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@lifelover4life
I can't wait to get out of here. I wish I could punch people in the face every time they imply their parents love each other. Oh, your mom says she was married to your dad in every previous life? And you thought telling me that right now was a good idea? I am going to kill you.
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How much do you have to drink for the only difference noticable to other people is that you speak at half the speed? Does that come with drinking every evening? Does that come with a higher tolerance? Is that just how you two react to it? Can you conceptualise what I'm saying? Are you dumber and less capable than me, right now? Do you understand what I'm asking you, mom? Why do I have to explain this to you like you're five, you're thirty years my senior? Why did you marry dad if you didn't love him? Why did you stay together, loveless, for so long? Why couldn't you have waited a bit longer? What's two more on top of twenty? Do other people's parents love each other? Are other people's parents in love? Are they excited for every day, together? Do they bicker, then make up? Do they get each other gifts? Do they have meaningful conversations? Do they talk about anything, at all? Did you feel like this with your drunk dad, mom? Do you think you're doing better than him? Do you realise it's not good enough? Do you like me? Dad, have you ever liked me? Or, was that just for when I was young enough so that you could ignore my humanity, my personhood? Do you care about my likes and dislikes? Do you want me to be happy? Do you want me to stay? Is me leaving going to hurt you? Will you be glad to be alone? I think you will. When did you stop being my parents? Was it when you fell out of love? Was it before, sometime when I started to stand on my own? Was it after, sometime when I started keeping things from you? Do you realise how much you don't know? Is that too big of a thought for your tipsy, foggy, floaty, drowsy, stupid mind? Will it make sense tomorrow? Will you forgive me? What if I'm not sorry? What if I'm furious? What if I'm so so so so angry at you? At both of you? What If I want to scream and yell and punch and throw things and hit myself and hit you and slam my door and tell you to fuck off, tell you I'd be better off without you? What if I want to write you a letter, scrawl out 'I hate you, you made me sad' and slide it under your door? What if I want to go out and get drunk and come home and act sober? What if I want to spend the night with a girl and tell you I just came home after you fell asleep? What if I want to think for myself and live a life without you? What if I've been doing that forever? When will I realise that talking to you, Dad, isn't worth it? Why do I keep trying if I always end up dissapointed? Why do people keep dissapointing me? Can they fucking stop? Can you all fucking stop? Shut the fuck up? Leave me alone.
sometimes I really worry that I'm changing for the worse. Not even 7 months ago I had never had more than a sip of alcohol, I'd never smoked and although I found it cool I never thought I'd do it.
It's not like I've become a smoker. I just love me a drunk cig. It's among the best things I've ever felt. I have a vivid memory of my first drunk cig, I was leaving another school's party I'd snuck into (I know people in that school, I followed a friend in) and outside all these people were smoking and I just walked up to them, fucking WASTED, and bummed a smoke and it's like my whole body ascended. I got all tingly and the drunkness just multiplied. I'm still thinking about that cig. I'm going to a party this saturday and I'm going to buy a pack of marlboros and I'm going to smoke at the party. It'll be my first pack bought. I'm so excited.
But I also feel terrible about it. I know smoking kills. But like. Lots of people around me smoke. Most of my friends who drink, smoke. At least they vape, if not both. We're all hooked on nicotine. Not me though, I'm not addicted to nicotine. I'm not addicted to anything other than my phone and like refined sugar, no drugs. When I told my best friend I'd tried smoking she said she was disappointed. I told her I hadn't liked it (the truth, my first cig was sober and boring) and that I'd never do it again. I've done it a few times since and I want to tell her but also I know she won't like it.
I don't know how she'll react. If she'll be mad at me, or if she'll be dissapointed. Or if she'll be like "I mean, I don't like it, but I'm not going to police you. You can do what you want. I'm not mad. I just don't want you to do things that are damaging to yourself" and I'll be all "Yeah I get that. And I don't smoke often, just like one cigarette if I'm drunk"
I also feel like a teenager experimenting and that what now feels so rebellious and dangerous and wrong will feel mundane in a year, two, ten.
actually life is so beautiful and worth living because I have plans on saturday that involve sneaking alcohol (legally can't drink fml) to a theatre show and going to a party straight after and I plan to get so fucking blackout drunk I cannot wait
This is hopecore
i wish my parents could just thug it out. It's like a wrong thing to want but I want it so badly. And I feel so fucking lame being sad about my parents' divorce because everyone's got fucking divorced parents and everyone's fine about it but I'm not!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't feel okay. I don't feel fine about it at all. and like my friends think i don't fucking hate this so much but I do! Oh my god this sucks so fucking much and I feel awful. But my friends with divorced parents think they know how I feel and they think that because their parents divorced 4 years ago and they're fine I must be. it feels like my whole life is falling apart.
And i'm celebrating my birthday soon. My closest friends can't really make it or something. I don't know. My best friend will be there so it's okay I think. I just feel so awful and overwhelmed by everything that's happened recently.
huge tw in this paragraph. eating disorders.
I feel a way i've never felt before which is like, there's so little I control in my life so why not start controling my intake. Why not skip breakfast before going to my summer job, why not skip lunch there, why not eat one egg for dinner, why not weigh myself again? I have no idea how much I weigh. I've been aware of my weight since I could read a scale. I know the number is bigger than I want it to be and I also know I know how to fix that and it would be so rewarding and I would actually feel so good. What if this time's the time it works? Maybe I can get to the point where I'm sick enough to get help. Maybe she'll notice and she'll worry. And she'll think that I AM the stereotypical anorexic girl. not the common type. I'll be like her and you'll actually be able to tell I'm sick. And how bad I feel will show on the outside. I feel so bad. i think it's going to continue feeling worse and worse and worse until I cave and 'relapse'. I hope it does because I've never felt as much like myself as when I was restricting. I was so dedicated. I can be her again.
tw over
I'm not actually going to do that though. I'm gonna have a piece of toast with pesto.
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does it get easier? do I eventually reach a point in my life where it's consistently good? Am I going to feel like this forever?
Sometimes I fear that I'll never find love because there is nobody out there who will appreciate the all parts of me, or, if there is, I'll just never find them
read this if you want to read my 1am thougts about a straight girl I'm in love with I have a crush on and how it's ruining my life.
Having a crush on a straight girl that clearly likes you a lot, just platonically, is actual torture. She's choosing to sit next to me in our group of people, always, and she'll tap my shoulder and gesture with her head like 'follow me' so we can be alone and she can tell me all about the guy she's seeing, or complain about this idiot twat in our group, or just chat. She wants to do things&work with me, rather than anyone else she can do these things with. And I'm looking at her like she hung the moon, the sun, the clouds, and all the stars. I'd rather watch her put her hair up or put her head on her chin with that little frown when she's thinking real hard or sit in silence in my car because she's sick and can't be wasting her voice and I'm driving her home so she won't have to take the bus, I'd rather do that than do anything else. I could die tonight and my life would be worth it if she'd smile at me one more time and maybe call me the nickname she gave me.
(Nobody else gets a nickname. The name I go by is already a nickname, very easy to say, and the girl in our group with the long, old, rarely used name gets her full name every time... but me? Little ol' me? Not my name. Never my name, never my nickname. Always her nickname of my nickname of my name.)
And every time I look at her I get this deep urge to kiss her. I don't do it, I don't say it, I barely even think it (she's always got something interesting to say, and I pay attention) but I feel it. So deeply. This urge to reach out and put my hands in her curls, make her look at me. Really look at me, the way I look at her. Brush a strand of hair out of her eyes, put my hands on the sides of her face, or her neck, or around her waist. She's taller than me so I'd probably wrap my arms around her neck, actually, and bring her in really close, and touch our noses together. She'd be smiling, probably making a joke. Or maybe not. Maybe she'd be serious, just for this. I'd ask her if I could kiss her, like, am I allowed? and she'd nod her head yes and I'd kiss her so carefully. I wouldn't rush her, she's like a fawn, I don't want to scare her away by coming on too strong.
But I'd never do any of that because she wouldn't want me to. I'll see her again in early January and I don't doubt that her and the situationship have gotten together. She'll be dating a guy. She probably is dating a guy. He's a year older than her, so two years older than me. He's funny and smart, I even had a little baby crush on him for a second there. But he's nothing compared to her. I'm biased, I know, but he's... he's not gravity-defying or world-altering, I'll bet you he didn't tilt her world on it's axis or make her see some fundamental truth of the universe. But that's the kind of person she deserves. That's not what I am, not at all. But it's what she deserves.
It's a little perverse, she just wants to befriend me and I can't get her out of my head, out of my dreams. She's thinking, 'here's this great girl, she's funny, she's smart, she's kind, she's good at our one shared interest, what a great friend to make' and I'm trying to get the visual of her nervously running her hand through her hair out of my mind because it's making my heart swell up. I'm trying not to think about her at night because, god, I don't want to be that perverted.
Idk gng am i cooked or nah
one of the most intimate things i can think of is knowing shit about your partner's interests. Like not having played a single game of chess but knowing the name of every strategy because your partner's talked about it, or being like decent at tossing and catching a ball because your partner is a handball player and so you help them on occasion. Having an uncanny amount of knowledge in archeology for someone who's never studied it. Like, you not only let your lover have their thing, you interact with it, you engage with it. You love every part of them, including what they like and do and it shows.
obligatory cleradin
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cleradin 🕯️🔮⚔️
“It’s been said that love finds you when you’re ready.”
— James Patterson
cleradin 🕯️🔮⚔️
girls will see this and yearn the way house wives yearned for their husbands in the war
Landslide by fleetwood mac is the most beautiful song in the entire world and it's written about my best friend. You might be thinking to yourself, "But the song was written over 30 years before either of you were born" and to that I say fuck you.
I took my love, I took it down Climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 'Til the landslide brought me down
This is me realising there's no one like her. That she really is special and that if I ever lose her for any reason I'll fucking kill myself
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? Mmm Well, I've been 'fraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older And I'm gettin' older, too
Like if this isn't about realising the only love you need is the love from your best friend, unrelenting, even as you grow up and change and your life changes and other people come and go. Even when you're struggling, even when you're heartbroken. She'll always be there. She'll always be there, I'll make sure of it. She's all I need. And the line about children getting older, jesus, that's me when she talks about driving her car. Like, no, we were twelve and thirteen yesterday, what do you mean you can drive a car? I'm supposed to be the driver! You're my passenger princess!
Ah, take my love, take it down Oh, climb a mountain and turn around And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well, the landslide will bring it down And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well, the landslide will bring it down Oh, the landslide will bring it down
(insert a picture I took of her in the one and only hike we ever went one, where she's taking a picture of the view and I'm taking a picture of her)
I love you so much.
(She doesn't know of my tumblr and a love letter like this would scare her because she's an avoidant attachment gal. I don't mind.)
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why am I physically unable to write straight up smut??? it always starts that way, and then it feels too out of context so I add 3k words of preamble, and then the kink I was originally invested in because it was hot turns into a metaphor for love and now they're saying stuff like "I can't believe I get to have you," "You have me, you have me," "I never thought I would," "You've always had me," with tears in their eyes and taking pauses to reassure each other of their undying love and commitment and like????????? am I just insufferable and alone.
"and then make gaten say, 'with who?'"
the lion does not concern himself with byler doubt
