Wandering.

So I post it on here.

1) I’m not stable. I’m far from fucking stable. I’m the definiton of unstable. You’re not stable when you’re 21 years and you’ve been depressed for as long as you can remember. You’re not stable when you’re 21 years old and are not capable to work because of how you feel; how unstable you feel. You’re not stable if you hate - despise even - the moments that you feel stable, because you know it’s a form of hope that will only hurt the second you go back to your unstable self. You’re not stable if you’ve lost hope and are longing for the day life will be over. I’m not stable and I hate that I told you otherwise. 

2) I’m in love with you. I have been in love with you since the day I met you and I’ve been in denial ever since. But I can’t ignore the fact that my heart’s been racing and my chest’s been hurting since we started talking again. I can’t ignore that my stomach hurts and I can’t deny anymore that it is because of you. I’m in love with you and I hate that I am. 

3) But most importantly, I want you as a friend. I want to open up to you and I want to be able to tell you that I’m not stable and that you won’t walk away. I want to tell you all the things that make me feel like I’m a fucking lunatic. And I want to know you in return. I want to have those 4 am conversations with you. I want wine drunk conversations with you. I want to open up to you and I hate that I can’t.