Lilac and Lime

I wish I had discovered IF sooner but eh what can you do. I was worried about IF with VSG but it seems to really be helping all around.

Up about 20lbs since the summer and I feel EVERY LAST POUND. My clothes are choking me, I'm always tired and achy, and I'm not sleeping well. I can't believe how shitty I feel from just a few months of not being on plan. This year I'm not letting anything stop me from reaching my goals - not a lazy ass dude who hates working out, not my own lame ass excuses, nothing. I don't want to be right back where I was with no energy and living off of "I wish" instead of "I will."

Lesson learned: don't stop tracking, weighing, and measuring. There's a reason it works.

Sometimes I forget about my surgery and sometimes it feels like yesterday. I hit my 2 year mark this month and, besides a little blip where I bounced up into the high 190s, I've been holding steady between 185-190. I'm struggling with body image issues more now than I ever did 100lbs ago and I'm still getting used to being treated like an actual person by society at large but I'm working on it. My capacity is almost "normal" now and I can eat about a cup/cup and a half of food at a time, depending on what kind of food. I'm still avoiding refined sugars and simple carbs but I'm able to have a tiny bit without triggering a binge or feeling like a failure. The biggest adjustment is feeling like I can eat way more than I actually can. I feel almost normal so I have accidentally tested the limits of my stomach a few times, either ending up puking or feeling absolutely awful for ages and having to sip water just to digest. I'm learning about mindfulness for my anxiety and I'm also applying that to my eating. It's been helping as far as paying attention to portion sizes vs what I know I can actually eat as well as paying attention to the difference between being satiated, being full, and being overstuffed.

Dating after wls is weird. I'm so much more worried about the way my body looks but I'm also just as terrified when a guy says "let me give you a piggy back ride" as I was before. I had joined a dating app a few years ago and got maybe 1 message a month (usually a creepy sexual one liner) while sending out a ton that never got replies. I just joined one a couple weeks ago and I was totally bombarded by messages and matches. A part of me is so angry that I am the exact same person but somehow now worthy of attention. Another part of me is honestly so relieved and I'm ashamed that I feel that way. I've gone on a few dates since I signed up and it's so different than it was before. I remember going on dates a couple years ago and watching people's faces fall when they saw me. Despite having plenty of pics on my profile, it happened a lot. I know that no matter what you look like, there are going to be people who think you're hideous. There are people who think Angelina Jolie is hideous. It doesn't mean it's true. I was never ugly, just fat. I thought I was maybe not every person's cup of tea but still pretty. Every date I went on made me pause and think "am I deluded? Am I actually hideous and just can't see it?" But the only thing that's different is my weight. Now I show up for a date and I see the persons face light up. I'm told I'm beautiful and my smile is dazzling and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I was beautiful before and my smile was just as dazzling and literally the only thing that has changed is the volume of my body. I'm also relieved that I'm not actually hideous. That I wasn't deluding myself for years. But now I know that it was just my fat that was the issue. I was everything that I am now but that one thing was so powerful that it automatically disqualified me as a potential mate. That honestly hurts more than angers me. No amount of funny, pretty, smart, capable, kind, or brave was apparently enough to outweigh how those people felt about that fat. Last night a guy I was with looked at me and then kissed me the way I've always wanted someone to look at me and then kiss me and all I could think is: is this totally dependent on how much fat I have on my body? Is it even real? It drove me crazy because I'll literally never know if he would have even talked to me when I was 300lbs and I feel like I can't trust anyone I meet now. I can't trust that they believe someone can be 300lbs and funny, pretty, smart, capable, kind, and brave. I believe it because I was and nobody ever saw it.