the only rules are actually laws imposed by the governement, that's it, that means you can practically wear anything you ever want. if a government can be that free, then you can see how lolita rules are just a cage and that's toxic, unhealthy, unhappy (i wish for y'all to find true happiness)

it's not me trying to get picked on, that's victim blaming, it's me affirming myself

i revolt

if i wanna wear lolita with "mismatched" sneakers, a hoodie, tights, with no care about whether it matches or not, IT'S OKAY, IT'S VALID AND I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO

"matching" is very subjective, don't act like it's not, what matches to you doesn't for someone else and what doesn't match to you, matches for someone else, boom! i always see "coord"s that don't match at all imo, do i say something? no! because it matches to you and your happiness and want is all that matters

i don't have to please you, i wear clothes cause i'm forced to, to protect myself and cause i want to, nobody tells me what to or "not to" wear, i do me and that's it, THAT'S FUCKING IT

it hurts to see "kissing" in society, in so many conversations, so normalized, i mean it's fine, it was fine when i was more than a decade younger, but the thing is now it's different

it's not like back then when the only times i'd get asked about my "kissing experience", mostly by then friends (which would make me deeply uncomfortable and almost trigger me), because i knew they were just repeating what they've been taught, were just saying what they heard older people say and care about, they meant no assault in that

but today, these days, ever since i was 12, maybe it's just the media that's changed, maybe it's cause we're older and i'm not exactly watching stuff made by people under 12 for people under 12, i feel pressured

pressured to kiss, i don't wanna kiss, i don't wanna hear about kissing, I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT KISSING ON THE MOUTH FEELS LIKE

any implications and the amount of people i've seen force it, makes me now associate most mentions of kissing with that, insecurities of not being enough (for what? not kissing and being traumatized)

you know what i do? i push my feelings and trauma away, "removing them" (that's super unhealthy and disrespectful), from my SA at 3-4 to try to remember what it was like and felt like on the lips to be "kissed", it was literally assault, i suffered, cried and got heavily traumatized from it, i pushed the memories away for nearly 2 decades, and yet society made me feel like i don't have the right to not "know" what "kissing on the lips" is, not to feel it, not to want it, not to imagine it, not to have ever experienced it cause i was assaulted, and even if i wasn't, i have every right not to want to experience it and not to "experience" it ever in my life, i don't have to want it, i don't fucking have to. even my "friends" made me feel like there was something wrong with me, especially when i mention not dating in my life, there's nothing wrong with me nor my feelings

i have the right to be traumatized, not to think about it, not to know or want "happy kissing", i have kissing experience and it's awful cause it was mostly assault (i'm thinking of the non-mouth pecks i used to give my mom consensually too)

i don't have to imagine my trauma, at all

leave me alone, leave my mind alone, don't disrespect me

i don't wanna talk about it, don't wanna think about it, and that's okay

i have every right to, i don't want kisses and i physically cringe and get somewhat triggered every time i read the word "kiss" and all its variant forms, every time, the only one that wasn't entirely like that, less, was "strawberry kisses" until i heard the song while being fluent in english, i hate it and i have the right to, it's valid

i don't know what it's like to "be kissed" cause i forgot and subconsciously chose to forgot, for my own health

same goes for butts, i just started feeling comfortable in mine, not fearing i'd constantly get SA'd, physically or visually, from having one, WHILE being alone with myself, all alone

i spent most of my life feeling uncomfortable in it and fearing even all the time while alone, heavy trauma and the victim blaming trauma, lies and teachings i was raised and grew up in

right now i feel uncomfortable with my lips because of the trigger

i hate being SA'd, really fucking hate it and fucking hated it 😭 /gen

the amount of times my butt got disrespected and booties in general get, i can't stand it

i just started fearing again idk why, i was comfortable yesterday for the first time, and idk why i got triggered and i'm now scared, i think it was my mom

my mom SA'd me before, many times, CSA and harrassment, i hate it, she stopped, i'm safe now, but my trauma is very real and my escapism paired with dissociation is causing me to constantly imagine being SA'd by some random identityless guy, wtf is wrong with...

let's stop using them as "synonyms" when they're not, at all

unisex: means one thing for all sexes (literally)

"gender-neutral", i hate it, it's harmful bullshit, "gender" focuses on gender for things that aren't gendered, then "neutral" implies (and much more) the existence of "neutral" when it doesn't, it's just gender repression, suppression and putting on a cage, we shouldn't "neutralize" gender when the point of inclusivity is to get rid of gender bias, assignments and that exact cage, to embrace diversity, inclusivity, expressions, "gender-neutral" is dehumanizing

that's wrong and disrespect, self disrespect, i need to respect myself more

it hurts

and stop letting others' gaslighting gaslight you and brainwash you, invalidate your feelings for fear of conflict and "cancel culture"

your feelings are all valid, stand up for yourself, you're worthy of it and it's worthy of it, you matter

"cancel culture" is such bullshit, it started, in black english, as a way to call out bullshit and wrongdoings, not cancel people, humans, it never was, so wtf has happened with tiktok, "cancelling humans" that's so ridiculous and actually white supremacy (for more on that maybe read the "white supremacy culture" paper by tema okun)

don't let other people's fear of "being 'cancelled'" (actually reduced, classified and categorized as 'bad', ostracized and rejected as a being), control your actions and police your feelings, you don't have to fear something or do something just cause someone else does and that's okay

it's okay to create conflict, it's healthy to, healthy to express yourself, you are desired, your opinions are desired, your feelings are desired. imagine a world without feelings and emotions, it would be shit and awful, people feel the same about your feelings, even if they often invalidate them, they feel and want them. conflict is healthy, it's desired, it's a way to cope and solve issues, resolve, recover, conflict doesn't mean "throwing hits, violence and insults at people", no, that's violence and fighting (and verbal violence), conflict means health

i've always embraced conflict until now, until i've been so gaslighted that i fear it, so traumatized that i fear abuse and assault when i create conflict, or respond to conflict (perhaps)

the idea that "conflict is bad" is wrong, it's harmful, it's unhealthy, lies and innacurate, it's bullshit

the truth is conflict is health, awesome and prevents issues AND helps people, feelings, nature and everything, it's love, an expression of love and care

before i used to be able to separate conflict, aggressivity, violence, verbal violence, unsafety, abuse and assault; that's how i was raised, then somewhere along the way i forgot, maybe i've been too brainwashed by social media and other people's gaslighting

but i can remember, i can still remember, relearn what i knew and know deep down

people forget and remember a bunch of things, forgetting something wise you knew is okay, and then remembering it or relearning it years later is okay

so is not knowing and learning something brand new, it's okay

it makes me feel angry when i tell people and they still reinforce those lies instead of opening their eyes and accepting all bodies and health

weight is just a measure of gravity, a construct

it's not for "health" that "doctors" or self-called "specialists" use that, it's to control people and shame, to pick and choose what bodies "should" or "should not" be accepted

i thought with the rise of body acceptance years ago and how much of those "health advice" are just fatphobic lies (when the mainstream population seemed to be waking up more, their eyes opening to the truth, following the disgusting fat shaming shows and media), that something like that wouldn't happen, again, with people not standing this shit, but it did and seems to have taken over many spaces (in most mainstream conversations about self esteem issues caused by sizeism), to the point that any time you try to call it out, they try to silence you with more bullshit, anti-intellectualism, elitism wrapped in sizeism too

or maybe it was the other way around

if it wasn't about romance, i'd bare it, probably, like a friendship bond about sex, isn't that awesome? 😄

but no, they always put romance fucking everywhere

and i'm romance repulsed, that fucking bullshit- i can't stand it- ew

makes self viciously uncomfortable

when i was a preteen, still uncomfortable with that, but i didn't get the concept of romance, to me it was just this fiction thing they sometimes portray in media and everything else this amazing bond

but it wasn't

i grew up and realized the bullshit of romance and how people actually put their beings onto that 🤮 and put this made-up-thing on a pedestal, like, get the fuck out, stfu

anyway i'm angry that it rots my shows and i can't enjoy a single modern media thing because of the toxic culture of today that it was made in

back then, rewatching 2016 and 2017 movies and series, yes there was annoying romance tropes that made me uncomfortable, but it wasn't the whole plot point, it seemed real like a human connection, but not romance (just a fictional concept), but now-

now it's shit, it's like the modern, common society has internalized so much bullshit that you get these disgusting things

and collective brain rot

the majority of humans don't enjoy these things, that's why they don't watch, but why is it pushed down out throats, why can't we have a single piece of film media without that shit

they've turned fictional romance (bareable to me, unpleasant, but can be bareable), to this shitty "real" thing where it's just pretending it's real and gaslighting (as if it wasn't originally, BUT, the original wasn't shoved down our throats, it was deemed as fictional, not so painful ways that it now is for some reason)

i hate tiktok

why do people go on there

why do people post fucking videos on youtube with their faces fucking video edited with these weird filters and face-size-changing filters

ew

collective brain rotting

go back to what we knew, the nature we enjoyed

people were living in dreams and ignorance, and nature, there was a connection to nature, now it's just bullshit: you literally live like your dreams are reality or facts, wtf is that?!

get out

ew

for this, self will misuse i/me/my for clarity purposes, not because self identifies with it

i was doing something, dancing, I got so hyped up with the idea of pleasing and impressing others and certain people to come (late classmates/schoolmates) that i forgot to please myself

sometimes the idea of pleasing others is more appealing than pleasing yourself

i'll explain why

i used to (and still) dream of, imagine certain people's reactions to my dancing, to my likings and my art and skills, my perks and other things about me, to satisfy the void of loneliness, created by a lack of friends, social connection, emotional support and support in general, that delusion, like talking to myself—i used to make youtube videos, a decade ago, which was me pretending making youtube videos, talking to myself and showcasing my room and stuff—later, more recently, I understood it as a deep need and craving for social connection, a need to say those things out loud to people and not telling them lead me to imagining it, so that I could fulfill it and feel more whole, full and fully myself, it was fun, it's healthy, not unhealthy, but it hinted to me an unhealthy part: the lack of social connection, love shown and support, things I needed (still do, like everyone) and didn't have ☹️ it's sad and also deeply frustrating, upsetting and angering, I need that, give it to me

but society and humans are far more complex than that, they don't just give like that when they've been taught not to and haven't been allowed to, that's what lead me to my depression, plural s

and with that I realized that today, I fell into that too, with social media, feeling lonely made me consume lots of and hours of dancing and choreos, but that never truly filled the void from lack of support and love shown I felt and still feel

it hurts

and it hurts

and that's valid, I was watching videos, getting that flame back from it, after, got extinguished by my so-called "friends", whom I've cut off, they didn't support me, didn't encourage me when I first share my video of dancing, they ignored it and didn't awknowkedge it, people often don't talk about the hurt it feels from getting ignored like that, brushed off, it's not okay, i've seen stuff (mostly on reddit) about ignoring those people and many really mean comments hurting the person's feelings for being hurt, blaming them, stop blaming them, it's not your fault, it's not their fault, it's not my fault, that's victim blaming, for getting ignored and expecting support, but that's what a community is like? mutual support? speaks to you? it's what a community is like, they don't know what a community is like and what they said was just white supremacy and colonial rethoric, bullshit. that was hurtful, really hurtful, what's not encouraging is that, how can you violently attack emotions like that and expect people to obey your orders? your fucking orders! that's not! how it works!! no! no 🤬

i'm tired of this shit grandpa, so here i'll really tell you the truth, it matters, everything matters, and your feelings matter, your hurt matters, your pain matters and you have every right to feel all of that. it's not cause you had it "the hard way" that everyone has to, nobody has to go through that again, not you, not me, not them, not us, we're people, not fucking robots, we have feelings and we are to be respected, we have every right to respect!!

what i wanted to say about doing things for others vs doing them for yourself is that i don't wanna chase, i wanna be me, not do, learn and post things to seek a perceived, imagined, idea of approval by people who won't give it to you, to self, but to post things, IF i want to post them, for myself, because you can't tell me to expect friends to act like strangers, that's just no, a hard pass, i wanna be loved, appreciated, cherished in every aspect that i am, it's not about me doing this and that, it's about me being loved, and my friends are supposed to love me, if they can't show it, after all i poured into our relationship then it's gone, someday they'll learn and maybe one day they'll realize and come back to me, ask me about it, it's not delusional, it's reality, i feel insecure, insecure that i'm not gonna be loved and accepted like i should, but as my mom said "y'on pà a parlé", which means they should cherish me and help me, because not insulting is not enough, friends cherish you, that's what friendship is about, not just casual socializing, it's about true bond, and it hurts, but I want my friends to cherish me, to show me the love that I show them and more, but they don't, that's what lead to my "search for social acceptance", i spent more time imagining my skills in 6 months, of practicing, than practicing, it was fun, but i wanna practice, not only seek comfort in imagining, but it's true, it's true that gripping to my imagination and those best case scenarios is what kept me going, not that the worst case scenarios are gonna happen, there's nothing wrong with imagining the best case scenarios, but i needed that comfort, the need to show and share my dance, my dance journey and socialize is too strong for me to pretend and go all alone, i don't wanna be by myself and i don't have to, dancing is inherently communal and i've always danced with others until this year, which is what discouraged me, the loneliness, the true loneliness that many people brush under the rug, we have to address, i have to address it, i have to feel it, embrace it and accept it to process it and live through it, that's what embracing is all about: showing your love

and so, i need my love, i don't want my friends, i want my dancing and excitement, the joy it gives me and brings, i wanna share it too, but i don't wanna be in a social media bubble, i wanna be connected, faking for social media isn't my thing, it was never my thing 😂, if you'd seen the amount of social media accounts i've deleted out of faking and that toxic energy and social pressure, that lack of shown love, you'd laugh 😂 i would

it hurts to think about all the things i did, from hurt, because nobody showed me emotional support, that's what and why i'm crossing these friends / they don't need me for their happiness, they need joy in their lives and i'm happy to bring it, but not when it's one-sided, that's unfair, disrespectful, hurting and selfish, i need my joy, that gives me depression, every fucking time, every fucking time and hurt