water-blasted the back of my throat . tumblr . com

project hail mary (movie, book, & actors)

dbda (dead boy detectives & actors)

marvel (mcu & actors)

sandman (show & actors)

dnp (dan & phil)

the old guard (movies & actors)

heated rivalry (show & actors)

six of crows (show & actors)

witcher (show & actors)

young royals (show & actors)

tw mental health

tw body stuff

tw food

on a new lower dose of my anxiety meds

still off my adhd meds

experiencing occasional sharp shooting pain in my chest, bc of surgery recovery

experiencing constant tight, tense, aching pain in my shoulder/back, bc of surgery recovery

and im thinking thoughts like. maybe i’ve never slept before. maybe i’ve never crawled into bed and settled into some sprawl and fallen asleep for 9 hours. i certainly dont remember it. all i can remember is the last week of my life where there is no position at all, sitting, laying, standing, no position at all, where my back doesnt hurt so fucking badly.

i have my surgery follow up on tuesday. and im going to bring this up because if i wasnt already unemployed i fucking would be because if i were still getting up at 6:30am everyday i would be running on literally like 2 hours a night ever since surgery. this is not sustainable. and so far it’s not fucking getting better.

for some reason my pain recovering from this surgery is some of the worst, most bothersome pain ive ever had. the last few nights i can NOT find a comfortable way to lay down that doesnt either pull on my healing incisions or bother my referred pain in my back. apparently the back pain is from nerve irritation, which might be temporary but might fucking not be. and if i have this fucking back and shoulder pain for the rest of my life it’s genuinely going to become my villain origin story.

it’s turned out to be a complete blessing that im out of work right now, because when im up until 3am trying to find a good enough position to fall asleep in, at least i can sleep in until 9-10am.