I've got a golden ticket!

WILLY WONKA GETS DIABETES

*ear piercingly whistles the oompa-loompa summoning tune from gene wilder’s willy wonka movie* “ __! How was the doctor? ” “ Oh! Nothing too serious - where’s the candy? ” “ Can I see that?” “ It says right here that you have diabeetus! ” “ That’s confidential information so now I have to kill you! ” “ Hey guys, Willy Wonka here, got some pretty bad news that might affect my ability to run a but– oh well! ” “ A Twizzler a day keeps the doctor away! ” “ There’s only three things I love in this world: chocolate, chocolate, and abusing my help. ” “ How do you like that? ” “ First of all: it’s an it! ” “ There is no second of all. ” “ Shut up and film. ” “ Hahaha that’s right you son of a bitch! ” “ How are you gonna be a chocolatier if you can’t taste test your own concoctions? ” “ Don’t you ever tell me how to live my life again, __. That’s why I have slaves! ” “ Now eat. ” “ I think it likes it. ” “ What flavor did you give it? ” “ I’m experimenting with dog semen right now. ” *barks* “ This is the REAL chocolate factory! ” “ Where do you think the chocolate river gets its flow? ” “ How come you don’t just try running away? ” “ Oh, you’re handcuffed, that sucks. ” *spits on* “ You’re always spitting on me! ” “ Who are you peeping on? ” “ You’re peeping on Tom? ” “ Yeah, he’s the owner of the Hershey factory he keeps sending his employees to light turds on my front doorstep. ” “ Mmm I’m tasting the rainbow over here. ” “ You know I can’t have that in my current condition. ” “ What if I slip you a couple? ” “ I would do unimaginable things to you. ” “ I’m imagining your lips pressed against mine. ” “ That can be arranged, just hand over the skittles. ” “ Well, it’s 4:45. ” “ Well, I usually let my Oompa Loompas take some rage out on me. It’s the worst part of my day. ” “ Oh gummy sharks! ” “ Are your ideas flowing? ” “ No and neither is my urine! ” “ Where are we now? ” “ This it the bedroom, where all of the magic happens! Or so I’m told. ” “ Have you ever been on the internet? ” “ Internet… Yeah! My dad always uploads our home movies there! ” “ What new methods have you been doing in the chocolate factory? ” “ We just introduced electroshock therapy mitts, yielding positive results. ” “ No, it’s only fun to do it to the mindless. ” “ Music to my ears. ” “ The dye from licorice is actually puppy blood. ” “ Mr. Goodbar’s a cunt! ” “ You know Mr. Goodbar? ” “ Yeah, we were in woodshop together. ” “ Why don’t you like him? ” “ Well I–… … I dunno. ” “ I’m 45 and I still play with Pokemon! ” “ Yep, they’re all Pikachus! ” *demonically screeching* “ PiKAAAAAAAAA ” “ That’s it dad, I’m leaving to start my own chocolate factory! ” “ Hey, is there something you wanna talk about? ” “ … No? ” “ Just like cows I have six nipples. ” “ Are you happy here? Do you miss your family? ” “ I feel like someone’s forcing you to make these answers. ” “ I guess sugar’s now the enemy. ” “ No, silly boy, Sugar’s the stripper that works at Hot Lips. ” “ No, sugar is in candy. ” “ *GASP*… Sugar and candy are together again? I never thought I’d see the day! ” “ KitKat? More like– SCREW that! ” “ I’m sorry, that wasn’t my best. I’m trying. ” “ I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I need one more fix. Just one more. ” “ Oh my gosh, come to papa… ” “ __, it’s not too late to stop. ” “ Oh no; we’re going. ” “ This is a rainbow of sin. ” “ Down the rabbit hole I go! ” “ Do you regret that? ” “ Nope! ” “ I remember when I first had candy! ” “ The taste of the sugar hitting my mouth was so sweet like a thousand naked ladies dancing – or men. ” “ I’m still not sure where I’m supposed to put this thing. ” “ I’m freaking out, __! I need sugar. ” “ That’s the one thing you can’t have! ” “ I don’t care! I need it. ” “ There’s one person around here who always has sugar on them. ” “ I’m gonna punch that Loompa in the face and steal its candy. ” “ __! You’re handcuffed to the stairs! ” “ Are we still rolling? ”

Willy Wonka Discovered A New Flavor

“ I’m experimenting with new flavors! ” “ And you’re looking in the dumpster? ” “ One man’s trash is another man’s Gobstopper. ” “ It’s got to smell terrible in there. ” “ I’m fine! ” “ My name is Willard J Wonka also known as Willy Wonka from the chocolate factory. ” “ What happened after you gave away your factory? ” “ Bankruptcy! Who’da thought? ” “ I used to do coke all the time! ” “ I skinny dip in the chocolate river! ” “ Well, most of them were sold into slavery. ” “ Holy molasses, I think I found a new flavor! ” “ Even better, but we won’t know until my personal taste tester tries it out. ” “ So you find chocolate in dumpsters and you just give it to kids? ” “ We used to do drugs together back in the 80s. ” “ Oh, my dear boy, they don’t speak! ” “ What’d you just whisper to ‘em? ” “ I called you an asshole! ” “ Do you treat your workers with respect? ” “ What did I tell you about interrupting? ” “ You’re very childlike. ” “ A childlike sense of wonder does wonders for the mind! ” “ Maybe I’ll try that sometime! ” “ I don’t think you can, you don’t look very educated. You look stupid. ” “ Well that was rude. ” “ What are you gonna do with this dumpster chocolate? ” “ I’m working on a brand new concoction! The recipe is– DID SLUGWORTH PUT YOU UP TO THIS? ” “ We’re done– we’re DONE - we’re done we’re done we’re done! ” “ My father never loved me, but I turned out just fine. ” “ Get back here you son of a bitch! ” “ Well, my employees are on strike, they want higher pay. ” “ Well, my dear friend– well, I wouldn’t call you a friend, I don’t really like you that much. ” “ Wow… I can’t believe I created that. I’m a genius. ” “ You’re incredibly arrogant. ” “ So you’re gonna make __ eat that dirty disgusting dumpster chocolate? ” “ Does my __ want to eat today? That’s what I thought. ” “ What happened to the kids in the movie? ” “ How does it taste? ” “ Aaaahh, that’s disgusting! ” “ Eureka! This has to go into mass production right away! ”

WILLY WONKA DISCOVERS CHOCOLATE!

For all ya’ll kid muses, and muses with an inner child!

“Let’s play hide-and-seek!”

“One… two… three…”

“Found you!”

“No fair, you peeked!”

“I’ll try harder next time!”

“Tag, you’re it!”

“You can’t catch me!!”

“Gotcha!”

“Let’s play house.”

“Let’s play make believe.”

“Argh, I’m a pirate!”

“Look I can fly like a superhero!”

“Let’s make a fort!”

“My favorite animal is a _____”

“So many pillows…”

“I want some candy.”

“Let’s share!”

“Your ice cream is dripping…”

“It tastes like strawberries!”

“I have candy!”

“Ew… butterscotch.”

“Bang bang, I’m a cowboy/girl.”

“We can dance?”

“Spinning contest go!”

“I triple dog dare ya!!”

“My favorite color is _____”

“ n– no… it’s not a joke… ”  charlie shrugs a little, his hands sliding into his pockets as he rocks on his heels, head tilted.  “ my house has never had electricity! we can’t afford phones and stuff; we don’t have a tv, either. ”

to charlie this wasn’t surprising at all. he was used to it and hadn’t really been… expecting people to make a big thing out of it. the loud ‘ WHAT? ’ that had chimed through the mixing room was just as unexpected when he had mentioned the lack of electricity.

Mike tilts his head to the side, utterly confused  “ how did you… do anything? ” 

Mike couldn’t rap his head around what Charlie was saying, he had grown up with screens all around him (and technically shrunk down with the same circumstances) and couldn’t imagine living without one! he just stared at Charlie in utter shock.

“ for people who can’t afford television. ”  he replies casually, thin shoulders giving yet another shrug with the small uplifting of his arms.  “ plus we use the paper as fuel for fire for the heater, since we can’t afford actual heating. ”

head tilts at the question of how things were done, looking down as he scuffs his shoe with a little smile. kind of ironic...  “ i used my imagination, ”  he states rather matter-of-factly,  “  plus i spent a lot of time writing down candy ideas! it’s really fun, that’s why i do it, and i’m happy with that. ”  Charlie slides his hands into his pockets, rocking on his heels.

“Here, take this”

“Spare change?”

“Are you homeless?”

“Have you eaten today?” 

“I need somewhere to stay”

“Can I stay at yours tonight?”

“I don’t have money, is that okay?” 

“It’s getting cold, you need shelter”

“I haven’t been in a house for so long”   

“I understand, I was in your place once”

“Do you need anything? Food? Drink? A room?”

“I’ll pay you back in rent when I get a job. Please”

“ n-- no... it’s not a joke... ”  charlie shrugs a little, his hands sliding into his pockets as he rocks on his heels, head tilted.  “ my house has never had electricity! we can’t afford phones and stuff; we don’t have a tv, either. ”

to charlie this wasn’t surprising at all. he was used to it and hadn’t really been... expecting people to make a big thing out of it. the loud ‘ WHAT? ’ that had chimed through the mixing room was just as unexpected when he had mentioned the lack of electricity.

“ mr. Wonka!  mr. Wonka–! ”  charlie rushes up to the man, still in pajamas and quite shaken, in all honesty.

“ i.. i-i don’t know-- but... golly mr. Wonka, i’m glad it wasn’t real... ”  the boy shakes his head, wrapping his arms around himself, though his brow remains furrowed. he had always been concerned in the back of his mind since mr. Wonka had said he was far older than charlie thought... maybe the disappearance of Wonka meant the disappearance of his candy all over again to him, he wasn’t sure... but mr. Wonka was still here and so was the candy- so everything was okay.