Life Through A Straw

SO, it's been about 3.5 months since the surgery.  Can't believe how time flies!  I’ve been at school for a little over a month now and life is as cray cray as ever.  I’m back to the grind of schoolwork and extracurricular activities and sleep never being a thing.  But besides that, I’m having fun and making the most of the opportunities that constantly surround me.  Update on the mouth: I still have braces, but hopefully not for much longer.  I have a small gap in between my upper and lower teeth on the right side of my mouth, so I’m wearing rubber bands to bring the teeth together and close the gap.  Other than that, my bite is looking good and I feel great!

I must say, after enduring surgery and recovery this summer, it’s been pretty nice to really live again.  I mean, it’s not like I died or something…let’s not get crazy.  But, I’m experiencing life in a whole new way.  I’ve grown to appreciate things that I haven’t taken the time to think about in the past.  Even the fundamental task of eating is a gift and not something that everyone in this world can enjoy.  Sometimes when I’m eating, I think to myself, “Wow!  I can chew!  My jaw is going up and down and I’m eating solid food and it’s getting smaller and smaller and WHY ISN’T EVERYONE THINKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THIS IS.”  Now, it’s not like I think about my jaw surgery every time I consume a meal…but it crosses my mind occasionally and I’m reminded of how cool it is.  And it’s not just eating.  I’ve been enjoying going to the gym and going to class (well, not always…lol) and taking part in what this place has to offer.  Having had limitations this summer, it’s wonderful to feel so free and able to do things.

This ability to take full advantage of life has helped me to realize how much of a blessing it is.  I find the hashtag, #blessed, to be super funny because it is usually used inappropriately or to make someone sound more humble.  Like those people who post selfies on Instagram with the caption, #blessed (or even better, when they add #nofilter).  Or, that tweet saying how wonderful that girl’s boyfriend is for buying her diamond earrings, and wait for it… #blessed.

As hilarious as they are, those are not the kind of “blessings” I want to talk about.  Although the summer was filled with challenges, I am blessed to have been born at a time when this sort of surgery was even possible.  We live in an era of ever-advancing technology and impressive developments in the medical fields, which has allowed for procedures to be done that were unimaginable 50 years ago.  I am blessed to have had such an amazing surgeon.  I am blessed to have supportive family and friends.  I am blessed to have a normal, functioning jaw.  And the list goes on and on because there are countless things to be thankful for.

I know that I can’t undermine the effect that this experience has had on my life because it totally changed me.  Now, when I face a trial and become anxious about it, I can remind myself of what I handled this summer.  For example, if I’m studying for an exam and losing the motivation to continue, I just tell myself, “Dude, you had jaw surgery.  You can do this.”  And suddenly, I feel a lot better.

Don’t let hardships get you down.  As tough as they can be, they’re there for a reason and they will pass.  To quote a song from one of my favorite movies, White Christmas…

“If you’re worried and you can’t sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep. And you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings.”         

So dudes, my jaw is free!!!  Yes, I know that it’s kind of old news at this point, but I’m still excited about it and wanted share some reflections.  What a crazy ordeal this has been.  People keep saying, “Wow!  Those six weeks just flew by!”  And my response is usually something like, “Maybe for you…” haha.  In certain ways, it did go by kind of fast.  I can’t believe that I’m eating solid food again.  It’s so strange to think that it’s August and that I will be heading back to school soon.  Where did the summer go?!

As I sit here and reflect on this summer and these past nineteen years, I see my life being flipped upside down.  While I am incredibly happy that what I was anticipating for such a long time is finally behind me, a part of me feels somewhat surprisingly sad.  These last few weeks, I’ve had moments where I’ve just randomly started crying for seemingly no reason, but I think more for reasons that are difficult to fathom.  Being in recovery mode and on a liquid diet became my lifestyle for so long that transitioning back to my normal life has left me feeling almost out of place at times.  And even though the surgical aspect of this whole thing is over, my journey hasn’t quite ended.  I still have lots more appointments to look forward to and I’m wearing some bands at night (there is still a small gap between my upper and lower teeth on the right side).  But, I know that it’s all downhill from here.  I get to be a metal mouth for another few months and then hopefully I should be all done! 

When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a new person.  Is this really me?  I guess I was just so accustomed to my underbite that seeing what is normal to most people is completely abnormal to me.  Of course, I’m ecstatic to have good results from the surgery, but it’s just so weeeiiiirrrrd.  I’ve been getting compliments on how everything turned out, which is very nice of course.  But then I start to think…what did I look like beforehand? And now, looking at pictures of myself before the surgery, I feel even more self-conscious about my appearance.  Not only does my bite look different, but my entire facial structure has changed.  Most people probably wouldn’t notice too much of a difference, but it’s a big thing for me.  Plus, I still have some swelling, which I’ve heard can last for many months after the surgery (yayyy).  

Along with this physical change, I feel like I’ve had somewhat of a transformation of the mind.  I’ve risen above lots of obstacles in my life, but nothing quite to this realm.  Before the surgery and throughout the recovery, several people made comments about how tough I was to endure this sort of thing and that they never could handle something like this.  I mean, it’s not like I had much of a choice in the matter.  But even so, I’ve never really thought of myself as a strong person.  Actually, quite the opposite, which is why it’s strange to me to see anyone inspired by the way I handled the recovery.  The last 2-3 years or so, my outlook on life and on myself has kind of sucked.  Why can’t I do MORE?  Why can’t I handle MORE?  Why can’t I be MORE?  Questions like these popped up daily.  And I know that I’m not alone in this.  An insatiable desire to grow yet not acting upon it.  Stuck in a standstill.  Self-improvement is usually a good thing, but not when it becomes beating yourself up all the time or filling yourself with regret constantly.  Recognizing the inner strength that it took to actually go through with the surgery and recovery leaves me with a much better mindset.  I can pursue my goals.  I can be anything I want to be.  We are all capable of so much, yet sometimes it takes time to actually believe it.    

So, as my last post of this ten-day countdown (don’t worry, there will be more posts afterwards) and in celebration of there being only ONE DAY LEFT (well actually it’s more like two hours left…but whatever), let’s talk about the one word that’s continued to stick in my mind throughout this recovery and life in general: love.  Sorry to be cheesy, but I like cheese so here we go.  A couple of weeks ago, I watched the movie Moulin Rouge.  The theme of the movie is the following line: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”.  Who doesn’t love to love and be loved?  I know I do.  I’ve always been a big fan of love, but it’s become increasingly important during the recovery.  Friends and family have helped me feel loved, which has been very comforting.  It just makes me want to go out into the world and spread the love I’ve been shown.

If you can’t hold onto anything else, hold onto love.  If you can’t give anything else, give love.  Never stop loving, especially if you or someone close to you is going through a tough time.  And don’t be afraid to express it either.  The words, “I love you”, may go further than you think.

Thanks to everyone who has loved me throughout this whole process and who will continue to love me as I transition back to solid food (#fat).  Love y’all!

Memorable moment:

The first weekend after I came home from the hospital, a few close friends came over to visit.  And my sister was home that weekend, too.  I was still drugged up on pain killers, quite swollen, not feeling well, drankin’ out of syringes, with ice bags around my face.  But, that night was the funniest out of the entire recovery period.  My face hurt in a good way—from too much laughter.  We took lots of pictures and we passed around ice packs from face to face.  Everything was just hilarious.  One of my friends is studying abroad in Denmark this fall, and so we were discussing a tradition over there called “hygge”, which basically means cozy time.  We spent that night trying to figure out how to pronounce the word.  Since then, all of our socialization has been about hygge.  It was a great night and definitely a memorable one despite all the pain meds I was on.

Non-memorable moment:

Here’s a conversation that I had with mom not too long after the surgery.  I kind of remember it happening, but I think it was more memorable for my mom than me.

                Me: “You know who I feel bad for?”

                Mom: “Who?” (Thinking who could you possibly feel bad for besides yourself right now)