Deception Hall

All I lack is the courage to finally kill myself; it never comes, and when it does, everything goes wrong. I'm not being sent to a mental hospital, it's worse; there I'd be drugged and at least I wouldn't be in my right mind. But now I'm going to be locked in my mind, trapped with myself, wondering why everything went so wrong.

To feel everything or to feel nothing, a fatal dilemma. For people with heightened emotions, the answer is obvious, but for me, feeling is a privilege I've never had, and apparently never will.

Sometimes I think, I just wanted to be a rebellious girl in pure combustion, but I'm a fake girl, depressed and on a Tumblr that nobody sees or even cares about, what's wrong with me? Why do I say all this? Like, nobody gives a damn.

I feel inadequate for being so little and annoying for wanting to be so much.

It's very difficult to understand, I didn't create something with you, not because of delays or stalling, but because I know I'm going to hurt you and with that I'll end up feeling worse than I already am. But nobody will understand this, until then I'll just be the person who took too long, the retard.

Sometimes, but only sometimes, I think about how I wish I were someone different from myself, from my friends or people on the internet, good and nice people, but that wouldn't change anything. I was going to become them and destroy everything like I always do, innocent girl, thinking that something would change if I were someone else, stupid girl, nothing would change, you would continue being a malicious egocentric, a little egocentric dumb girl

I think I'm so ridiculous, I insist I don't want anyone to know, but when they do, I want them to see, to give me more attention, you wretched liar, you know all this is just to soothe your ego and your Desperate for attention, you dumb bitch, you stupid, dumb bitch, you keep lying to yourself until you fool yourself, but you can't, you can't lie to yourself if you know it's a lie. Just die already, you fucking little whore.