ligaya

some days I wish to have a delete button for all my commitments some days I feel guilty for even thinking about it

if my life were a color it would be orange the color that i hate looking at the color that would best describe my life

no one ever told me it was unusual to not feel for a whole year

i’m back more lifeless than before craving a home for my havocking thoughts

Letting the words I've been aching  to tell you flow out of my hands I can't help but wonder if you would ever  write about me, too. Like how you'd kiss me back every time I tried to own you or how you would return my hugs whenever I crushed you. But it's no use I know You would not even dare to try and reminisce the memories we shared cause for you, I am not the girl you once loved and what we had is not something you'd miss. For you, everything we ever shared was just a ludicrous mistake.

make me forget of all the things that knock me down to the  bottom of this goddamn hole; …kiss me if you  don’t understand my words for they are thoughts buried for good

Last night I dreamt of a life I know I will never have I didn’t want to wake up so I kept my eyes shut Those disturbances I tried hard to ignore just for the dream to keep rolling even just for  one whole night Cause I know when I wake up, everything would be so different, that it  would slap me on both sides of my face, hard.

I have trust issues. I have trust issues not because it is a trend to have one, but because I have experienced the cruelty that produces one.

I am normal. I might have gone through a lot, but I swear, I am normal. Or maybe I am not. Maybe I am just doing normal things, but I am not a normal person. Maybe I am an elephant stuck in a human body doing things that only human do? Well, that would be perfectly fine. Elephants are better than people anyway.   But how long will I stay this way? How much longer do I have to pretend I am a human who wants to live like a normal human being? How will I stay stronger when every day I think that things get better, they do not? How much longer do I have to live inside this prison? How much longer do I have to stare at the skies just to make myself feel better? How much longer do I have to write what I feel, just to lessen the pain? How much longer do I have to stare and talk to myself in the mirror just to convince my demons that I should get on my way?  How much longer do I have to say I am not okay? When will I stop dreaming that I am an elephant? When will I stop thinking that elephants are better that human? I know the answer to that; I will not. But when will I stop being afraid of trusting people again? When will I stop pushing away people who just wants to make my life easier? When will I stop overthinking things that does not even affect me in the simplest way? When will I get better? When will stop feeling pain? Why do I have to be this way? So many questions running on my mind. So many thoughts that I try to drop. So many things I want to say, but I can’t find the best words to blurt it out. And now I’m wondering why I am punishing myself. Why am I torturing myself again? I thought I’m perfectly fine, that I have moved out of the suffering box. But I guess I am not, I guess I have not. Gay, there’s so much more you have to feel other than sadness and pain. You have to stop living with them. You can’t just be there stuck in the middle of loneliness and emptiness. You have to find your way out. You have to feel your name. You have to be your name. You need to be your name. You have to make sure that you are living with joy and away from things that make you incapable of doing things that makes you happy. Others might have a perfect life by now. They might be doing their bucket lists for they have nothing more to do. They might not be feeling pain and loneliness anymore. They might be doing their best to make memories that will last them a lifetime. Always remember that you will too. Maybe not today, but someday.

break me, if that would make you happy, go ahead and wreck me

well maybe we were flowers growing in the same field in the same meadows but you left not because you chose to but because they chose you