color is my day-long obsession

Sebastian held his breath as he waited for an answer. For some strange reason, he had been craving a Rice Krispy treat and he only hoped the other customer didn't have the same craving that he did. "Thanks," he replied as a smile stretched across his face. "What kind of snacks are you looking for tonight?"

"I'm just looking for salty stuff." She said, holding up the array of snacks she already had. "I can't sleep, thought I'd binge watch Bridgerton and see if that helps me drift off." She explained, she never really struggled with insomnia that often. "What about you?"

"Oh, crap," Lena suddenly commented with a huff of laughter, "which one do I start with? Because I'm afraid I need all things." Not only did she want to be moved by a movie, she also wanted to have a o=good laugh. As they moved up and got a smidge closer to the window, Lena was doing her best to make a decision on which candy she should get. "I'm gonna try to catch them all. Just depends on how busy the cafe gets through all the festivities. Which one are you watching tonight?"

"Well, I'm watching Bottoms tonight." Lila said, as they began to move up the line. "I watched it for the first time when it hit streaming, and loved it. I couldn't catch it in the cinema though because seeing movies in the city is expensive. And I'm pretty poor." She said, letting out a small laugh. At this point in her life, she had actual hope of changing that. "I'd say just watch whatever one draws you in the most first."

There it was — the kind of truth that stripped something out of her chest and left nothing behind but the echo of it. Her body stilled, like even her breathing had to recalibrate after hearing it. You were a mistake. It hit harder than anything Lila had ever thrown at her. Harder than the shouting, harder than the nights spent in silence across from one another at a dinner table too small for all the shit they never said. She didn’t flinch, though. She just sat with it. Let it hurt. "Yeah," Bex murmured, the word scraped raw from her throat. “You think I don’t already replay every moment I could’ve done better? Said less? Been more?” Her voice trembled — not with rage, but with something heavier. Regret. “I wake up some nights and think maybe if I had just gone home early that one night, maybe if I’d just said what I was really feeling instead of blowing up — maybe I wouldn’t’ve lost you.” But then she shook her head, like she was physically pushing that hope out of her system. Her jaw clenched. “But I was never gonna be the girl who made sense in your version of the future, was I?” she asked, quieter now. “Not with the way I was built. Not with the fire under my skin and the fuckups I carry like scars.” The admission about trust landed like a sucker punch, and Bex’s hand balled into a fist against her thigh. "I wrecked you," she repeated, hollow. “I never wanted to. I swear to god, I never set out to hurt you like that.” She blinked fast, eyes stinging again. “But you wrecked me too. You just did it with silence. With pretending like everything was fine until it wasn’t. Until I had to be the villain because at least then one of us was telling the truth.” She leaned back, exhausted in every way that mattered. "I hate that you hate yourself. That loving me made you feel that way." Her voice cracked then, and she didn’t bother hiding it. “But don’t forget — I loved you with everything I had. Even when it wasn’t enough.” She looked at her, not just seeing the woman next to her, but every version of her. The one she danced with in the kitchen. The one she cried with on the bathroom floor. The one who once said forever like she meant it. “I don't know how to stop loving you either,” she admitted, a whisper now. “But maybe… maybe some of that love was just holding on to who we used to be.” A beat passed. Then softer. “Maybe it’s time to let go of the ghost.”

Lila just felt a whole mess of emotions. Part of her felt like Bex was trying to justify what she did. That made her feel a little angry. Part of her felt like Bex was trying to let go. That made her sad, and little relived. Part of her felt like Bex was genuinely remorseful. That only lightened everything a little. One thing about the whole thing that made her upset that she was squandering her chance to learn new things, so surely the right thing to do was sit with what Bex was saying. Grow and learn. Maybe she could have just let go of her pride long enough to admit there was something wrong. That this wasn't the life she wanted. That she wanted college, a good job, a chance for a family one day. She opened her mouth as if she was going to admit something, before closing it again. Once again, she mulled it all over. "There is no justification for what you did." She said, gently, but firmly. "Though I could have communicated better." She agreed. "For me, it's because we got married, and that isn't as light as we treated it going in." Lila said, letting out a sigh. This was still what she firmly believed. "Just because there's love there, it doesn't mean we have to fall back into each others arms and never move on with our lives." She figured that was basically Bex's conclusion, too. Even if she said it in different words, and came to it a different way. They did need to move on.

Lila let out a small laugh when the woman confessed that she hadn't seen any of them. "Your secret is safe with me, don't worry." She said, leaning on the stand. "I should warn you that The Kids Are All Right is slightly on the problematic side, but I do have a soft spot for it because it was the first movie I saw which depicted a lesbian couple with a family." She said, thinking about how much she wanted that at one point with Bex - how much she still wanted that, just with someone else. "Though Julianne Moore is an impeccable taste in women." She added, with a small smile. "Moonlight is great. Bottoms is absolutely hilarious."

"I don't know yet," Lena answered, turning on her heel slightly as she glanced over her shoulder. "I haven't seen any of them." A shrug moved her shoulders just enough before she turned a bit more to be conversational. "How about you? Any recs on which I should see more... or which I should avoid?" The only one she'd actually heard of was Moonlight but Lena wasn't exactly up on this stuff. Her preference was for movies and tv pre 2000. The comedies of the 80's and 90's were just better, especially the romantic versions. Stories just seemed more real then rather than the entertainment it was nowadays.

"Oh, then you're in for a very good night." Lila promised, as they moved up the line. "Moonlight is rightfully prestige cinema, The Kids Are Alright is good. And Bottoms is just hilarious." She added. Honestly, Lila's taste in movies was simple, and one of the simple caveats of it was just enjoying anything that made LGBT+ people feel seen and included. “It’s worth watching them all.”

     Too many nights lately Talia had stayed up reading, going through emails, working to spite herself. The result was now the feeling of her lack of sleep catching up with her. There was a good chance she'd fall asleep through the movie. The weight of exhaustion pulled down on her as she stood patiently for her turn at the concessions. ❝ ⸻ I liked The Kids Are Alright and Moonlight, ❞ Talia answered, hoped she hadn't assumed wrong that the other was speaking to her.

"Oh, I love all three of them." Lila said, as they moved down the line. It didn't surprise her that Bottoms was the least popular in the mix - Moonlight and The Kids Are Alright were historic in her eyes. "Bottoms is absolutely hilarious." She promised the woman. "I watched it the moment it hit streaming, hadn't laughed like that in such a long time."

"you're young," he hummed, as if wishing he could turn back the gears of time and come to the same thing conclusion soon, "you've still got plenty of time to learn things." the confession was raw and far more honest than anything he would have given at her age. "i think you're doin' alright."

Lila found his words reassuring. She hoped she could finally make something of herself now that she was at this major turning point in her life. "I'm hoping to get an art history degree." She explained, which was her plan when she was in her senior year of high school. It was more straightforward, then. Four years in a good college. Now the plan was two years in community college, and two years in Portland State.

having been in windsory bay for a few years now, gabrielle was able to attend multiple pride festivals. she had been impressed quite a bit at how well the town celebrated pride. she was heading to see bottoms at the drive in and she was in line and she was waiting to get herself a pop corn and something sweet to pair with it. as she heard someone speaking to her, gabi turned around and she looked at the individual, "oh yeah, definitely. i love to see them all when they show them here. i mean i can see them at home too but there's nothing like coming to the drive in."

"Of course, of course. I've actually never been to a drive-in before." Lila confessed, she was surprised that an old town would have something so charmingly retro. It was definitely another aspect of the evening she was looking forward to. "So you come here a lot? What sort of movies to they normally play?"

Her mouth twisted like she’d just been hit — not hard, but right where it hurt most. The kind of blow you don't brace for because some stupid part of you thought maybe, maybe, the worst already passed. She looked away again, jaw tight, tears slipping down anyway. Quiet, steady. “Yeah,” she said after a beat, voice flat. “Guess I deserved that.” The silence hung heavy, thick like smoke that wouldn't clear no matter how deep she breathed. “I know I made myself the problem. I walked right into the fire. I didn’t even try to stop it.” Her fingers curled around the edge of the seat like it could keep her steady. “But we were already burning, Lila. You just...you kept pretending the flames weren’t there.” Her laugh came out bitter, broken. “We spent so long trying to prove everyone wrong, we didn’t stop to think if we were right for each other anymore.” She finally looked back at her, and it wasn’t anger in her eyes. It was something rawer. Sadder. Something that said I still love you in all the ways I wish I didn’t. “I would’ve lived in that shitty apartment forever if it still felt like home. If you still felt like home.” A pause. “But I didn’t even know how to reach you by the end. Felt like I was sleeping next to a ghost. My ghost.” Her voice cracked, but she didn’t flinch. “So yeah. I fucked it up. I’ll carry that. But don’t rewrite it like I wrecked something perfect. We both let it rot.” Then softer, her voice barely more than a breath. “I think I was just the first one to admit it.”

"It was rotting from the moment it started." Lila said, still trying to hold back the tears. Something about the way Bex was looking at her just made it worse - it was look that communicated every feeling that she also felt. "And I hate thinking about it like that for so many reasons, but one of them is because I do love you. I don't think I'm ever going to stop loving you. I hate seeing you as a mistake, but you were." Lila turned her head away for a moment and let out a deep breath before looking back at her. "I mean, living in that shitty apartment our whole lives wouldn't have been practical, would it? What agency would let us adopt? When would we get to retire? We'd have just worked minimum wage jobs until we dropped dead. With no family to care when we did. And I hated that for both of us." She tried to gently explain this, something about Bex's look just softened her a little. But she had to look away before saying the next thing. "I'm under no illusion that you wrecked something perfect. But you wrecked me. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust anyone again. And I never hated myself more." She couldn't look Bex in the eye when she said that, it was the most vulnerable thing she had said since she filed for divorce. But she couldn't let it go unsaid. She'd only regret it if she did.

The door shut with a dull thud behind them, and for a second, all she could hear was the sound of her own heartbeat thudding in her ears — heavy, uneven, fucking chaotic. The question came soft but landed hard. Why did you do it? Bex didn’t answer right away. She stared ahead through the windshield, hands clenched in her lap like if she didn’t move, maybe the guilt wouldn’t leak out all over the leather seats. “I think I wanted to feel something that didn’t make me feel like I was the problem,” she said finally, her voice hoarse, quiet. “Not the right thing. Not the smart thing. But it felt like a lifeline at the time.” She turned slightly, looked at Lila, really looked — the mouth she used to memorize, the brow she’d trace with her thumb on Sunday mornings when they still believed forever was a thing people like them could hold. “You’d walk into a room and barely look at me. I’d touch you and feel you flinch. I’d talk and it felt like you were already somewhere else. But you wouldn’t say it, and I—” her breath hitched. “I didn’t know how to ask for you without sounding like I was begging.” She let her head fall back against the seat. “I’m not saying it like that makes it okay. I know I broke it. I broke us.” A pause. “But don’t sit there and act like we weren’t already cracks and splinters before I ever did a goddamn thing.” Her eyes welled, but she didn’t blink it away this time. She wanted her to see. “You resented the life we built. You hated how it looked, but you never said that either. And I think — maybe I was too cowardly to leave, and too selfish to stay without ruining it. I just kept trying to find you in it, and when I couldn’t…I tried to find me.” She shrugged like maybe that’d make it easier to hold. “You asked why. That’s why. Not because you weren’t enough. You were always more than I deserved, Lila. I just didn’t know how to be the version of me that deserved you.” Then, softer — like a whisper made of glass, “I’m sorry.”

There was not a single thing that Bex said in that moment that wasn't true. Lila did resent the life they built. When she realized that making money without a college degree wouldn't be easy. That paying the bills, making financial compromises. It wasn't easy. It also meant that everyone who told them they were being foolish were right - and she hated being the fool.

"you always so big on learnin' new things?" his gaze lingered on the floor beneath before rising to meet hers. he'd appreciated that about her — that no matter the job, learning to understand was the goal. "not everyone sees it like that."

"I spent seven years squandering my chance to learn new things. I'm done doing that." Lila confessed, it was just something she had to accept about herself at this point. She didn't like it, but it was a fact. And it's not like Nic was one of the people she never told about her divorce. It was why she needed the extra cash, after all.

It took her a second — maybe two — to absorb those words. It does hurt less when you’re not around. They were clean. Decisive. Laced with finality, but not cruel. And somehow, that was worse, because bex could survive cruel. She expected cruel. But this? This quiet, honest resignation? It slid in between her ribs like a sigh turned blade. She nodded once, jaw tight, swallowing the sting behind her teeth like it had no right to show. Like she hadn't bled this girl out in ten different ways and still wanted to be near her. “Okay.” The word was small. Obedient. Nothing like her usual, nothing like the bex who used to take up space without asking. She followed Lila toward the doors, the weight of the six pack gone — useless, honestly. Because how the hell were you supposed to drink when the person you wrecked was still willing to sit with the wreckage? Outside, the air hit cold. sharper than she expected. She blinked into it, exhaled, then tossed her voice to lila’s side like a cigarette she couldn’t finish. “You still paint like you’re bleeding through it.” A beat. She couldn’t help herself. “I guess I still look at you like I’m hoping that’ll save me." She could hold herself in if she just clenched hard enough. “I didn’t come here for this,” she admitted, eyes on a flickering streetlamp like it might blink out with her. “Was just getting beer. But you walked in and — fuck, Li, it’s like gravity.” She turned to face her then. The full force of it. “If this is the last time you let me stand this close... just tell me what you want me to remember.” Her voice cracked — just once. Then steadied. “Something I can carry when I finally leave you alone.”

Lila knew that if she was working on the floor of a grocery store, she'd hate it if someone just left a cart full of shopping in the middle of the aisle and left. So she called over one of the workers, explained that something came up and she had to leave immediately, then offered them a tip for their trouble.

"sure it is," he replied, words light, matching the smile he wore, "but it's bigger than the other jobs. so, i'd understand if you wanted to pass." it was an easy task, just far more tedious and attentive than the usual fixes he'd roped her into assisting on.

"Bigger the job, the more I learn." Lila said, shrugging her shoulders. She knew she would probably spend the next few days uttering curse words under her breath, but she figured it would be a worthwhile experience in the long run. She didn't get many of those throughout the course of her marriage.

— lila mendoza ; an unofficial project.

If someone told Lila a year ago that she'd be taking up carpentry, she'd have laughed in her face. Or made some joke about being the next coming of Jesus. But then she had to deal with a cheating wife and a messy divorce to navigate. She also applied for college. On top of that, she took a pay cut by working part time in Java Junction so she could make time for college. With all of that, she found herself developing a new skill.

There it was. That word. Trust. Like it still had teeth. Like it didn’t already hollow her out the first time Lila said I don’t know who you are anymore and meant it. The sting landed — right where Lila aimed it — and Bex flinched, barely, but enough. Her grip on the six-pack loosened like maybe her body remembered how to brace for impact better than her heart did. “Right,” she muttered, letting the word hang between them. A shrug tried to follow, casual, careless — but it buckled halfway through. Like everything else about her. “Yeah. You shouldn’t.” She hadn’t expected forgiveness — didn’t even know if she deserved it. But hearing it out loud, the you don’t, in Lila’s voice, felt like a verdict. Felt like the last nail in something she hadn’t stopped mourning. “Gabe’s a good guy,” Bex said, softer. No edge. No bite. She meant it. “Always has been.” She dropped her gaze to the floor for a beat, blinking hard at a scuff mark near the freezer aisle like it might keep her from unraveling. A long breath. A beat too long. And then— “You look happy,” she said, lifting her eyes back to Lila’s face. Honest this time. No games. Just the raw, aching truth of it. “Or at least... like you’re trying. Like you’re doing something with the pieces. That’s more than I can say.” Her laugh cracked again. It wasn’t bitter this time — it was just tired. “You still painting?” she asked before she could stop herself. Her voice dipped just a little, like it was something tender, something she shouldn’t be touching. “I saw that piece you posted a while back. The one with the ocean. Couldn’t stop staring at it. Felt like drowning, but in a good way.” She shifted again, blinking like she could keep herself from cracking open right here in the middle of Windsor Bay Grocers, where they sold heartbreak by aisle five. “Look, I know I wrecked it. I know I don’t get a clean slate. But I saw you, and it hit me like it always does — loud and sharp and all at once. So if you need me to walk away, Li... say the word.” She looked down at the beer. Then back at her wife. Her almost ex. Her forever ache. “I’ll go. I swear. Just—please. Tell me if it hurts less when I’m not around.”

"Yeah, he is." Lila said, when Bex said that Gabe was a good guy. After everything that has happened, Gabe was now Lila's favorite person. By a long shot.